Thursday, December 8, 2011

the psychotic email from a total weirdo BLOW OFF

A couple of our loyal readers sent us this gem of a dating email yesterday. In case you haven't seen it circulating yet, drop everything and read this.

Here's what we know as far as the back story goes. Lauren met Mike at the New York Philharmonic and went out on one "horrific" date with him. We don't know why the date was horrific, but if this email is any indication, Lauren may have been out with a guy that keeps women in his basement and wears their skin on cold nights. Let this be a lesson to us all: we can't go fucking ape shit on e-mail anymore. This shit will go viral.

Read the below and then read how we would respond to Mike if we were Lauren.

------ Message From: Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2011 14:19:39 -0500 To: Subject: Hi Lauren

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can't see someone's body language or tone of voice in an email. I'm not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I'm honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again. Normally, I wouldn't ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don't want to go again, then apparently you didn't think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I've gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I'm not a serial dater. Sometimes, I've only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I'm sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

How does one even respond to an email like this? I honestly feel like if someone did a psych eval on this email, Mike would end up in the same category as kids that go on shooting sprees at their high schools and men who rape cats. I also get a kind of Rain Man vibe here without the endearing fart jokes.

Here are a few other things I think we can discern about Mike through this email. He has no friends. Clearly, there are no dudes in his life telling him how to act around a girl and there's no platonic female friends to tell him he's creepy and weird. I also think Mike might be an alien. But not one of those friendly aliens like ALF or ET. One of those freaky aliens that uses probes and gels like in that DB Sweeney movie, Fire in the Sky.

He's also a stalker.

Mike also has zero self awareness and no game. You just can't send a girl an email that's longer than a paragraph after a first date. People also need to stop reprimanding each other for not returning emails or text messages after one date. Like, if the girl disappeared after a couple months of dating-- FINE, but you can't shoot off hate mail after not hearing back from a person after one night out. There's nothing more awkward than "dumping" someone when you've only been out with them once. We all take the path of least resistance and just never return their calls. It's the decent thing to do.

Mike also might be gay. Do straight guys use acronyms like "FYI" or words like "appealing" and say things like their feelings have been hurt and they're disappointed? Nevermind, a gay guy would write a much funnier and sassier email. And I can stereotype like that, because there's a gay man living inside of me. On second thought, I think Mike might be built like a Ken doll under his pants.

Mike needs to cool it on the over-analyzing. Girls who play with their hair are not preening. They are just trying to distract themselves from the fact that they either want to cry or throw up from wondering where they made such a massive wrong turn in their dating life that brought them to dinner with the icky guy from the New York Philharmonic who works for his parents and talks about how much money he makes.

And, Mike-- for future reference? Nice to meet you is a BLOW OFF. It means I hope I never seen you again, you weird alien serial killer.

The truly tragic thing about this email is that Mike actually thinks he might be convincing Lauren to go on another date with him...when poor Lauren is probably meeting with the FBI and signing up for some sort of dating protection program.

I will say, I do appreciate Mike's logic about them both liking classical music. Like-- come on, date me-- it won't require any of your additional time.

I hope Lauren gives Mike the feedback he's asking for. He clearly needs it. But if she doesn't, Mike---

You are the 1%. And by 1% we mean the percentage of the population that's going to be alone forever.

6 comments:

  1. I feel like Mike was hoping that by stating over and over and over and over again that there should be a second date and that they would be a good match..she would succumb to his powers of suggestion. I'm honestly surprised I didn't end up dating this guy...

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  2. Reread his words, think about them, close your eyes, now imagine if he were black.

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  3. Honestly, it sounds like he has Asperger's

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  4. Agreed on the Aspergers tip- that was my thought exactly. No self insight, perseverative thoughts/sentences, very basic, concrete logic, rigidity. Aspergers! Poor guy, scary without even knowing it.

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  5. cif this was from a girl we'd say she was crazy, but b/c it's from a guy we say he must have aspergers. can't dudes just be crazy when it comes to dating too sometimes?

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