Monday, January 31, 2011

the kiss your belongings goodbye BLOW OFF

In every long term relationship where a couple keeps separate residences there's bound to be some spill over from your life into their space. Starts with a tooth brush. Then a change of clothes. Moves on to a couple books. Maybe a few CDs. Eventually you've set up an entertainment center or boutique inside someone else's home.

And then comes the BLOW OFF.

Whether BLOWEE or BLOWER, you may be without access to your newly insignificant other's dwelling. Depending on how the relationship ended you may not have an invite to retrieve your belongings. What do you do?

Well over a year ago a lousy, limping relationship ceased with an imbalanced woman screaming into her phone at me. Glad I would never speak with her again, I pondered what I left at her house. I retained a book of hers. I chalked up whatever my items might be as collateral damage. I assumed she would figure the same. Many months later I received a package in the mail. Vaguely recognizing the address I opened it to find a book and Entourage Season 2 on DVD. A short, fluttery note accompanied the belongs telling me she saw them on a shelf, thought I might want them, and that her cats are doing great. Didn't she realize the rules? I felt obligated to return her book... for about a minute. It still sits on my shelf.

More recently I was given my release from a seemingly happy relationship. On good terms, timing and sadness kept me from retrieving my few belongings at her home. She retains an old plastic bowl that I fondly recall full of jello when ill with the flu as a child. She also has my Arrested Development DVD, which I'd walk through fire to get back. But most of all I think about the 36 count box of condoms I bought that arrived in the mail shortly before our shared demise. I want them returned or destroyed. I don't want them as my donation to her next relationship.

Have you ever lost or gained any material items from a BLOW OFF? Comment below!

Friday, January 28, 2011

the BLOW OFF song of the day: It Must've Been Love by Roxette



"It must've been love, but it's over now. It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without."

-Roxette, 1987

Thursday, January 27, 2011

don't BLOW yourself OFF

Dear People in Relationships,

The purpose of this post isn't to tell you to try to back off with the Facebook PDA's or try to spend more time with your friends or talk about something other than your significant other (or your wedding--- yes, I'm officially one of those girls. I feel so dirty.) Anyway, the purpose of this post is to tell you not to blow off your alone time just because you're dating, engaged, or married.

Trust me. Every once in awhile, it's important to remember who you are minus your spouse. I've always been the type to crave my alone time (single or not single) and luckily I'm dating a dude who feels the same way. The best piece of advice someone gave us when we moved in together was to learn to be alone in the same space. Like it's okay for me to be watching TV, while he's on the crapper. I don't need to be in the bathroom with him.

So, if you're in the kind of relationship where you do everything together and are glued to each other's side at parties and bar-mitzvah's. STOP IT. You're annoying everyone around you. Instead, start displaying a little independence and go out on a date. With yourself.

I take myself out on movie dates every so often and it's awesome. I don't have to have the whole "it's my turn to treat" exchange, I don't have to negotiate why we should go see that little character driven art house film instead of Tron Legacy, I don't have to share my popcorn, and I don't have to pretend I'm not appalled if the BF didn't love the movie as much as I did. Don't get me wrong, the BF is my all time favorite date night companion...but I'm a close second.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the hippie BLOW OFF

"And may all your chakras be blocked." (The New Yorker, August 16 & 23, 2010)

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4 recap

Dear Leticia,

I'm convinced you're the only person that reads these recaps, so I'm considering addressing them all to you. So, here's what happened on The Bachelor this week:

Bat Shit Crazy Michelle wakes up with a black eye. She has no idea how it got there. Apparently, she's so stressed out about the show and Brad that she punched herself in the face in the middle of the night. I'm not buying that. I think Madison came back and turned her into a vampire and she got a black eye during their scuffle. I am so psyched there's another vampire on this show again!

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the girls that on this episode there will be a one on one date, followed by a group date, followed by another one on one date. NO SHIT. That's what happens in every episode. As much as I hate Chris Harrison for getting paid to do nothing, I am happy he's wearing earth tones for once. Clearly, Leticia isn't the only person reading this blog.

Chantal gets the first one on one date. Yes! She's one of my faves minus the fact that she slapped Brad when she first met him. That was super cheesy. Come on Chantal, you're better than that. You're a smart respectable contestant on The Bachelor.

Michelle keeps saying that she and Chantal are really different and if Chantal comes back from her date with a rose, Michelle won't know what to think. For once, Michelle is right. She and Chantal are different. Chantal = normal. Michelle = rocking back and forth in a corner with drool coming out of her mouth.

Brad comes to the house to pick Chantal up and lo and behold...a helicopter arrives. All the girls act like they are super surprised. Really? Cause I know you bitches have watched this show before and there's a helicopter in every fucking episode. So stop acting like Brad and Chantal are about to get into a time machine.

Brad takes Chantal to Catalina Island where they dress up like astronauts and go scuba diving. Chantal's freaked out cause she doesn't like swimming in the ocean (neither do I, girl crush!!) But she faces her fears for Brad, because after all "this date could change her life."

Back at the house, Michelle continues to freak out about Brad, her black eye, the fact that she wants a one on one date, and that she's so stressed she can't eat. Do you know what she doesn't freak out about? Being far away from her daughter.

Brad and Chantal cuddle on the beach together and she opens up about her divorce. But she doesn't really say anything except that they were together for 4 1/2 years and it didn't work out. Then, she apologizes to Brad for slapping him (it's okay Chantal. You're pretty. Brad and I forgive you!) Brad gives her the rose, it starts to rain, so they get in a tent and make out.

After the commercial break, it's a new day and the cast offs are getting ready for a group date. I'm confused. Why no footage of Chantal getting home and Michelle acting like a psycho? ABC totally dropped the ball here.

This may just be the lamest group date ever. The girls get to go on Love Line to hang out with Dr. Drew and some guy that's not Adam Carolla. First, Brad has to talk to Dr. Drew solo to get his daily dose of therapy. These girls need to run for the hills. I mean, the least ABC could have done was found a guy that's not in treatment.

Then the girls talk to Dr. Drew with Brad. Stacy, the bartender from Boston, admits she cheated on a boyfriend in college. Okay...has everyone seen Stacy? Everything about her screams "I cheat on boyfriends all the time." Brad's face has "i'm not giving you a rose" written all over it, then later he says something about how happy he was that Stacy was honest. What? The girl gets points for being honest about being dishonest? Can someone explain Brad's logic to me?

Dr. Drew breaks it down for everyone when he says that Brad is looking for someone he can be himself with. That's just nuts!!! Who wants that? Personally, I'm looking for someone I can be an eighty five year old Cambodian woman around.

The group date continues on...wait for it....a rooftop with a hot tub. I wonder how many bathing suits these ladies were required to pack. All the girls vie for Brad's attention by interrupting his conversations with the other woman. And Brad totally lets them. I wish the guy would be like "back off bitches, i'm kind of in the middle of something" Instead he always looks at the girl he's talking to and says "do you mind?" and she giggles and says no, then walks away and cries to one of the other ladies about it.

Ashley, the dentist, is especially freaking out. All the girls are like, Dr. Ashley--- chill out. At least you got a one on one date with him. And Dr. Ashley's like "you guys don't understand, things get so much harder after you've had a one on one date." OMG. Life is so hard for these ladies.

Brad decides to give the rose to Ashley to reassure her that he wants her puss-say, but she acts like a little bitch about it, so he changes his mind and gives it to Britt instead. Bold move, Womack, bold move.

Back at the house, Michelle gets her wish when she learns she'll be going on the next one on one date with Brad. Chantal purposely fucks with her when she points out that Michelle's date card said "let's hang out" while all the other date cards had the word "love" in them. This is so petty and I love every second of it. Chantal is my all around favorite.

At some point, Brad has another snooze fest therapy session where his doctor tells him it's okay to spread mouth herpes to all the girls.

Then, things get even more awesome between Michelle and Chantal when Brad comes over to pick Michelle up on their date. Michelle gets all pissy, because Brad wants to use their time together to have a private conversation with Dr. Ashley. Chantal basically calls her a hypocrite and says that she did the exact same thing two episodes ago. Touche!

That said, I'm confused--- why does Brad care so much about Ashley H? She's insecure, crazy, and kind of busted. Oh, shit. Maybe he thinks she's a therapist and not a dentist?! Either way, I have a feeling this girl is going to get far, because Brad spents an awful lot of time with her.

Brad and Michelle finally go on their one on one date. They kick things off at his place and THEN A HELICOPTER arrives. The producers of this show are seriously running out of ideas. They used the same helicopter trick in the same episode. That's just lazy.

But this helicopter only takes them from the valley to downtown LA where they land on top of a sky scraper. Michelle is told they have to scale down the building to another rooftop where they'll have dinner.

She proceeds to flip out and say she doesn't want to do this and that she's afraid of heights. Hmmmm....there's a theme here....almost all the girls have had to do something on their one on one dates that scares them: Ashley had to sing in public, Emily had to get on a little plane, Jackie had to watch Train in concert, Chantal had to get in the ocean....fingers crossed the next helicopter takes Brad and one of the girls to a Taliban lair in Afghanistan.

I love how during her freak out, Michelle never mentions the fact that she's a mother and if something happens to her, then her daughter will be all alone. Someone check this woman's vagina, cause I promise you a child has never been pushed out of it.

Brad and Michelle scale the building and share a kiss (with a camera angle from the inside of the building, which means this kiss was super pre-planned. You will never fool me, ABC!)

Brad and Michelle make out in a swimming pool and Brad tells Michelle he wants to meet her daughter someday. She's like: who? Brad: your daughter. Michelle: Huh? Brad: you're daughter. Remember, you have a child. Michelle: Me? Brad: Yes, you're a mom. Michelle: Oh, yeah, duh. Totally.

Now, I'm starting to get a little upset. Brad actually wants to meet her daughter? He really likes this girl? He just gave her a rose? What is wrong with this man? Therapy ain't doing shit for him. CUT TO:

The pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. Chantal disappoints me by getting all teary eyed over Brad, because he took Emily aside with a blanket and a bottle of wine. Ladies. Relax. Brad is not running the show here, the producers are! Wait a second...maybe these girls are crying when a girl like Emily gets more Brad time, because that actually means the producers may want Em for the Bachelorette? I get it now. Cry away, ladies! Anyway, later Brad tells the girl who looks just like the mom from Gilmore Girls that he likes that she's not the type to dance in a hot tub like the other ho-bags. (AKA you're not a pathetic slut. Spoiler alert: he does not give her a rose at the end of the episode.)

Chris Harrison arrives to tell everyone it's rose ceremony time. I guarantee next week, they'll just use his voice over and a stand in. Brad ends up not giving roses to Stacy the cheater, the non-slutty girl, and the redheaded girl who hasn't had a single conversation with him on camera, but seems shocked that she's being sent home. Before she bows out, she says how proud her dad would be of her. WHY? Why would your father be proud of you for going on this ridiculous show?

Next week, ABC hits a new low when it makes the girls go race car driving. Remember that Emily's dead fiance (and the father of her child) worked in racing. This is such a blatant and disgusting attempt at getting a reaction from this poor girl. If I were her, I'd leave the show. Except that I think she's the front runner to be the next Bachelorette.

And then just when we thought the episode couldn't get any worse, ABC leaves us with images of the girls chain dry humping Brad. I think I contracted gonorrhea just watching this. Fuck.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

the "I no longer wish I was a lesbian" BLOW OFF

After a shitty blow off, every straight girl has at one time or another wished she was a lesbian. Cause as Janeane Garofalo's character said in Reality Bites, it seems like it would be a whole lot easier.

I'm beginning to think this is a giant myth. Lesbian BLOW OFFS are fucked up. Or at least celebrity lesbian blow offs...

The first real public lesbian blow off took place when Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche called it quits. Anne Heche went off wandering in the backwoods telling people her name was Celestia and that she was an alien and half sister of Jesus Christ. Holy crap. I mean, I'll admit, I've felt a little crazy after a break up, but not that crazy. The blow off was so traumatic that afterward Anne actually went back to dating men!

More recently, it was reported that Melissa Etheridge is shacking up with her ex-wife's best friend. Hell to the fuck no. Isn't this like totally against the rules? Is this like par for the lesbian course or is Etheridge just like "I'm famous. I can fuck whoever I want?"

And of course, there's Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. They've been more on again and off again than Pam & Tommy Lee. Right now, they're supposedly off again, but Lindsay just rented a house next door to Sam. If a straight girl did that to a guy he'd have her killed.

Finally, have you seen The Kids are All Right? The takeaway there is clear. If you are in a loving committed lesbian relationship, do not let Mark Ruffalo within a 100 feet of your wife!

But what about "non-famous didn't happen in a movie true to life lesbian" blow offs? We want to hear those stories. So, if you are a normal non-famous lesbian with a good blow off tale please send it to theblowoffwtf@gmail.com. We've heard from straight women, we've heard from straight men, we've heard from gay men, we've yet to hear from our favorite carpet munchers. What's the deal, ladies? Should I give up my dreams of one day quitting dudes?

Monday, January 24, 2011

the top ten things NOT to do after a BLOW OFF

If you've just been blown off , STOP EVERYTHING and read our top ten list on what NOT to do after a BLOW OFF. In case you were wondering, "Don't kill yourself" came in at number eleven.

10. Don't stalk your ex's every move on Facebook and then "accidentally" show up at the place he "checked into." Keep your stalking discreet and covert and to a healthy minimum. Back in B.F. (before Facebook) I once spotted a guy that blew me off walking down the street in NY. I followed him three blocks into a bookstore and pretended to accidentally run into him. I felt dirty after. I had to shower like three times while laying in the fetal position and crying 'til I got the hiccups.

9. Don't sleep with a random stranger you meet at a bar. STDs itch. Instead, sleep with your ex's best friend or their mommy or daddy.

8. Don't beg them to change their mind or take you back. It's embarrassing. Instead, listen to Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston on repeat while having sex with your ex's mom or dad and singing loudly to the chorus:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

7. Don't reach out to their friends and families to tell them how sad you are about the break up. Unless you're trying to have sex with one of them.

6. Don't go back to a previous ex to ease the pain. Hook ups with unworthy peeps from your lesser days can lead to vomiting, diarrhea, painful urination, bleeding from all orifices, and cavities.

5. Don't listen to Coldplay and don't watch Say Anything.

4. Don't eat carbs. The only thing worse than someone that's just been dumped is a gassy fat ass who's just been dumped. I don't really think that. Eat your fucking face off. and then stick your finger down your throat.

3. Don't jump from one relationship to another. Give yourself one month of being single for every year you dated your ex. If you dated for less than a year, then give yourself a week for every month you were together. Why? Cause if you're the type of person that's never been single, I hate you and I'm glad you got dumped. Just kidding, that was mean. But you deserved it.

2. Don't have break up sex with your ex. They are laughing on the inside, while spanking you. Or tugging your hair. Or using anal beads on you.

1. Don't give a shit. Your ex is a total yeast infection. And they will live to regret the day they broke your heart. We hate them. And we will gladly send someone with a mean case of the clap to seduce them.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Song of the day: You Were Meant For Me by Jewel



"Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone. And I know you love me and soon you will see, you were meant for me and I was meant for you."
-Jewel, 1996

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Jesse James is engaged? WTF!?

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James famously broke up ten months ago when news leaked that Jesse was a cheater. And that he had sex with girls with tattoos who referred to him as the Vanilla Gorilla. Sandra tried to keep a girl next door sense of humor about the whole thing and turned her affection towards her adopted baby.

You would think a girl like me would be a total Jesse James hater, but part of me kind of wanted him and Sandy to deal with their shit and get back together. Stupid, I know. Not only because the guy was clearly a scum bag, but also because they are celebs and I should care more about global warming than their marriage. But I don't! (I'm kidding. Or am I?)

Now, it was announced today that Jesse James is engaged to Kat Von Douche head. I still shouldn't care, but how can the BLOW OFF ignore his super duper annoying PR statement? It's like salt in the wounds of women everywhere:

"You know sometimes the public and press gets it wrong. This is one of those times. 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs. I have never met anyone so kind and loving and committed to making the world a better place every day. My love for her is beyond description. So honored that she said 'yes.' Growing old with her is going to be a f----n' blast!"

Where do I start with this statement? I mean, maybe we do have it wrong. Maybe Sandra Bullock is the devil. But this announcement is still uncalled for.

Really, 2010 was the best year of his life? I wonder how his kids who reportedly considered Bullock a second mom would feel about that. Then to say that he's never known someone as kind/loving/committed basically = my ex-wife is a bitch.

My love for her is beyond description? Okay. Then, here's a thought: shut the fuck up about it.

Growing old with her is going to be a fucking blast. That's just douchey.

I for one don't believe there's anything going on between Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock, so that bodes the question--- how do dudes move on SO fast?

Is Kat Von Kindest Person in the World just a rebound or is James really like "thank Jesus I fucked up my last marriage or else I never would have banged KVD less than a year later." And do we think Sandra's just like "no big thing" or is she crying in the shower as we speak?

I'm so confused. How do you do it men? How do you just move on so quickly? And why does it take us girls like three years to get over you? Isn't enough that we have to get our periods?

the BLOW OFF's philosophy

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote." (The New Yorker, November 22nd, 2010)

the Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3 recap

Another phenomenal episode of the best show on television. I could literally write a dissertation on this week's show, but I'll try to keep it relatively short.

The show begins with Chris Harrison explaining the rules of the one on one dates to the girls (pack your bags ahead of time in case you don't get a rose.) I love how the producers of this show pretend Chris is necessary. These girls have watched every season of this show since it started. They know every single rule in the Bachelor handbook. Get off of my fucking TV screen in your ugly blue shirt, Harrison!

Ashley S (the nanny) gets one of the coveted one on one dates. She says her goal is to have her first kiss with Brad. Why not aim high and hope you make it to second base, Ash?

Meanwhile, Michelle bitches about how she hates sharing her man with sixteen other girls. We always knew she was a little unstable, but in this episode she proves she's off her fucking rocker. Like Rebecca DeMornay in the Hand that Rocks the Cradle crazy. I predict by the end of the season, she'll try to breast feed Brad.

Ugh, if I have to watch another girl on this show pretend she loves to ride in a convertible, I'm going to give myself a hysterectomy. Why can't there be more normal/less perky girls on this show? Girls like me who'd say things like "can you put the top down, I'm not into wind."

Brad and Ashley S arrive at Capitol Records where they are told they will be recording the world's most annoying song, Kiss From a Rose. Ashley is all kinds of nervous, because she can't sing---- but then we come to find out that Kiss From a Rose was the song she and her dad always sang together and he---wait for it---is dead.

ABC, you're not fooling me. I know you guys do extensive interviews with these ladies and at one time or another Ashley S told you all about her dad and their song and that this is not all some giant coincidence. This is totally orchestrated, just like those CGI rainbows in Tahiti on Ali's season.

Also, new rule for The Bachelor. If you are a contestant that cries about their dead relative, I want some fucking proof they are really dead.

Brad and Ashley's singing is highly offensive. And this song is just so awful. Like worse than Benny & the Jets awful.

We all know what comes next. Brad surprises Ashley with a performance from Seal. Wow, Seal must be pretty fucking desperate. Heidi Klum really fucked with his mojo. We have to sit through the song one more time and at this point I'm pulling a Winona with a nail file in Black Swan, except I'm stabbing my ears. Minor confession: I kind of liked the second Seal song.

Up on the roof, Ashley opens up to Brad about her dad and Brad just stares at her blankly and nods his head. He's such a douche. He so can't deal with something this heavy. He gives her a rose anyway and then Ashley S says something that honest to God makes me barf in my mouth: "even though I lost my dad, I'm going to get a great husband." WTF?!

Side note to The Bachelor: I'm sick of rooftops, convertibles, private jets, and helicopters. I want something new and exciting. At least in Ali's season they got to travel the world and we didn't have to stare at the ugly house in the valley with all the blue lights and pink flowers all the time.

Back at the fugly house, the girls learn who's going on the next group date. Our favorite psycho (Michelle) gets all pissy about the fact that she has to go on yet another group outing.

My favorite scene in this entire episode was the super awkward and weird action sequence Brad acted out when the girls arrive for the group date. What is the message we are sending to young woman, Disney?! That violent men are sexy?

The girls learn they are filming an action movie. There's a real life "action" director there named Steven Ho. I looked him up on IMDB and it turns out he's a stunt guy. I have no idea why he bothers to give these girls real direction. Newsflash Ho, Martin Scorcese does not watch The Bachelor.

You know what would make these action sequences so much better? If The Bare Naked Ladies were singing along to them and this was another one of their acclaimed music videos.

Shawntel kicks hardcore ass in her scene and everyone seems surprised. I'm not. The girl is a funeral director from Chico. She probably drop kicks dead people all the time.

Back at the house, Emily learns she gets the next one on one date with Brad. She immediately freaks out about telling him her sob story. We hear the story about her fiance and the plane crash for the millionth time. All the girls cry. Why can't Madison AKA the vampire find a way to resurrect Em's dead fiancee??!!

Shawntel and Brad film the last scene of the action movie and she's wearing an unfortunate pair of leopard print hot pants. It's not a good look. Although now I'm really hoping they'll stick them on Chris Harrison next time he makes an appearance.

The group date continues on a....ROOFTOP. Chantel and Brad get some alone time and she suddenly starts crying because her dad died. Brad goes: another girl with another dead dad? What the frack, ABC? When I said I wanted damaged girls with daddy issues, I didn't say I wanted them to cry about it every five minutes!

Side note, I like Chantel. She's pretty.

Brad has another ground shattering conversation with another girl who's name I can't remember who offers up this little piece of wisdom about relationships. You want someone that you can say "let's go watch football and then let's go make out" to. Sadly, before she can dispense more dating advice, the soundtrack to Jaws comes on and we see Psycho Michelle in the background.

All Brad would have to do in this moment to win my undying love and respect is to tell Michelle to git, because he's in the middle of a conversation. But he doesn't. He ditches the girl he's talking to for the crazy girl. Maybe cause he's afraid she'll fucking kill him if he doesn't.

Mental case and Brad go out on the balcony and Michelle tells him how hard it is to be away from her daughter. It's so fun to watch her fake cry about this. Trust me, there is nothing about this woman that says "I'm a mom." You just know she beats her kid with wire hangers.

Michelle and Brad share a nasty ass kiss, but he manages to win me over a little when he gives the rose to Shawntel. This makes me happy. Shawntel's been an early fave of mine for awhile. What's not to love about someone who makes dead people look hot?

Emily and Brad go on their one on one date and I decide at this point to forgive her for her terrible hair color, because she seems like she's a really nice person (and because she's really pretty). Although, I have a little theory that Brad will propose to her and the producers will reveal that she's a robot. Like Vicki from Small Wonder.

Here's where ABC really pissed me off this episode. They make poor Emily (who's talked about her fiance's plane crash a thousand times) get on a little plane. This is such a desperate attempt for drama and it sickens me. But not enough to stop watching this show.

Back at the house, the vampire cries about how there are girls there who need love more than her. Duh! You're a vampire! You have eternity to find someone. These girls have maybe until they turn thirty-five.

Emily and Brad eat dinner in a barn and she finally tells him she has a fake daughter and some fake fiance that died in a plane crash. No joke, Brad's head looks like it's going to explode while she tells him the story. He has no idea what's going on. He shuts her up by giving her a rose, but I think we all know Emily is too good for him. We need to get her and Chris L on the Bachelor Pad so they can live in Cape Cod and eat baked clams for the rest of their lives.

Brad's date with Emily was so intense, he needs a therapy session and luckily the producers have hooked him up with a psychiatrist in LA with a British accent. For the next three minutes, it's like we're watching an episode of In Treatment. My favorite part is when the therapist uses the word "vulnerable" and Brad looks all confused and the guy has to explain to him what the word means. I'm not kidding.

After his pep talk, Brad's ready to conquer the cocktail party.

Here are the pre-rose ceremony highlights. Brad apologizes to Chantel about not being sensitive enough when she talked to him about her dead dad...and then in the middle of their conversation they get interrupted by Michelle and Brad ditches her which proves he's still insensitive and that the therapy session was a total waste. Why does this guy like the resident mental case? She's not even pretty.

Michelle tells Brad she's mad at him for kissing other girls. Right about now, the producers decide to make him wear a bullet proof vest over his cock whenever he's around this girl.

The vampire confesses to Brad that she's not sure she should be here if it means taking a rose from one of the girls who deserves to stay. Basically, she thinks Brad is a douche and does not want his peen anywhere near her. And her coven of vampires is super pissed at her for going on the show and almost exposing them. Wait until they find out you took your fangs off...they are gonna be pissed!

Dr. Ashley H the dentist gets all kinds of insecure about the rose ceremony and Brad has to shove his tongue down her throat to reassure her. This girl and her complete lack of an upper lip are really starting to bother me.

Chris Harrison comes out and tells the girls it's time for the rose ceremony...and just like that he banks a million dollars. I mean, the guy isn't even around for the whole ceremony! ABC can't fool me. I know they tape his intro to the ceremony and his "ladies, there's only one rose left" back to back so he can skip everything in the middle.

How do I know this? Because he was nowhere in sight when the vampire walked out in the middle of the ceremony. She totally blows off Brad and tells him she doesn't want a rose and that she's going home. This is kind of hot and I kind of love her for this, although I wasn't prepared for the show to have no vampires after episode three. Total rip off!

Finally, Brad hands out all the roses sending two blonds packing. The first blond gets all pissy and says that Brad sucks and she's great and she'll find another guy in a second. The second blond cries her eyes out and says she doesn't deserve love and she's going to jump off a cliff.

Next week, there's a helicopter ride, a bitch fight, and head case Michelle wakes up with a mysterious black eye...hell to the yes, I love this show!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Retail Therapy & the BLOW OFF

Need to comfort yourself after a BLOW OFF? Check out the Umamimart Shop Love U Sale from one of our favorite food blogs, founded by our very own Single Asian Female.

The mug is my all time favorite and 14% off is a steal. Finally, a reason to be psyched about Valentine's Day!

Blue Valentine: A BLOW OFF film review

We've been anticipating the release of Blue Valentine for some time now on the BLOW OFF. I mean, how could you really go wrong with a movie that stars Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams? So, last week I finally took myself out on a date to see it. I was told by a friend that it wasn't the kind of film I'd want to go see with the F word and since he hated Revolutionary Road, I figured he wouldn't really be into the 21st century take on a failing relationship.

I'm glad I went alone (thanks KS). In fact, it took me about an hour to even want to talk to the poor guy after I got home.

There's no doubt that this movie is totally depressing. It's basically an hour and forty minute BLOW OFF. But I've always been fascinated by tragedy and break ups (hence starting this blog), so that didn't really bother me. Plus, we often complain about how "love" isn't like it is in the movies, so shouldn't we celebrate a movie where love is exactly what it's like in real life? The answer is yes.

The film was famously given an NC-17 rating by the MPAA that Harvey Weinstein successfully appealed, but as I was watching it, I was kind of glad my under seventeen year old self was never exposed to this kind of story. Not because of the sex scenes, but because of its bleak take on young love....something the romantically hopeful teenager could be seriously traumatized by.

It opens on a dark day in the life of the marriage between Cindy and Dean who decide to spend the night at a hotel together to reignite their spark. Well, Dean decides that. Cindy looks like she'd rather gas herself then spend a night alone with her husband. A run in at a liquor store with Cindy's ex sets the tense tone for their "romantic" night away--- an exchange that's so awkward and realistic you instantly forget you're watching two well known celebs. As the movie unfolds we discover why Cindy's old BF is such a loaded subject and how much weight and resentment that conversation actually carried.

Around this time, the film starts flashing back to when Cindy and Dean first met. They're a little skinnier, with better hair, and a sparkle in their eyes. And Dean especially is a romantic. He talks about how men keep looking and looking 'til they find the right person to marry, while women tend to end up with just the guy who's got a good job and wants to marry them. Despite the gritty nature of the movie, Cindy and Dean still have a very "hollywood" kind of run in where we know they're both inherently good people, because of the way they treat the elderly.

My biggest critique of this movie is that they didn't cast Gram from Dawson's Creek to play Michelle Williams's grandmother. That would have been a marketing coup. Reunited for the first time since the WB, Jen and Gram!

But I digress, Cindy and Dean's first few weeks of falling in love are full of hope and promise, despite having to deal with some heavy shit. Dean, in his own way, is Cindy's knight in shining armor. But then five years later, he's a long ways away from the guy who got the cover of The Giving Tree tattooed on his arm. I honestly don't know how they made Ryan Gosling look so bad. It might sound shallow--- but there is a takeaway here. Don't let yourself go, people. If you get fat or ugly, the chances of your marriage failing are a lot higher. While there are a couple sweet moments in the hotel room, the night quickly dissolves after a little too much drinking is followed by an aggressive and emotionally charged sex scene.

It's hard to watch the beginning of Cindy and Dean's relationship juxtaposed with its demise. And in the end, the movie doesn't really give you a bad guy or a good guy. You sympathize with Dean once you get more insight on how the relationship began, but you also sympathize (and relate to) Cindy's panic as she comes to terms with the fact that she's done with her marriage. In some ways, the movie could have had an even bigger impact if the problems the characters faced down the road weren't quite so inevitable.

Overall, I loved this movie. The performances are heartrendingly good. The story is in its own sad way universal. And even though the last scene goes a little too far at trying to pull at our heart strings (when we're already near suicidal) I for one can't wait to see what Derek Cianfrance (writer/director) does next.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the Perfect Match & the BLOW OFF

Dear friends at The Blow Off, I’m in the midst of having been—or potentially having been—blown off and I need your advice. Now, to preface, I should mention that most non-neurotic, normal people would have no need for advice in a situation like this, as my options are probably pretty limited and what I should do pretty clear. But as a guy whose repeated bouts of hysteria prove that gender stereotypes are a bunch of crap, I am in full over-analyze mode and figured I’d reach out to you guys to see if you can’t help.

About a month ago I went on a date with someone from the online dating site OkCupid. It was amazing. Well, by my standards at least. You see, ever since my girlfriend of ten years ago dumped me, I had yet to meet a girl who could measure up to her. Sure, I had some crushes along the way, or I’d get excited by some cute girls I’d meet/date here and there, but none got me excited the way you get excited when you think, this girl is perfect for me.

This had gotten to the point where I became convinced that I had unfair standards. And about a year after I broke up with the last girl I was in a relationship with (I rarely let myself get into relationships) because of precisely the same pickiness as always—she was a great girl!—I decided that, you know what, I was going about things the wrong way. I had made a mistake to break up with her, because there was a lot that we shared that really was great. So what if she didn’t live up to the standards I had found in my ex of ten years ago. This, if you haven’t caught on yet, is the definition of settling, but that’s what it had come to. (Though you may be interested to know that when I tried to get back with her after a year of her having been pining for me all along, she let me know that just three days earlier she had gotten into a relationship and that if I had come back just three days earlier things may have been different...I wrote some blow-off posts about this, but was too touchy to post them at the time. I’m sure they’ll get up here at some point).

Anyways, all this to say that after all these years, all these girls (including eleven first dates in just a few months on OkCupid), aaaaaaaaall this pickiness, it wasn’t until this girl that I finally felt, ‘Holy shit, I just went on a first date and am super excited!’ This girl is not just cool, or just cute, or just smart, but she seems to be every friggin thing I’ve been looking for. And to be completely honest, I mostly only messaged her because her profile matched so well with mine, as I wasn’t really attracted to her pictures too much. Needless to say, we totally hit it off. No awkward pauses, tons of similar interests (middle eastern politics? sociological theory? wants to be an academic?), and the same sense of humor (she once spent a whole summer camp telling people in a Midwestern accent that she was from Kansas –this is the kind of joke that has become so synonymous with me that my friend’s call it an ‘O. Joke’). We’re both passionate about the world, both disenchanted activists and both enjoy drinking and partying to boot! Oh, and on her end, during the date she literally said, ‘Oh my god, I’ve found my perfect match!’

Now, we creep towards the sad part of the story....(the blog is called the blowoff after all). The day after the first date I drove to L.A. because I was going to be out of town for a month, but I texted her telling her I was glad we got to hang out and that I was looking forward to seeing her when I got back. Right away she responded that she had a, quote, “great time” and that she would see me when I returned (with all the requisite exclamation points and smiley faces). About ten days later we exchanged some texts, ‘how’s your time in L.A. been? what’re you doing for New Year’s? Let me know how it goes. You too! For Sure! Exclamation point, exclamation point. Smiley Face! Wink! Etc...

So far, still good. Requisite texts on New Year’s? Taken care of. Still looking good. Ten days later, I drive back to Berkeley. Give her a call once I’m there, but have to leave a message: ‘Hey, I just got into town earlier today, wanted to see what you’re up to this week. Hope you’ve been well. Give me a call.’

Wait for it....

Wait for it...

No response.

Hmmm. Wait a couple days. No response. Go online and wtf, just today she has deleted her online dating profile. Crap, impossible that she would’ve already deleted it because of me. She must have met someone else. This. Really. Fucking. Sucks.

I decide I will forego pride, and follow up with a text. The exchange is, word for word, as follows. Turn on your analyzing sensors, because I need your help here:

Me: Hey Julia, i’m guessing you met someone since i never heard back from you and you canceled your okcupid account, but I thought i’d check in just in case. You seem like a cool girl, so i figure it’s worth foregoing the whole sense of self-respect/pride thing to write again –oliver :)

Julia: thats so sweet of you to text me! i know you might not believe it but i spent all day trying to figure out how to respond to you! i didn’t meet someone but my ex from ny flew out this last week and we’re talking over alot of stuff. i didn’t want to bring you into any drama..but also didnt/dont want you to think it had anything to do w/you cus i had a great time w/you and you seem really great...so im sorry if it came off like i was blowing you off.. (YES READERS, SHE ACTUALLY USED THOSE WORDS!) i was just trying to think of how to be articulate haha (which obviously didnt turn out so well)

Me: Hey no worries...and thanks for the honesty. Like I said I felt like we hit it off pretty well so if you think things through and decide you want to hang out casually let me know...no pressure to rush into anything.

Julia: yeah of course. i mean i think things are really too complicated for me to date right now but id love to hang out anyways if you’re down.

Me: Totally understand. Since you’re going through a lot right now why dont you hit me up when youve got some time to hang out.

Julia: definitely. im going to tahoe this weekend but when i get back?

Me: For sure. Have fun on your trip :)

Julia: k thanks!

Julia: Btw, I hope you enjoy the feeling of this dagger going through your heart :)

Ok, so there was no dagger text, but there may as well have been. hehe...

So, I’ll preface by saying that I really do believe her story. The first date went too well not to. And if she wanted to have blown me off upfront, she could’ve done it a lot earlier and in much more certain terms. Still I’m not too optimistic. My brother gave some advice which seems wholly rational; just play it cool, hang out with her casually while she figures things out, but give her her space while still trying to make a good impression. Ok fine, fair enough. But I’m neurotic, so I want your help in analyzing her texts to me. Before reading on, form your own opinion of what the particularities of the text exchange imply and let me know what you would suggest. This is how I look at it. Yes, I’m crazy.

Fist, the bad:

  1. The part she is explaining herself she mentions that the reason she is doing so is so that I don’t feel bad about myself. She writes “didnt/dont want you to think it had anything to do w/you cus i had a great time w/you and you seem really great”. This would imply that her reason for wanting to contact me was to make me feel better about myself, not because she actually didn’t want to blow me off.

  2. She pretty explicitly excludes the possibility of us dating, at least in the near term: “yeah of course. i mean i think things are really too complicated for me to date right now but id love to hang out anyways if you’re down.” This sure sounds a lot like, ‘Let’s just be friends’.
The perhaps, possibly good:
  1. Her ex flew down from ny (the bastard, go away) and they are talking over a lot of stuff. Note the use of the present tense. Shit still has not been decided. And she was more than comfortable letting me know that it has not yet been decided. This could definitely be her way of saying, hey if things don’t work out I’m definitely interested.

  2. I put the ball in her court as far as hanging out is concerned, and she seems to jump all over it by proposing to hang out. The exact exchange was:

    Julia: yeah of course. i mean i think things are really too complicated for me to date right now but id love to hang out anyways if you’re down.

    Me: Totally understand. Since you’re going through a lot right now why dont you hit me up when youve got some time to hang out.

    Julia: definitely. im going to tahoe this weekend but when i get back?

    She could have just taken the bait and said, ‘Will do’. And never contacted me again. She may still do that. But she proposed a specific time frame, knowing that I could have zoned in and picked a day. While it may not necessarily be a good sign, it’s definitely not a bad sign.
All in all, I’m not too hopeful. Given the fact that the guy lives in New York, if they’ve actually decided to get back together or something like that, then there’s very little there. We all know that when you get back with someone you don’t hate them till you’ve had ample opportunity to hang out with them in-person for extended periods of time. And him being there would preclude that. And even if they’re not together, I’m still not too hopeful about the whole thing, because there’s still so much drama involved. I can’t help the fact that I’m neurotic though, so I had to end up writing this. You don’t need to tell me I’m crazy either, I already know that. Plus, it’s not nice. Any insight/advice/suggestions you do have would be well-appreciated though! Thanks!

Your friend,

O.

Monday, January 17, 2011

the BLOW OFF has a dream

On this historic day celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr's birthday, the BLOW OFF would like to talk about some of our own dreams. Civil dating rights, that is.

The BLOW OFF has a dream....

...that when someone says they'll text (or call), they will.

...that all our single friends who want to be in love, will find someone worthy of their awesomeness.

...that we'll all try to be a little kinder with our blow offs. And that more of you will write about them on this blog.

....that gay marriage will become legal in all 50 states.

...that the divorce rate will go down.

...that people will think twice before they cheat.

...that girls will stop snooping through cell phones and email accounts.

...that one day all women will have orgasms as easily as their male counterparts.

...that we won't neglect our friends or family, because we're finally getting a little somethin' somethin'

...that we'll have the guts to get out of relationships that aren't making us happy.

...that we'll love and respect the one we're with (as long as they deserve it.)

When you look at everything Dr. King accomplished, our dream should be easy as pie. Come on peeps, let's make it happen. Maybe we need to organize a BLOW OFF march. A peaceful assembly of jilted daters holding hands and singing We Shall Overcome.

Hmmm, when you think about it in comparison to the Civil Rights Era, our problems seem kind of minor. Minus legalizing gay marriage, that's one I'd hope MLK would be all for if he were alive today.

Friday, January 14, 2011

BLOW OFF song of the day: The Winner Takes it All by ABBA



the ULTIMATE break up/divorce song.

"...but tell me does she kiss, like I used to kiss you. Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside, you must know I miss you. But what can I say, rules must be obeyed."

-ABBA, 1980

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Nobody Around Here Is Trying To Sleep with You BLOW OFF

Generally speaking, when it comes to dating I’m open to all types of personalities, quirks and odd behavior. I also, for better or worse, tend to give a wide berth to a variety of dysfunction (especially in exchange for a certain amount of hotness; I suspect most of you feel the same way but that’s another post). There are a few qualities, however, that drive me up the wall. The top of that list is presumptuousness. It blows. And it deserves a blow off.
Girls are often accused of projecting future ambitions for a relationship onto early dates (although I’ve seen precious few examples of that among my friends). However, even if that were universally true, guys are equally guilty of projecting as well; they just do it in the opposite direction. You know what I mean. There’s the guy who tells you after an amazing first date that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. The guy who tells you, in a non-stealth preemptive strike that he doesn’t want children in response to the question: “what do you think about dessert?” Relationship? Children? I thought we were just having mojitos, stranger. What I find fascinating about this type of behavior is that it’s usually wrapped in a “I just want to be honest/upfront/open” nice guy bow and is almost always followed by the suggestion that sex should totally still happen.
Here’s the problem with this supposed effort to be a “good guy” about not wanting something that no one has offered; it ruins things. The fun part of starting anything new (a new job, new friendship or, yes, new relationship) is the adventure of it, the excitement of not knowing what will happen. But if you pee on the fire before it has a chance to burn properly, that excitement disappears and there’s little reason to hang around. If you’re told on your first day on the job that you will never see a raise, promotion or even a better mousepad as long as you’re employed there, you’re gonna get out of dodge as quickly as possible, right? You’re not gonna sit around like an asshole.
My most recent brush with presumptuousness came from an unexpected source: an ex I broke up with over a year ago. Our break-up was the kind of awful slow-motion heartbreak you navigate when you want to try to stay friends due to numerous close mutual friendships. We knew our paths would continue to cross so we tried to be gentle with each other and somehow we did it. In fact, I was quite proud that we were actually able to become friends after the relationship (and the sex) were over. We’d both moved on, moved away and moved into each other’s periphery. So, while planning a trip to his town for my friend’s birthday, I thought I’d shoot him a little email beforehand saying that I’d be around and if he was, too, we should say hi. It’s the same email I sent to my other friends. In response, he replied that he didn’t think it’d be a good idea for us to sleep together while I was in town so I probably shouldn’t crash with him because it’d be too hard for us to resist each other.
Pause…*sigh* …Oh, dear…
Well, after I put my mind back together (because, yes, it was blown), I drafted a reply. There are a number of ways to reply to an innocuous hello email but “I don’t want to fuck you” isn’t one of them. You know the weirdest part of all? No one else who received that email thought I was trying to sleep with them. Huh, funny that. Here’s the thing: social cues were invented for a reason. In part so you don’t hurt someone else’s feelings. Even if it were true that in some alternate universe I’d decide to take an international flight at my own expense in the hopes of having sex with a man I broke up with over a year ago (all the while using my friend’s birthday as an excuse for the entire charade), there are many other, more delicate ways to indicate that sex is off the table. Because, even if you’re no longer interested in someone, there are few things worse than a sex blow off. Especially from an ex. Especially from an ex you can’t believe you ever slept with in the first place.
Presumptuousness is an evil bastard for a number of reasons. Yes, it’s rude, arrogant, unreasonable and the height of assholery but beyond all of that, it assumes the worst of someone who just wants to spend time with you.
If you happen to be the kind of person who thinks everyone you meet wants your body/children/love/whatnot, try to at least to employ manners and use those aforementioned social cues if you feel the need to make premature announcements. That way you don’t hurt your future, present or former amours unnecessarily. And you won’t make a fool of yourself. Because what if that hot date didn’t want a relationship with you either? And what if she didn’t want her kids to inherit your enormous forehead (and ego) anyway? Or what if she just replies to your rude email by stating, quite simply, that nobody around here is trying to fuck you?