Monday, February 28, 2011
Anyway, I digress. Back to Arquette. So, as we all know, celebrities break up all the time. Just like normal people. But usually they don't like to talk about it. They may be do an interview here and there, but they stay vague on the details, and try to appear in public as fast as possible without a single hair out of place and no extra break up weight or puffy post crying eyes. But not David Arquette. That's what I find most refreshing about the guy. Not only was the guy devastated by his split from Cox, he's not ashamed to talk about it.
After getting the words "a deal is a deal" engraved in their wedding rings, Cox and Arquette announced they were separating in October of last year. Since then, Arquette went on a few too many benders, spilled his guts to Howard Stern, and went to rehab. On Oprah, he talked about working on his most authentic self and blah blah blah, but all that aside, he's a guy reeling from the fact that he got blown off by his wife. He talked about feeling angry and doing the whole sleeping with someone else bit, because you think your ex is getting regular action. And he talked about how lonely it is in the house they used to share together.
But do you know what the worst part of the interview was? You can tell he's still in that "hope" stage for the relationship. And that's what sucks about a legal separation. It's like saying, I need my space so I can think about whether I want to blow you off or not. Until you file for divorce, you're stuck in limbo, wondering what the other person will decide. It's fucking torture. I don't think I could handle it. Not even yoga or authentic self psycho babble would get me through it. If the bf ever asks for a separation, I'd just smile and be like "Don't drag this out. Shit or get off the pot. What part of a deal is a deal don't you understand? DIVORCE ME. I FUCKING DARE YOU. I'll show you a legal separation. How would you like your penis to be legally separated from your pelvic area? That's what I thought, love of my life. Now, go pour me a scotch, buy me some tampons, and rub my dainty little feet."
But I guess we all handle our relationship ups and downs in our own way.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Anyway, my love for Jennifer got me all nostalgic for 2002, when Ben and Jen became Bennifer.
They were the first major celeb couple that got a joint nickname (soap fans had been doing the combo couple name for years with their favorite soap couples). Some say the nickname was the beginning of the end for Jenny from the Block and Benny from The Town...
At the time, I thought Jen and Ben's love was a little over the top. That must have been when he started slicking his hair back and she started sporting that giant tacky pink diamond. But lately, I've been dreaming of them getting back together...because I have to believe they're both still in love with each other. Honestly. Don't you think Ben Affleck waits for Jennifer Garner to fall asleep and then tiptoes down to his man cave to watch episodes of Idol on his secret DVR? I do.
Ben Affleck blamed the media shit storm surrounding his romance with Lopez on the fact that they were so different. She was Latina, he was a white boy from Boston. It was the first interracial relationship ever. They were supposed to get married in September 2003, but broke up instead. Jennifer married Marc Anthony (the pale scrawny non-"white" Puerto Rican with the voice of an angel) in June of 2004. Three weeks later, Affleck got married to Garner (a white non "Latina" from the south). She gave birth to their first daughter in December 2005 (can you say married to their rebounds?)
It's been almost eight years since their demise, but everyone knows if Ben Affleck sent JLO a Facebook message saying he still had feelings for her, she'd get back together with him in a heartbeat and they'd have their own little multi-racial Brady Bunch. Sigh. If only...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The episode kicks off in the NYC. Brad, wearing a girly page boy cap, stands on a balcony and reminisces about his four ladies. We get a way too long flashback sequence of the whole season thus far, which is just further proof that this show does NOT need to be two hours long.
Stand outs about this sequence. Brad doesn't like that Chantal cries and has emotions. He's not down with that. I get it. Boys think girls that cry are mentally unstable bipolar messes who will definitely have post partum depression and stick their babies in the dishwasher. Ashley, I think is the front runner. She's bubbly and easy and freaks out just enough to stroke Brad's ego. Shawntel's basic selling point is that she can ride a bike. My money's on her not getting a rose tonight. Emily's hot and her boobs look great in a bikini, but her fiance died tragically and she's not sure if she wants to introduce Brad to her daughter. There. You're all caught up.
First stop. Seattle. Of course, my fave girl Chantal lives in the best city. But, why oh why, does she have terrible style? A shiny black button down with an ugly floral red scarf? This outfit is not okay. And why is she looking more orange than usual? She's breaking my heart.
Brad and Chantal go to her cute little house where Brad meets her two cats and a dog. Turn off. Everyone knows guys are scared of girls who live alone with pets. Then she starts talking about how her pets have to come to Austin with her and Brad gets all kinds of uncomfortable. I feel like this guy is giving off serious "he's just not that into her" vibes. Am I wrong here?
Holy crap. Chantal's parents live in a mansion! And it looks just like The Bachelor pad. They all seem perfectly nice even though their style is super tacky and Chantal's mom is seriously channeling Tammy Faye Baker's look.
Her dad seems to be lacking in the personality department just like Brad. They bond over how awesome it is that they used to be poor, but now they're rich. Chantal's dad shows him a super gaudy statue of a guy carving himself out of marble and Brad pretends to understand the symbolism. These two are totally besties. I think ABC should give them their own reality show and call it Brad and Dad.
Chantal cries to her mom about falling in love with Brad. Jesus, Chanty. Pull yourself together and stop crying in front of Brad. He'll beat the tears out of you!
Actually, I have to admit. Seeing Brad with Chantal's family is kind of sweet. He definitely has a southern gentleman side to him and I can kind of respect that. I might have to make my F word start speaking extra slow and with a southern accent.
Next stop Madawasca, Maine. Where? Exactly. It's so obvi that Brad loves Ashley H. He's slightly less stiff with her (not that kind of stiff, you dirty dirty readers!) I decide to take a shot of tequila for every time Ashley H says the words "cuuuuuute" and "like" and then I realize that those are the two words in the English language I use the most, next to "OMG." I decide to never say any of those three words ever again.
Ashley introduces Brad to her favorite food, Pootang. I mean Poutine. Fries with gravy. Duh. Apparently, people in Madawasca speak French. Brad tries to be all into it, but accidentally says Si to the waitress instead of Oui. He's mortified, as he should be. Then, a feather floats through the air and Brad chases it. Oops, no. That's Forrest Gump.
Brad and Ashley pick up lobster and head over to her parent's house. It becomes pretty apparent that Ashley's family will probably win the best fam award this episode. They are sweet and warm and laugh a lot. And I love the way Ashley and her sister gush over each other. I am such a sucker for sisterly love.
Her sis is just as annoyingly peppy as she is, but it turns out she's this tattooed hipster. Who knew! I want her to be the next Bachelorette!
Oh, no. Now, I'm starting to fall for Ashley, because she's the only one of the girls that doesn't say she's in love with Brad and even admits she'd turn down a marriage proposal if he popped the question right then and there. Smart girl. Everyone knows guys like a challenge.
Brad has some one on one time with Ashley's stepdad and is it just me or is he kind of hot in a
rugged older man sort of way? And then something crazy happens. Ashley's dad reveals that she's not really a dentist. She's just in school to be a dentist. What a scam! I've been calling her Dr. Ashley all this time and she's really just a dental student. Lame. Brad starts worrying that he'll hold Ashley back and she won't be able to realize her dreams as a tooth janitor.
I love how Ashley's mom tells her she's loved ALL of Ashley's boyfriends. Is Ashley a slut? My parents have met two of my boyfriends. The one that took me to prom and the one I'm marrying. I need more boyfriends. I want to be the next bachelorette. PLEASE ABC. I've got charm, wit, and I'm willing to go orange!
Next stop Chico. This is where the show suddenly turns into an episode of Six Feet Under. We get to watch the most awesomely awkward commercial for Shawntel's funeral home. Amazing. See below. Brad and Shawntel take a trip through the funeral home. I start having a panic attack and roll around on the living room floor crying and yelling "i'm too young to die." Womack and I have something in common: we don't handle death well.
Brad is definitely weirded out by the whole thing, but he tries to be a good sport and lays on the embalming table. Hmmmm. I think he's really nervous, because he's worried Shawntel will discover he's not human and was put together by a mad scientist. And that his real name is Frank N. Stine. What do you want from me? You try writing these recaps every week!
I don't know if the producers are feeding him lines, but I have to admit, for a dummy, Brad's asking all the right questions about these girls. He wonders if he can handle spending the rest of his life with Shawntel and having daily conversations about her job--- like how did tonight's blood draining go? Um. Pass. Whoa. I'm totally relating to Brad all of a sudden and I think...no, I know....I'm falling in love with him.
Shawntel brings Brad home to meet her folks and they are all slightly off. And her dad is totally pissed that The Bachelor fucked with his retirement plans and might take Shawntel away when she's supposed to be taking over the family business. He then guilt trips her about hot tubbing all day and all night while her high school teacher couldn't cope with the death of her son and needed her. I don't like Shawntel's dad. The guy needs to keep his eye on the big picture. If Shawntel can make it to the final two, she could be the next Bachelorette and make bank.
What is up with the freaky drawing of Shawntel and her sister's on her parent's wall? Homes that have those kinds of drawing are usually the ones with sex slaves in the basement.
Genius idea: Shawntel should marry Kirk from Ali's season (remember, the guy who almost died of mold?) His dad was totally into taxidermy and he got booted after the hometown dates. They'd be perfect for each other! Make it happen ABC.
Shawntel tells Brad she's in love with him and I feel kind of bad, because I'm 99.9% sure she's getting the boot.
Next stop. Charlotte, NC. OMG. (Yeah, I said it.) Four hometown dates is serious overkill! Emily has a fake reunion with her daughter on camera. Am I really supposed to believe that in the last few days that Brad's been taping segments in Seattle, Madawhatever, and Chico--- Emily's been sequestered from her daughter? What do I look like ABC?
I'm pissed that Emily A) agreed to introduce her daughter to a man for the first time after barely knowing Brad and B) is doing it on camera. Little Ricki is acting all kinds of autistic in front of Brad and the cameras. I don't get it. Brad and her have the same IQ. They should be besties.
And then, little Ricki starts being nice to him. Hold up! The promos made it look like she hates Brad and goes all Omen and tries to murder him. What a fake out.
Damn. Emily has a nice house. I think her dead fiance's parents bank roll her life. How come there's no other family members for her to introduce to Brad? Let me guess. They're all pissed that she's introducing this interloper to Little Ricki! The little one goes to sleep and Em's all excited to dry hump Brad.
BUT he tells her he can't kiss her cause her daughter's upstairs. Prude. Em is pissed. Hello, Brad. She's a horny lonely widow. She needs an orgasm like Ashley H needs eyebrows. Throw her a bone. (yeah, that kind of bone. wassup?) After an awkward debate about whether they should kiss, they finally tongue each other.
Rose ceremony time! Chris Harrison makes his first and only appearance on the show and takes us through a totally pointless recap of the episode we just watched. Brad starts handing out roses and Chantal officially loses her place as my fave, because of her insanely unflattering red satin dress and terrible hairdo circa prom 1994.
That said, I'm still relieved that she gets a rose and Shawntel is sent home. She cries and says things that confuse me like Brad is perfect and she'll never find someone else that will treat her like a princess. WTF. It's like before Brad these girls had been dating rapists, pedophiles, and John Mayer.
Next week, the final three go to South Africa. Lucky bitches.
Way back in episode 5 I wrongly predicted that Shawntel, Chantal, and Ashley would be in the final three. I figured Brad would have a freak out over Emily's sad life and let her go early. But I also guessed Chantal and Ashley H would be the bottom two, with Ashley H snagging the final rose. I stand by my Ashley H guess, but it's toss up between Em and Chantal.
Anybody want to make a guess? Comment below!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Here's a little background I got from "Jen" (names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.):
"JR is the guy I have had a crush on for a year. He's the brother of my friend's boyfriend. He is cute, sweet, shy and a bit awkward. At least I thought...So I went away with friends to the snow for NYE. And had the intentions of making out with some other guy on NYE. But then my crush showed up at the party I was at, he came up with some of the my other friends. At midnight, the crush, kissed me. I was shocked. I kissed him back and told him he was trouble. Then I ditched the other guy. The next two days we hung out in the snow. We went sledding, hottubbing, spooning. Awesomeness.
> Best Jen,
> I have greatly enjoyed hanging out and making out with you. However, I
> think we should limit our future interactions to just hanging out.
> Having said that, probably we shouldn't hang out tonight because now
> our hanging out has great awkwardness potential. I don't want that to
> be the case and hope we can continue having fun hanging out soon.
> Okay...Harsh...But thanks for letting me know what's up. But I'm
> confused. I could guess a whole lot of things, but for the sake of
> creating the least possible awkwardness, can I ask what happened? I
> know I felt a lot of external pressure. I am a woman and journalist
> after all, so spare me the hours of over-analysis and let a sistah know.
Please don't over analyze - it's definitely not anything that happened and I'm not sure what you mean by external pressure. I realized that you were probably right when you told me I was trouble and I just want to make sure that I don't cause too much of it. The bottom line is that I'm a huge slut and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I'm not sure what your policy on dating sluts is, but my (somewhat unsuccessful) policy on being a slut is not to be one with people I want to be friends with. I hope that helps, even if it sounds stupid and a bit crass.
What do you think, readers? Do we respect JR for his honesty or is the I'm a slut blow off a bit weak? Comment below.
Monday, February 21, 2011
In honor of today's holiday, the BLOW OFF has compiled a top ten list of the best presidential blow offs. Politicians are mad crazy!
10. Before Lincoln married Mary Todd, he was courting Mary Owens. They were on again/off again, both having second thoughts about the relationship. Lincoln wrote Owens a letter saying he wouldn't blame her if she blew off their relationship and she never responded. They were done-zo. When Lincoln later met Mary Todd, they got engaged, but called it quits before the wedding. A year later, they ran into each other again and got married. The Lincoln's had four sons, three of which died. Mary was so broken up over the death of her husband and children, that her oldest and only living son had her committed!
9. FDR had an affair with Lucy Mercer, Eleanor's social secretary for years. Some even say that Eleanor purposely served gnarly food at the White House as a little fuck you to her husband for the affair. When she found out about Lucy, she offered FDR a divorce but Lucy was like "I'm not actually into marrying a divorced dude with five kids."
8. So, John Edwards was never president, but that little brain in his penis was definitely to blame for him dropping out of the presidential race in 2008. He famously fathered a child with what has to be the most obnoxious presidential mistress (Rielle "I call him Johnny" Hunter), while his wife Elizabeth was battling cancer. Elizabeth and John legally separated before her death in December. She got in one last BLOW OFF when she cut him out of her will.
7. Keeping a relationship secret is a blow off by omission. That's pretty much what Thomas Jefferson did all the years he never acknowledged his long term affair with slave Sally Hemings. Some of the kids Jefferson had with Sally even worked as his slaves. He freed them prior to his death. Nice one, TJ.
6. Ronald Reagan is the only US president that's ever been divorced. Prior to meeting Nancy in 1949, he was married to actress Jane Wyman. They had three children together, one daughter one adopted son, and another baby daughter who died the day after she was born. Sadness. They were married for nine years and Wyman blamed their divorce on their differing politics.
5. Another guy who got close to the White House, but never made it thanks to the crappy economy and his crappy running mate was John McCain. Mr. Maverick came back from Vietnam to find his then wife Carol to be 4 inches shorter, a total chubster, and confined to a wheelchair after she had a serious accident. But let's cut the guy some slack, maybe she was a total bitch too. John had a lot of affairs, including one with a chick named Cindy.
4. While there's no evidence that Richard Nixon cheated on his wife, he pretty much BLEW OFF
democracy during the Watergate scandal. You know, that whole thing where dudes tied to the Nixon White House broke into the Democratic party headquarters at the Watergate hotel. Nixon played the whole "i'm going to dump you before you dump me" card when he resigned from office before he would have most likely been impeached.
3. Aaron Burr, the Vice President under Jefferson, felt super blown off when he learned Jefferson wanted to drop him from the ticket in his reelection campaign in 1804. Burr ran for governor of NY, but lost that election, and got seriously pissed when dudes from his party talked mad smack about him. Especially Alexander Hamilton. Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel. Well, duels were outlawed in NY, so the two men headed to Jersey. Burr shot Hamilton and he died the following day! Burr fled to the south for awhile, but eventually returned to Washington to complete his term as VP and all charges against him were dropped. Man, that would so not be the way that would have gone down in 2011.
2. Thanks to Lewinsky-gate, things like cigars and interns will always be synonymous with the 1990s and the oval office. In hindsight, the whole sexual relations thing grosses me out more than it did at the time, because Monica was only 21. Yikes! Years later, Clinton's rep was relatively untarnished, but I really hope Obama only associates with chubby gay male interns. (Unless of course he's secretly in the closet.)
1. Just watch the below video. Enough said.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good old fashioned sex scene (see hot kitchen sex in the first episode of Shameless) And I'm actually not as appalled by porn as, I don't know, Jesus or the Parents Television Council probably are. Sometimes I even kind of like it. Preferably if it's of the soft core skinimax variety + girl on girl action. It's true. When it comes to sex on pay per view or the internet, I'm a total lesbo. Close up shots of veiny blood filled poorly lit penises scare me. I'm not kidding . If I wrote a horror movie, the villain would be a detached veiny blood filled poorly lit penis.
But in all seriousness, I do find it disturbing that some of you dudes are so porn addicted that actual sex doesn't get you off the way it used to. Porn could mean the end of western civilization. For reals. (not really, but I like making sweeping melodramatic statements.) So, here's an idea. You know how vegans created this thing called meatless mondays? Well, I'm thinking of changing the day Tuesday to Puesday and starting Pornless Puesdays. Your hard ons will thank me later. But don't take my word for it: take Bill Maher's.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Anyway, this episode begins with the girls arriving in beautiful Anguilla. Chris Harrison's avatar arrives to once again explain the rules of the show. This week, there will be three one on one dates and one group date. No roses on the one on one dates, but there will be a rose on the group date. Drama with a capital D. Perfect little blond Emily gets the first one on one date.
Britt, meanwhile, is practically shitting herself, because she hasn't had a one on one with Brad yet and they need to have at least one conversation before she can take him home to meet her parents.
Brad and Em go on a helicopter ride to their own private island. I swear, this show is keeping the helicopter industry in business. Part of me wants just one helicopter crash (where everyone survives of course) to make these stupid scenes a little more interesting.
Side note, I love how Emily tells Brad that he always does too much on their dates, as though he's the one that chartered the helicopter. I hope these bitches realize that if they end up with the final rose, after the show is over their dates are going to consist of dinners at Outback Steakhouse followed by a Two and a Half Men marathon.
At their very own private island, Brad and Emily drink booze and talk about how much they like each other. Uh oh. I think Brad is actually really into her. She might be our new front runner.
Later, Brad and Em eat dinner. How the hell do they still have anything to talk about? And why is every conversation about how they want to get married, etc. etc. Can't they just talk about movies and Lindsay Lohan like normal people?? Brad asks Emily whether she'll introduce him to her daughter if he gets a hometown date, because it's really important for him to meet little Ricki. Em says she's not sure and that she has to think about it.
My first instinct is to respect her answer, because you know if he asked Michelle the same thing she'd tell him she'd already drawn up adoption papers...but then I decide not to be fooled by Emily's perfect white teeth and glowing orange complexion. Leaving your daughter behind for weeks to go on The Bachelor is kind of a bad mommy move. I know what you're thinking--- but Saaara, Emily wants to find love and doesn't she deserve to do something for herself? NO. If Em wants to find love, she can start an OK Cupid account and if she wants to do something for herself she can take a pottery class. Not compete against 25 other women for the heart of Forrest Gump on National Television. Ricky in the sky would not be cool with this.
Brad, being the rebel that he is, breaks all the rules and tells Emily she's definitely going to get a rose at the rose ceremony and he's going to go home to meet her family. AKA, you best make a decision now about little Ricki so the producers can get all the releases signed for her to appear on camera.
Shawntel gets the next one on one date and she's SO excited, even though Britt is slitting her own wrist on the couch next to her. But Shawntel says she's not going to worry about the other girls, she's just going to focus on Brad.
Shawntel and Brad go on a bike ride to the Farmer's Market and here's how I know I'd never be a good contestant on the show. I'd be like, where's my helmet, yo? And get me some training wheels, stat!
Once they arrive at the Farmer's Market, Shawntel says that this is her dream date and she can't believe Brad knew. Um, let me guess, when you get on this show the producers have you answer a questionnaire and one of the questions include: what's your idea of a dream date?
Shawntel is scoring some major points here. She's totally playing the fun/carefree card to the hilt. She jump ropes. She plays dominoes. She talks to black people. She's amazing!
That night, Brad and Shawntel have dinner and talk about their families for basically the first time ever. Brad almost faints when he hears that Shawntel is close to her dad. He's so not cool with this. That's why he loves Ashley H so much. People from broken homes love other people from broken homes. Then, Shawntel tells Brad that he's going to fall in love with Chico. What is this girl smoking? That's like someone saying you're going to fall in love with Fresno. Actually, I have no idea. I have never been to Chico. I'm sure it's lovely.
Then some random Island man singer who is supposedly like the most famous person ever in Anguilla plays a concert. But for whatever reason, it's not their own private concert. Random extras and island people show up to dance around.
Back at the house, Britt learns that she's getting the next one on one date and she shits a rainbow. I have to say, the best line of this episode is when Michelle says that she doesn't think Brad would even friend Britt on Facebook. BURN!
Brad surprises Britt by picking her up in a yacht. I was kind of hoping for a helicopter yacht, but oh well. I zone out when these two are on screen together, because I'm too distracted thinking that I want to force feed Britt. This girl is way too skinny.
Sticking to the fear factor theme of the season, Brad and Britt go cliff jumping. She's scared shitless, but she knows if she doesn't dive off that cliff, her chances of getting a rose are OVER. So, she jumps. Um, one of these girls is going to seriously kill themselves trying to win over Womack's heart.
Back at the house, the group date card arrives. Ashley, Michelle, and Chantal are all going on a date together. They all whine about it like a group date is the equivalent of getting gassed at a concentration camp.
Back on the yacht, Britt and Brad are super awkward together. They have nothing to talk about over dinner and Brad goes rogue again when he tells Britt that he's not into her and she's not getting a rose.
Poor Britt actually tries to convince him to give her more time. Why is she trying to persuade this guy to meet her family. They don't even know each other! I'm also not into Brad's cruel to be kind method of BLOW OFFs. Why couldn't he just play it cool and ditch her at the rose ceremony? At least the girl would get another day to relax at the pool in Anguilla. Instead, he dumps he and sends her off on a raft where she has to go home and pack her bags in front of all the other girls. This is a dick move.
The group date begins with Brad waking up the ladies at the crack of dawn. They find out they are going to do a Sports Illustrated photo shoot for the Swimsuit Issue. Michelle is like, this is in the bag bitches. I've modeled in the past. By modeled, she means working the runway at her local Burlington Coat Factory.
Then, something really bad happens. Chantal and Ashley H agree to take their tops off during the shoot. Why would they do this to themselves? I'm especially disappointed in Chantal, because she's my favorite and I thought she was smarter than that. It is kind of funny that they have to put a black bar over her boobies cause they are so big. But seriously, going topless was way overboard. Plus, it's forcing me to respect Michelle for keeping her top on and I don't want to respect the vagina monster!
But then Michelle dry humps Brad on the beach and I once again lose all respect. Chantal and Ashley H get super jealous about it.
Brad and Ashley have some alone time. I don't understand why Brad likes Ashley. She's not cute and acts like she's twelve. Well, I guess that's my answer. Makes sense since Brad has the IQ of an eight year old.
Then, Chantal and Brad get some alone time and she's just making herself way too available to him. I think it was a mistake for her to say the L word so quickly. Brad is def closed off with her and now I'm starting to get anxious because I'm worried Chantal won't get a rose and I like her the best. Wait. I can't deal with Brad Womack. I shouldn't want my fave girl to end up with him. I should be rooting for her to not get a rose!
Next, Brad and Michelle get some alone time and he calls her out on being a crazy bitch. I love how he never asks her about meeting her daughter if he goes to her hometown. At this point, I have no idea who Brad's going to pick in the rose ceremony. I'm so confused. He's a master manipulator!
Brad takes Ashley aside and gives her the rose. She keeps calling him baby and it makes me want to make an Ashley voodoo doll and pee on it and then pull out it's fake voodoo doll hair extensions. He's giving her a rose, because she doesn't have a dad either, obvi! Chantal and Michelle are pissed they didn't get a rose. Chantal starts crying and Brad is forced to comfort her. Now, according to Brad's ex-girlfriend in Us Weekly, he hates it when girls cry. Wrong move, Chantal. Wrong move! She tells him that if he can't pick her out of three girls, then he should just send her home. Brad's like, stop crying or I will whoop your ass.
I feel bad for Chantal. I think she's the only girl on this show that genuinely likes Brad and I don't think he's into her.
Cocktail party time. Brad tells Chris his mind is made up and he doesn't want to waste time hanging out with weepy ass bitches. Chris tries to convince him not to skip the cocktail party (AKA we need the footage, Forrest!)
The suspense is KILLING ME. I think Chantal's going home and I'm sad, because she's pretty.
Chris Harrison has worked extra hard this episode. Not only did he have to make an appearance at the beginning of the show, but he had to talk to Brad, then talk to the girls, then run the rose ceremony. Harrison tells the ladies that there will be no cocktail party.
This is where I'd be like--- say what? No cocktails? Fuck this!
Pre-rose ceremony, Michelle does an on camera interview and starts to cry because she doesn't want to be sent home where she has to go back to being a mom again and take care of her little snotty brat. Hell no!
But she doesn't get her wish. Michelle is sent packing! YAY, ding dong the bitch is gone! Brad tries to hold her hand as he walks her out, but she won't let him. In the limo, Michelle doesn't say one word and lies down, so she won't be on camera. Uh, lady, there's a zoom out function. We can still see you.
Don't be fooled. Michelle isn't going out quietly. She'll be back with an ice pick and a black eye, for sure.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
No really though, have you ever stopped to think just what we’re doing here? I mean, let’s stop for a minute. Here we are on a blog laughing and joking about ancient Persian poets who’ve gotten blown off, about the time our Jesus-freak bosses blew us off, or about how we shouldn’t blow off friends just because we’re too busy planning for our wedding (in case you had forgotten, that last one is a reference to the loveable, yet ever so fraudulent creator of the site).
The last thing in the world any of us who have gotten blown off—I mean really blown off, you know, the kind that fucks with your head so bad you don’t feel like breathing—would want to do, would be to write about. At least definitely not while while going through it. We’ve all been there, no doubt. But it’s not an experience that can be communicated in writing. The point we’re reflecting on it with a wistful, but lightened heart, is the point we’ve moved on into fraud territory. In other words, the experience of being Blown Off is like being the cultural Other who can't express himself through hegemonic discourse.
At this point some grad school nerd will feel the need to make a smart ass comment chiding me about how I got Spivak's essay all wrong, but you get the point. [Btw, if you really thought about doing that, do us all a favor and go jump off a bridge]. Plus, I bet if Spivak knew of this post she’d find some random German word with all sorts of intricate meanings to describe how the Blown Off really can’t speak (Are you laughing now...biyaaatch?!) Seriously though, go look at her essay, she’s famous for that shit.
The conclusion? Being blown off really sucks --I mean really, really sucks. And it’s easy to forget that. So this post is dedicated to anyone who has ever read this site and hated everyone on it, because he/she* was actually going through a real blow off. Today, we salute you.
*In case you needed anymore proof that I'm the site's resident grad school nerd, I even threw a 'he/she' in for you.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Here's how it works.
1. You send your worst blow off story to firstname.lastname@example.org.
2. For every submission we receive, the amount of the gift card will increase by $1. (100 submissions= $100 gift card. 200 submissions = $200 gift card*.)
3. We post all submissions on the BLOW OFF.
4. With the help of our regular contributors, we'll choose the top three best BLOW OFF stories among the submissions. The three finalists will be posted on the blog on April 14th (two months from now)
5. Our readers will have a week to vote on the three finalists. The person with the most votes wins.
5. The winner will be announced on the blog (don't worry, we won't use your full name). They'll be notified by email and will receive the gift card of their choice within 7-10 business days.
Spread the word. The more people that submit, the bigger the prize. Remember, there's nothing like a little retail therapy to help you get over a BLOW OFF.
*Maximum gift card amount will be $400. Sorry. We are poor.
So, here are the top ten ways for all of us to survive this dreaded holiday.
10. If you're in a relationship, do not under any circumstances wish your sigother a happy VD on their Facebook wall. Public displays of affection do not fly today. For the record, try steering clear of FDA's (facebook displays of affection) for good. And yes, the blow off basically uses every top ten list to vent about how much we hate cheesy wall to walls.
9. If you're single, do not under any circumstances reach out to an ex to tell them you miss them. I don't care how fresh the wound of the BLOW OFF is, your life is not an eighties movie. Your ex will not show up outside your window with a boom box and a little Peter Gabriel.
8. If you're in a relationship. Stay in for the night. No one wants to see that shit out in public.
7. If you're single, avoid wearing red to work or doing something festive to pretend you are one of those rare single people that actually loves Valentine's Day. You're not fooling anyone.
6. If you're in a relationship, consider changing your status on Facebook to single for the day in solidarity. And also just to see what kind of shit show takes place in the comments section. It'll sort of be like when non-married celebrity couples say they won't get married until gay marriage is legalized. Couples shouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day until single people are extinct. Or something like that.
5. If you're single and straight, go homo. If you're single and gay, go hetero. Just for the day. Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.
4. If you're in a relationship, consider taking a single person under your wing for the day. And by under your wing I mean in the bedroom for a special Valentine's Day threesome. Like a foster couple. Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.
3. If you're single, go out on the town. One of my favorite Vdays was going to Chili's for dinner with my girl cousins. We were like, "Valentine's Day can suck it, bring on the fajitas and the awesome blossom." It was the greatest.
2. If you're in a relationship, don't go all overboard with getting each other presents. After all, this is a Hallmark holiday. The only acceptable and appropriate VD gift is a Sybian. (google it.)
1. Do not, under any circumstances, watch the movie Valentine's Day. If you're single or in a relationship. It's god awful. Instead, consider watching another light and fluffy romance like Silence of the Lambs (Clarice + Hannibal FOREVER) Or The Exorcist (Satan is SO dreamy) or Pretty Woman.
Finally, here's an anti-Valentine's Day mix to help make this day a little less annoying.
Friday, February 11, 2011
***Warning: wait at least six months to listen this song after a BLOW OFF. We take that back, wait a year.***
"I can't make you love me, if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark in these finals hours, I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the powers. But you won't. No, you won't."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
So, okay. I used to be a player, but I'm not anymore. In high school, they used to call me "Cap'n Save-a-Ho." No joke. Because I would do gentlemanly things, like let a girl go before me, open doors, stand when she left the table, pay the bill, and.... don't be alarmed, listen and care what a woman said. Today, I just treat girls I'm mildly interested in with indifference. Which, oddly, works just as well as any game I might have pulled in the past. And girls that I think MAY have potential? I prefer to treat those women with class. I get them and myself highly intoxicated, black-out, and hope that I wake up as the big spoon.
Recently, I had a gal try and play me with some of the same lines that I used to use. I knew every one of her moves two steps before she made them. Save it for someone else besides the SVB. The difference between me and other "players" is that I actually have a heavy heart and a genuine sense of remorse. That's why I don't do it anymore.
Allow me to dust off my captain cape and give you a few tips on things that a player does. Learn from them... and if it still doesn't sink in? Why don't you come over to my house for a drink some time...
1. Players will tell you they want to introduce you to his/her parents to get the show moving. Most women fall for this line and see it as "future jackpot," when it should be seen as "I'll believe it when I see it." This is a line I used to pull off with regularity and would do the trick every time. Would they ever meet my parents? Most likely not. But at that point, their inhibitions have been lowered.
2. Players will say after a funny moment or a cheers, "I'm so grateful you're in my life," or "you're amazing." They're often used to fill dead space, when really they're awkward comments. In fact, they are basically true, but mean nothing and can be repeated to a common friend.
3. Players, too early in the relationship, will use the words, "babe," "sweetheart," "honey," and a number of other monikers, to make you feel that there is a level of comfort and security. Once again, lowering your guard.
4. Players NEVER allow themselves to be photographed in a romantically-compromising picture with someone. This will instantly kill off any prospects with interested girls who do occasionally stalk guy's Facebook profiles. A gal will tag a guy in a pic, just to see if they untag themselves.
5. Players will NEVER post anything sweet or lovey on an interest's wall. That will invite a reciprocating post from the interest that will doom a status as "single." Players will relegate their gestures to text messages.
6. Players will text you, just when you're ready to give up on them.
7. Players won't ever really take you out on a real date. They'll text you to come meet up for drinks at a certain location on short notice, just to see if you're interested. If you come, you're doing yourself a disservice. Get that dinner. Or planned ahead one-on-one drinks. If he's not ready to spring for it, he really doesn't care about you that much.
8. Players will text you early in the courtship process at 1am, 2am, 3am and on, after a night of partying, just because they want to get some action. If they really liked you and respected you, they wouldn't ruin it by a drunken booty-call text message. Don't respond. No one that I genuinely wanted to turn into something more has received a drunken text from me (during the early stages of dating... Afterwards, it's like an everyday occurrence).
9. Players are always extremely busy. They say they have an amazing array of things going on, because, in reality, they need to find time for their other women. If he likes you, he will make time.
10. Players will rarely ever call you to just chat. Every call or text for a player has to have the insinuation of meeting up in the near future. You should wait for calls and messages that just want to know how you are and how your day went.
If you want to find someone real, look for someone with some vulnerability in their answers. When you ask them questions, they don't sound like they've reeled off the exact same answers a thousand other times in their lives. Smooth is not a substitute for substance. I should know - In the world of love, I've lived a life full of empty promises, short on value. I make amends, one day at a time. Do yourselves a favor and don't get played.
At this point in my life, I really wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. I kind of miss the comforts of a relationship. And I think the fact that every one of my Facebook pics has me holding an alcoholic beverage with my shirt off as scantily clad women hover, featured in exotic locales, that really tells a woman: "hey, this guy is a consummate, classy professional, who would be perfect to bring home to Mom." So ladies, email me at my professional email address: SVBachelor@gmail.com for more info on my relationship credentials.
Lastly, don't ever try and pull a game on me. I'm too good for that and it insults my intelligence. No ass is ever worth my integrity... unless I've had one or more drinks. At that point, I will dance like a clown, watch Jersey Shore, and listen to Ke$ha, if you wanted me to...
The SVB, formerly known as, Captain Save-a-Ho
*To read more of Kevin's dating exploits, check out his blog.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I saw Brad Womack's British therapist! I wanted so badly to ask him if he had cured Brad and if America could expect The Bachelor to put a ring on some lucky girl's finger. But I lost my nerve.
Anyway...in this episode, the ladies go to Costa Rica to spend more amazingly romantic good times with Brad. They arrive at this fancy hotel overlooking a volcano and find Brad waiting there for him. I find it incredibly creepy when they all greet Brad hello, it's like Big Love meets Baywatch.
Chantal gets super excited to get the first one on one date in this episode and I'm excited, because she's totes my favorite. She's pretty, wears too much blush, and could cut a bitch. What's not to love. Michelle is super pissed that Chantal gets another one on one date with Brad, but that's to be expected, because Michelle is CRAZY.
Brad and Chantal go zip lining. I have to say, this girl is playing all her cards right. Brad seems a little freaked out by the zip line, but she's totally into it--- and even when it starts raining she still laughs it all off. She's got the perfect girl act down pat. They zip line and then make out.
Candlelit dinner time. It's been less than 24 hours since I've seen this episode and I couldn't tell you what they talked about it if you put a gun to my head. Probably that they are falling for each other and that he makes her feel special and that this was the best day ever in the world. Then it starts to rain again and Brad and Chantal run off to his room for shelter.
This is where things get really cute. Chantal puts on Brad's shirt and looks all kinds of hot. You can practically hear him get an erection. They sit outside and have dessert and Chantal tells Brad how comfortable and real all this feels. Right about now, I start getting this sinking feeling in my stomach. Chantal is so cute and for some odd reason she really likes Brad...but I'm not getting that vibe from him. He's got that look on his face a guy gets right before they decide to never call you again. But...he gives her a rose. Yay. Huge sigh of relief!
Group date time. The girls and Brad have to rappel down a waterfall in the rain. Sticking with the theme of the show, Jackie from the NYC is super scared of heights and starts having a panic attack. Michelle, being the huge fucking beeotch that she is, totally makes fun of her and tells her to look down right before she has to rappel. Okay, yes, Jackie is taking the damsel in distress thing a little too far, but let's be real--- Michelle is satan.
But, to be fair, Michelle is pissed because she and Brad made a pact that they would never rappel down anything with anyone else after their one on one date where they rappelled down an office building together. Um, I don't know why I keep fighting the true love between Michelle and Brad. It seems their mutual stupidity means they are destined to be together.
Brad should know better though. Every time he's nice to Michelle, women in America plot his death. But no. He and Michelle rappel down the waterfall together and all the girls seethe with jealousy.
Yay, the girls are in bikinis now! After all, is a group date really a group date if there are no bathing suits involved? Brad takes his shirt off and Michelle says something about wanting to fuck his brains out. This girl is trash. Let's take a moment to recognize the fact that she hasn't once said she misses her daughter or that it's hard to be away from her. Bad mother! I bet she beats her child with wire hangers.
Brad takes Jackie aside which she says---wait for it--- made her feel really special. I believe this is the catch phrase of this season. Brad tells Jackie he's proud of her and she calls him out on going down the waterfall with Michelle (after all, she was the one that was terrified.) Brad says he made a promise to Mich-HELL and he had to keep it. Ugh, I kind of want to slap Jackie, because if she really wants a rose you don't call men out on their bull shit and that what she should really do is get down in that water and give him head, stat.
Back at the house, Alli gets her first one on one date card and she gets way too excited when it says "Meet me at the altar." She tells Chantal that that's way better than the card having the word" love", because this is saying "marriage." Uh. I'm sorry, but I didn't realize Betty Draper was on this show. What year is this? Alli is pathetic.
Back at the group date, Michelle says that she doesn't see any of the girls with Brad and adds that she's not saying that to be a bitch. I don't think I've hated anyone on this franchise more than I've hated Michelle. This is Jake and Vienna all over again! If there's any justice in this world, Michelle will not get a rose.
Whoa, Brad and Emily get some alone time and she's got a hot body. I still want her to marry Chris L so they can make beautiful blond babies and look at rainbows together. Em tells Brad that she's really starting to like him and once again, I get confused. I just don't understand why any of these girls like this guy. He takes the word DUD to a whole new level.
Side note, but I'm not super team Emily like everyone else watching. Yes, I feel bad for her, but I don't get what possessed her to come on this show. I def don't buy it's to heal her broken heart.
Another side note, but I don't think I've said anything about the giant cross tattoo on Brad's back. Oh hell no. This is a deal breaker. He may as well have the word "douche" tattooed on his back.
The funniest moment of this episode has to be back at the house when Chantal and Alli see a beetle on the coffee table. Apparently, Alli is deathly afraid of insects and when Chantal brings the bug close to her, she literally throws her drink at her. Hilarious. But I'm about 99.9% certain the producers planted the insect on purpose to mess with the poor girl. This is like the motherfucking Truman Show.
Michelle and Brad get more alone time where she bitches about Chantal (who she clearly knows is her biggest competition). At this point, I'm tempted to pour acid into my eyes, because I'm so annoyed and disgusted that Brad is actually flirting with this girl. Can one guy really be this dumb??
Brad decides for some odd reason not to give anyone a rose that night. This is stupid, because it's clear there are people he'd want to keep around from this group, but at least the look on Michelle's face is priceless.
Brad arrives on a horse to pick Alli up on their date. I predict right about now that Alli is going to be sent home and that's why she got the one on one date in the first place. Every season at least one person needs to be sent home on a one on one and this season that person is Alli.
Plus, she's way too excited about this date and I just find her behavior totally offensive and embarrassing.
Brad and Alli arrive at a cave. Surprise Surprise, folks. There's insects and bats in here and Alli has a freak out and Brad has to calm her down. This whole sequence is totally annoying. Didn't ABC learn anything from the cave scenes in The Bachelorette? We can't see shit, it's all dark and boring in there.
Finally, the two of them arrive at an altar and drink cocktails. And then Sloth shows up and yells "hey, you guys" and the three of them go on a quest to track down Chester Copperpot. Wait, no. Sorry. That's Goonies.
Next, Brad and Alli have an equally boring dinner where she says something stupid about people who live in big cities, because she's got a chip on her shoulder from living in Columbus, OH. Brad tries to stay awake through this. Back at the house, all the girls agree that Brad isn't going to give her a rose. Oh no. Now I kind of feel bad for her. What's going to happen?? Is he going to send her home or not? The anticipation is killing me.
Brad officially gets the trophy for worst blow off-er. Get this. Alli tells him how she ended her last relationship of two years, because as much as she tried, every time she imagined her wedding, she couldn't see her boyfriend standing there at the altar. And then Brad, no joke, basically tells her that's how he feels about her and sends her home.
The International Man of Mystery arrives at the house and takes Alli's suitcases away. The girls are stunned. In the back of the car, Alli cries and says she's going to miss Brad a lot. Um, you had like three conversations with him all season. Pull yourself together!!
Then, believe it or not, Michelle randomly shows up at Brad's place to say hi. Being the savvy viewer that I am, I feel like this is kind of staged. Brad is definitely shocked, but there's a crew in his room...unless they were taping some post-date interviews that never aired, the producers def knew Michelle was going to go all psycho and show up. I'm willing to bet there's also a clause that says Brad can't spend any alone time with a girl off camera until the overnight dates.
Brad's a little freaked out by Michelle's stalker tendencies, but he's still being WAY too nice to her. I want him to call her a psycho and then attack her with an ice pick, but instead they just cuddle. Michelle says that she thinks it's going to be between her and Dr. Ashley in the finale--- which supports my hypothesis that Ashley is going to get the final rose. I know we didn't see much of the two of them together in this episode, but clearly Michelle senses their chemistry too.
CUT TO the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Brad has the same exact conversation with Emily he's had a million times. He takes Michelle aside again and basically tells her (in the nicest way possible) that she's a psycho bitch and Michelle breaks down in tears and he comforts her. The girl is hard core. She has him wrapped around her little finger!
Meanwhile, the girls realize that Michelle secretly saw Brad after the group date and they confront her. She admits she did and they are all PISSED. I cannot wait to see someone take this girl down!
Chantal tells Brad that she loves him. Ugh, it's way too soon for her to say this, but being the super genius that she is--- she tells him how she feels on a night where she already has a rose, because she doesn't want Brad to think she has ulterior motives. Brad asks her why she thinks she's in love and she actually gives him a really good answer (something about how she cares about him more than herself now. Okay, never mind, that's kind of desperate--- but it sounded good at the time.)
Either way, Chantal is definitely the smartest girl here and even though I don't think she'll get Brad at the end, she may have just surpassed Emily as the front runner for the next season of The Bachelorette. P.S. I'm sad that she told Brad she loved him when she was wearing the world's ugliest dress ever. We're talking straight off the rack at TJ Maxx and onto the Jersey Shore ugly.
Holy shit! Where did Chris Harrison come from and why is he there??? It must be rose ceremony time. Brad kicks things off by telling the girls that he normally rehearses what he's going to say (i.e. the producers write his lines for him) but tonight he's off the cuff. Okay. Whatever.
It's pretty obvious that either Jackie or Britt is going home. Britt gets a rose and I'm kind of confused. She looks like an anorexic teen barbie. There's one rose left and it's between Michelle and Jackie. We all know that Michelle isn't going to get the boot this early and Jackie is sent home.
I had high hopes for Jackie and Brad when they had their one on one date at the Hollywood Bowl, but I think she might be a little too normal and classy for him. And even though she says some dumb things during her "exit interview" she doesn't cry--- and that's all that matters.
I'm hoping the only reason Michelle is still around is either A. the producers know she's ratings gold and have told Brad to be nice to her and keep her around. OR B. Brad wants to fuck her.
If he actually likes the girl and I have to see her annoying face for the next however many episodes, I'm going to lose all faith in love and everything that's real in this world.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
But I've only got myself to blame, right? It seems that I just can't get over my Type Matrix! This is an ongoing pattern: I meet a cute boy, my eyes glaze over, my knees turn to jello, I start to stutter--I'm a sucker for that sheepish charm. I would never suspect any deception. I have been, in a word, naive.
But this post isn't about those douche bags. I'm here to talk about all those nice boys who I never even gave a chance. This one's for them.
So I was hanging out with my brother and his friend Jason last month, and I inquired about their dating lives. Neither was seeing anyone, and Jason said, "Girls just aren't into nice guys."
It's such a cliche, and they both laughed it off--but this struck a chord with me. Was I one of these girls? I flipped through my mental dating history notes, and thought hard. BANG! It's true: I've blown off countless nice guys, just to get blown off by their completely unattainable, ineligible friend. Or coworker. Or brother.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Let's start with junior high. Matt, a tall lanky guy who wore a Primus tshirt every day, asked me out. He was the biggest sweetheart on the entire planet, and I thought I liked him so we went out (meaning we swayed to Stairway to Heaven at the dance, and we spoke on the phone for an hour every night). I then dumped him cause he was just too nice. I couldn't deal. Besides, I liked his friend, Mickey O.
I broke Matt's heart, but oh, Mickey O! A goofy, blue-eyed charmer, who was so complicated and emotionally unavailable! I ended up pining after Mickey for the next year, even after he started going out with some other girl. Matt was still in the background, waiting for me. I never spoke to either of them again after 8th grade.
Onward to college, when I became totally infatuated with my good friend Jay, who loved me as a friend. He threw a huge birthday party at his beachfront apartment our sophomore year, where I met his brother Nate who was visiting for the weekend. Nate and I hit it off immediately and ended up ditching the party (much to Jay's disapproving glare) and we hung out all night. Around 3am, he kissed me--but I was thinking about Jay the entire time. I quickly decided I didn't like him (he's way too nice! Besides, he's Jay's brother!) and I made him sleep on the couch. Nate continued to call me even after he left town, but I never gave him another thought. My love for Jay remained unrequited for the rest of our college days.
Now, on to 2002. I was a fresh California transplant in NYC working at a high-profile architecture firm (my very first job!). I met a nice boy, Tim, at the office Christmas party--he's an architect at the DC office and was totally ready for marriage the second I met him. He was smitten! We end up making out, and talked extensively over the phone for the following month or two. Tim was, hands down, one of the the nicest guys EVER--really sweet, considerate, a true gentleman.
But then one day, I decided that I didn't like him (as was to be predicted). So how did I alleviate this? I stopped picking up his phone calls. I could not deal with having the, "Sorry, let's just be friends," conversation, so I just let him leave message after excruciating message on my voicemail.
I am going to hell.
Fast forward a year later to the 2003 office Christmas party. I knew Tim would be there, and I avoided eye contact with him at all costs. Instead, I met Tim's coworker Al, who I fell for immediately (must have been all those tattoos and the way his hair waved off to one side). We end up making out at the party, for everyone to see--including Tim.
God, I am DEFINITELY going to hell.
Al may have turned into a long-term relationship, but it ended horribly and I haven't spoken to him in years. Payback's a bitch.
Lord knows that I have been blown off time after time, by boys who I should have never even been involved with in the first place. But the time has come to BLOW OFF these boys for good. Can I get an AMEN?
To all you Matts, Nates, and Tims of the world: Are you reading this? Will you forgive me?
I'm ready for you now.
Monday, February 7, 2011
|Mike and I bored taking pictures*|
*[Disclaimer: I don't usually look as handsome as I do in that picture]
Friday, February 4, 2011
"When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to. Even though this might bruise you. Let it burn."
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Here's the scenario. Boy meets girl. Boy is super intense about girl. Boy starts backing off. Girl has panic attacks. Boy says he's not ready to be in a relationship. Girl and all her friends agree that boy likes her so much it SCARES him.
Yes, the old fear of intimacy excuse. According to the gospel He's Just Not That Into You--- if a guy likes you, nothing will stop them from being with you, even a supposed case of F.O.I. But that book was published seven years ago...and there is no 2nd edition...(actually, according to Amazon, there's an expanded edition, but do we really need more reasons men don't want us? Who has time for that?)
So, Boys: have you ever avoided a relationship with someone, because you weren't ready for how much you liked them? Like maybe they were the type of girl you marry and that scared you enough to call it quits? Or is this just a total myth and us girls will come up with any excuse to console ourselves after we've been rejected?
Bust the myth yo. Comment below.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The girls are all giddy as we see home video like footage of them at the airport. I'd be excited too if I was getting the fuck out of the valley and out of that gnarly house. I mean, this is season 15. Think about how many gross bodily fluids and STDs have passed through that house.
Brad arrives to show the girls their fancy pants hotel suite. Now, I'm jealous. This place is super nice and it's about to get polluted by a bunch of trashy girls who've left jobs, children, and their resident tanning salons to find love.
Brad leaves them with a date card and we learn that Shawntel gets the first one on one date. I have a good feeling about Brad and Shawntel. She embalms dead people and he has the IQ of a dead person. They're meant to be!
Okay, Shawntel gets the best date so far. She gets to go on a phat (that's right, phat) shopping spree at what Brad calls the nicest mall in the world. I've been to this mall with the BF and dragged him into Fendi where the sales woman convinced me to try on a chinchilla coat. It cost $25,000. I wonder if Brad would have been all like "put it on the counter" if she picked that shit out.
When Shawntel goes back to the hotel room with all her shopping bags, the girls want to tear her eyelashes out one by one. I love how the show makes it seem like Brad slapped his Titanium Am Ex down to spoil her. ABC bought this shit and I 100% guarantee they confiscated half the stuff while Shawntel was sleeping.
Brad picks Shawntel up for dinner and she looks smoking hot. But sadly, guess where he's taking her? The motherfucking rooftop! I mean, seriously. If any guy takes me to a rooftop in the near or distant future, I'm going to throw him off it.
In Bachelor episode years, Brad and Shawntel have been dating for like an eternity and this is the first time she's telling him she's a funeral director in Chico. If I were Brad I'd skip right over the funeral thing and be like, Chico? Seriously? I just thought that was where dumb people went to college.
Anyway...Brad and Shawntel actually have a funny conversation about how she pumps dead people with chemicals. Brad tells Shawntel that his second cousin is Frankenstein. Then fireworks go off. Back at the suite, the girls strain their necks to see the fireworks and shit themselves out of jealousy. Shawntel gets a rose and she and Brad make out.
The group date card arrives and drama quickly ensues--- cause the two girls that aren't on this date card go on what's called a two on one date. What's a two on one date you might be wondering? Shucks, how do I explain this? Where is Chris Harrison when you need him?! So, a two on one is when Brad takes two girls out on a date, but can only give out one rose. Everyone freaks out when Ashley S. (the nanny) and Ashley H. (the dentist) get the two on one date. Apparently, the Ashley's are best friends and they can't stand the idea of either of them leaving. What a serious dilemma. They should just kill themselves.
Now, it's time for the group date. And guess where ABC takes them?! A NASCAR race track. Um, the producers and execs at the network are going straight to hell for this. Cause as we've heard about five times in every episode, Emily's fiance worked in racing and died in a plane crash on his way to the tracks. Note: apparently, Brad knows nothing about this.
Right about now, we get one of our golden talking head moments from Michelle who says: I am fun and hot and you should see me in a race car. And then makes a really weird face. Why is this girl still on this show? She looks and acts like a fart. I don't know what that means, but in the words of Adam Sandler's next flop, just go with it.
Emily's about to have an emotional breakdown at the race track (AKA she's smiling a little less than normal) and Brad is apparently psychic, because he picks up on it immediately. He takes her aside to talk to her and she explains for the millionth time about who her fiance was and how he died.
I did some research on Ricky Hendrick and I have to admit, reading about his death made me SO SAD. Apparently, his family is huge in the racing world and the children's hospital Emily works at was almost entirely funded by Ricky's parents. Emily also dated Dale Earnhardt, Jr a couple years ago--- but I'm guessing he was one of those guys that ran far far away from her. I was also shocked to find out that Emily's daughter is real and that she wasn't picked out of two hundred blond seven year olds in a casting file.
Moving on. Emily reveals that the only time she's been in another race car was when she was in the passenger seat and Ricky was driving. TEARS! She drives around the track and says "the first few laps were for Ricky, the last lap was for me." Poor Em. But I kind of feel like she's taking a giant crap on the memory of her dead fiance by being on this show. I think we all know where Emily really wants to be...The Bachelorette of course.
Let's get back to why ABC deserves to go to hell. They knew all about Emily's past and they still brought the girls to the race track (and not just any race track--- the one that put an end to Ricky's career as a driver after a crash caused a shoulder injury.) Chris Harrison claims that the entire season was planned way before they knew about Emily's plight. Great. Not only is Chris Harrison a lazy ass, but he's also a liar. This is the biggest load ever! And even if it was true, ABC didn't have to send Emily on this date. If Em has any self respect, she wouldn't go on the Bachelorette after the show totes exploited her.
After driving the track, the group date continues poolside. Brad keeps taking Emily aside to apologize to her for the millionth time and the othee girls are ready to find a fiance and have him die in a tragic accident so that Brad will make them feel special. This one girl whose name I can never remember says how it's not fair that Em gets all the time with Brad just because she has the worst story. Okay, this girl is a bitch. And an idiot. Clearly she doesn't know there are certain things you only think in your head and don't say out loud. Later, she whines to Brad about how she doesn't feel special. Ugh, suck it.
Chantel, being the Bachelor genius that she is, doesn't play the jealousy card and tells Brad that his kindness to Emily only makes her like him more. She's lying, cause later she cries.
Michelle the nut shell steals Brad away and my vagina vomits when they whisper sweet nothings and make out. Brad actually says that when he's around Michelle, he doesn't focus on anything but her. I knew it! Michelle's a witch. She's put a spell on Brad. He's not stupid, he's just possessed by the she-demon.
When Brad gives Emily the rose, Chantel utters one of my fave lines in the episode: "It's hard not to feel like you're some creepy person watching Brad and Emily out on a date." How creepy do you think I feel watching you all go out on dates with Mr. Personality every week?
I forgot to mention that I watched parts of this episode with the BF and he finally helped me realize who Brad reminds me of: Forrest Gump!!!
Ashley Squared kick off their 2 on 1 date by going to Viva Elvis with Brad. The nanny feels super insecure, while her bestie seems totally in her element with Brad. They practice a Cirque du Soleil routine, then head to dinner. During the appetizers, Brad totally blows off Ashley S. by saying that she'd make an incredible wife to someone, but not him. BURN! Remember how torn up these two girls were about having to go on the 2 on 1 date together? Well, the other Ashley doesn't seem at all sad to see her ex-bestie go. Ashley S balls her eyes out in the back of a limo---which annoys the shit out of me. Will one girl just make good on the promise that they will not cry on reality TV??
After his cameo performance in Viva Elvis Brad calls his therapist. Basically, when these two are on screen all I hear is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (in a British accent.)
It's the rose ceremony and Chantel and Brad have a little chat about all the time he spent with Emily. Chantel is my favorite girl on the show, BUT she's way too together and articulate for Brad. He needs someone dumb and ditsy and slow. Like him!
Brad (i.e. the producers) decide to do something to make the girl whose name I can't remember feel special. Brad gives her a small chocolate dessert made to look like a three tier cake. The cake has some green accents to it, because Brad remembered (i.e. the producers) that "wtf is her name?" girl wore green the first time they met.
My guess is that Marissa and Lisa are going home tonight, because we've never seen them talk to Brad. But then Melissa takes him aside to give him a couple love notes, since she can't send him texts. This is awkward. Brad's face screams "these notes will not get you a rose weird eyebrow lady."
Michelle locks Brad in some room, tells him not to talk, and tells him it's time to get rid of some girls. He looks genuinely afraid of her. They make out, I barf in my mouth, and Michelle tells Brad next time they're together, he can talk. I think that's why Brad likes her, cause she lets him be himself: a dum dum mute.
Then something crazy happens!!!! Chris Harrison arrives to tell everyone it's time for the rose ceremony. WHAT? How dare ABC make Chris Harrison travel to Vegas for this? The man is busy. He doesn't have time for a job!
Brad gives a rose to Michelle (are you kidding me, Forrest?), the girl whose name I can't remember who doesn't feel special, Britt, Chantal, and Jackie. As predicted, Lisa and Marissa get the boot and make fools of themselves as they cry their eyes out.
Okay, here's my prediction for the rest of the season.
Final four: it's a toss up. Chantel, Ashley H, Shawntel and either Michelle or Emily. Jackie, Alli, and Britt are going to go bye bye.
Final three: Chantel, Ashley H., Shawntel
Final two: Chantel, Ashley H
Final Rose: Ashley H. For reals.