Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Divorce Shower: A BLOW OFF interview

There's nothing we love more at the BLOW OFF then when we hear from one of our readers. A couple weeks ago, we received an email from Beth P all the way in Florida. Beth runs a Divorce Shower Store which we thought was pretty ingenious. Their motto: It's fun to be one. It got us thinking...divorce is one of the biggest BLOW OFFs there is and yet we've barely scratched the surface of it on this blog. Beth was kind enough to let us interview her on the topic. We think she's pretty awesome, read her answers below and make sure to check out her site.

Divorce is one of the ultimate BLOW OFFs, can you give us a little background on your experience with it and how you got through it?
Let's just say I've been there,done that and got the tshirt. As a divorcee myself I can totally relate. It's like all of your emotions are caught up in a tornado spinning out of control. It's the single most dramatic EXperience I have ever been through. The only way I was able to really get a grasp was to focus on a goal and tell myself "no one ever died from a broken heart." I put my biggest smile on and headed out with the girls for a night on town just to remind myself that my life didn't stop but started over so what I chose to make of it was up to me.

What made you decide to start the divorce shower store? What do you hope it brings your clients?
I find that when most people go through a divorce they are in need of two things. First, they need support and what better way than to have a party to celebrate the end of an error. Second, many people lose a lot of material items in the big split including everyday living items such as utensils and even pots and pans. Let's face it, divorce is costly for both parties and these items may be difficult for someone to replace. What better way to put a smile on someone's face who is going through a divorce than to give them a much needed gift? Divorce Shower Store was created to do both. It is my goal to have a store focused solely on the needs of divorce and to show my customers that they can heal through laughter and find good out of this emotional roller coaster. Divorce Shower Store has a wide variety of customers. I have friends looking to cheer up whomever is going through it to people celebrating each year on the date their divorce was final.

Did creating the business help with your healing process?
I actually created the store a long time after my divorce. It wasn't until I healed from my own divorce that I understood how others felt during this time. Over the years I have had many friends and family members go through it and it always left me wondering what I could do to help. Now, it's my turn to reach out to others and help them through it.

What's your perspective on relationships and love now? Has it changed?
Surprisingly enough, this is the number one question I get asked and the answer is I am pro-love. I just believe you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. As so many of my customers share their ups and downs with me, it brings me great pleasure to assure them it's never too late to find true love and that this is just like the end of the chapter in their great book of life.

In a lot of BLOW OFF scenarios, we have the luxury of never seeing our ex again. That's not always true when you've been married to the person. Can you give our readers a little advice on navigating those waters?

Each divorce has it's own EXasperating details. Most of my customers never ever want to see that person who just ripped their heart out ever again. In fact, they are more interested in starting their new lives changing everything that is negative in their lives. That includes them ending the relationship with the words "ba-bye." Of course, I encourage those with children to always keep the communication open as they do need to have contact. Well at least until the children are of age and then kick out the arrivederci's.

What's the best piece of advice you were given when you were going through your break up? Any wisdom you'd like to impart on our readers who are going through a break up right now?
With most people angry and anxious to "get back" at the other person this is what I like to tell them. The best way to get back at an ex is to live better in my opinion so take each divorce as it is and show that man/woman that you can do this and survive with the best out of life. It'll make them wonder what they lost. Karma is a powerful woman and she always strikes the revengeful person. Don't be that person. Also, give yourself one year to heal. You didn't fall in love with this person overnight so don't EXpect to fall out of love overnight.

The BLOW OFF would like to thank Beth for taking the time to do an interview with us and to give such insightful answers. If you have any burning desires to share your own insights on breaks up, email us at

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

the time I almost BLEW OFF my future bestie

You know when you're at a bar or at a grocery store or at the mall and you run into someone you know, but for whatever reason you really don't feel like saying hello? Maybe you're not wearing your cutest outfit or you have a zit or you've gained five pounds, but the thought of making small talk is more intimidating than climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. So. There's only one thing you can do. Pretend you don't see the person and never say hello to them. I've done this endless times. It's what I call the "I don't feel like saying hi" BLOW OFF.

Well, I almost did this to one of my best friends before she became one of my best friends and I don't think I ever told her. That friend is one of our very own contributors. I'll give you a clue: she's a single Asian female named Kayoko.

The details are hazy. I had been living in New York for about five or six months. It was winter and it was freezing out. I went to the movies in Union Square with some friends to see what I think was 25th Hour. It was either before the movie or after the movie, but out of nowhere I saw my old friend Kayoko. We had gone to the same middle school and saw each other once in awhile during our high school years even though we went to rival schools (I actually went stag to her school's winter formal. Figure that one out.) We pretty much lost track of each other in college (keep in mind, there was no social networking at that time), so I was pretty surprised to see her. But for some reason, I panicked. I didn't feel like saying hi. I didn't like my outfit. It was cold and my skin was pasty and my nose was red and I probably had snot dripping everywhere. I was just going to pretend I didn't see her, but then that dreaded thing happened...she saw me and came over to say hello.

It was actually so comforting to see someone from home in a crazy big city where I only knew a handful of people. I instantly felt like a chump for not saying hi and was so excited to hear Kayoko wasn't just visiting, but living in New York too. We exchanged phone numbers and got together for drinks pretty soon after.

Drinks turned into weekly dinners and weekends of bar hopping for the next three years of living in New York together and we've been besties ever since. And to think...I almost blew her off and never even said hello. I would have missed out on one of the best relationships of my life. So, next time, when you run into an old friend, don't fuck it up. Say hi.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Ten Hardest Things About Being Single: A Rebuttal

Editor's note: After the Silicon Valley Bachelor read our top ten hardest things about being in a relationship, he took our offer and came up with a rebuttal for the single folks. Enjoy!

10. Eating by yourself really sucks. And I do it a lot. Instead of having your significant other order something that looks equally appetizing so that you can both share, you must choose one and run with it. Therefore, I have yet to try anything else besides a Barbacoa burrito at Chipotle, lest I don't like what I ordered and ruin my entire meal.

9. Unlimited boob touchage. You guys and gals know what I'm talking about. There always comes to a point where you're just allowed to grab her boobs whenever you want. It can be during a telecast of the Laker's game and during a timeout you do a reach-over boob grab, then take a sip of your beer as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Or during a car ride, where you put your hand down her v-neck shirt, leave it there, and drive-on in silence.

8. Alienation. Your couple friends just don't invite you out anymore. I get all sad when seeing pics of them out together on Facebook. It makes me try harder with the girls when I see them - in hopes they'll invite me out next time. "Oh.Em.Gee., is that Sephora by OP you're wearing!??! You go girlfriend!" Alas, my attempts at offering tips on the best female hygienic products also falls flat.

7. Friends. As a result of #8, my going out friends get younger and younger. Pretty soon, people will ask them, "hey, is this your Dad?" Or worse yet, "who's the creepy old guy you came with?"

6. Splitting the bills. I think down the line, the girl will pay about a third of the time. Can anyone confirm? Since I never make it that far, I am essentially paying 100% of the time. It's wonderful.

5. Weddings. The older I get, the less fun weddings become without a date. Couples in their early 30s are starting to run out of eligible bachelorette friends. And no offense, but the ones left over are like the rejects with some huge character flaw. Like, she dated a guy for 10 years and he didn't want to marry her, so now here she is with no personality because she missed out on her 20s and never had to work at being interesting.

4. Spooning. I don't know about you, but it feels so darn good to spoon in five minute increments during the night and morning. I mean, I've unconsciously spooned girls I'm not interested in and then I realize it and become grossed out, but I miss just being so into someone and holding them when you're both so vulnerable and uninhibited. Sigh.

3. Movies. I want to go watch movies - not all the time - but some of the time. And asking your guy friends to go watch a movie is always a little weird. It's like double dutch jump roping. Do I sit next to him? Who gets the arm rest? What if our elbows accidentally touch? Should we do the macho guy thing and leave a seat inbetween the both of us?!? It's just too complicated.

2. Condoms. Who the hell likes using condoms? What a buzz kill! Oh, stop it! I've written about way worse things than that before. Find me someone who likes using condoms, not named Jason Biggs in American Pie, and I will find you someone who is hiding herpes.

1. Designated Driver. Everyone knows that I am going to get more drunk than anyone else at the bar, therefore eliminating myself as a viable option for a ride home or even comprehensible conversation. I often remember hearing: "Kevin, everything you just said made me dumber." Most girls know that I get so sloppy, that I ruin their buzz, relegating them to a sigh and, "I guess I'm driving us home tonight..." Oh, man... I miss relationships.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

read more about Kevin's exploits on his blog. It's the shiz-nit.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: Serual Dater

Serual Dater
function: noun
Origin: During a drink induced vent session with a girlfriend
Definition: Someone who says they want to keep things casual, but still partakes in all the perks of being in a serious relationship. (Casual + Serious = Serual)
(If Jimmy really wants to keep things low key, then why does he hold me all through the night and give me full access to his Netflix Queue? There can only be one explanation. He's a serual dater.)

We've probably all had the displeasure of getting involved with a serual dater at one point or the other. You know the type. Someone that says they don't want to get bogged down by labels, insists they're not ready for anything serious--- but still engages in all the perks of regular companionship: passionate sex followed by brunch the next day, hand holding, lovey dovey text messages, dates on holidays and birthdays, even introducing you to their friends and family. BUT their relationship status on Facebook remains "single" and they'll never change it. It's not just guys that do this, us ladies are guilty of it too. Serual dating is all the wonderful things about being in a relationship without any of the commitment. I can ask you out to dinner, but if I flake five minutes before--- you can't get mad--- because we both agreed to just keep things casual.

It's so hard when you fall for a serual dater, because all the blissful serious moments fool you into thinking what you have will eventually turn into a real relationship. My only advice is to beat a serual dater at their own game. If they want to keep things business casual, then we take it one step further and keep things but naked. As in, we never go anywhere with them that involves putting clothes on. We keep them where they belong, in the bedroom or in the shower--- but never in a cafe or a wine bar or a dinner party. No, shoes, no shirt, no serious relationship.

Friday, March 25, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: What it Takes by Aerosmith

"Girl, before I met you I was F-I-N-E fine, but your love made me a prisoner and my heart's been doing time. "

Aerosmith, 1989

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Elizabeth Taylor: Queen of all BLOW OFFs

In honor of Elizabeth Taylor's life and legacy, we'd like to take a moment to remember her three biggest BLOW OFFs (plus a bonus anti-blow off). Yes, the woman was a legend in every way, but most of all she'll be remembered for her eight marriages and seven husbands. Here are some highlights.

Elizabeth Taylor & Michael Todd
This is the only marriage Elizabeth Taylor had that didn't end in divorce. This blow off was much more devastating...Todd was killed in a plane crash one year into their marriage. Elizabeth was supposed to be on the flight with him, but stayed behind due to a cold. (Who does that remind you of? Emily from The Bachelor?) Michael & Elizabeth had a daughter who was eight months old at the time of his death and named her little Ricki (okay, just kidding about the name).

Elizabeth Taylor & Eddie Fisher
Elizabeth was distraught after Todd's death and sought comfort in the arms of his best friend: Eddie Fisher. There was only one problem, Eddie was married to Elizabeth's bestie Debbie Reynolds (didn't we try to warn you about couple friends?) Debbie and Eddie's daughter, Carrie Fisher (AKA Princess Leia) says the love triangle was the Brad, Angelina, and Jennifer of their day. Eddie and Elizabeth married, but divorced after five years. Debbie got the last laugh, she's outlived them both now.

Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton
Elizabeth's longest marriage (ten years!) and the only guy she married twice. Their second go round lasted less than a year. Their marriage was said to be a lot like the one they portrayed in the film Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf? In his lifetime, Burton allegedly had affairs with men as well.

Elizabeth Taylor & Michael Jackson (the anti-blow off)
Now, even though they weren't married, we feel the need to recognize the friendship between Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor. After all, she was one of the few people that never blew him off. I hope they are in some really chic part of heaven right now catching up and figuring out the game plan for when she runs into Todd, Fisher, and Burton...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

the slow burn BLOW OFF

We'll admit, this blog usually sympathizes with the broken-hearted and down and out. Most posts are told from the point of view of someone that's been dumped or fired or treated shitty at some point or another. But many of us have been on the other side of that equation and know that it can suck just as much to be the one to pull the plug.

Ending a relationship can weigh heavily on the mind of the person that has to do it. It's usually not a rash decision and we often spend months or years going back and forth about it before we have the guts to take the plunge. This is what I call the "slow burn" blow off. It's the kind of dumping that has a longer gestation period. Here are some relationships that often result in a slow burn:

*Ultra long term relationships where your sig other doesn't have much of a life outside you. What will become of them once you're gone?

*Marriages. Not only will you be kissing tax breaks good bye, but potentially 50% of your assets if you file for divorce.

*Co-habitation. Where will you live now? How will you avoid the dreaded day where someone's putting all their things in boxes?

*Their friends are your friends. How do you break up with someone when you share the same exact social circle?

About four years ago, an old friend of mine mentioned that she was trying to break up with her boyfriend of several years. After admitting she no longer had feelings for him, she was resolute that a blow off was her only option. But she was terrified to go through with it, because they had all the same friends. Today, according to Facebook, they're still together. Apparently, JT and Jessica Biel had a slow burn blow off. Reportedly, Timberlake was trying to dump Biel for two years until he finally broke it off once and for all.

Slow burn blow offs suck. They usually involve being mean to the person or acting detached for months, so they won't be blindsided once you finally give them the heave-ho. So, what do you think readers? What's an acceptable time limit for contemplating a blow off? If you've been considering it for 3+ months, does it mean it's time? What's the longest you've waited to break up with someone? Comment below!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

the neighborly BLOW OFF

Moral dilemma alert. I need your help, readers. Here's the situation. A few years ago, I moved into my very own apartment for the first time. No roommates, no boyfriend. Just me and all my own things. Even though I had great living situations prior to living alone, it still felt heavenly to decorate everything just the way I wanted, leave dishes to pile in the sink with no guilt, and have the TV all to myself. It was bliss until I downstairs neighbor.

I had an inkling that he was sensitive to noise before I moved in. The landlord wouldn't let me tear out the carpet in my bedroom, even though there was hardwood underneath, because the neighbor had complained in the past. BUT that alone did not prepare me for his craziness. Here's my mea culpa. A week after I moved in, the BF moved to LA from NY and stayed with me for about a month before finding his own place. After his first few days of staying with me, the neighbor knocked on the apartment door (while I was at work) and complained to my boyfriend about making too much noise when he walked around the apartment. Okay, fine. No big deal. One noise complaint. I could handle this.

Then, the notes and the yelling began and they continued long after the BF moved out. One night, he screamed at me for having music on in the middle of the night (I needed to listen to music to fall asleep). Seems reasonable of him except my Ipod was seriously at the lowest decibel-- like I could barely hear it myself. Clearly this man had super human hearing powers. The screaming was scary, unhinged, and borderline psychotic, so I stopped with the music. The notes were usually left on my front door or on my car. One time, I came home to find a note reminding me to be quiet. WTF? After all these years of wanting to live alone, I ended up with the most anal retentive roommate in the world. Another time he left a note in my mailbox telling me he'd be out of town for the weekend so I could be as loud as I wanted.

Early on, I decided to face the situation head on and went to talk to him in person. What followed was a barrage of ways I could keep the noise down: cover the wood floors in the living room with rugs, NEVER wear shoes in my apartment, keep the window by the TV closed at all times, close my hallway and bedroom door after 10pm (his bedtime) if I was still up watching TV. It turned out, he'd been living in the apartment building for over 11 years, paid very little rent, and wanted to keep it that way. Mind you, the building was on the corner of a VERY busy street where the traffic noise alone should have made this guy nuts.

Things between us calmed down over time, mainly because I spent a few days out of week at the BF's place, and because he had a new neighbor to harass. His favorite way to retaliate against his new enemy was to turn his music up super loud in the morning and leave for work, so the whole building would have to suffer. It was a nightmare and the day I finally moved out, he actually said he was sorry to see me go, because I was so quiet. Of course I was. I was literally walking on eggshells the whole two years I lived there.

So. Here's where the moral dilemma comes in. The poor girl that moved into my apartment after me tracked me down on Facebook, because she is having the same issues with him, and they've escalated way beyond what I dealt with. She's in the process of getting him evicted, but her lawyer said she needs other witnesses to testify against him and she asked if I would be willing to do it. I feel terrible for her and I really don't want to blow her off, but I'm also afraid he'll track down my address and murder me, because the guy is obviously off his rocker. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Monday, March 21, 2011

the anti-BLOW OFF: happy birthday to my dad

Every once in awhile, the BLOW OFF likes to acknowledge the people we love who never blow us off. Today, on his birthday, I'd like to take a moment to give some love to my dad-- the wisest most caring guy I know.

It's because of my dad that I've always had high expectations for the men in my life. When you know there are good guys out there, you never want to settle for anything less. My dad's taught me that a guy can be the strong protector type, but can also have a sense of humor and cry at the end of The Little Mermaid. During the years, he's always been there to give me advice, tell me when I'm wrong or right about something, and support me either way. He's worked hard all his life, but even after 14 hours at the office, he somehow manages to always come home with a huge smile on his face.

He's also the original LifeOfTheParty. Ask anyone who's seen his signature dance moves.

The thing I love most about my dad is the way he loves my mom. After more than 36 years of marriage, he still tells her she looks beautiful all the time, praises her strength and her personality, and looks at her like she's the best thing that ever happened to him (and she is.) We can't choose our parents. I just got really lucky that a certain sperm didn't blow off a certain egg. The good news is, even if it's not your dad or your mom, we all have people out there that would never dream of blowing us off. Let's celebrate them today.

Friday, March 18, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: Criminal by Fiona Apple

"I've been a bad bad girl. I've been careless with a delicate man. And it's a sad sad world, when a girl will break a boy just because she can."

-Fiona Apple,1996

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: a fouche bag

Fouche Bag
function: noun
Origin: I thought the BF invented it last week, but Urban Dictionary beat him to the punch.
Definition: a female douche bag (a jerk, an idiot, a tool).
(Orange girls with bad boob jobs and velor jump suits are total fouche bags.)

How do you spot a fouche bag? Easy. Here are just a few signs that you might be dating one.

Your girlfriend has never offered to treat or pay for anything. Ever.
Your girlfriend is Lindsay Lohan's Mom or Kate Gosselin.
Your girlfriend is on a first name basis with every employee at every spray tanning facility within a twenty mile radius.
Your girlfriend listens to John Mayer.
Your girlfriend is a fake blond or won't leave the house without her fake eyelashes.
Your girlfriend talks entirely about herself.
Your girlfriend wears pink flip flops.
Your girlfriend has a perma-scowl on her face.
Your girlfriend has sequins on her vagina.
Your girlfriend is on a reality show.
Your girlfriend was in a sorority. And still participates in alumni events.
Your girlfriend's thong is perpetually above her low rise jeans.
Your girlfriend wears so much make up, her face and neck are complementary colors.
Your girlfriend posts racist rants on YouTube.
Your girlfriend won't get engaged to you until you can afford the ring she's already picked out.
Your girlfriend has a butterfly tattoo right above her butt crack.

These are just a few of the signs. If you think your girlfriend may have early symptoms of being a fouche face, consider blowing her off now. Nine out of ten doctors agree that fouchiness is highly contagious...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

the non-commital BLOW OFF

"You're the woman of one of my dreams."

(The New Yorker, October 18, 2010)

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: the FINAL rose!!!

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. The final rose ceremony! Who will win Brad's eternal love? Chantal (the feisty brunette) or Emily (the submissive blond.) If you can't guess by now who gets the final rose, go slap yourself. The picture is kind of a dead giveaway.

The show begins with stunning shots of Cape Town, South Africa. Brad hangs out on a balcony once again and thinks about the two women he could spend the rest of his life with. We get another endless recap of the whole season. Brad laments about Chantal--- she's fun and adventurous, but her emotional side scares him. This guy really needs to read our post "My Girlfriend's Crying, What the Fuck Do I Do?" Grow a pair, Brad! Girls cry all the time! Deal with it! Then he talks about Emily and how sweet she is, but that whole past with the dead boyfriend totes intimidates him.

Brad's family (Mom, brothers, sister in laws) arrive in South Africa and he has an emotional reunion with them. The little bitch cries like a baby when he sees them. Okay, I'll admit, this made me heart Brad Womack, but it also makes him a pussy ass hypocrite for freaking out over
the girls in the house crying. But I don't really have time to think about Brad's hypocrisy, because I'm too busy swooning over his much better looking twin brother: Chad. Yes. Brad and Chad. Not only is Chad hotter than Brad, but he doesn't talk like he's got Forrest Gump syndrome. He's all I ever wanted in a man. Sadly, Brad's younger brother is not so hot and is married to a woman named Prima.

Side note: does anyone else think it's weird that Brad kisses his sister in law's bare shoulder when they hug? These two are totally fucking!

Chantal is the first to meet Brad's family. I've pretty much been Team Chantal since episode three, so I'm psyched that she's winning them over. This girl would be an awesome host for a show like Access Hollywood. She's animated, says all the right things, never stumbles over her words, and she's not as orange as the other girls. She's perfect and I love her. Brad's brothers take Chantal aside and she gushes over Brad and says things like "he better ask me to marry him." This is not a good sign. The girl with the most confidence always loses. Brad's mom and Chantal also hit it off and Chantal doesn't miss a beat when Pamela asks her how she fell in love so fast. Go Chantal!

Brad and his brothers go sit on a rock and discuss Chantal. His brothers tell Brad that she's in love with him and Brad says with total confidence "I think so." It's been pretty obvious all season that Brad's not all that into Chantal and right now it's crystal clear. Chantal is basically a thorn in his prick and he needs to figure out how to get rid of her. And never calling her again is not an option.

Then, it's Emily's turn to meet the fam. As soon as the doorbell rings, Brad practically creams himself as he jumps in the air to answer it. The guy can't keep his hands off of her. I have to be honest. I can't really stand Emily. Yes, she's sweet, but what else does she have going for her?? My fellow viewers said it best when they compared her to a grown up Jon Benet Ramsey. I never thought I was racist, but I think I hate platinum blond orange people. Also, does anyone else think Emily is not into Brad at all??

Brad's family is a little taken aback by how reserved Em is, but she manages to win them over when she plays her trump card: yes, the dead fiance. Okay, first of all--- I don't buy for a minute that Brad hasn't been allowed to say anything to his family about any of these girls. So, it feels more than a little scripted to me when Brad's younger brother asks Emily how little Ricki's father will feel about her moving to Austin. (Uh, he's dead, asshole.)

And of course Emily can't just say "Ricki's father passed away." NO. Instead, we have to hear the sob story all over again, down to what the weather was like outside. All the women at the table cry, while Emily laughs to herself: Golly, this dead fiance story works like a charm every time. What? The producers probably forced Emily to tell the story again? Um. Yeah right. You know Emily tells this story, while she's at a McDonald's drive thru ordering a Big Mac. "I'll have fries with that and my fiance had to travel a lot for his job and I used to go with him, but one day...."

Emily has her alone time with Brad's brothers and his mom. Mama Womack balls her eyes out when Emily says that Brad has been her angel. Uh, probably cause all the other women he's dated just come around to tell Pam that Brad gave them the clap.

Brad and his brothers go to their regular hang out: the rock. Brad talks about how much he hearts Emily. The lack of suspense is killing me.

The BEST part of this whole episode is when Brad's family compares Chantal to Emily. It turns out, Brad's sister in laws are big fucking bitches. (I hope you're reading this Prima and platinum blond orange person). They tell Brad that Emily would fit right in with them, because she has a kid. They actually say "Before you're a mom, you don't get it." And then they refer to Chantal as some girl they'd call to go out for wine and sushi. Um, yeah, like I'm really supposed to believe these high class bitches drink wine and eat sushi. Their favorite meal is an Awesome Blossom at Outback Steakhouse.

So, it's pretty effing obvious at this point that Brad's family is Team Em and that Brad wants to stick his penis in all her orifices, but unfortunately, there's still about an hour and twenty minutes of this show to go. So, we all have to suffer while ABC builds fake suspense.

Chantal and Brad have one last date and the poor girl has to get in a cage and swim with sharks. This is just cruel. If a guy made me do that before dumping me, I would feed him a shit load of sleeping pills and when he woke up, he'd have boobs and a vagina.

Chantal makes her last ditch effort to win Brad over by sporting desperate cleavage in her wet suit. But we all know it's too late for her. I kind of want to smack the stupid right out of her and strap her to a chair, while reading He's Just Not That Into You cover to cover. Like, if he won't even hold your hand in shark cage, then he's just not that into you.

Later that night, Chantal and Brad meet again and she brings him a present. *CRINGE* It's a map she's drawn him of all the places they've traveled together so far. Newsflash Chantal, if Emily made him a map, it would include all the same places on your map. You're not special. Chantal is actually a great case study for all the things you should not do if you want a guy to like you. For starters, don't say things like "you better love me" or "you better propose to me." Don't cry in front of him until he's invested. Don't introduce him to your pets. Don't make him something sentimental and DON'T write him a long letter professing your love (especially if he's illiterate.) Brad can barely kiss her or look her in the eye. How could she still feel confident about their love?

The next day. Brad and Emily have their date and instead of swimming with sharks, they get to do something that's never been done on the show: Fly on a helicopter. They land on some gorgeous cliff and talk for hours about how much they love each other. Now, it's all making sense! Brad probably begged the producers to come up with a date with Chantal that would not require them speaking to each other. Hence, the ridiculous wet suits and underwater cage.

That night, Brad stops by Emily's house and in order to build false tension, she starts grilling him about what it'll mean to be a stepdad. Brad's all kinds of confused right now. He's pretty much having a panic attack. Why? Because he thought this bitch didn't talk back. Why is she testing him? Where does this ho get off? This is not the obedient woman he fell for! Things are a little tense when they say their good byes, but I'm no fool. I know Brad's still picking her. Take that, ABC! Your methods of manipulation don't work on me!

It's the day of the final rose ceremony! A creepy guy with a suitcase that looks a little like Frank Langella from that terrible movie The Box comes over to give Brad his engagement ring options. He picks something gaudy and tacky. Seriously, if he gave me that ring, I'd be HELL TO THE NO. Bring me Frank Langella, give me that suitcase, step aside Womack, I'm picking my own paid for by ABC ring.

The first limo pulls up and out steps...Chantal. TEARS! Everyone knows the first girl there is the one getting shat all over. And for once, Chantal actually looks pretty and didn't pick a terrible outfit. I really hate how the show drags out the BLOW OFF so long. First, we have to sit through Brad telling Chantal how amazing and wonderful she is, how he could spend the rest of his life with her...I mean, I seriously thought the guy was going to get down on one knee and tie his shoe. Can't he just give her a hug and say what we all know he's thinking?

Brad: Chantal. I really like squeezing your boobies, but let's be real, you cry too much. You're high maintenance. And Emily is a robot who let's me do all the talking. Sayonara, Chanty!

Chantal takes the rejection in stride and waits 'til she gets to the limo to ball her freaking eyes out. She says that she feels stupid and that she really thought Brad loved her. Okay, maybe I'm not being fair by saying Chantal is clueless. I mean, we have no idea what she let him do to her in that tree house. There could have been bananas and monkeys involved.

Emily arrives with about two hundred pounds of make up on her face. I'll spare you the details, but Brad gets a hard on and proposes marriage. Emily says yes. They talk about how in love they are and how they want to be together forever and then he bends her over and they go at it doggy style. ( You don't know, that could have happened once the cameras were off. A girl can dream.)

Holy shit. I almost forgot to give Chris Harrison props for all his hard work during this episode. He opened two car doors. Wow. What class. What charisma. What talent.

SO, really quick. After the Final Rose...!

Chantal comes out for about two minutes. She looks hot. Brad makes an appearance and gives the same old song and dance about how she really did mean a lot to him, but he just had stronger feelings for someone else. Chantal cries. Brad freaks out. Then we come to find out that Chantal already met someone else and she's in love. Huh? This girl needs higher standards. How does she fall in love so freaking fast. Then, I become severely depressed when I find out that Chantal is not going to be the next Bachelorette. That was the only reason I was okay with her not getting the final rose...Turns out, the next bachelorette is going to be Ashley "I'm still in dental school and I say 'like' 8o times in one episode and I now look like a hooker" H.
I really don't know if I can watch her. Her face is a herpe on my TV screen.

Now, for the best part of the last three hours. Emily comes out and she looks smokin' hot. Her hair is not as platinum, she's slighly less orange, and the bright pink make up has been put to rest. Hallelujah! It becomes pretty clear in the first 30 seconds of this interview that Bremily is going to break up in five days or less. First of all, Em says she has no plans to move to Austin (um, deal breaker for Brad.) We hear that she was not happy after watching the episodes air and that she felt Brad should not have let things go as far with certain people if he really loved her (AKA why did you have a foursome with Chantal, a banana, and a monkey?) AND we also learn that Brad has a bad temper (his family calls him "the bear" when he gets angry.)

Brad looks like he's going to beat the living crap out of her right then and there. I'm having flashbacks of the Barbara Walters interview with Mike Tyson and Robin Givens. Em better wear a helmet backstage.

This is why I was so amused by this interview. All this time, Brad picked Emily because she seemed easy and low key. But it turns out, the girl has some serious balls and she's not about to take any shit from Womack. Turns out the joke's on Brad! This is what happens when you pick the girl that loved you less. Side note:

Dear Emily, have you never seen The Bachelor before? Were you really expecting that six episodes in, Brad would profess that he loves you and that he's annoyed he has to hang out with other women? Or are you just way smarter than the rest of us and the whole jealousy thing is the perfect out? I mean, come on, we all know you weren't really into him anyway.

Let me break it down for you. Emily is only 24. Brad is 38. The last real relationship Emily had was when she was eighteen. That means, she has the emotional maturity of a high school senior. And Brad has the emotional maturity of a three year old. They're doomed, folks.

Things get really ridiculous when Bremily get a therapy session from the only three couples that are still together from The Bachelor franchise. Jason and Molly (who don't even touch each other or make eye contact. I mean, it's obvious they hate each other's guts), Ali and Roberto who haven't even dated for a year so who cares what they say, and Trista and Ryan who have two kids, but probably haven't boned in eight months. They tell them to ignore all the haters and bloggers. Say what? I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. Emily, run like the wind. Don't let little Ricki near the bear!

That's it for our recaps. It's been fun readers. I will leave you with two final thoughts: #1 Why did all the audience members in the After the Rose look like over the hill trailer park trash? #2 A human centipede with Brad, Chris Harrison, and Brad's therapist.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

the top ten hardest things about being in a relationship

Full disclosure. I'm in a relationship. This should come as no surprise to people who regularly read this blog (since they all know me personally), but in case you don't, I like to put it out there once in a while so I won't seem like a giant hypocrite. The truth is, it's easier to talk about BLOW OFFs when you're off the market. If I was single, I probably wouldn't have the stamina to start this blog.

One of the things those of us in relationships say all the time is that relationships are "hard." And even though it sounds cliche, it's true. So, here are the top ten hardest things about being in a relationship (composed with the help of the BF). If any of you single people out there would like to send me the top ten hardest things about being single, you know where to reach me.

Hopefully, this list will make you feel a little better about flying solo for now.

10. You can no longer do things at your pace. There's nothing the BF hates more than the sound of the blow dryer ten minutes before we're about to leave the house. There's nothing I hate more than him impatiently staring at me while I blow dry my hair. There was a time I could change my outfit thirty times without anyone thinking I was insecure or crazy for doing so. There was a time he could take naps without someone yelling at him to get up, so we'd get somewhere on time. Side note, if you live together, pooping in peace kind of goes out the window.

9. There are certain foods you will rarely get to eat again, because your significant other isn't into them. I hate mushrooms, so we never cook with them. He's not a fan of Thai food, which used to be one of my go to meals out. There are also certain places you may never get to travel to together, because the other person has so little interest in going there, they won't compromise.

8. Splitting your time and holidays between each other's friends and family. As much as you might love your significant others college besties or immediate and extended family--- you don't necessarily want to spend every vacation or Saturday night with them. A word to the wise, wait for marriage to start spending the holidays with each other's families. Starting the holiday swapping early can get way too complicated.

7. Yes, significant others can be full of compliments and sweet nothings, but they can also be full of criticism. It's not easy having someone around to point out your personality flaws to you, especially when they're right about them.

6. Even the most independent people start getting a little co-dependent once they've been with someone for awhile and especially once they're living with the person they're dating. The stakes in a relationship get higher (and scarier) when you honestly couldn't imagine your life without them. Being that vulnerable is effing hard.

5. The jealousy factor. Even if you're the most secure person, jealousy still rears its ugly head here and there. Sometimes it can be sexy or humorous to see your sig other in flirt mode, but other times it makes you want to throw up all over their face.

4. The DVR. Sometimes I just want to catch up on Oprah or watch reruns of Sex and the City. Sometimes he just wants to catch up on Justified and Spartacus. Before you know it, all you end up watching is American Idol.

3. There's always someone else to consider besides yourself. Depending on how serious the relationship, a lot of things need to be decided by committee (weekend plans, finances, where to live, where to work, etc. etc.) Sometimes you just want to do what you want to do.

2. No more firsts. Don't get me wrong, there isn't anyone I'd rather go through life with, but sometimes you do get a little jealous of people who are still in their honeymoon phase. And it is a little weird to think you won't have another great first kiss or first date or first bang.

1. The fights. All of the above can cause minor arguments or huge blow outs and they're not fun. They stir up emotions you don't want stirred up, people say things they don't mean, and shit gets messy. Even if the make up sex is off the charts, it's not worth it. And not all fights ends with it anyway.

Monday, March 14, 2011

the Adjustment BLOW OFF: a film review

The Adjustment Bureau is not one of Matt Damon's best films. It probably doesn't even come near his top ten (To be fair, it is one of John Slattery's best films). But it did make me feel better about all of my previous BLOW OFFS. Here's why. In a nutshell, David (Damon's character) meets this hot British chick Elise (played by the non-annoying and charming Emily Blunt). Like every other cute girl in every other movie, she's fun and witty and slightly aloof. He falls madly in love with her after two conversations. Then, a bunch of guys straight out of Mad Men start chasing him all around New York. Apparently, David and Elise can't end up together, because it's not part of the plan God (or in this case "the chairman") has laid out for them.

David pursues Elise anyway, until one of the scary hat guys tells him that being with her will mean crushing all his career dreams and hers. David does the far far better thing and BLOWS her OFF, only to regret it later.

Damon and Blunt have a crapload of chemistry. And by chemistry, I mean they look super hot holding hands and running all over New York City. The movie has some exposition problems and there are too many scenes where we get the rules of the "adjustment bureau" explained to us. (Like their hats allow them to travel through portals AND they're a lot more fuzzy about keeping people on plan near bodies of water. Um, seriously. All of Elise and David's problems could have been solved if they just sailed away on a boat.)

Criticisms aside, the film ultimately takes a stand for free will and a stand against the pre-destined. And that's something I can get behind. It also poses the question of what provides us with true happiness: love or career or stylish fedoras?

Here's why the movie made me feel better about getting BLOWN OFF. Clearly, all the guys that have rejected me in the past only blew me off, because scary guys in hats were chasing them and told them that if I ended up with them, all my dreams of being a writer would be crushed. OR just when they went to call me up, some scary guy in a hat burned my phone number.

Also, for all the people out there contemplating how to blow someone off--- hire me. I'll sport a fedora and carry a notebook with weird hexagons all over the place and tell the person you're breaking up with that their future has been adjusted and they can't be with you. Done and done!

Friday, March 11, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake

Full disclosure. This is the 3rd time we've posted this song on the BLOW OFF, but can you blame us? It's just so appropo.

"You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With some other guy
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river."
-Justin Timberlake, 2002

RIP: Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel

The statement: "Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."

(Note: "highest level of love" should not apply to people that are no longer in a relationship.)

Finally. It only took them four years! Okay, all joking aside, this break up is a little bittersweet for me. I saw it coming three years, 11 months, and 30 days ago, BUT my heart still cries a little for any girl out there that's going through a break up. J Biel (who's my BF's #1 celebrity crush) probably should have dumped JT a long time ago. There have been so many rumors of him cheating on her (with Rihanna, Olivia Mann, and me) and you know 7th Heaven just turned a blind eye.

It's sad. It's sad when a girl that hot with toned arms and a great ass still let's a pasty skinny white guy walk all over her. But I guess Biel knew deep down JT was the best thing about her career. I mean, the girl's credits include a cheesy ass WB show, a homophobic Adam Sandler movie, and Edward Norton's worst film ever.

Back in the day, JT used to be my #1. I loved him long time. I'll never forget the night after the 2003 VMA's when I saw him perform at the Roseland Ballroom in New York. It was magical. And then, four years later the BF surprised me with tickets to his Future Sex/Love Sounds tour and I fell in love all over again. But somewhere along the way, JT got a little too hot for his own good. And yeah, even though he's a funny SNL host, he'll always be a better singer than an actor in my book. You know he's still reeling from the fact that he didn't get an Oscar nod for his mediocre performance in the Social Network. Yes. Mediocre. I said it.

Hold up. Why do any of us even care about this break up? If there's anything we've learned about celeb blow offs it's that these A-holes bounce back in like five days. Seriously. Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo announced their break up three months ago and they already have new lovahs. Celebrities move on faster than a Bugatti.

So, who do we think JT and JB will be banging next? Comment below.

(PS Britney and Justin forever!)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A few good men. No, seriously. There's only a few.

A couple weeks ago, the Wall Street Journal printed the article Where Have the Good Men Gone by writer Kay S. Hymowitz. Don't be fooled by the hipster girl with the mod haircut and blazer pictured atop the article. That's not Kay. Kay is ballpark in her fifties, married, with grown kids. She's also the author of the book Manning Up: How the Rise of Women has Turned Men into Boys. Hot title, right?

Anyway, Kay argues that with women being super awesome and successful and going to college and making shitloads of in their 20s have been left kind of confused and bewildered by their role in society. I mean, you can't act like Don Draper if you're unemployed and playing video games and your girlfriend is knocking 'em dead at the office. So, dudes have no choice but to decide that guys like Seth Rogen are more their speed. They don't want to be men anymore, they want to be boys.

This is what Kay calls "pre-adulthood." She writes: "Today's pre-adult male is like an actor in a drama in which he only knows what he shouldn't say. He has to compete in a fierce job market, but he can't act too bossy or self-confident. He should be sensitive but not paternalistic, smart but not cocky. To deepen his predicament, because he is single, his advisers and confidants are generally undomesticated guys just like him. " On the flip side, women are getting to a place where they feel husbands and fathers are not all that necessary and blowing guys off completely (which I have to say is kind of the shit).

According to Kay, since women need men less "the single young man can live in pig heaven—and often does. Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man." Wait a second...

Basically that means the Feminist Movement was a total win-win for dudes. They have less responsibilities now, they don't have to worry about being the breadwinner, and they don't even have to get wives or raise kids. Kay also fails to mention that us ladies still make 8o cents on the dollar and countries like Afghanistan and Rwanda have more women in legislative roles.

If us ladies want to take a breather or be with a dude that can act like a "man" we have to stop being so awesome? We have to drop out of college, be worse at our jobs, make less money, and be complete and total messes? Who's with me ladies? I'm tired of being a super star, let's just make pies and watch soap operas.

Better yet, maybe guys can embrace the 21st century woman and step it up. We don't want boys, we don't want "men," we just want someone on par with us. Come on, pre-adult boys! In the words of Rosie The Riveter "You can do it!"

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

the blow by blow OFF

Ladies. If you plan on being a contestant on The Bachelor and don't want to make it all the way to a fantasy suite only to get the boot, because you were all teeth, then give my friend Sasha a holler. She founded Blow By Blow, a BJ workshop that comes to you! Super fun idea for a bachelorette party...

And according to our very own SVB, the girl knows how to give a good BJ.

Stay tuned for my very own workshop called "You want a blow job? Here, fuck this watermelon."

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Women tell all!

The Women Tell All episode is a like a girl's wet dream. Total wish fulfillment all around. I'm actually considering tracking down twenty other women that have dated the same guy I have, so we can all confront the dude TOGETHER. Chris Harrison has to be there too, because he's a God among mere mortals. So. If anyone reading this also dated Ryan Gosling, please contact me. That means you, Rachel McAdams.

Anyway. Here are the highlights from last night's show:

ABC kicks things off with a boring recap of all the shenanigans from this season. Chris Harrison interviews Brad outside of the Bachelor mansion and the lighting and the flowers are so cheesy and tacky and barfalicious, that I'm fully expecting Brad and Harrison to go into a Chippendale's strip tease to the song "It's Raining Men." But they don't. The topic turns to Michelle. Brad makes some reference to being a sucker for hot girls and let's out a little awww shucks chuckle that makes me want to cut his nuts off and make earrings out of them.

Then, Harrison makes us sit through a Bachelor reunion at the Gansevoort Hotel in New York. So, if you ever plan to stay there: don't do it. Seriously. You probably can't even walk by that hotel now without swallowing herpes. Even though this taped piece was painful to watch--- there were a couple of dishy developments at the d-bag reunion. Gia and Vienna hate each other, because Vienna boned Wes. Normally, I'd be on Gia's side, but I think any girl that's attracted to Wes deserves to be thrown in Buffalo Bill's dry well in Silence of the Lambs. Also, Ali and Roberto still enjoying flaunting their love and making single people feel like shit. Casey is still running around saying "guard and protect your heart" and I don't know if I will ever be able to wipe the image of Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) sticking his tongue in Dina Lohan's mouth. Wait? That wasn't Dina Lohan? Are you sure? I cannot believe there is going to be another Bachelor Pad this summer...if I consider watching it, slap me.

FINALLY the women arrive to tell all! And they all look sluttier and more orange than the last time we saw them. Which brings me to Ashley "I'm still in dental school" H. She looks like a straight up stripper! The terrible extensions. The bright red lipstick. The glittery eye shadow. It's a terrifying combination. And what's even sadder is that you know she's making this huge effort to look hot. MAJOR FAIL. Thanks to one of our loyal readers for pointing out that her lips look a lot plumper. This only proves my point that among the final three, the girl that gives the worst head does not get a rose.

The show does an entire segment on Raichel (the manscaper) and Melissa (the cougar) who hated each other on the show. I'm sorry but this fight does not warrant an entire segment. There was like two scenes of them being bitchy to each other twelve episodes ago and Brad kicked them off. Who cares. And do I really need to see that clip of Melissa talking about her onion pizza breath again? It was bad enough the first time.

My favorite part of this whole sequence is when Raichel says she and Brad had a connection and she only got kicked off the show, because of Melissa. No, Raichel. You got kicked off the show, because of your PENIS.

Melissa's a weirdo, but she actually manages to come off the less trashy of the two when she takes the high road and apologizes to Raichel, who makes the mistake of not apologizing back. These girls seriously have no self awareness. It's scary. Where is Brad's therapist when you need him??

Now, let's talk about the best part of this episode and the best part of this entire season. MICHELLE. Where do I even begin? A few of the girls are understandably pissed off about the things Michelle said about them and they confront her. Jackie (who's clearly making one last ditch effort to be the next Bachelorette) tells Michelle she's a spider. Michelle starts balling. Seriously? She said a lot of awful things about the girls and someone calls her a spider and she has a mental breakdown? Oh, come on!

Michelle(and the girls who defend her) keep saying that she's just funny and sarcastic and that the things she said were misinterpreted. Yes, bitch was funny. And bitch was sarcastic. But bitch was also bat shit crazy!

SO. Chris Harrison brings Michelle on stage and the girl cannot stop crying. This annoys me. I mean, isn't it obvious that she's trying to win some sympathy points? The worst part is, Harrison is on her like white on rice. He's consoling her, telling the other girls to shut the fuck up, telling Michelle how amazing and entertaining she is, blah blah blah. Begging her to let him stick his penis inside her golden vagina. Ugh. If anyone wants to buy me a Daylight Savings present, I'd like a Chris Harrison voodoo doll please.

Michelle keeps saying she was on the show for the right reasons, that she left her daughter to be there which is why she was so aggressive, and that all she wanted was a husband...

We now interrupt this blog post to say, once and for all, there is NO right reason to go on The Bachelor.

Moving on. Here are a few things that confused me during this whole Michelle sequence.
(A) Michelle's outfit. (B) Stacie, who's all kinds of trashy, keeps harping on Michelle for being a bad mom and leaving her daughter to go on the show--- which, don't get me wrong--- she is---- But then so is Emily! I was so annoyed that no one mentioned that Barbie did the exact same thing. (C) All the girls pretend like they are so shocked by the things Michelle said on the show, because they were all besties, but didn't it always seem like they hated her? (D) Michelle says Emily was her best friend in the house. For reals? When did these two even speak to each other? (E) Britt says Michelle got a bad rap because she was so pretty. Oh baby Jesus. I'm so sick of the whole "she's so beautiful and misunderstood" excuse. She's not that hot and she's a single mom. Double gross. (Before you get mad about that comment, keep in mind that I am gorgeous and really sarcastic.)

Anyway. What did you guys think? Did you feel bad for Michelle or did you think it was just another ploy to up her chances at being the next Bachelorette?

Then, Harrison interviews the reject Ashley that got dumped in Vegas. Ashley looks like she's wearing clown make up--- the only thing missing from that face is a drawn on tear drop. Ash says that it really hurt her when Brad said she'd make a great wife someday, but not for him--- because the thing she most strives for in life is to be a good wife and mother. Now, I feel guilty, cause being a good "wife" is like #27 on the list of things that matter to me. Sigh. I wish someone would beat the pathetic out of this girl.

Then, we have to sit through an interview with Chris and some hooker I've never seen. Oh, shit. That's not a hooker, that's Ashley H. She goes on and on about how sad she was about Brad dumping her and how she's learned her lesson and taken blow job classes, but I'm not buying it. This girl was never that into Brad. Which is why Chris Harrison practically rings her neck and shakes her and says "you were in love with him. ADMIT IT." So, she lies and says she was.

Brad finally comes out to confront the ladies. He's got a skip in his step and says his significant other warned him he could only be marginally happy about seeing the other women. (hmmm...that sounds like something Chantal would say.) Brad apologizes to Vegas Ashley and she begs him to explain why he didn't think she'd make a good wife. WOW. Like I said earlier: zero self awareness.

Brad makes me mad when he says he'll defend Michelle forever, because she's hot and confident, which is "sexy as hell." (Note to self: when the bf comes home, walk around naked all night and say "I am so confident" over and over and over again 'til he crumbles at my feet.)

Brad and Ashley H have a moment and he tells her she looks great. And she does. If great means a porn star that takes it up the butt. When I look at Ashley, all I see is yet another girl desperate to be the next Bachelorette.

Okay. Random taped piece of Chris Harrison and Brad dancing with poor African children. Hold on, I see five kids I want to adopt. Need to call my lawyer...

...Okay, I'm back and I have five African kids now and a reality TV offer. Sweet!

Back to the recap. Brad goes on and on about how in love he is. From what he's saying and the tone of his voice, I suspect he's talking about Emily. She's demure and quiet and probably thinks it's inappropriate to ever get mad at a man. She's perfect.

Then, something crazy happens in this episode. We get to watch a little bloopers reel and I'm STUNNED, because Brad Womack actually has a personality!!!!! No, seriously. He's goofy and kind of witty and makes a couple funny jokes. Who is this Brad Womack? I like this Brad Womack. I'm falling in love with this Brad Womack. I want to be a good wife to this Brad Womack. GIVE ME THAT ROSE.

The show ends with a recap of Brad's romance with Chantal and Emily and a sneak peek at next week's episode. I'm still rooting for Chantal, but my money's on Emily. The suspense is seriously killing me! How will the most controversial season of The Bachelor end? I hope someone dies. And by someone, I mean Chris Harrison.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

SVB: A Bachelor's Dream Girl Criteria...

I've got a feeling that this is the year that I go from being the Silicon Valley Bachelor to the Silicon Valley Boyfriend! The great part is that the initials stay the same! S-V-B! Which is a major relief, because I only stopped writing my name on my hand last year. Sorry, Kelly Bundy, looks like it's just you now. (And, no, your name isn't the new Allante...) I don't know what it is, but the time just feels right. I haven't had a girlfriend since 2005 and I've traveled to maybe 30 countries as a swinging, singing, bachelor in that timespan. I mean, how many more oats do I have left to sow?!?!? I'm 32, unemployed, with zero assets to my name. I am a hot commodity right now!!!

I also can't say that I have let any girls slip through my fingers that I regret (... maybe one - but she deserved better). I have been largely a very, VERY picky guy. This may stem from the fact that my Mother used to make fun of ugly people. Truth. It was funny, but that kind of thing sticks with you when you're an impressionable four year old.

Here is my criteria, that I have thus far been unable to find in 32 years (and I tried REALLY hard from zero to seven years old), for what I look for in a natural woman (Aretha Franklin shout-out):

1. A REAL J-O-B. It sounds simple, but somehow the SVB manages to attract illegal immigrants from Poland, strippers who were abandoned by their fathers at very young ages, and many other charity cases, like Adam Sandler attracts Rob Schneider come movie time. (Rob: Hey Buddy, I heard you were making a movie.....) I don't need a woman who makes an exorbitant amount of money, but I'd like her to have something steady - because Lord knows, I don't plan on working! I just want to be the trophy husband who doesn't mettle in conversations when her friends are over. I will smile politely when directly addressed and defer all answers to my spouse.

2. EXCELLENT GENETICS. I've already told you that my Mom made fun of ugly people growing up. I'm 6'1, 175, and I'd like to marry someone pretty. Since I never made it in professional sports, I wouldn't mind a 5'10, 130, 32-24-32, gal who excelled in all varsity sports. This will give my child an excellent chance at having a father who will be in the picture. I'll be much more likely to drink my whiskey-filled flask at sporting events, while yelling obscenities at the refs, coaches, and other parents, if my child doesn't embarrass me with a strikeout. If they falter in sports, I will send the child to live with the in-laws. My female companion can also be of a shorter stature, as long as they don't get fat on me after shooting out a couple of stud soccer players.

3. MISS INDEPENDENT. I want a girl who "wants me, but don't need me." My boy, Neyo, said that. I'd also like her to pay the bills and say, "I got it, I got it. No doubt." As an independent woman, I want her to have lots of friends and a freakin awesome family. A family that makes a feast on random weekends and everyone sits around drinking beer and making fun of each other. That would be sweet, because my family doesn't do that. We make fun of each other minus the beer. Sucks. So, I'm thinking she has to be Latin, Vietnamese, or come from a blue-collar family. On top of that, when we're at clubs - I want her to be able to dance with her friends and we can come together if we want to on the dance floor or back in the bedroom. I don't want us to be joined at the hip all night when going out. "Mmm, she gon' steal my heart, ain't no doubt about it...."

4. A COOK. For some reason, I don't attract women who cook for me. They're always busy dancing on tables or doing keg stands, therefore forcing me to shell out $6 to $7 for all of her meals. I mean, I'm not MADE of money! That's not even counting the gas money it takes to drive to Taco Bell or Wendy's.... For once, I'd like a gal to say, "you know what? I will skip my turn on the mechanical bull and whip you up one of those ham and cheese sandwiches you're always eating..." I would straight up get down on one knee at that point - and sing Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" - you know, something classy.

5. A BORDERLINE SEXUAL DEVIANT. I get bored kind of easily. Communication, openness, and variety can cure that. I want to make you feel sexy and I want you to make me feel the same. Be comfortable in your own skin, because my Mom won't be around to judge you in your nakedness. She will at some point, but not initially. And I don't have to have sex all the time, only 3-4 times... a day. There are limits here. I don't want someone who I feel like has done everything in her life. You gotta make it feel like you're introducing ideas for the first time ever. I would freak if some girl started making me call her slutty names and pulls out a strap-on from her nightstand. You've got to wait until the second date for things like that....

6. ABILITY TO LEARN NEW TRICKS. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with #5, but it has a lot of implications on the everyday relationship. I want a girl who has an open mind and wants to try new things. This comes in the form of wanting to travel to an exotic beach locale, as well as learn about the local indigenous tribes and the way they live. It also comes in the form of going to see a neighboring high school musical one day, cocktails and a museum another, beers and a football game another, and a cocaine-binged stripper fest with Charlie Sheen on then another. We can still watch TV shows here and there, but I would prefer that we don't become beholden to a schedule to catch them. And those TV shows have to begin with NBA, NFL, Dexter, Mad Men, Family Guy, Entourage, Californication, and Glee.

Well, there you have it. A female's guide to winning the guy of her dreams. ME!!!! So study it, memorize it, practice it, and don't show me your true side until after I have given you that ring that my two months salary buys.

Read more about Kevin's exploits on his blog, Silicon Valley Bachelor

Monday, March 7, 2011

the BLOW OFF poetry slam

Lunch hour poetry time! Check out the below video to hear Joyce Lee's amazing poem "Mad Love". She's kind of my new hero. Thanks to one of our readers for sending this our way!

BLOW OFF mythbuster #2: Girls really can have casual sex.

We can't. At least not for an extended period of time. I know my fellow ladies are going to be pissed off at me for saying this and may argue the opposite, but I don't know any girl (including myself) that's truly handled the casual sex thing well. UNLESS...

*We're not at all attracted to the guy. Maybe it's his man boobs or his dbag personality or he's way too old or way too young, but deep down we just know that this guy is not someone we'd ever introduce to our friends or parents. Strangely enough, ugly dudes are sometimes the best lays. We know we're hotter than them and that makes us way less self conscious.

*We know we'll never see you again. Cause like we're on vacation and you look good all sun kissed and sitting at that swim up bar. But we're not living in a fantasy world. There's no sex that's good enough for a long distance relationship with a guy that lives in Tulsa.

*We're lesbians and after having way too much to drink we decided to give cock a try again.

*We just met another guy we like way better than you and we're moving on to them. When you get all sad and doe eyed about it, we shrug and say "I thought we were just keeping things casual."

*We're a fictional television character named Samantha.

So. If you're hot and funny, we'll eventually want more. If you live in close proximity, we'll want to go on dates. If you find someone you want to get serious with before we do, we'll get our feelings hurt.

But here's another freebie myth-buster for you. This does not mean you shouldn't have sex with us, even if you know you're not all that interested in anything beyond casual humping. The only thing worse than a relationship gone awry is one that goes awry without anyone getting boned in the process. Total time-waster.

Friday, March 4, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: the power of good bye by Madonna

Oh. The melodrama.

"There's nothing left to try. There's no place left to hide. There's no greater power than the power of good bye."

-Madonna, 1998

Thursday, March 3, 2011

the bad teacher BLOW OFF

Let's talk teachers. Even though those bitches get summers off and have love affairs with seventeen year old boys who kill their husbands, I'm pretty amazed by all their hard work (some of them are personal friends). I know that if I even attempted their jobs for one day, I would drown in a puddle of my own saliva after having three seizures in a row, while a group of second graders took pictures of me with their camera phones. That said, I'm still a little weirded out that people my age are teachers. Why? Because it makes me feel old. I mean, it wasn't all that long ago that I was tossing and turning from insomnia the night before a new school year...wondering if I'd picked the right first impression outfit (Note to my seventh grade self. The beige plaid blazer with the matching beige plaid headband from Gap Kids is not a good look for the first day of junior high. Shop at Wet Seal. Trust.)

So, now that we're the same age as some of our old teachers, it got me reflecting. I had some good teachers in my lifetime. Some bad ones. Some boring ones. Some mean ones. But no one quite made an impact like Mr. K, my sixth grade teacher. He was BAT SHIT CRAZY.

Mr. K was 30 when he taught sixth grade, which makes him the same age as I am now. I was eleven then and I had everything going for me. Class President. Plaid was still in style. Zits hadn't taken over my whole face yet. I had a crush on a boy that would eventually seal our love with an ID bracelet. I was as confident as Angelina Jolie. Yes, it was the year I peaked. I also was in the "cool" sixth grade class with the "cooler" teacher.

Mr. K was funny. He got my sarcasm. He wore a button down with jeans and a tie everyday. Three guys in our class dressed up like him for Halloween. He had a cute girlfriend named Denise that may or may not have been his beard. He had a cute roommate named Phil that may or may not have been his boyfriend. He taught me things. Like that Fried Green Tomatoes was about lesbians and not about besties.

He taught us about Egypt and bought us dolls to mummify in class. He took us on an archaeological dig. Everyday after lunch, he made us watch a slide show of ourselves set to the song "One Moment in Time" by the late great Whitney Houston. (I know she's not dead, but part of her died a long time ago.) We played an epic April Fool's joke on him when we convinced the principal to tell him he was fired. She revealed it was an April Fool's joke on the loud speaker. I cried on the last day of school, because I was going to miss Mr. K so much. I even went back occasionally to visit him when I was in junior high. And then, he abruptly left the school and we heard he was fired. We never knew why and no one ever heard from him since. It was the mystery BLOW OFF.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized there were some things about Mr. K that were a little off. Every time I would see friends from grade school we'd commiserate about it. Like the time he told us he had a dream we were all at summer camp and that he and I were dating and were trying to sneak away the whole time (presumably so we could make out? I was eleven!) Or the time he told us he and Phil used a hot tub that had such high levels of chlorine in it that it burned their scrotums. (I was like "what's a scrotum?") or the time he told us some really intense story about his girlfriend attacking him, because she thought he was cheating on her. We were on pins and needles when he got all choked up and said after their fight he got a call from the hospital about Denise...but before he finished, he left the classroom and walked around in the yard for what seemed like hours while we all panicked inside. Was Denise dead? Did she kill herself? Isn't this too much for eleven year old's to process? He finally came back and revealed that what we just witnessed was a plot device known as a "cliffhanger" which was part of our lesson plan for that day. The whole story was made up. Um, if I wanted to know what a cliffhanger was, I'd just watch a soap opera on a Friday.

Anyway. We always wondered what happened to Mr. K and while he was a borderline weirdo, he did teach us a lot (to this day, the song One Moment in Time gives me chills). For awhile there was a sad rumor going around that he died of AIDS. But last year, someone uncovered this article off the internet and circulated it to a bunch of us, and we all agreed it had to be the same Mr. K. After all, the names were exact. He drove a motorcycle. He was a teacher in California. He was bat shit crazy. Check out the link to see what potentially became of teach...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9 recap

Cue the Lion King music. In this week's episode, Brad and his three girlfriends go to South Africa to explore their relationships. This is the fantasy suite episode (my fave!) where all the girls get an overnight date with Brad--- which means--- she who gives the best head gets a rose.

The episode starts with more mindless footage of Brad packing his suitcase and no joke, standing on his balcony, again! Brad says he's scared, has trust issues, blah blah blah. Nobody cares.

Yet another recap of all three women that are left. Ashley. Chantal. Emily. FAST FORWARD. I just got back two minutes of my life.

The footage in South Africa is actually kind of cool. These people are so effing lucky to get to travel the world while on the world's douchiest reality show. Where do I sign up? I could do audio commentary for every episode!

Brad's first date is with Chantal. Which means she'll get a clean peen instead of one polluted by the two other girl's vaginas. I still heart Chantal, but her denim shorts are way too The Gap cirqa 1994. Brad and Chantal go on a safari. I have to say, they're really cute together. And they seem kind of giddy. This is a good sign. I can't believe the Jeep stops at a pack of lions and Brad doesn't get his face ripped off. Clearly, these animals are not as good at spotting a predator as I thought they were.

With the exception for my love of pugs, I'm not really an animal person. I'd be into the safari for like five minutes and then I'd start flipping through my Us Weekly. I've seen this shit. At Disneyland's Animal Kingdom.

Chantal takes her fear of hippos and rhinos and uses it as a metaphor for her relationship with Brad. It's official. These two are meant to be together. Brad says he misses Chantal's family. Um. Can we say bromance between Brad and Chantal's dad. That would be the most shocking finale in Bachelor history. Brad runs off with her papa!

I like that Chantal's not a stick and has meat on her bones, but I want to give her a wardrobe makeover. This weird tie-dyed Forever 21 dress has got to go. And it's actually the cutest thing she's worn all season. Brad tells Chantal he's the most comfortable around her. This is the first time where he actually seems super into her. Team Chantal!

Why does Chris Harrison have to be the one to invite them to have sex in the fantasy suite. It's so creepy. Chantal is all about it though. Uh, their fantasy suite is a tree house?! Oh hell no. You know Chantal is thinking that the things she wants to do with Brad cannot be done in a tree house! Plus, they're totally going to get bug bites.

Enough with the monkey and elephant shots. We get it. There's animals in Africa. hahaha. JK.
I heart animals. Animal rights! Vegans!

Emily and Brad time. Em's wearing a super cute safari outfit with cowboy boots. She needs to give Chantal some fashion tips. Stat. But her make up. She's so orange she looks like a basketball.

Bremily get on top of an elephant which is apparently Em's dream. Hmmm. If I was her, my dream would be getting my dead fiance back, but whatevs. I like how Emily says "ah" instead of "I." People with accents are weird. She kind of sounds like a girl Forrest Gump, which makes her perfect for Womack! Brad says he misses Emily's daughter. Lie. She asks him if he's ready for a five year old. He says yes and they make out. Another lie. Elephants start screaming in horror and the music swells to beyond cheesy levels.

The sun goes down. It's the nighttime portion of Brad and Emily's date. Em's wearing another cute outfit, if they were going clubbing on the Sunset Strip. I don't know. Brad's really awkward around her. A marriage between these two would never work, even if they both have some Gump in them. Emily is Bachelorette gold and that's why she's made it this far. Ugh. I get a little queasy when Brad starts rubbing Emily's hand. I feel like she's being molested.

Another card from Chris Harrison. I hope they made the bastard actually write the cards himself, because he has nothing else to do! Brad is really hoping Em says yes to the fantasy suite, so he can touch her boobies. Emily says that she's a mom and wants to set a good example for her daughter, but goes with him to the fantasy suite anyway. They get a super cozy pimped out suite that's not in a tree. Emily tells Brad that she's falling in love with him. OMG. He tells Emily that he's falling in love with her too. HOLD UP. He has not said that to anyone else on the show yet. This is a GAME CHANGER.

That said, I just don't understand how Emily could be in love with this guy after the epic romance she had with Ricky. Really? Its taken her six years and all she needed was going on a tacky reality show and competing against 24 other women for the affection of Womack? She's obviously not very intelligent.

Brashley time. I've decided to count how many time Ashley says "like" in this episode. Current "like" count: 3.

Brad says he has a few concerns about where Ashley is in her life. He takes her through the woods and once again I'm sorely disappointed when he doesn't murder her. They arrive at a clearing where there's a...HELICOPTER! What? Yes. A helicopter. Ashley squeals and runs away. Current "like" count: 6. Helicopters are apparently the thing she's most afraid of. Brad tells her not to worry, he's been in about 500 helicopters just over the course of this season. Current "like" count: 10.

Ashley totally spazzes out on the helicopter. A small but important reminder that she is one of the most annoying people in the entire world. Wow. South Africa is gorge! Current "like" count: 13.

The helicopter lands at a place called God's Window. I f only God would push Ashley out of it. They have a picnic and Brad makes a toast to her family, which is sweet. Oh, Brad. Such a gentleman. Brad asks Ashley where she wants to live and she says Maine which is dumb, because everyone knows Brad wants to stay in Austin. I think Kayoko was right, this girl is not into him. Current "like: count: 28. Brad tries to nicely tell Ashley that he doesn't want a career woman. Ashley, no joke, says "oh, man. You're making me think."

Okay. If I run into Michelle in a dark alley and we get into a sexy cat fight and she knocks out all my teeth: I repeat, I do not want Ashley to be my dentist. I'll probably wake up with veneers on my vagina.

Ash says her conversation with Brad was a huge wake up call. I'm confused. If she's so focused on school why did she come on this show? And why haven't they talked about this shit already? and are they still going to bone??

Dinner time. Brad and Ashley have another state of the union address. Ashley knows she shot herself in the foot and tries to convince Brad that she wants his babies. Brad tells Ashley that when he asked her where she wanted to live, she never mentioned Austin. Ashley said "well, I've never been there!" Omg, she's dumber than I thought. Actually, she's not dumb. Of course she shouldn't just agree to move somewhere, because of a man she's had three dates with. She's sane and rational and that's why she does not belong on this show. Current "like" count: 50.

Brad gets all confused. Ashley has no idea what she wants. She tells Brad he just needs to have faith in her. Brad says they can't build a future on a date they had at a carnival. DUH! Wait, is he gonna dump her right here and send her off on an elephant? Do it! (Current "like" count: 61). Ashley tells Brad she feels LIKE he LIKE just wants to LIKE look for something that LIKE fits what he wants. Um. First off, isn't that what everyone is sort of looking for in a significant other? A good fit? Brad reminds Ashley that he's the guy that proposed to no one in his first season on The Bachelor. Brad gets frustrated again. Are they boning or not??

This has me wondering how Ashley made it this far. And how I was so wrong to think she would get the final rose. Brad wants to stick it in her anyway and gives her the fantasy date card from Chris Harrison. Ashley says "there's a key?!" NO SHIT. Has she never watched this show before? She accepts the invitation and says "let's like hump."

Dude, Chantal got the shaft with her tree house. They're in another pimped out suite. But it's really awkward. I want the cameras to go away now. Brad is upset that they are having a serious communication breakdown.

Next day. Brad gets dressed for the rose ceremony. He's overwhelmed. Brad has a totally unnecessary conversation with Chris Harrison which I'm convinced was actually shot in Los Angeles, cause there ain't no way Harrison came all the way to South Africa. When these two talk all I hear is the sounds that the grown ups on Charlie Brown make. Whatever happened to Brad's therapist? He and Ashley could have used a little couple's counseling.

I love how the cheesy framed pictures still make appearances. Like we're going to forget who's left on the show?

OMG. Brad wants to have yet another conversation with Ashley pre-rose ceremony? Haven't we been through enough? Make it stop, make it stop! Brad takes Ashley away and Emily and Chantal stand around all confused. Brad says their date didn't go well at all (AKA he couldn't get it up.) He's completely shocked that their relationship has gone in a different direction. Ash starts to cry and says like again. Brad says he doesn't know if he fits into her life. Ashley should just dump him. Brad says that he needs to tell her good bye and doesn't want her to sit through a rose ceremony. Ashley says she's not going to ask him to change his mind and that this is so surprising to her. Uh, she should have seen the writing on the wall when he couldn't get hard and had to go to the bathroom to whack off. Ashley gets in the jeep and cries and uses words like magical and sad. (Final "like: count: 75. And I had to watch her last interview on Hulu to for accuracy, because my TV got an emergency alert over it.)

Brad can't believe Ashley won't be meeting his family. Chris Harrison is psyched, because his work is done and he doesn't have to be there for the rose ceremony. Further proof that he was never in South Africa to begin with!

Brad comes back and tells Chantal and Emily that he said good bye to Ashley, because he has too much respect for her to blow her off at a rose ceremony. Brad gives Chantal and Em their roses and they run off to shoot a live action version of Betty & Veronica. Brad plays Jughead.

So, who do we think will get the final rose? I'm thinking Emily after the "I'm falling in love with you" comment, but he won't give her an engagement ring...and will say some BS line about wanting to take things slow.

Agree or disagree? Vote below!