Tuesday, May 31, 2011

pop CULTURE BLOW OFF of the day: Julie Taylor's a slut!

If you've read this blog more than once, you are probably pretty familiar with my undying devotion and love for the show Friday Night Lights. The show already aired its final episode on Direct TV, but for people like me who are watching on NBC, we're only about halfway through the last season.

One of my favorite storylines from this season is the fall out of the affair between Julie (Coach Taylor's daughter) and her college TA. I know, I know...the whole student/teacher love affair is totally played out, but what's brilliant about Friday Night Lights is that they make it feel new again. The writing is so sharp that it disguises every cliche.

Below is one of my favorite scenes from this season. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night randomly screaming "Julie Taylor is a slut!" Basically, Julie finally gets confronted by her lovah's wife. It's crazy hot. I am so glad I never slept with any of my professors in college. The hottest film professor at my school had a girlfriend who was...also a my professor, so that could have gotten ugly fast.

Monday, May 30, 2011

the memorial day BLOW OFF

I know it's Memorial Day and we're supposed to commemorate the men and women that died in military service (which just makes this holiday an extra depressing version of Veteran's Day), but here at the BLOW OFF, we'd like to take a little time to remember the men and women that totally fucked us over. Or the men and women we fucked over.

R.I.H., exes. (Rest in Hell)

Every so often it's good to reflect on old relationships to remind ourselves why we're lucky we're no longer dating a psycho bitch or a self-involved asshole. Here are some of our favorite BLOW OFF memories we'd like to look back on this national holiday.

*The guy who stands you up on your birthday. Click here to read YoFranny's tale about the loser that never showed up to her 30th birthday dinner. Note to the world: can you wait a day to break up with someone and spare them on their bday?

*The girl who always blows off the nice guy. Click here to read Single Asian Female's confessions about always ditching the good guys for the bad guys. We're pretty sure a few men out there are still nursing broken hearts from the rejection.

*The guy who won't go to prom with you. Click here to read my pathetic tale about getting the guts to ask my high school crush to the Junior Prom, only to have him use money as an excuse to say no.

*The guy you don't even really like who blows you off. Click here to read Ross's hilarious account of dating dudes he wasn't even into in the first place. And getting BLOWN OFF by them.

*And even worse, the girl you really really like who blows you off. Click here to read O's heartbreaking tale of losing out on a potential relationship that could have been his best yet. We're willing to bet the girl is still kicking herself.

*Nothing stings more than the first BLOW OFF. Click here to read St. Clare's story of the high school boy that broke her heart when he ended up having a girlfriend. If it wasn't for the fact that we grew up in different states, I would seriously suspect that he was the same guy that ditched me at junior prom.

Oh, exes...if only we could forget all about you. Except then, this blog wouldn't exist, so I guess you're all good for something.

We highly recommend you play this Sarah McLachlan tune, while reading all these posts. It'll make them a lot funnier.

Friday, May 27, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: What the Hell by Avril Lavigne

All my life I've been good,
But now...
I'm thinking, "what the hell?"
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about...
If you love me
If you hate me
You can't save me

-Avril Lavigne, 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: Goys

function: noun
Origin: I made it up, duh! And no, it has nothing to do with the Hebrew term for non-jews.
Definition: Girls who lacks female friends and get along better with boys. Thus, the hybrid term "goys".
(Sarah's a proud goy who has way more fun hanging out with dudes. And no, she's not a butch lesbian.)

If there was a goy pride parade, I'd BLOW it OFF. I just don't have a soft spot for women who "prefer" to hang out with dudes. Usually, women who have no female friends love to assert that it's because other women are jealous of them. I'm here to put a stop to that line of thinking. It's just not true. You don't get along with women, because you're a stuck up bitch. Don't believe me? Well, only stuck up bitches actually think people are jealous of them.

I get it. Girls can be catty and they love to gossip and talk about boys and eat chocolate and maybe these are just not things you're into. Maybe men judge you less and make you feel good about yourself and women don't. But I hate to break it to you...the dudes you're hanging out with might think you're effing annoying too, they're just better at hiding it.

In all seriousness, I feel bad for goys cause at the end of the day, they're missing out. Girlfriends are the best. Yeah, they can be annoying and judgmental and hold you accountable for being a brat, but they also smell nice and buy the best birthday presents and loan you clothes. In the words of Madeline Albright: "there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." (and here's hoping that special place has no men in it.)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: season premiere

I'd like to start this post by saying that I can't believe I even thought for a second I should not watch The Bachelorette. I fooled myself into thinking I was finally too evolved for bad reality TV, but I'm not. And if loving the Bachelorette is wrong, well then I don't want to be right.

Plus, I think we can all agree that last night's episode was nothing short of a masterpiece.

Where does one even start? The show kicks off with a recap of Ashley and Brad's tragic romance. Ashley supposedly had her heart broken by Brad. According to ABC, their relationship fell apart, because Ashley couldn't bring herself to tell Brad that she loved him. That's their version of things and then there's the truth: Ashley was not into Brad and was gunning to be the next Bachelorette. I especially LOVE in the flashbacks that Ashley is trying so hard to cry in the car when Brad dumps her. I can just hear her interior monologue...

Ashley's interior monologue: Cry bitch! The more brokenhearted you are, the better your chances of being The Bachelorette. Now ball your eyes out like your whole family just died in a car accident!

Then we have the obligatory shots of Ashley being pensive while...jogging, strolling down the street, and dancing in an empty auditorium. Oh, yeah. Cause Ashley's supposed to be a dancer...kind of like how Natalie Portman was supposed to be one.

This is where I start asking myself if Ashley is going to get paid after every date, because girlfriend looks like a straight up hooker with her new make over. I would do anything to have her recite lines from Pretty Woman all through this season or do the Arsenio Hall barking thing every time she goes on a one on one date.

We already get a preview of the rest of the season which pretty much looks like shots from every other season of The Bachelor franchise. There's some guy named Bentley's who is pretending to love Ashley when he really wants to stick it in Emily. Then there's the most amazing shot of a rose...wait for it...on fire. What does this mean?! Is Ashley a firestarter?!

Awwwww. The Bachelor mansion. How I've missed you. And now for my arch nemesis: Chris Harrison. The laziest man in show business comes out and gives a little speech that poses the question we've all been asking since last season...why didn't Ashley trust her feelings more?

Side note...do you think Ashley paid some guy to fall in love with Chantal to secure her spot as the next Bachelorette? That would be so hot.

Okay. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Time to meet the dudes!! Suddenly, I feel like a lonely and desperate housewife who hasn't been touched by my husband in decades, because I find the majority of these guys extremely attractive. Am I crazy or is this quite possibly the hottest batch of Bachelorette men??

Let's start with Ryan. He has his own solar paneling company, so he's rich and likes the earth. He kind of resembles Scott Speedman...but he just made that Taylor Swift heart emblem with his hands. Oh, no. I knew it. Ryan is gay gay gay. He does deserve to find love...with Anderson Cooper.

Then there's JP. Yet another hottie with a slight closeted gay vibe. But I think maybe he's just one of those straight guys that's let a guy or two lick his penis. He's an early favorite.

I can't decide if Ames is cute, because I'm too distracted by the tiny butt on his chin. It looks like a vajayjay post brazilian wax. I'm also getting a bit of a robot/Patrick Bateman vibe from Ames. Like he'd probably need both hands to count the times he's committed date rape.

Next is boring white guy #4. Ben from New Orleans. Why do all these guys seem gay? Is it cause of their desperate search for love that no healthy heterosexual male in his twenties would ever be able to relate to?

Ben F, the winemaker is walking a fine line between hot and ugly. One second he looks totally doable and the next second he looks like the girl/boy from Sleepaway Camp. I can get with the whole "I live in Sonoma and make wine" thing though. (However, later...it turns out he lives in San Diego and does internet stuff and does the wine thing in Sonoma. This reminds me of when we found out Ashley wasn't a dentist, but a STUDENT in dental school.)

Why is this guy named Bentley? And what happened to his neck? And why does his daughter Cozy look exactly like Little Ricki (Emily's daughter)? Cause ABC just keeps using the same prop kid every time. Bentley says that he hopes The Bachelorette is Emily. I'm confused. When did this shit start filming? If it was before The Bachelor wrapped then...wouldn't it have leaked that Ashley was The Bachelorette earlier on? And if it filmed after, don't these guys know Brad picked Emily? Or do they just start filming the guys before they even know who the Bachelorette is going to be? OMG, why am I even thinking about this and admitting to thinking about it by including it in this post???

Ok. Anthony the butcher is my new boyfriend. I don't know what it is, but I love everything about him. He totally looks like someone that Samantha would get it on with in Sex and the City. I want to set him up with Shawntelle (the mortician) from last season.

And now for the obligatory contestant who has a dead spouse. West. He is super cute and this story about his wife dying in the bathtub after having a seizure is devastating. Except...now, I'm wondering how many times we'll end up hearing this story this season. Plus...personally, I think West totally killed his wife. Think about it. Think about it.

I'm also kind of in love with William. He's the guy from Ohio with great dimples and a really problematic umbrella. I love a man that can make fun of himself. Wait, are those man boobs I spy in the mirror? Hmmmm. Also, raise your hand if you believe that William's watch really stopped when his alcoholic dad died? And I bet every time there's a rainbow it means his dad is watching over him. I liked William the first time, when he was named Chris L.

Where are the black men? The Asians? The Latinos? They should make everyone on this show join the Klan. Minorities deserve love too!!!

I took a power nap during Ashley's conversation with Chris Harrison, but I'm guessing they talked about Ashley's trust issues, how she missed an opportunity with Brad, and how she hopes all the guys are there for the right reasons.

Just as I wake up from my nap, Ashley mentions that a friend of Bentley's ex-wife warned her that he's not here for the right reasons and he just wants to promote his business (and stick it in Emily's butthole!) WHAT? Someone is on The Bachelorette to get famous and to not find love? I don't believe it. I won't believe it.

Here are the highlights from the guys as they get out of the limo:
*This guy Tim is so nervous he's speechless. awww. cute. Ugh, I'm such a sucker.
*Ben from New Orleans speaks French to Ashley and she pretends she understands what the fuck he's saying.
*Some guy tries to rap and basically loses his chances of getting a rose.
*West gives Ashley a compass that's stopped on "West." This is all kinds of romantic if it wasn't exactly the kind of present someone gives you before they murder you.
*I'm so into the butcher. Can anyone explain why I find him so irresistible?
*The guy with the mask is my new hero. But if he really wanted to prove a point, he should have worn a paper bag over his head. Unless he has a penis where his nose should be, you can pretty much tell he's halfway decent looking.
*Nevermind, Ashley and ABC aren't racists. There are two Canadians on the show. (Spoiler alert: Neither of them get roses)
*You can tell JP is going to last awhile, because they play super cheesy soft music when he gets out of the limo. I'm calling it now, Ash gives him the first impression rose.
*A guy recites a poem for Ashley, but apparently he doesn't know that the words "catch" and "stretch" DO NOT RHYME.
*Some guy ties a string of floss around Ashley's finger (oh yeah, because she's an aspiring dentist.) It's actually sort of sweet and memorable. It might be my favorite move.
*Ashley gets all weak in the knees when she sees Bentley...proving to the world that women are fucking idiots.

The weirdest thing about the season so far is that these guys all seem like legitimate fans of The Bachelor. Most of them know who Ashley is and watched the show. One guy even calls his mom and she goes all fan girl on Ashley and tells her to use protection in the fantasy suites (to which Ashley gives her signature response: "that's awesome.")

Side note, I love how Ashley pronounces "perfect" like it's spelled "perfeckt".

My least favorite part of Bachelorette/Bachelor premieres is that first night where everyone makes a fool of themselves trying to get quality time with the person they're competing for. It's so desperate and pathetic and it makes me very very uncomfortable.

Ben from New Orleans apparently slipped out at some point and went to Office Depot, because he's gets Ashley's attention by writing her notes on poster board (um, you're not creative, we've all seen Love, Actually)

I love that Jeff in the mask has chosen The Bachelorette as a venue for a social experiment. And this Tim guy is way overly freaked out by the mask. Like...what went wrong in his childhood that's got him so disturbed by the whole thing? Did he have to go to a lot of masquerades as a child? Tim is so freaked out that he gets WASTED.

Not just I'm on TV and kind of drunk. He's like not able to form sentences. And then he passes out and snores so loud it almost seems fake. Ashley decides to send him home which is probably her first and last smart decision of the season. Poor Tim. Can't wait to watch him on Intervention.

Ashley and JP have a super deep conversation where she reveals she's always wanted to be called Cupcake. That's so weird, I've always wanted to be called Pootang Pie! From now on, we will give Ashley her wish. She will only be referred to as "cupcake" on this blog.

Cupcake decides to give the first impression rose to Ryan. I think this is a good choice. Even though Ryan is a little too nice and a little too gay, he's super successful. I have no idea why someone like him would decide to go on The Bachelorette, but maybe he's looking for a new beard.

Rose ceremony. As always, there are guys who get roses that I don't think we've seen all episode. Phantom of the Opera gets a rose and he still doesn't take his mask off?! How long is he going to wear that shit?

Hold up. REWIND. Did Ashley really just send the butcher home?!?!?! How could this be happening. It's only the first episode and I'm already crushed. PLEASE PLEASE, if anyone from ABC is reading this, we need him to be the next bachelor. Can we start a Facebook campaign or what?

Lastly, one of the Canadians who gets the boot cries about finding love. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was just making a last ditch effort to get on The Bachelor Pad.

We get to see yet another preview of the upcoming season which gives way too much away. It would be so much cooler if they'd blur out the guys faces so we'd have no idea who sticks around. At some point, Ashley has a meltdown (presumably from learning that Bentley or some other guy wanted Emily to be the Bachelorette...which she says was the thing she was most afraid of.) Ashley! Don't worry. I didn't want Emily to be the Bachelorette. I wanted Chantal. Or Jackie. Or Michelle. Or Brittney. Or Ali Fedotowsky. Or my downstairs neighbor. Or Chris Harrison's wife.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

meeting guys in bars: dos and don'ts

There seems to be this misconception that all a cute girl needs to do to meet a guy is stand on the street and the men will just flock. Not the case. Unless that cute girl is a prostitute. Boys think us ladies have it easy, because we're the ones that get pursued and we never have to make the first move. This is all wrong. Sitting around and waiting to get pursued = a lot of cold and lonely nights.

I don't have the patience for that shit. So, here's my top ten list of dos and don'ts for you ladies who remain convinced you can meet a nice guy in a bar (you can) or for the rest of you who are just in need of the hot beef injection.

10. Don't dress like a cheap whore. And don't dress like you've got a chastity belt underneath your khaki's. Guys like to have their cake and eat it too, so try to find a happy medium between Thai hooker and suburban librarian. If I can see your ass cheek, a portion of your nipple, or your thong underwear, then I'm willing to bet the guy you're going home with is the one in the corner with the Ed Hardy T-shirt on. And that's how Herpes get passed back and forth.

9. Maybe you're going through a dry spell and a guy hasn't approached you in a bar in three years, but try not to wear that kind of heartache on your sleeve by panting when someone with a penis looks in your general direction. Play. It. Cool. A little uppity bitch goes a long way.

8. If you are out with ten of your closest girlfriends, divide and conquer. Boys are pussies and nothing scares them more than large herds of women. If you all stick together, you will most likely get ignored or get hit on by overconfident guys that have a striking resemblance to Farmer Ted in Sixteen Candles. My friends used to get mad at me, because I had this tendency to wander around bars by myself. But a girl standing by herself is like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow for a dude. You will get approached.

7. SMILE. I said a little uppity bitch goes a long way.

6. I know this is a hard one, but tone down the dancing skills. I get that your moves rival Alfonso Ribeiro, but most guys can't dance and the ones that can already have girlfriends and are not in the bar you are hanging out at. I for one never follow this rule (the song Club Can't Handle Me was written for me) but do as I say, not as I do.

5. What are you doing out at that bar with your gorgeous best friend? You might as well wear a T-shirt that says "talk to me second." You should only hang out with pretty girlfriends at places like the movies or in the privacy of your own home. Otherwise, you may be on the losing end of Silicon Valley Bachelor's completely sexist equation.

4. Learn to play pool. Seriously, I'm convinced girls that can work a pool cue get the pick of the litter in bars. I suck at pool, but I used to have this fantasy where I'd stride into a dive bar, hustle every hot hipster boy and take their life savings, then make out with the cutest one on the pool table after closing...preferably to the song Mr. Brightside by the Killers.

3. Leave the gays at home. Sorry. They always say they're the best wing peeps, but they'll just take you to one of their bars and make you dance to Lady Gaga and tell you how cute you are when you get too drunk and say things like "all the good ones are gay."

2. If you're just looking for a hook up, pretend like you're going through a break up. In fact, your friends have taken you out to cheer you up post BLOW OFF. This is a win-win for so many reasons. First, it makes you vulnerable which is basically the "Roofie" we like to slip in boys drinks. Second, it makes you a hot commodity...because you've had a boyfriend which means men find you attractive. Third, it's the perfect excuse after you see the guy in the light of day and can't believe you actually hooked up with him. ("I had fun too, but I just got out of a relationship and I'm not looking for anything serious...")

1. Stop standing around waiting for some dude to come up to you. This is 2011, bitches. Make a motherfucking move. Four out of every five times I've met a guy, I've been the one to talk to him first and that includes the dude I'm marrying. And just because I'm so nice, I'm going to share one of my best pick up lines. I was at a bar for a friend's birthday party. She told me every guy there fit into one of the following categories: he was either gay, had a girlfriend, or had hooked up with her already. I went up to a cute boy and said "Julie tells me every guy here is either gay, has a girlfriend, or has hooked up with her before...which category do you fit in?" His response: none of the above. I guess I got lucky. Anyway, it was on. Til the break of dawn. And then I blew him off a couple months later.

Monday, May 23, 2011

the left at the altar BLOW OFF

If you've ever wondered when the worst time was to BLOW someone OFF, it's not around the holidays or that person's birthday...it's on your wedding day. I thought people only got left at the altar in soap operas and romantic comedies, but apparently it happens in real life too.

One of our loyal readers sent us an article on a bride in China who threw herself out a window after her fiance left her before they got married. All that wedding planning for nothing? Oh, hell no. Mark my words, if I get left at the altar, the only person going out a window is the groom.

I feel really sorry for Li-Wan. But if she's reading this, there are a few things I want her to know.

Li...no man is worth ending your life for. You're only twenty-two. You have a great rack and cute taste in shoes. You should spend the next five years (at least) hooking up with different guys and getting your freak on. Wang Lu is a total pussy for waiting until your wedding day to call it off. Maybe you were a bridezilla and you drove him to it, but the guy really has no excuse. And look at all the people who love you and saved you from falling to your death. The guy holding you in the picture is pretty hot. Hopefully, he's not related to you, because I think he would make an excellent rebound. Now, seriously. Enough with the dramatics. I know planning a wedding can drive any normal person to the brink of insanity, but look on the bright side....it'll be so much easier the second time around now that you know all the great vendors to hire.

Now, when you're feeling a little better send us Wang Lu's address so we can properly open a can of whoop ass on the mothersucker.

Friday, May 20, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: Don't Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John & Kiki Dee

"Don't go breaking my heart. I won't go breaking your heart."
-Elton John with Kiki Dee, 1976

Thursday, May 19, 2011

internet revenge & the BLOW OFF

If I could go back and change one thing about my worst BLOW OFFS, it would be that they happened now instead of five years ago. Think about it. Five years ago, our moms were not on Facebook and no one was tweeting; thus, you couldn't properly embarrass someone for being an asshole. I mean, who wants to go to the trouble of keying someone's car when you can publicly stone them on a social networking site or via an email to all their co-workers?

Here are two of my favorite internet revenge stories to share. The first was brought to my attention yesterday by one of our loyal readers. A friend of hers (let's call her Anna) had just discovered that her boyfriend was cheating on her and let him have it on Twitter. The boyfriend is a dancer on tour with a singer that shall go nameless. Apparently, the girlfriend of a fellow tour dancer broke the news to Anna that her BF was cheating on the road. Anna was understandably upset and ripped the cheater a new one on Twitter and posted pictures of their text conversations (in which he begs for her forgiveness). The guy even had to...wait for it...take down his Twitter page for all of several hours. I really wanted to share Anna's hilarious tweets with you, but it turns out she's decided to be the bigger person and has taken them down from Twitter. Anna, we at the BLOW OFF are proud of you. But guess what? We don't have to be the bigger person. Here's the latest tweet from her Ex that we tracked down (I'd like to add that we do not know Anna and was not asked by her to do this):

I got to hand it to these ladies and any girls/guys out there who have exacted revenge after getting effed over by someone they love. Staying classy and staying quiet is highly overrated. By all means, go ahead and express yourself in a "negative way."

Have any good internet revenge stories? Comment below or email us a theblowoffwtf@gmail.com

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Breaking News: Arnold Schwarzenegger BLOWN OFF to douche bag island.

We have just received word that Arnold Schwarzenegger has been blown off to douche bag island. Why? The motherfucker had a kid with another woman ten years ago and forgot to mention it to his wife and children. What a condom-less wearing cock sucker.

I've suspected for awhile that Ahn-old was a douchey face and figured there was some fucked up reason behind his split with Maria Shriver. Back when I worked at ABC in NY, I got to hang out backstage at The View one day when Arnold was a guest and promoting the latest Terminator installment. The guy had pervy perv written all over him. It's like the only way he knew how to communicate with women was by flirting with them.

Maria Shriver on the other hand is pretty effing awesome. If you've ever heard her speak at California's annual Women's Conference, you'll understand why. And like a lot of other women out there, she gave up her career (as a journalist) to support her husband's career (as the Governor). And how does he return the favor? By revealing that he fathered a child with a member of their household staff over ten years ago. That means the man has a ten year old child he's lied to his entire family about. WTF?!

This kind of BLOW OFF just breaks my heart, especially since I'm the kind of person that gets perversely obsessed with the details. How did she find out? What did she do? How is she coping? Is it too late for her to go on Oprah? It's bad enough for your significant other to be unfaithful, but for them to have a CHILD with another woman is devastating. Not to mention, someone that's worked for you and been in your home for over twenty years. (Note to self: Only hire men to be part of household staff). Apparently, Arnold's teenaged son even changed his last name to Shriver (at least on Twitter). Good for him. It's so much easier to spell.

In all seriousness, this is really sad. And Maria Shriver deserves better. I stand by my original plan for her....everyone knows Arnold wants to change the constitution so he can run for President someday. Well, Maria, beat him to the punch. Run in 2016 and win. You have my vote.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

meeting girls in bars: dos and don'ts.

It's happened. I've finally reached that age where going out to a bar only sounds appealing if that bar is in a nice restaurant and I'm having a glass of wine before getting seated for a yummy meal. This is what happens when you hit your thirties: food trumps booze. But for my younger, cooler, male readers who are still braving the bar scene for pussy (all two of you), I thought I'd give you some words of advice on how to seal the deal with the ladies. I spent a good part of my twenties in bars and I know first hand that most of you suck so bad at flirting, you get BLOWN OFF in thirty seconds or less. But now that those days are finally behind me, I want to help.

10. If we're hanging out with our best friend and we're in deep conversation and we're not paying attention to you...it does not mean that we're lesbians...so please don't ask us if we are as your opening line. My roommate in New York and I got asked this by guys on at least three different occasions--- and yes, maybe I went through a blazer/page boy hat phase (for the record, never worn together) BUT the lesbo angle never made me want to talk to a dude. You know what it did do? Make me wish I liked pussy.

9. Do buy us drinks and then walk away. The thing is, most guys in our generation are cheap bastards, so offering to buy us a drink automatically puts you in the top 5%. And walking away means you don't expect us to hang out with you all night purely because you shelled out the $6 to get us liquored up. Moving aside makes you sexy and intriguing. Come back to find us in forty-five minutes and we will like you.

8. If you go up to talk to a girl and she politely tells you she and her friends are having a girls night: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Girls only have "girls only" nights in the face of annoying guys they are not interested in or attracted to. So, don't embarrass yourself and keep trying.

7. Pick up lines are stupid. Even trying them out in a goofy ironic way is lame. Instead just give the girl a compliment, but try something unconventional...like "I love the way your jeans hug your vagina." Okay, not that-- but maybe throw in an adjective that only gets used in WB shows...like "radiant" or "luminous." Or you can get even more creative. Go up to a girl, flash a five dollar bill, tell her you're about to pick 15 songs on the Juke Box and you need her help. You will then bond over your shared taste in music and/or debate whether Justin Timberlake truly was the best member of N'Sync. (Lance Bass is SO underrated.) Side note, worst pick up line I ever got: "I promise I won't rape you." Full disclosure: I let that boy kiss me.

6. Try perfecting a British accent. Yes, we're that easy.

5. Don't wear button downs. Button downs are boring. Button downs are douchey. Bars filled with boys in button downs are in places like the meat packing district or the Sunset Strip where cool girls just don't hang out. You know what's SO much hotter? T-shirts, flannels, sweaters, cardigans.

4. Learn to play pool. Guys that play pool don't look like they go to bars to pick up on chicks. They look like they go to bars to play pool. This instantly makes them seem aloof and emotionally unavailable which are two characteristics us females can't resist. It's like our motherfuckin' kryptonite.

3. Come armed with a funny story. If you make us laugh in the first three minutes of our conversation, you've just doubled your chances of scoring. If you tell us we have a great laugh afterward, those chances just tripled. If you tell us we're pretty after that, we'll let you cum on us. Omg, that's so dirty, I didn't mean that, I was just trying to push the envelope, cum belongs in condoms.

2. Don't get wasted. Sweaty, drunk, slurring boys breathing down our necks will just give us traumatic flashbacks of our abusive step-fathers or those husbands we've seen on Lifetime movies. And nothing feels less sexy than suddenly relating to Tori Spelling or Meredith Baxter (Birney).

1. Never EVER do the sneak attack bump and grind. There is nothing grosser than a guy that "covertly" dances with you from behind, hoping that you'll be humping him on the dance floor in no time. Boys--- if this move has ever worked on a girl, it's probably because you either A. Roofied her or B. because she's ugly or C. because you Roofied her.

Stay tuned for our Meeting Boys in Bars dos and don'ts for the ladies, to be published next week.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Oops. I'm on a date with my ex-girlfriend's friend.

It's never fun to run into someone that's dumped you. But how bad would it suck to run into them on a date? This is what happened to the loyal reader who generously allowed me to use one of his BLOW OFF stories to help cure my writer's block. For the purposes of this post, we'll call our reader...Jeremy.

Here's how it all went down. Jeremy was dating a girl named Sally for two years. Sally thought they were on the marriage route, but it turned out Jeremy couldn't see them spending the rest of their lives together. They had a cordial break up and tried to move on. Flash-forward to a few months later. Jeremy is out on a blind date with a girl. They 're at the bar having drinks and things are going well until...the girl sees an old friend of hers walk into the room.

"Sally!" the girl screams. Jeremy looks up and realizes it's his ex-girlfriend. Which means he's accidentally out on a date with his ex-girlfriend's friend. Sally comes over and things are understandably awkward as they get "introduced" to each other and are forced to admit they already know one another. After the date ends, Jeremy gets a call from Sally who asks him to come over. Jeremy arrives to find her crying and telling him they either need to get back together or have to stop talking all together. He chooses the latter.

Now, before you feel too bad for Sally...she rebounded quite nicely and married a handsome man (who looks just like Jeremy, for reals. I know this b/c I saw it on her Facebook page.) And "Jeremy"--- well, he's still searching for that special someone.

Friday, May 13, 2011

hollywood, women, and the BLOW OFF

Huge announcement: I have a cause! No, it's not Autism or the dolphins or teen pregnancy (although, yeah, these things are all really important and I'll put them on my to-do list in just a sec.) It's a little foundation I like to call WAFT which stands for "Women are Funny. Trust."

I started The Women are Funny. Trust. Foundation after I read an article on Anna Faris in The New Yorker's April 11th issue entitled Funny Like a Guy. Faris is a comedic genius (yes, genius), but the article claims that the odds are against funny actresses who want a career like Seth Rogen's. Basically, Hollywood is totally BLOWING off us ladies and here's why:

*Men dominate in Hollywood and dudes mostly write for dudes. (Only 17% of producers, directors, and writers in Hollywood are female. Fuck that!) In the article, Judd Appatow is quoted as saying "The reality is, I'm a dude and I understand the dude thing. So, I lean men just the way Spike Lee leans African-American."

*Men rule when it comes to going to the movies and they won't see anything girly. Ever. There's way more of a chance that a girl will agree to see The Expendables with her boyfriend than him agreeing to see Something Borrowed.

*Men just don't get women. They don't understand the female nuances that make a character like Bridget Jones funny. (really? come on dudes. step it up.)

*Women are too vain to be funny. According to Keenan Ivory Wayans, vanity impedes most actress's efforts at humor. (Yo, actresses. Is this for reals true?)

As someone who's trying to make a living as a writer and who was born without a penis (unless it's tucked up somewhere in me, which apparently would do wonders for my career...) this is upsetting news. I want there to be more raunchy funny movies about women. I want to be able to write a movie about a group of girlfriends without feeling like it's a giant waste of time, because no one will ever buy it. The stakes are high: if one female ensemble bombs, it deters studios from the genre completely. How many dude movies fail all the time? I mean, Your Highness was awful and didn't make a lot of money...but I seriously doubt studio heads are going to put a stop to stoner buddy films.

But enough whining. As the founder of Women are Funny. Trust. I'm going to put my money where my mouth is. People with vaginas, I hope you follow my lead. Here's what you can do to help. The Huffington Post says that Kristin Wiig's new movie, Bridesmaids is the most recent shot at a revolution for raunchy female comedies. Basically, this movie needs to be a huge hit or Hollywood will proceed to BLOW us OFF, while continuously referencing Sex and the City 2. I have high hopes for the film. I read the script and thought it was hilarious. Plus, Judd Apataow produced it and Paul Feig directed it and they're...men.

So, take my word for it and tell your BF or hubby you will get all deep throat on him if he goes to see the movie with you. Or save yourself a blow job and get together with all your girlfriends for a movie night. Myself and six of my closest gf's are going to see it tonight. Stand with us in solidarity. After all, women are funny. Trust.

BLOW OFF Song of the day: Somebody's Cryin' by Chris Isaak

"I know somebody and they cry for you, they lie awake at night and dream of you. I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's cryin'."

-Chris Isaak,1995

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

SVB: 3 things a woman should do to avoid a BLOW OFF

I am by no means a relationship guru - my blog has 'bachelor' in the name for a reason. Getting rid of that moniker is easy, but getting rid of it for the right girl - is hard. In my time, I've dated a gal or two and here are 3 lessons learned that may just help you extend that relationship an extra month or two.... or at least until your birthday comes around so that they can buy you a nice expensive gift.

1. Never ask your partner how many people they've slept with: I know this is a common question at some point, but just don't do it. No matter what the number, you will not be happy. "Two!??!?! I guess that was just how you was raised!" - Chris Rock. I've made it a point to refuse to answer that question. Oh they'll ask during pillow talk (because that's when we let down our guard), and make you feel like it makes no difference one way or another, but lo and behold three months later during an argument, "Well, why DON'T YOU GO OFF AND SLEEP WITH another 300 girls!!!" (300 is probably inflated, it's at least a plus or minus ratio of 5)

2. Minimize the baby talk: I know there are many times where you just want to be babied, and us guys are willing to oblige, but utimately, we want to be going out with a woman - not a child. I recommend that you guys don't encourage the behaviour by succumbing to baby voice as well. I admit, I'm guilty as charged and I've paid the price to a floodgate of more whiny baby talk in everyday situations: "You don't wub me anymore?!" Ugghh, I just vomited in my mouth.

3. Never act jealous: This really goes towards both men and women. I've been pretty fortunate recently, but there's been times where I've gone out with girls who really just want to see you jealous (it's like a sign you care... or something like that, I wasn't really paying attention). I think it's always best to convey absolute trust in the ones you're going out with, after all, when else will you find time to play video games and watch sports, than the times she's off hanging with her male friends at the ballet? You should show you care every once in awhile by putting down that Xbox controller, but you just can't handcuff a girl. It just comes off looking petty and sounding bad: "Who's this guy? Does he work out? How much money does he make? Did he ever live with his mom? Errr, not that I did or anything, that would be lame. Anyway, you can't hang out with him anymore unless he's gay." See what I mean?

Well, these are my three gems of wisdom. I couldn't think of anything more - I'm better at losing a girl. That post will be titled: "1001 ways to lose a girl...... on DAY ONE."


Kevin L.

to read more about Kevin's exploits, check out his blog Silicon Valley Bachelor

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

the Barbie BLOW OFF?

What the fuck is this about? When did Barbie and Ken break up and why didn't anyone tell me? I always knew Ken had a thing for Skipper. It was only a matter of time before he acted on it.

Barbie, if you're reading this...you could do so much better. Like a guy that actually has a penis.

Update: apparently, Ken and Barbie have been on again off again since like 2004 and Barbie already took Ken back on Valentine's Day. Somehow I missed all the press releases. I got to her too late. No...I didn't. Barbie, listen to me, it's never too late to find someone new. Dry humping can only take a relationship so far.

the gubernatorial BLOW OFF

People magazine announced early today that Maria Shriver and Ahn-old Schwarzenegger are separated. Their joint statement:

“This has been a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us. After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion, and prayer, we came to this decision together.
At this time, we are living apart, while we work on the future of our relationship. We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and the center of both of our lives.


Sounds like now that Ahn-old is no longer Governor, Maria doesn't have to do the whole stand by your man shtick. Regardless, it's always a bummer to hear about couples parting ways after surviving twenty-five years together. After my residual BLOW OFF sadness dissipates, I'm kind of excited for Maria to go on an Eat, Pray, Love journey. Arnold was a philanderer and she deserves better. If I were her, I'd run for President, win, and rub it in his face.

Side note: the BF and I are going to start making joint statements. Here's our first one:
"After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion, and prayer, we've decided that we will continue to watch The Office even without Steve Carell." Stay tuned for future joint statements.

Monday, May 9, 2011

my favorite BLOW OFF commercial

Even though I hate AT&T and plan on paying the $120 they're going to charge me to cancel my cell phone contract because they sucky suck suck suck...I do LOVE this commercial.

residual BLOW OFF sadness

We all have our favorite couple friends. You know, the ones who aren't annoying. The ones who make each other laugh and don't have to flaunt how in love they are and aren't glued to each other's side at a party. The ones whose biggest problems = where to vacation and whose turn it is to take out the trash. These are the couples we all want to be.

And then, one day...those fuckers break up and completely mess with everything we know to be true and real in this world. It's like getting punched in the stomach. Why couldn't they make it work? Don't they know what their relationship means to me?!?!

I guess I'm coping with a little residual BLOW OFF sadness these days. The BF and I have a favorite sushi restaurant down the street from our apartment that's run by the cutest/coolest Japanese couple. This is the only restaurant I've ever gone to where they know me by name and give me hugs when I come in. It's like my Cheers. Well, recently, our favorite couple broke up and no longer lives in the same apartment BUT they still own the restaurant together. It's a BLOW OFF worthy of it's own category, but I don't know any of the details surrounding their demise (If I had to put money on it, I'd say she wanted out). Anyway, seeing them together "as friends" makes my heart hurt. It's just not right. They barely stand behind the counter together anymore and make playful jokes. There's distance. And it makes me want to cry into my sashimi. Where did they go wrong? Is there still a chance they'll get back together? Is it really over? Why can't things go back to the way they used to be?

I guess I just get too invested in other people's happiness. When my sister and her first serious boyfriend broke up, I cried when she told me. He was great and she was happy and I didn't want him to just disappear from our lives. Today, I'm psyched they broke up because my brother in law is a serious upgrade, but at the time I felt like my entire family was getting the heave-ho.

So, what I'm trying to say is, if you're friends with me and I like your significant other, please consider my feelings while contemplating a BLOW OFF. I'm fragile and I don't like change. At least give me ample warning or help preserve my creative juices by writing a guest post about the break up. It's the least you can do for toying with my emotions.

please get back together.

Friday, May 6, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: I Remember You by Skid Row

"Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say - I remember you."
-Skid Row, 1989

Thursday, May 5, 2011

the BLOW OFF first aid emergency kit

If you or someone you know is going through a BLOW OFF, don't text "I hope you get herpes for dumping me" to 90999. Instead, assemble your very own first aid emergency kit. Here's a top ten list of what you need to make it through this difficult time:

10. Painkillers. Hello?! They kill pain!!! I'm not saying you should OD on them or anything, but one or two Xanax never hurt nobody and if it stops the racing thoughts and evil butterflies in your belly and the tightening in your chest, than take three and call me in the morning.

9. One of those memory eraser vibrator looking things from Men in Black. Aliens are harmless, get rid of those "I'm so happy and in love" memories that only come back to haunt us. Happy memories can SUCK IT.

8. A Japanese Pillow person thing to rest your head on. They can't dump you. They are comfy and cozy. And you can rub your privates all over them and stick them in the wash! Plus, Japan's going through a really hard time, so they could use your support. It's a win-win.

7. A photo of the Iraqi girl from Time Magazine who had her face blown off in the war. It's called perspective, people.

6. A fake baby bump. Nothing says "eat your hear out, I'm over you" like I'm pregnant. Especially, if you're a dude.

5. Red nail polish, some gauze, and a dull razor blade. Nothing says "take me back, I need you" like a suicide attempt.

4. A mixed CD that's not actually a mixed CD, because there are only twelve tracks of Survivor by Destiny's Child. (Remember: Do. Not. Compromise. Your. Christianity.)

3. A puppy.

2. Ten pounds of cookie dough and three cases of Easy Mac. Who cares about clogged arteries when your HEART IS BROKEN. Give it to me! I want to die. And get fat. Because no one will ever love me again. Not even other fat people.

1. Something of your ex's that they'll never get back in a mason jar. I'm not talking a lock of their hair. I'm thinking more along the lines of the tip of their penis, an eyeball, a few toes, their ring finger, their nipples, or their belly button--- but only if it's an outty. Then, sprinkle it with our very special BLOW OFF powder to grow a person that looks just like your ex. Then you can dump them and then be all like "Now you know how it feels, suckah. Who's crying now? The shoes on the other foot. Karma's a bitch. You don't have parents, you grew from a nipple in a mason jar, so HA."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

the double betrayal BLOW OFF

The whole double betrayal thing is like my worst nightmare. This is when your sig other falls in love and gets it on with your bestie. Oh, hell to the no. I would totally be the woman that would run them both over in my Mini Cooper outside of the Motel 6, while listening to "I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain at top volume.

Speaking of Shania, she was on Oprah yesterday FINALLY dishing about the double betrayal she went through a few years ago when she learned her husband (Mutt, that's his name) of 14 years was having an affair with her best friend (Marie-Anne). I love when celebrities get all candid when they're promoting a book-slash-reality show and Shania did not hold back. Basically, while she was confiding in Marie-Anne about her marital problems, Marie-Anne was banging Mutt behind her back. Shania said she'd ask her bff if she'd noticed that her husband was acting weird and Marie-Anne would just reassure her and tell her there was nothing wrong. (I'm vomiting as I write this. There is a cold place in hell for women like this.)

After Shania learned of the affair, she told Oprah she was an emotional mess and didn't want to live. Poor thing had to take like five hot baths a day, because she was cold and shivering all the time. She even wrote an email to her ex-best friend to beg her to back off her husband (excerpt: "Find love from someone else, somewhere else... All of us have to suffer for the two of you. It just isn't right.") Twain called this one of her more pathetic moments, but I'm all for spilling your guts over email. The story does have a happy ending: Shania and Marie-Anne's husband Fred consoled each other, fell in love, and got married last January. Plus, he's way hotter than Mutt.

But sadly, since her divorce, Shania hasn't been able to bring herself to sing again. Mutt wasn't just her husband, but he was her music producer too...in fact, she'd never written a song without him. And even though she's married and essentially moved on, she's still pissed about how everything went down. In fact, she and Mutt share a son and Shania admitted she doesn't allow Marie-Anne to be a part of his life. She told Mutt that if they have any contact, she and the kid would move to the other side of the world. You go, Shania!!! All of us at the BLOW OFF salute you.

Note to self: never write a song about anyone.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

the "I'm finally over you" BLOW OFF

Break ups suck. Obvi, or else this site wouldn't exist. When a relationship doesn't work out or we get rejected by someone we're madly in love with, it hurts like a motherfucker. But you know what feels really good?

The moment you realize you're finally over that stupid slut that didn't want to be with you. In fact, you have no idea what you ever saw in them in the first place.

Sometimes it just creeps up on you...when you think about the person or see their updates on Facebook, you no longer want to barf out of every orifice. No more panic attacks or hives or tears. You just don't heart them anymore and you want to shout it from the rooftops. Usually, falling in love with someone else speeds up this process, but that's not always an option. Maybe it just takes time or distance or a lot of drugs and alcohol...but it always happens at some point. Trust.

Here are a couple times I knew I was completely over a person:

Boy #1. I was hung up on him forevs (like five years) and then one night we went out to dinner and it was all over. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he ordered tofu and talked about his new meditation classes and showed off his fancy yellow string bracelet his friend brought him from India. Note to readers: if you want a girl to get over you: order tofu, talk about your new meditation classes, and show off your yellow string bracelet from India. If only the fucker turned into a cheesy hippie years prior. He would have saved me a lot of weepy Ipod playlists.

Boy #2. When I saw his new potbelly in a picture on Facebook. I didn't know boys could get pregnant. (see, sometimes stalking exes on a social networking site isn't a bad thing.)

Boy #3. He died and his ghost would NOT stop calling and sexting me. He even tried to woo me with Unchained Melody. Uh, clingy and desperate much?

Anyway, here's hoping you have your "I'm finally over you" moment soon. And that it's not just a total fucking lie to make yourself feel better. Like we all know it was for Angela...(and I quote: it was like Jordan Catalono had been surgically removed from my heart and I was free.)

Monday, May 2, 2011

the object of my affection. LITERALLY.

If you thought your old relationships left you fragile and full of baggage, then you've never heard of the disorder "objectum-sexuality." I watched a documentary a few years back on object sexuals and it seriously gave me a bad case of the heebeegeebees. Here's the disorder in a nutshell: people who suffer from it fall in love with inanimate objects. Like really in love. To the point where they marry them and hump them.

Usually, these objects aren't just a microwave or a hair brush. Object Sexuals are kind of shallow. They normally fall for iconic structures like the Golden Gate Bridge or the Eiffel Tower. One chick in the documentary was in love with a church banister, but she was kicked out of the church after she was caught rubbing all over it. WTF.

Peeps with objectum sexuality have generally been through a lot. They've sometimes suffered some form of sexual trauma as a child and many also have Aspbergers and are repulsed by human touch. To them, objects are less scary. They can't reject you, they can't hurt you, and they can't get you pregnant or give you an STD. They also can't love you, but object-sexuals don't believe that.

It's kind of a sure proof way not to get blown off...unless of course you're Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer. She fell in love with the Berlin Wall and married it in 1979 (her last name is Berlin Wall in German.) She claims she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a seven year old. She started collecting pictures of her crush and saving money to one day visit it in person. Eija was horrified when the wall was torn down in 1989 and felt the Germans mutilated her husband (nevermind that getting rid of it liberated east Germany).

The crazy thing about object-sexuals (or one of the crazy things) is that they're not very monogamous. They have several different inanimate lovers at once. Basically, they're total cheaters and they get away with it, because well, their lovers are inanimate.

If I was going to come down with a bad case of Objectum-Sexuality...I would definitely fall in love with an In & Out Burger. Or the Coliseum in Rome. It's kind of a toss-up.