Thursday, June 30, 2011

this is funny.

If my writing career never takes off, I'm going to blame the internet for distracting me with all of its evil blogs and Facebook profiles of guys I made out with that I habitually stalk. If it does take off, I'm going to blame no one and I'm going to write "suck on this" on the Facebook walls of my stalking victims.

ANYWAY. My first new favorite procratination nation website is HelloGiggles...which is where I found this video on my second favorite newly discovered site, Apocalypstick.  This is just further proof that...Women Are Funny. Trust.

this is weird.

"Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move, when God is saying-- it's your time to act."

Oh no, God didn't! Is Christian Mingle trying to tell me that things are not actually pre-destined and if any of us want to get laid or find love, we need to BLOW OFF the almighty and sign up for a Christian dating site instead? This can't be true.

I guess if we're going to make fun of Christian Mingle, we should make fun of J Date too...but J Date doesn't have any super corny promos that remind me of those compilation records from the 80s where couples listened to Lionel Ritchie by their gas fireplace. So, we're only going to make fun of Christian Mingle.

I'd really love for someone to infiltrate this site and tell me what people's profiles look like. I am dying to know. Do people still try to be ironic and hip? I once had a friend in high school who explained to me that she saw her relationship with her future husband as a triangle...between, her, him, and God (I call that a threesome). That has to be the kind of stuff people say on their profiles on this site. So, I dare you to make a fake profile and write all about it on the BLOW OFF. Forget it, you want something done-- you have to do it yourself. Hopefully, this won't be like the time I infiltrated chat roulette. Wish me luck!

*five minutes later*

I just filled out the questionairre on the site. Sadly, "iheartjesus" was already taken as a user name, but "iheartjesuschrist" was available! I said my name was Beth, because that sounds like a good generic Christian name. When it asks you what religion you are, "atheist" is not an "not sure" is what I marked. For the description of myself I wrote "I am not religious."

I did a little surfing on people's profiles and here's what I can tell you. Christians (on this site) are not all that hot and they are mostly in their 40s or 50s. A lot of them have abnormally large flavor savers. the hottest guy I found made no mention of Jesus in his profile and said "non-denominational" under his church, so he doesn't really count. In fact, most of the slightly cute guys I click on don't mention anything about Jesus. Then I come across the user name "notonlysunday" and thought I would share his intro with you. In case you are interested, I'll hook it up. I think he'd be great for my high school friend.

Hey, I’m Justin! First and foremost, I love Christ and what he is doing in and through my life! He is the biggest and best part of me! I take my relationship with the lord very seriously and I am committed to serving him above all, for all time. That being said, I'm a pretty laid back guy that loves to laugh and joke around! I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and I use it a lot! But... I also have a very serious side and I know when to be serious. I consider myself a goal oriented person who is focused and determined, but also spontaneous and adventurous. I love summer and being outdoors! I love camping, dirt biking, scuba diving, wake boarding, drag racing, rock climbing, snowboarding, racquetball, working out, playing guitar, and fabricating things out of metal. I am always up for a new adventure! I am looking for someone who I can take on the world with! A partner in crime ;) someone who has Christ as their priority in life above all else... someone who will love him before they love me! Also someone who has a good sense of humor and can joke around...if you can’t laugh then life is gunna be really depressing and boring lol. But it’s equally important to know how to be real when the moment calls for it. Someone who is comfortable with who they are and what they are looking for. I don't have any problem admitting that I have a sensitive / sentimental side and so I would like someone who can meet me at that level and talk about things easily and openly. FYI: communication is very important to me! But mostly I look forward to seeing who god might bring in to my life! Maybe its you! :)

this guy seems sweet. And he's actually secure enough to want you to love God more than him. Personally, I wouldn't be okay with that. If I'm not your number one, you're gonna get blown off. I deserve to be much as the heavenly father.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

Poor Hong Kong. It's been invaded by Ashley "I heart Bentley. I like to play with my bangs. Call me Cupcake" Hebert. Why are there no Asian people running around with surgical masks? Don't they know stupidity mixed with herpes is deadlier than SARS?

This episode begins like most episodes of the season. Cupcake takes a nice pensive stroll in stripper shoes along the streets of HK. I love that the show actually tries to get experimental by showing Ashley standing still, while everyone else around her moves at lightning speed. WTF is this? Garden State?

The guys arrive...*swoon*...I seriously love all the boys on the show. I'm counting the days to the Men Tell All episode. Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what hotel they are staying at. Seriously. The man gets paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to be a travel agent.

Ash gets the surprise of her life when Harrison shows up at her hotel room. She can't believe the man is actually pulling an extra shift this episode. Chris tells her they made good on their promise to get her closure and that Bentley Hong Kong.


Girlfriend is about to start crying. Chris leaves her with Bentley's hotel room #: 4315. I start getting my hopes up that this could be the beginning of a horror movie. Like: ROOM 4315. Once you go in, you end up joining a human centipede and Chantal has to replace you as the Bachelorette. Spoiler alert. That's not what happens.

Cupcake stands outside of Bentley's room 'til she gets the guts to knock. Bentley opens the door and greets her with a kiss. VOMIT. This whole sequence made me cringe. Have I ever been on the Ashley side of things with guys I've liked? How humiliating. Let this be a lesson to all us females. This is what we look like sometimes! Bentley, who is looking extra hot to me, is all kinds of vague with Ashley. Aside from his hysterical interviews, the guy has the personality of dog poop. I have no idea why Ashley fell in love with him. All he does is mumble and smile. Cupcake finally gets fed up with all his wishy-washiness and asks him why he came all the way to Hong Kong instead of just calling her on the phone.

Uh, because he wouldn't be on camera via phone. And he wouldn't get a free trip to Hong Kong. And he wouldn't get a fat check from ABC. Wake up, Ash-fuck!

Bentley finally tells Ash there's no future for them and they put the period on the dot dot dot (which technically, just makes it a dot dot dot dot)

Ashley gives an interview where she says she's finally over Bentley and even says fuck you to him. My boyfriend called me a conspiracy theorist for this, but I'm willing to bet my life on the fact that the interview was filmed two days replace the original one of Ashley crying and saying she'll never be able to get over the Bent-meister. Think about it. ABC has to know the girl is looking like an idiot and they need to save face in order for us to root for her to find her husband, yada yada yada. So, they just put her in the same clothes and had her bad mouth Bentley instead so she'd look all strong and evolved. Those fuckers can't fool me.

Lucas gets the first one on one date with Ashley. Their date was pretty lame. They go through yet another foreign bazaar to try exotic sausage. Then they get on some boat and make super boring small talk. Honestly, I can't remember much about this date and I'm too lazy to watch it again on my DVR...but I'm kind of into Lucas. He's got a Woody Harrelson quality about him. I also think he's genuinely into Cupcake. The story about his ex-wife was such a let down though. The guy gave up zero dish. He was basically like "we fell in love and then we fell out of love." BULL SHIT. Somebody fucked someone else and I want names. Lucas makes out with Ashley after getting a rose and a little piece of me dies. These kisses should come with an emergency warning.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and poor Ryan and Blake are passed over for a one on one date yet again. But who really gives a shit, because this means JP gets the one on one date. He's hands down my favorite. The idea of him going into a fantasy suite with Ashley makes my vagina cry. And not in a good way.

The guys learn on their group date that they are going to be dragon boat racing. They get into pairs and scour Hong Kong for other team members. This is actually kind of an amusing sequence. Probably because Ashley is not in it. Ben F and Constantine team up, making it that much harder to tell them apart. Ames and Mickey (AKA Good Will Hunting) partner up, which leaves Blake with Ryan...his homosexual nemesis!

The guys have a super hard time communicating with non-white people. Which if you think about it, is really stupid because obviously there's a translator with the crew to get all these people to sign releases, etc. I'm pretty disappointed that Ames can't speak Chinese. Um, I thought he went to Harvard.

Gay Ryan really got the opportunity to shine on this mission. Apparently, the people of Hong Kong can't resist those dimples and his Scott Speedman resemblance. Blake is actually happy to be batting on the same team as him. I love how Ben F and Constantine wore cheesy red robes to the race. Funny boys melt my ice cold heart. I would totally let them tag team me.

Ames and Mickey win the dragon boat race and their prize is that they get to masturbate all over Ashley's face. Just kidding. They win a super cheesy dragon trophy. Then, a couple actors hired by ABC get engaged on the beach (b/c nothing says I love you like a dragon boat race on a bad reality TV show.) Ashley swoons and wonders who will get engaged next. Um...not you and Bentley, sweetheart. Why? Cause he thinks you're ugly.

It's the nighttime group date and Ames totally lures Ashley into an elevator. NOOOO, Cupcake! Don't go in the elevator with him. Maybe he's paid the camera man to let him rape you! OMG OMG OMG, Ames pushes button number 48 on the elevator. He's totally going to rape Ashley! Did you see the way he rape kissed her? He's so stiff and polite and Patrick Bateman like, it gives me the heebeegeebees. I still love him though.

Back at the house, JP gets his date card. I have no idea what it said, but I did notice in this scene that he has a nice butt.

Ben F says he's on the path to love with Ashley. I don't buy it. How much extra does ABC pay these guys to say they're in love with Ashley? Ben F, stop the insanity! You could do so much better.

The guys ditch Ryan and go play pool without him, because he's apparently the most annoying person in the world. I can see how he'd be hard to take in large doses, but I don't think it's fair of the guys to be so mean to him just b/c he's gay. They actually say they want Ashley to see Ryan for who he really is (gay) and that they have fundamental differences from him. (They are straight, Ryan is gay.)

But since Ashley has proven she's utterly clueless when it comes to men, she gives gay Ryan the rose. Huge mistake. The man will leave you for Anderson Cooper.

FINALLY. It's time for Ash's one on one date with the hottest man in the world. JP. They do the old hug and lift when they see each other which is the surest sign of love I've ever seen. I'm calling it now: JP will get the final rose. These two actually look good together and he kind of makes me like Ashley. Okay, that's a big fat lie, but there's some serious chemistry here. And for some reason, I think JP is really into her. Which means if his standards are that low, I totally have a chance with him. I really hope he gets a hometown date, because I've got a feeling there are some hot brothers for us to meet.

Side note, do you guys think these guys ask Ashley questions about herself and those clips just get cut from the final show or is there some sort of production rule that only Ash can steer the conversation? Doesn't ABC know that men who ask women questions about themselves are HOT?

Then, Ashley tells JP she's a "nervous rack (wreck)" and that she has to tell him something. No, it's not that she secretly has a penis or that due to her upper lip he will never get a good BJ from her, it's that she saw Bentley. JP's reaction is priceless, but of course he's all kinds of charming and understanding about it, because he is PERFACCCCKKKT! Except for his tiny eyebrows.

I love it when Ash gives him the rose and calls him Jordan Paul. Ugh. Am I actually rooting for these two to get together? Someone slap me.

They go on a tram ride together and then hang out on some balcony with a foggy view of Hong Kong, while a little old man in pink satin plays an instrument. This would have been so much cooler if they had a famous pop star from Hong Kong perform for them. All the traditional eastern music in this episode is kind of driving me crazy. It's like, we get it. You're in Asia. And you feel really guilty about the fact that the show only has white people on it.

Rose ceremony time! I think this little silver ensemble might just win the award for ugliest outfit ever. The guys keep saying how hot Ashley looks. Are they on crack? I swear, this must be like Quantum Leap. Like, we all see Ashley, but they all see Blake Lively.

The best part of this episode, hands down, is when Ashley admits to the guys that she saw Bentley. They are all super pissed! This is why I am in love with all of these guys. They totally let her have it and make her cry. Well done, boys. Well done. Stupid Cupcake thought they'd give her a pat on the back and tell her they are glad she's over Bentley, but they basically think she's a complete douche-tard for hearting Salt Lake. I especially love it when they all discuss how they just sit around waiting to talk to Ashley...waiting in a hospital (poor Ames, mild concussion face)...while Ashley has been obsessing over Bentley the whole time. Good point. What a fucking bitch!

When Ash apologizes to Ames, he says something like how everyone wishes their fairytales could be simple, but that's not the way love works or some shit like that. Why does the guy always have to sound like Confucius when he speaks? Obnoxious much? Lucky for him, Ash doesn't understand a word he says.

Blake, who emerged as one of my favorites in this episode, kind of lets Ashley have it. He basically tells her that he's barely had any time with her and that he think it's weird that she had such a strong connection with a guy that she hardly knew. Ash totally starts to ball her eyes out and Blake has no choice, but to hug her. He seems sweet and he's a dentist. Why won't Ash give him more love???

The person who really won my heart this episode was Mickey. I mean, his Good Will Hunting vibe was already super hot, but now...he's my new hero. He tells Ashley that he has no interest in a girl that wants to be with Bentley and practically begs her to not give him a rose. Cupcake's ego is so bruised that she makes Mickey leave right then and there. The guys watch Mickey take off on a boat with tears in their eyes...and lift their drinks to him. Sigh. These bromances make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Ashley makes a heartfelt apology to all the guys which actually comes off nice and sincere, but if she really wanted to make it up to them, she'd...leave and let them have a dudes week in China. Regardless, the guys are touched and decide to forgive Ashley for being ugly AND stupid. Chris Harrison tries to give Ashley a pep talk, but he decides it'll be way more fun to sabotage her. So, instead he leaves her with these three little words. "Just be Ashley." WORST ADVICE EVER!

Everyone gets a rose except for poor Blake-- proving once again that Ashley is a terrible judge of character. I mean, it's super obvious that Constantine wants nothing to do with her. He's basically told her that. I'm also really getting sick of the fact that this bitch can't even walk guys out after dumping them. She even walked Mickey out and he dumped her! Don't worry, Blake! You can do better. There are a ton of former Bachelor contestants that you will be hooking up with soon.

Next week, the crew goes to Taiwan, but ABC also decides to give the rest of the entire season away. I predict that Ames won't get very far, because they used an old clip of him from Thailand. I predict that JP decides to leave or doesn't get a rose....but ends up coming back? I also predict that neither of the guys want to be with Cupcake at the end and that Ryan and Chris Harrison have hot anal loving in Fiji in a fantasy suite.

Oh, I almost forgot! At the very end of this episode we get to see a clip of Ben F and Ashley revealing the weird voices they use when they talk to their dogs. Ben F's is hilarious and charming and makes him super humpable...and Ashley's is...surprisingly way less annoying than her normal voice. Seriously.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Love in a time of grade school triangles

I was looking through old emails the other day and came across this gem from my younger brother addressed to my older sister and I. It was written in 2000 which means he was eleven years old at the time:

> Subject: Help Me!
> Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 13:07:10 -0700
> Hey You Guys.
> Sara I'm sending this to your e-mail address but share it with Samira. This is Kia and I need some major advice. It's about Nissa. I just can't get her out of my head. After school on Friday I was heart broken. You know how my best friend likes her too, its a hard friendship to have. In a way were both kind of fighting over her, but we never talk about it. In the beginning I liked Nissa way before Steven came in. It's like he knew I liked her and then he just is taking her away. This is why I'm very mad off by my friend Steven. Nissa totally knows that we both like her and she still talks to us. Some days she pays more attention to me, and vise versa with Steven. Now on Friday she payed lots of special attention to him. And at the end of the day he was so happy, happy, and was rubbing it in. Your probably laughing right now, and thinking,;Kia your just a kid don't worry about these things; but it's kind of- it's important to me. Give me some sort of comeback to this. Something that will make her crawl back to me. Something that will make Steven speechless. Sis's, I need help. Remember this is just between us three. This is no joke. I'm turning to you cause your my sisters and I love you. Thanks.
> Peace Out
> Kia

Have you ever read anything more adorable in your entire life? I can't remember what advice I gave in response or how it all panned out. Kia also doesn't know what ever became of Nissa...apparently, she's nowhere to be found on Facebook. This makes me so nostalgic for the time when the extent of our dating problems consisted of whether or not we got to talk to our crushes at school. Sigh. Those were the good old days. I wonder if I told him it's all downhill from there.

Monday, June 27, 2011

the fall back plan BLOW OFF

The wedding section in the New York Times should be renamed: rich white people in love who may or may not have pre-nups. The latest couple to rub their wealth and love story in our face is Sarah Fox and Calvin Ford.

Sarah and Calvin first fell in love as toddlers in their church play group. They didn't start bumping uglies until they went to high school. They were on again/off again through college, then lost touch for four years.

In 2008, they reconnected at a party for Sarah and her new fiance. They hugged and sensed they still had a "connection." Come on! Anyone who hasn't seen an ex in 4 years until their engagement party is going to feel a little pitter patter. This means nothing to me.

Then, the following year, Sarah's fiance totally blew her off and ended their engagement. Sarah admits she had doubts too, but she wouldn't have had the guts to do the breaking up. After they broke things off...Sarah couldn't stop thinking about Calvin. DUH! The man you were supposed to marry just decided he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with you and you have NO future prospects. Of course you're going to start wondering about your last serious boyfriend. This means nothing to me.

Sarah sent Calvin an email telling him that he was a light in her life. Calvin reached out to her via phone, but apparently she was at dinner with her brother who was consoling her over the failed engagement with the sage words: the worst day of your life is going to turn out to be the best day of your life for someone else. I don't think that actually makes sense, but I think he's trying to say "one man's trash is another man's treasure."

Once Calvin and Sarah connected via phone, they spoke for hours. After hanging up, Fox told her mother she was going to marry him. Wow, girlfriend moved on fast! Needless to say, they got engaged and married in Michigan. Oops, did I forget to mention they are like Detroit royalty? Calvin Ford is the great-great grandson of the dude who started the car company.

Here's the deal. The theme to the article is that these two were always meant to end up together. I don't buy it. Personally, I think Calvin was a big fat fall back plan. Sarah basically married her rebound...who was totally the safe (and richest) choice. I mean, he looks like a chubby butler in their picture. I'm just not sure this little union is going to last. What do you guys think?

Anyway, after reading all this, it got me thinking...we really need to have break up listings on the BLOW OFF. So, don't sweat it if you can't get into the New York Times when you get married. We are here for you when you get divorced.

Friday, June 24, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: Sweetest Kill by Broken Social Scene

"I held your hand until the light
The scars were on the back
And all the time we were the right
Was it just retract?"

-Broken Social Scene, 2010

Thursday, June 23, 2011

the autocorrect BLOW OFF

Yesterday, we posted what we thought was a fake autocorrect mishap on an Iphone...but a few days before it went up, we got this post from one of our favorite readers. When you're done perusing our blog, check out hers. It's pretty awesome:

I am divorcing autocorrect. It once told my black friend it's "time for lynch" and changed "harmless" to "hairless" which actually did substantial damage to the gravitas of an email I once sent.

Autocorrect and I are through. But part of me thinks the merry pranksters at Apple keep it shitty to keep us talking about it instead of what a bloated giant the iTunes store is.

There should at least be a "red band" version or "urban dictionary" version.

Autocorrect can f**k off.

Just saying.

the grown ass baby girl trying to figure shit out BLOW OFF

Yay for guest post Thursday! Enjoy this dating dilemma from one of our favorite readers:

Did you wake up this morning feeling disgusting, with a premonition that your boyfriend hates you and his ex-girlfriends who all look like Victoria Secret models with PhDs in American Literature and Physics are secretly plotting against you? Just me? Really? I guess not having a steady job for 4 months makes the mind sticky.

my perfect and fully employed boyfriend: “so...don't take this the wrong way...but what's your plan for getting a job...are you just waiting for the costume supervisors to call you back or are you actually looking?"

me (horrified and pretending to not have heard): “oh, cool I can go to this lunch time yoga class. Wait, what?”

my sexy surfer boyfriend: “uhh...are you freaking out right now...”

me (desperately clinging to my Colin Powell-esque dignity): “no, I actually had a phone interview yesterday, I just didn’t tell you because we were watching (pointing to the The Wire DVD with an air of I’m not a child) and then we went to bed. I applied to 5 jobs and I’m waiting to hear back so...”

Ok, what’s the point of this story? FEAR.

1. I fear that my boyfriend thinks I’m one of those girls who have given up on life goals and just wanna chill and mooch off his 401K.
2. I fear that I won’t even get this terrible job I’m over qualified for and have no interest in.
3. I fear that I am too old to be doing this self discovery thing (see title)
4. I fear that his ex- girlfriend will invite him to a casual turned romantic dinner and tell him how she’s been nominated for a Pulitzer and also had her vagina rejuvenated for him.
5. the biggest fear of all zero trans fat fears is I have no clue what my plan is...

Like alcoholics to the bottle, my romantic comedy indulgent ass took to creeping facebook friend’s engagement, wedding and baby shower updates. And after sufficiently drowning myself on account of no steady job/plan and relationship on the brink of collapse--- I had the “I’ve decided it would be better for both of us if I moved out” talk with my boyfriend. No throw down or ultimatum or bullshit, I don’t want to lose him to my fears and he’s been awesome and supportive since day one so this isn’t about him. Grown ass baby girl needs to figure shit out for herself first and stand on her own before the happy ending to all classy love stories (except the ones where the girl dies.)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

is this shit for real?

I mean, I can't figure out how this guy would have had to misspell "jumping" for it to turn into "dumping" via auto correct. Especially, since the J & D buttons are like super far away from each other on a phone.

I call bull shit on this!

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

It's Chiang Mai time, woot woot! The episode starts with the guys on the bus headed to what's apparently the most romantic city in the entire universe. A place where you go to fall in love. Um, Ashley could fall in love in a bathroom of a KFC, but whatever.

The best part of the show is when the guys are all hanging out together WITHOUT Cupcake. They're all pretty cute and relatively charming and I find myself getting super annoyed every time Ashley shows up and interrupts their bro time. ABC: genius idea. Make a web series of all the footage of the dudes hanging out with each other without Ashley. Although, I'm guessing the reason they can't do that is cause all the guys do is sit around all day and talk about how annoying Ashley is.

Chris Harrison arrives and explains the intricacies of the game and a 2 on 1 date...proving once again that he is completely unnecessary and overpaid. The guy should just start Skyping in.

Ben F gets the first one on one date in Chiang Mai. I like Ben F. He's exactly the kind of guy I would have been in love with in high school who would ask me to loan him money and do his homework. Ugh, not another marketplace date. I get it. Foreign countries sell cool shit in little outdoor stores manned by super cute old men. Ash tries on some robe and Ben F says he'll buy it for her. The robe then starts screaming: no! Please! Leave me here! I don't want to be wrapped around annoying Ashley for the rest of my life.

I have a mini heart attack when Ben F says he could really see Ash being his future fiancee wife. I remind myself that he makes wine and just wants to follow in the footsteps of Andrew Firestone and become the next Bachelor.

Then, Cupcake and Ben F sit on a bench near a temple and apparently they really want to kiss each other, but there's "no kissy kissy" in front of the temple. So. Instead of walking away to somewhere they can kiss, Cupcake comes up with the bright idea of mentally kissing each other. Which is such a random coincidence, because I was mentally deep throating my boyfriend at the exact same time! I don't think Ashley should be expected to mentally do anything. Her head might explode. Can we all agree this should go down as one of the stupidest moments in Bachelor history? Ben F, you've really let me down.

Dinner time. Cupcake and Ben have this super romantic dinner with candles and flower petals and yet another terrible Ashley outfit. I love that she's trying to pull off the fashionista thing...but she really looks like a Maxximista. Get it? As in TJ Maxx?

Ben tells Ash that he hasn't been emotionally available since his dad died. And then something weird happens. She actually listens to him. Although, she barely asks him any questions about his dad--- what he was like, how he died, blah blah blah. Instead she just says "well, I'm glad you're in a good place now." Once again, this girl makes Ali Fedetowsky look like Mother effing Theresa.

Also, isn't Ben also an IT guy in San Diego? I think they're really overselling this whole wine thing. Wait, I just did a little research and here's the website to his winery. It looks kind of legit, although one thing Ben fails to mention is that he's studying wine making at UC Davis. So, he's about as much a wine maker as Ash is a dentist.

Ben and Ashley kiss, while characters from It's A Small World dance around them and I get so grossed out by their make out session I projectile vomit all over the television. I change my mind. I wish they would just stick to mental kissing. Meanwhile, back at the house Ben C and William learn they'll be going on the 2 on 1 date. This should be interesting.

Group date time! The guys arrive to find Ash sporting a trashy Lululemon outfit. She tells them they're going to learn Muay Thai which is a form of boxing. I don't understand why the producers always have a fighting challenge on The Bachelorette. Girls don't really get turned on by watching men beat up on each other. It's gross to us. Anyway, the guys take their shirts off and start pouncing away. Ames tries to look super awkward and non-violent, because he doesn't want to give away that he's a date rapist. Ryan, the gay solar paneling guy, starts getting really turned on by the boys. Ash proves she's the devil when she laughs at Ames for falling. The guys learn they'll have to box each other and get their very own boxing outfits. Ames, being the polite educated white male that he is, gets stuck with the bright pink outfit.

Ames and Ryan get into the ring and Ryan takes out all his repressed sexual feelings on Ames. It's pretty obvious that Ryan wants to mount him right then and there, but instead he just hits him. Classic repressed homosexual move! Ames gets really hurt. Everyone keeps saying that he's not acting like himself...but he's acting the way he always a robot. Cupcake's voice over says that she can't watch the rest of the boxing matches, because she's so worried about Ames. She then walks away...presumably to alert producers. But I'm smarter than that. I know Ash just got up to take a shit and had nothing to do with the paramedics getting called.

Ames gets rushed to the hospital and Ashley doesn't even go with him. Um, deal breaker! We have some very dramatic shots of Ames's shorts and feet on a hospital stretcher.

It's the night time portion of the group date and it's readily apparent that Ash is bummed about the Ames thing, because this means the guys might be too worried and upset about their friend to flirt with her. This girl is the worst! I want to go Muay Thai on her ass!

I love when Mickey explains to Cupcake why Mr. Silver Spoon (AKA Ames) couldn't handle a couple of punches, because he's never gotten into a fight before. Mickey, on the other hand, takes baseball bats to people's heads. (Big ups to my man JP for beating him in their fight. Sigh. JP is so dreamy.)

The guys commiserate over Ames and his pink shorts and I KID YOU NOT, Ryan actually says that Ames looked really good in the pink shorts. Um, what straight guy would ever say that? And then when Ames returns, Ryan can't stop smiling. He's totally smitten. I wonder if these two secretly cuddle and fall asleep with their hands on each other's penises. I hope so...

Poor Ames practically has amnesia. He tries to talk to Ashley, but he's struggling. I don't think this has anything to do with this head injury. It has everything to do with how irritating and uninteresting Ashley is. We find out that Ames got a mild concussion. The guy can't even remember he's a date rapist. By the end of the season, he's going to have to start taking Polaroid pics and tattooing his body just to remember where he is. Sucks.

Blake, who until now has been completely pointless, actually has a cute conversation with Ashley where he explains that love is a marathon and not a sprint. Which makes Ashley wonder if what she had with Bentley would have ended up dying anyway.

Except she didn't have anything with Bentley! The guy found like three hundred different ways to call her ugly.

I'm actually starting to like Lucas a little more this episode. I originally thought he was lame and boring, but he cracks some funny jokes and calls Ashley out on her pathetic Bentley obsession. But then she convinces him to teach her to play golf and he basically starts panting. Ashley should just marry the guy right then and there. I think he's the only that actually finds her attractive.

It's kind of sweet that Ash gives the date rose to Blake, because he's the underdog and all...BUT Ames went to the freaking hospital! This girl shows no remorse or empathy. The only reason she gave the rose to Blake is because he's as insecure as she is. And because he's a dentist.

Two on One date time! Cupcake,, and Ben C get on a raft together and I find myself wishing this was Apocalypse Now and that Ashley would get decapitated by Marlon Brando. But it's not. In fact, according to Ashley...the ride on the raft is PERFACKKKKKTTTT.

(Side note, my new favorite thing is talking to the BF as though I'm Ashley. It's super funny, except it gives him erectile dysfunction.)

I really like William. He's super hot and funny and is on the show for the right reasons. To get famous. Ben C, on the other hand, is a total bore. During a picnic, William tells Cupcake that Ben C has been talking about online dating when he gets home. Little Miss Insecure has a panic attack and totally sends Ben C questions asked! OMG. This girl is such an idiot. I mean, don't get me wrong, Ben C doesn't like her BUT this just makes her look so needy and stupid. Even William can't believe how fast she sent him home.

New rule. If you're ever in a dating conundrum...just ask yourself: What Would Ashley Do? And then do the exact opposite.

Cupcake puts on yet another terrible outfit for her dinner date with William. And after William admits for the second time that he's a thirty year old boy, Ashley gives him the boot too. Note to dudes: telling a girl you still feel like a boy and won't be ready for anything serious won't go over well. That was a huge mistake on his part BUT honestly, I think Ash is just lazy and wants to go to sleep and wants to end these dates as soon as possible. She did not have to send the guy home so soon and then throw the rose in a pit of fire. She just wants to get in bed and play with her new vibrator that she named after Bentley.

Back in the car, William says like three or four suicidal things. He actually says he wants to go to bed and never wake up and that he has to go back to his awful life and pretty much calls himself a piece of shit. OMG. This guy needs therapy! Where is Chris Harrison when you need him?! Don't worry, William...move to LA! Your comedy career can still take off (I mean, come on--- we don't think he was actually crying over Ashley, do we?)

I'm sad to see William go. All the funny and entertaining dudes are leaving us. His commentary at the very end of the show was especially hilarious. (Ben C pretending to play piano was awesome too. I think the guys must just put on mini talent shows every time the cameras are rolling to get famous.)

Rose ceremony time. Dare I say it, but...Cupcake actually looks kind of pretty (minus the terrible make up job and the oompa loompa complexion). The guys make their last ditch effort to get a rose. Ryan is a super eager beaver about how much he likes Ashley, but what he really wants to say is "don't you dare separate me from Ames!" Then, JP and Cupcake get some alone time and I kind of want to throttle her, because JP is so hot (and quite possibly actually into her, his only flaw...) but Ashley is still thinking about BENTLEY.

Which is why I love that Constantine pretty much says in this episode that he's not into Ashley at all. And none of the guys seem to disagree with him. Is it just me or does no one like her?!

Chris Harrison and Ash have a long talk and she confesses that she is still obsessed with Bentley and the "dot dot dot" that he put on their relationship. How does Harrison keep a straight face? I would literally be on the ground laughing and peeing my pants at this point. The woman had like three conversations total with Bentley. They never even had a one on one date! Ash says she needs closure and Chris says they'll find a way to get it for her. Here's a suggestion-- instead of flying the guy to Asia, why not just show her the footage of him saying he's not attracted to her AT ALL?!

At the rose ceremony, everyone but Nick gets a rose. Not a shocker. I still can't believe the guy and his soul patch lasted this long. Once again, I'm struck by how easy it is for Ashley to dump people. Notice how she NEVER offers to walk anyone out? The girl is heartless! And brainless!

Next week, Cupcake and her harem go to Hong Kong where she's reunited with Bentley again. I'm really excited for this episode, because it looks like all the guys basically berate her for being in love with such a tool and Ash starts crying. yay!

Maybe she'll kill herself. Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the dodgers BLOW OFF: now we get it!

In case you don't follow sports, but do follow break of our readers was kind enough to explain to us what the eff is going on with the saga of the Dodgers. It's pretty juicy!

"in a nutshell it's like this: the mccourts bought the dodgers a few years back and began using the team as their own private piggy bank, leeching hundreds of millions of dollars from the team's coffers to fund their lavish lifestyle. they were paying one of their kids a $600,000 a year salary as a team employee...while he was an undergrad at stanford. and that's not even the most egregious waste of money they're responsible for. frank mccourt claims to have found out that jamie was fucking her driver (who the dodgers were paying for, naturally) and filed for divorce. she claims she's entitled to 50% of the team and so they're going to court. the dodgers franchise meanwhile is fucked because mccourt literally doesn't have enough money to pay the team's payroll through the end of the month, so the MLB is considering seizing the team from him."

This is really kind of dishy and being a Giant's fan, I kind of don't mind if the Dodger's franchise falls apart. But if the wife really was having the affair, she should take one for the team (yes, pun totally intended) and walk away with the six houses she's already getting. We'll keep you posted on how this ends.

does this mean we can stop feeling sorry for Jennifer Aniston?

Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston is dating actor Justin Theroux and that his girlfriend of 14 YEARS just moved out of their apartment. And supposedly Jen & Justin already have matching rings. WTF? Unless they got married, why do they need matching rings? That's like something I would have done in 5th grade with my boyfriend.

So...assuming this is all true and Justin was in a committed relationship before Jen came along...then, what she did is kind of way worse than what Angelina did. Right? I mean, 14 years is a civil union times two. It's also twice as long as Brad and Jen were together.

I think I know how this played out. Jennifer felt entitled. I bet just before they made out for the first time, Jen thought to herself "I deserve this. my husband left me for Angelina Jolie and had six kids with her. My rebound, Vince Vaughan is married with a child. John Mayer came with me to the Oscars and then I found out all the rumors of him being a douche were true. Then he called a different girlfriend 'sexual napalm.' Things with Gerard Butler never panned out, I was in that really bad Adam Sandler movie, and Bradley Cooper chose Renee Zelwegger over me. I don't care if Theroux has a girlfriend. When is it my turn for love?"

Okay, so maybe this was how I justified having a hot and heavy make out session with a guy that had a girlfriend, but I bet Jennifer Aniston went through the same thing. And I bet afterward she sang last Friday's BLOW OFF song of the day to Justin.

Anyway, I officially declare today "stop feeling bad for Jennifer Aniston day." Instead let's feel bad for Justin Theroux's ex-girlfriend. The guy she spent the last fourteen years of her life with has a matching ring with Rachel from Friends. Sadness!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Our 500th post: How I got dumped by a dog. Literally.

In honor of our 500th post, I'd like to talk a little about my most recent (and most painful) break up. Those of you that know me personally are well aware of my serious love for pugs. I'm not sure how my obsession started since I'm also known to lack the part of the brain that stores an undying love for animals (I've always loved babies more). But I once gave a character in a screenplay a pug and after that it was all over. Suddenly, they were the cutest thing alive. My pug love rubbed off on my bf and we've been contemplating getting one for the last two years.

So, when we heard that his co-worker not only owned a pug, but needed someone to dog sit for a week, we jumped at the chance. This would be the perfect practice session. Could we actually handle being dog people? I wasn't so sure after we received their homemade manual on how to take care of their pet. They had taken so much time and care into their pug guide that I realized we were being entrusted with their baby. This was a lot of responsibility. What if she choked on a piece of dog food? What if she got kidnapped by gypsies? What if she got hit by a car? Suddenly, dog sitting became the most daunting task in the world.

None of that happened. But something did that I never expected. I got attached. Like really attached. This was just not any dog. This was the most loving creature on earth. Not only did she follow me around everywhere I went, but she also snuggled up next to me under the covers every night. I didn't even care that she woke up at 545am. When I watched TV, she'd nestle into my lap and snore. She'd act psychotically happy when I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. It was love.

And then it hit me. We have to break up. I have to give her back to her owners. Thoughts of running away to Mexico floated in my head, but that seemed a little extreme. So, then naturally my guard went up and I started trying to put some distance between us, but that didn't work either. How could I not pet the most lovable creature in the world? I couldn't! Instead, before her owners arrived, I did what every sane person does when they know they're about to get their heart broken. I got drunk (more like tipsy and I was with a friend, I'm not that big of a loser). Luckily, despite the chardonnay, I managed to say my good byes without crying (until I was alone.) The next few days, I went through the proper break up stages of grief. I ate a lot of chocolate, I listened to Adele, I contemplated changing my hair, I teared up when I saw little reminders of places we'd walked past, and I told myself to look on the bright side...this meant I was finally ready for puppy love in my life.

The pug's owners are going away again next month, so there's a chance we'll be reunited. But, I can't help thinking...what's the point of getting back together if we'll just have to break up all over again? I just don't think my fragile heart could handle it.

Friday, June 17, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn

Call your girlfriend
It's time you had the talk
Give your reasons
Say it's not her fault
But you just met somebody new

Don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed
Don't you even try and explain how it's so different when we kiss
You tell her that the only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again
And it won't make sense right now but you're still her friend
And then you let her down easy.

-Robyn, 2011

Thursday, June 16, 2011

make sure your single drops on the same day you break up.

I know we're all still recovering from the shock of Hugh Hefner and his nameless faceless blond fiancee breaking up, but what the very tragic and sad demise of their relationship showed me is that there is an upside to breaking up.

For instance, faceless nameless (apparently she also goes by the name Crystal) decided to call off her wedding just a couple days before the big day...while managing to promote her musical career in the process.

Here is the most amazing statement ever from her publicist.

"spoke to Crystal earlier this morning and she had shared the sad news with me. The breakup was amicable. Crystal will now be focusing on her music career and her new single 'Club Queen,' which was released today."

I want you to listen to this song and picture Hugh doing the running man, followed by the Humpty Dump, and the snake.

two wrongs make a right BLOW OFF

It's guest post Thursday! I love it when our loyal readers send us their stories of dating strife. If you have a story you'd like to post on the site, don't be shy. Maybe the below will inspire you to send one our way:

I have some basic relationship skills from dating the wrong person for 6 years and then another wrong person for 9 months...I’m still learning, but things are pretty good with the current boyfriend so I think I can be that self righteous asshole giving people relationship advice and shit. Anyway, I hope someone will find the following helpful.

I started dating my first serious boyfriend in my 20’s, it was an ugly stretched out breakup, see email below:

Maybe the kids today are wiser, so if you’re 20 something and in a serious relationship you might want to ask yourself: Is my girlfriend/boyfriend just a really good roommate who I occasionally have tepid sex with? Do I sometimes think about my best friend’s girlfriend/boyfriend who’s much cooler and better looking and has more money (this is a fair statement today because I know plenty of young successful females who date guys without money)? If “fill in the blank celebrity” invites me to his/her hotel suite would I go (sorry, because we’re in LA)? And if you’re only asking one question - can I get away with it? You have your answer. I don’t want to recommend breaking up if you’re in a happy relationship but if you have doubts, take a break, if you’re meant to be with that person, it’s meant to be. This way you guys avoid the cheating game and damaging what could have been a great friendship. (as for my first boyfriend he started dating a psycho hallmark version of me as his rebound and when they broke up he wrote me a nice follow up email saying all is forgiven but we’re not at the friendship stage yet, and I don’t know if we ever will be)

My rebound was from Eharmony, the worst idea ever. It took a month for me to know the shit was not right but I forced myself to stay in it because I thought that’s what adults are suppose to do - work it out. Talk about the relationship, invest in the relationship, believe in the relationship, talk about the relationship some more, plan a trip, fight on the trip and work it out some more. I was incredibly lucky that my wrong person didn’t mean any ill will, he was just as emotionally stunted as me and didn’t know how to call it quits. Anyway, what snapped me out of it was hearing one of my best friends tell me “you’re not the talkative and laughing person I know when you’re around him.” The most obvious signs we can’t see ourselves, so if you’re 30 something and in a serious relationship you might want to ask your friends (really good friends) what they see, and if you haven’t been hanging out with your good friends because of your relationship...I don’t need to finished this obvious statement. Oh yeah, if you’re an unhappy person to begin with then you need to find your sunshine first before getting into a relationship - golden fucking rule for everyone. Other than that go ahead and make some mistakes (use protection of course), I wouldn’t know what a good relationship feels like if it weren’t for my previous wrong matches.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

WTF is up with the establishing shots of the Bachelor mansion. Did anyone else notice that the paint was peeling and the place looked seriously dilapidated? No wonder ABC is moving these peeps out to Thailand. They've probably all been breathing mold and asbestos!

Cupcake goes for a stroll on the beach and in voice over, we hear her say that she really misses Bentley and she can't stop thinking about him. I'm really going to pray to Jesus Christ that ABC put Ashley up to saying all this so they could amp the tension and keep the spirit of Bentley alive. If this is genuinely how Ash is feeling-- the girl needs a beating.

Speaking of needing a beating, Ash's outfits make Britney Spears look like Blake fucking Lively. We're talking red daisy dukes, a white bikini top, and a wife beater...tied in a knot with some weird cut out hole in it. Is it just me or does she seriously look like a girl in a homemade porno?

The best part of this episode is when Cupcake sits down with Annie the concierge to help plan her dates in Thailand. Ash tells her she has twelve guys coming there and Annie clearly thinks she's dealing with a prostitute. What is the point of this scene? To showcase Ashley's terrible ensemble? To feature an Asian person? No offense to Annie, but we all know the show's producers plan the dates...not Ashley. Halfway through their conversation, I start thinking how much more entertaining the show would be this season if Annie was The Bachelorette instead of Ash. That would be so hot!

The guys arrive in Thailand and Constantine gets the first one on one date. I'd like to take this moment to acknowledge the hotness that is JP. He's like a super manly non-musical theater version of Joseph Gordon Levitt...and I love him.

I'm sorry, but Constantine is NOT HOT. His hairstyle is right out of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. His head is too big and his eyes are set too close together. And every time I hear his name it makes me think of the word "constipated." But I think according to their fashion sense, they are a match made in heaven. Constantine is wearing those Adidas slippers that were popular cirqa 1994.

I love the Thai boat guy that speaks to them in his native tongue and then is like..."the waves are too big, you can't take the boat out." Um, boat guy. Clearly these two are not from Thailand, you could have opened with English.

The obligatory goofy bazaar in a foreign country scene. Cupcake and Constipated try on outfits and talk to a medicine man about love and marriage. (wait, what? He wasn't a medicine man? He just sells incense? Rip off!!!) He tells them not to try and win. Worst advice ever. Everyone knows a relationship is a fight to the death. Anyway, the daytime portion of the date ends with the two of them running down the street for no apparent reason.

Dinner time! Constipated cheers to Ash's great taste in dates. Right. Cause she came to Thailand a week before and did all the location scouting and made all the arrangements. If the girl really had to plan their dates, they'd be drinking margaritas at the nearest Chili's.

Okay, get ready. I'm about to say something nice about Cupcake. She has nice legs. And her boobs are actually bigger than mine.

Constipated seems like a pretty nice genuine guy. Back at the house though, they call him a "gamer." WHAT????? I'm so freaking gullible. He's totally just using his arsenal of lines on her. How are guys with big heads and Adidas slippers still gamers? Men have it so effing easy.

OMG. I love the fake conversation between Ben F, JP, and gay solar panel Ryan back at the house about how hard it is to compete for Ashley. hahahahahaha. This seems very rehearsed and staged to me.

Ash says her date with Constipated was perfaackt. (Thanks Georgia for correcting me on the spelling :) She gives him a rose and says she loves his realness...proving once again that this girl will believe anything you tell her.

Is it just me or is it raining a lot in Thailand, because the country is crying that Ashley and Chris Harrison are there?

Group date time! Cupcake to the guys: maybe some of you guys know, but in 2004 there was a tsunami in Thailand..." SHUT UP. She did not just say that. You know what this means, right? SHE had no idea there was a tsunami in Thailand. The guys learn they are going to renovate (i.e. paint) an orphanage for prop kids hired by ABC. JP says this speaks volumes about Ashley and that she's so selfless for wanting to do this. Uh, bitch had no choice! ABC could tell her to take a shit in her pants and she would do it.

Solar panel gay guy starts rubbing people the wrong way by giving them orders on how to paint. Ben F says there are times when his Ryan meter reaches a max. I'm kind of crushing on Ben F. He has the best commentary on the show so far. Cupcake says the guys are hardcore about this whole orphanage thing and they're not flirting with her. Get over yourself, little miss insecure attention whore.

The fake orphans run out and thank the guys for doing a half assed seizure inducing neon paint job on their orphanage. When ABC, the same network that does Extreme Home Makeover, realizes this is a major fail they book it to the store and buy bikes, hula hoops, and soccer balls.

Side note, is it really necessary for Cupcake to wear daisy dukes and another mid-riff baring 80s top in front of children? No, it's not.

I feel the need to add that Mickey is looking a little hotter to me. I think it's the hat. I dedicate this song to him.

it's time for the group date cocktail party. The guys are all wearing button downs and swim trunks and Ashley? She's wearing a bikini, NO Pants, and some crocheted top that's falling off her. Ashley and Ben F have kind of a cute flirty conversation. He goes in for a kiss and his stock plummets. It's amazing how these guys immediately turn ugly while kissing Ash. I predict Ben's gonna get the rose on this date.

Personally, I think the guys are irritated with Ryan, because he has a really good jobby job. I mean, if you sold cell phones, you'd be intimated by a guy who has his own solar paneling company too.

THAT SAID, when JP and some other guys i don't care about say that Ash will "get it" when it comes to Ryan, I suddenly realize they are speaking in code that she'll get that he's a HOMOSEXUAL. Ryan tells Ashley that he "gets along well with guys" because he's gay!!! God, I want him and Anderson Cooper to get together SO bad. It's killing me!

ABC builds really fake tension by having the guys say that if Ryan gets a rose, men are just going to walk out. Uh, right. JP and Ash dry hump and make out in the rain and aside from her being part of the equation, it's kind of hot. JP actually says to her "are you getting wet?" And I don't think he was talking about the rain. She says his kisses are magical. DUH.

JP picks her up, falls, then picks her up again and Ash waves around her stripper shoes. The other guys start getting really jealous.

Aames gets his one on one date card. Holy crap. ABC is letting her go somewhere alone with a date rapist? That's messed up.

Solar panel Ryan turns out to be a big douche stage five clinger when he pulls Ash away before she's about to give the group date rose. The guys start screaming "Goober" at him. Dude, men. Grow a pair. Goober?! Goober?! That's the only TV appropriate insult you can come up with?

My prediction was right. Ben F gets the rose on this date! Yay!

Aames and Cupcake meet up on their one on one date. Aames looks like a wax figure. I swear, if you put this guy next to a furnace he'd melt away. We learn that Aames has been to Thailand several times alone. Um, classic rich kid who goes to a foreign country by himself to RAPE PEOPLE.

Aames says he's really excited to be spending time with a really charming and beautiful woman. Hold up. Annie is on this date? Nice! Aames tells Cupcake that he came here to climb a mountain and learn how to cook and to rape people.

Another highlight of this episode. Aames: last minute is the best minute. Ash: you're cracking me up today! me: What?

Whitey and Whitey get on a canoe and go in a cave. You know Aames is super upset that the camera men are there, because witnesses are like a major turn off for rapists. Sigh. It's really pretty in Thailand and ABC splurges with an aerial shot. Aames says it's so beautiful that he can't even talk to Ashley (i.e. he doesn't want her annoying voice to ruin the moment.)

Oh shit, Aames has a knife! Watch out Ashley! He calls their date so "otherworldly." Ash tells him he's smooth and Aames says only when he feels inspired. Am I watching the Bachelorette or Gossip Girl? This guy sounds like Chuck Bass. Let's be real here. This man is way too sophisticated and smart for her.

Aames and Ash have dinner and he says all these really nice things about her, like how she looks beautiful on sea or land or dead or alive or from behind. Ash claims they are both nerdy. What is this girl trying to prove? You are not as smart as this guy! I actually kind of like Cupcake when she talks about wanting to expose her kids to more things than she was exposed to. I zone out for awhile until I hear him say "some things are beyond your control." Like getting raped, Aames? Needless to say, he gets a rose. They don't kiss at all on this date which confuses me. I thought no kissing was against the rules.

Rose ceremony time! Finally! Cupcake asks West if he's ready to move on after murdering his wife. Just kidding. That's mean. He tells her that it took him awhile, but he's ready to move forward. He actually gives a really thoughtful answer to this question that pulls at my heart strings. It also makes it completely evident that he is way too good for this girl.

Lucas comes on the screen and I literally fall asleep. How did he not get the boot on the first episode? Snooze fest.

Ash asks Ryan why he seems so happy all the time (i.e. happy = gay.) Why won't they stop beating around the bush. Ryan says he's bursting with a lot of love in his chest. Which I just don't think a straight man would ever say. Then he tells the cameras that he's really happy and guys in the military are always dealing with mortars and...what the fuck does the wars in the Middle East have to do with the bachelorette?

Ashley downloads all the info on her dates to Chris Harrison. Thanks to our loyal reader MB for pointing out to me that Chris "no personality" Harrison couldn't be less interested. You know what, I changed my mind about him. This guy has the hardest job in the world. He has to pretend to listen to Cupcake. He's nodding and saying "uh-huh" but on the inside his soul is dying.

Ash says she wants to break all the rules and add an extra rose to the ceremony which means one guy will really feel like a loser tonight. Ash proves she's callous and shallow by letting poor West go on the night that he opened up to her. Really? She wants to keep around Lucas and bug eyed blondie with the flavor saver? I don't get it.

I actually have to give big ups to Brad Womack, because I think he was a lot more sensitive and tortured about hurting people's feelings and sending them home. Ash could give two shits. Like, if it was Womack, he'd take West aside and have a private conversation with him about why he has to say good bye. Cupcake might as well just say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya."

I don't know why I feel bad for West. The guy dodged a bullet. Ash is gross and he's lucky he's been set free. The sad music and West talking about his wife breaks my heart! WHY? WHY did his wife have to die? It's just not fair. Love you, Wes. You'll find love soon.

Ash toasts the guys and tells them they are going to...wait for it...Chiang Mai! In the previews for next week, we learn some guy went all the way to Chiang Mai to talk to Ash. How much do you think ABC paid Bentley to come back on the show? I personally hope it's actually Womack making an obligatory appearance to give Ashley advice.

Oh, and lastly, when the credits roll, we see Flavor Saver do push ups while Ashley sits on his back. Now, I get why he got a rose. It all finally makes sense.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The French BLOW OFF

My maternal grandmother, Patricia, was born in 1919. This firmly supplants her in high school around 1935. This is also the year of her first and last french kiss. "I didn't know what it was all about and I still don't."

One night in high school, Patricia went on a date with a neighbor boy. Perhaps they "fancied" each other. When he stuck his tongue in her mouth she was disgusted. "What in the hell was that?" she recalls thinking. "That was the end of him." They never dated beyond that stolen french.

At age 21 Patricia met her future husband. After his one-and-a-half-years in the military, and a lot of dry dating, they married five years later. In nearly 30 years of marriage, before his passing, they never frenched. Never even attempted? "Nope," Patricia says defiantly.

Passionate kissing is such a meaningful expression of love in a relationship it's strange to think that someone lived without it most of their life. What you don't know, you may not miss. And what you try and don't like, you may be happy to live without. Of course it could just be the times. "My husband was as naive as I was," Patricia explains. "Not like you kids. You know everything by age 10."

Monday, June 13, 2011

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: Siamese Couple

Siamese Couple
function: noun
Origin: since the first two pathetic people fell in love.
Definition: those annoying couples that are attached at the hip.

(Patrick and Patty are a Siamese couple. They even have adjoining toilets, because they can't take a crap without each other.)

Siamese couples are the pits. They can't every go anywhere unless their significant other is also invited and free to go with them. They sneak attack their spouse on what was supposed to be a dude's night or a girl's night out. When they do go somewhere without them, they have to go home early. They sit on each other's laps at parties. They miss each other, while they're sleeping. They wish they had more than one penis and more than one vagina, so they could feel closer during sex. They never go on vacation without each other. They meet each other for lunch on week days. Their Facebook profile is a picture of the two of them. Their work out of choice is couple's yoga. They look alike.

It's a good thing they have each other, because no one else wants to hang out with them.

Friday, June 10, 2011

BLOW OFF Song of the day: No Scrubs by TLC

"I don't want your number (No). I don't want to give you mine and (No). I don't want to meet you nowhere (No). I don't want none of your time and (No), I don't want no scrub. A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me."

-TLC, 1999

Thursday, June 9, 2011

sexting & the BLOW OFF

I considered ignoring the whole Anthony Weiner scandal on the BLOW OFF, because honestly, writing about one political scandal per week is my limit. But I just can't get this one out of my head.

I won't focus on what an idiot the guy is or the fact that narcissistic famous men seem to think they'll never get caught (even though they've seen so many of their peers exposed). I won't even focus on how bad I feel for his classy successful pregnant wife or that I really want to know if she's been confiding in Hilary Clinton. Forget all that.

I want to focus on SEXTING.

Is it cheating?

I vote, hell yes! If the BF snooped through my phone and saw texts between me and some random internet stranger trading photos of our private parts, I'm pretty sure he'd be pissed. And if I saw the same thing on his phone, bitch be dead!

Sexting might not be as bad as actual physical penetration, but it's still a major breach in trust. It's like the equivalent of eating a slice of Entenmann's coffee cake--- you think you're being a little bit naughty without all of the guilt. But newsflash, that shit still has a lot of sugar and calories and leads to diabetes. (Yes, I just used a 90s food trend metaphor). Bottom line, if you are in a relationship... you should not be sexting or finger tweeting a third party. A few dirty acronyms between strangers is not worth hurting the people you love. In the words of Crosby, Stills, & Nash: Sext the one you're with.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

Chris Harrison, fresh from a botox appointment, arrives at the house to deliver a one on one date card. Ben C from New Orleans gets to spend the day with Cupcake and practically creams his pants. Does anyone else get the feeling this guy hasn't been inside of a vagina since the day he was born?

Ash talks about how much she's starting to fall for the men in the house...and says Bentley literally sweeps her off her feet. Oh boy. It's going to be a long show.

Ash picks Ben up in her Maserati and they head to...a dance studio. Yes, that's right. Because if you didn't know it by now, Cupcake's dance moves are unparalleled. She teaches Ben some dance clearly ripped off from the choreography to "I'm a Little Teapot." Let the record show that if Ash and a quadriplegic competed in a dance off, the quadriplegic would win. CUT TO:

The Americana. If you don't live in LA, the Americana is an outdoor mall where NO ONE ever sits on a blanket in the grass and "hangs out." Passerbys take pictures of Ashley, because she's apparently more famous than Angelina Jolie. Cupcake gets the bright idea that she and Ben should do their teapot dance. Ben looks ready to shit his pants, but goes along with it in anyway, because it'll hopefully get him one step closer to losing his virginity.

Holy crap, a flash mob?!?! This means I have to watch a variety of people in all shapes and sizes do the worst dance since the Macarena that was supposedly created by Ashley? Not cool, ABC. Not cool. Ben apparently realizes in this moment that Ash is just the kind of girl he could spend the rest of his life with. Note to contestants: Cupcake didn't plan these dates and she does not really drive a Maserati. She's not lively and spontaneous 24/7. She's in dental school.

The best part of this date is when Far East Movement comes out to sing and Ben tries to grind with Ashley. She could not be less interested in this guy. She doesn't make eye contact with him at all when they kiss! I'm willing to bet when she got home that night she scrubbed her skin raw in the shower and cried like a baby, while holding her knees to her chest.

Bashley get dinner on ABC's favorite rooftop and Ben starts rambling about how he wants to live in a bubble and be the most in love couple in the world and scream "I'm the king of the world" during sex. Note to the dudes: There is such thing as being too much of a romantic or too sensitive. It's just not hot. It's clingy and creepy. Ben is one false move away from saying he'll guard and protect Ashley's heart. Cupcake gives him a rose anyway, but it's so obvious she's doing kegel exercises and thinking about Bentley during their entire date.

Gratuitous shots of squirrels and birds. Then a super dramatic shot of the masked man on the balcony. Okay. Am I really supposed to believe that the crew decided to tape their 10,000th establishing shot of this house just as Phantom of the Opera stepped out onto the balcony? This was clearly a planned shot. You can't fool me, ABC!

Cupcake arrives for the group date and Phantom decides this is his moment to reveal his face. I don't believe it, he actually takes his mask off and no one interrupts! You can tell Ash is not into what she sees. She says Jeff looks a little older than she thought (i.e. ugly)...and while he doesn't have a penis nose like I originally suspected, it is on the large side. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I just really feel for him. He seems so slow and awkward and I worry he will never ever find love.

The guys pile into the car for their group date. They are taken to a comedy club where they meet Jeffrey Ross (whose career has clearly hit an all time low) and are told they will be doing an Ashley roast in front of a sold out audience. More like in front of an audience that was paid to be there, but why split hairs.

William sees this as his big chance to become a stand up comedian. He literally thinks if he makes one or two funny jokes about Cupcake, Jeffrey Ross will take him under his wing and together they will conquer the comedy world. Hold on a second!! I thought William came on this show to find love. Are you trying to tell me he actually came on to do his G.W. impersonation and get discovered? He's like every other person from Middle America that comes to LA and thinks they'll get famous? I don't believe it. I won't believe it.

The guys bomb on stage and basically making 5th grade jokes about Ashley's flat chest. I'm seriously disappointed in these men. Is this the best they can do? I mean, where are the jokes about Cupcake's hooker outfits? Her fake eyelashes? Her shitty ass dance moves? Her bangs??? Total let down.

William isn't even funny except for the dig of all digs when he says all the guys wanted Emily or Chantal to be The Bachelorette. Let's pause for a second. It wasn't just the guys. This is from our very own recap of The Bachelor finale:

...then, I become severely depressed when I find out that Chantal is not going to be the next Bachelorette. That was the only reason I was okay with her not getting the final rose...Turns out, the next bachelorette is going to be Ashley "I'm still in dental school and I say 'like' 8o times in one episode and I now look like a hooker" H. I really don't know if I can watch her. Her face is a herpe on my TV screen.

Anyway, the audience gasps at William's joke even though they don't know who Chantal and Emily are. Cupcake looks like she's going swallow her own tongue. William says "this was was a roast, not compliment Ashley night." He's quickly becoming my new favorite.

Cupcake goes in some dark corner of the club and pretends to ball her eyes out. Seriously, did anyone see real tears??? Bentley sees this as an opportunity to "mess with her head" and pretends to console her. Bent says that he hates when people cry, because it's so unattractive--- and I immediately make the decision to never cry again. What is it with this guy? He's such a snake, but somehow, I'm desperate for his approval.

Anyway, this is one of the best scenes of this episode, because if you go back and watch it again, Bentley looks like he's one false move away from cracking up (especially when he calls her the best dancer in the world.) And then he tells her her tits are great even though they're small and they go into a Beavis & Butthead laugh together.

Side note, I love how Bentley doesn't even have the stamina to fully enunciate when he's around Ashley. It's like she's not worth exerting the energy to form actual words.

Ash continues to humiliate herself by saying that Bentley really knows how to comfort her and he's real and blah blah blah. Wow, this girl is making Ali Fedotowsky look like a freaking rocket scientist. Can we just take a moment to acknowledge that she was already told he had ulterior motives, but she's still giving him the "please, can I suck your dick" eyes. Sad, sad, girl.

Rooftop time! This season is super low budge. Where are the helicopters? Cupcake tells all the guys that she was really insecure about the fact that everyone would be disappointed that Emily wasn't the bachelorette and that's why she got so upset at the roast. I guess I give her a little credit for being honest, but I wish she would have just played it cool. Plus, am I the only one that thinks Emily is kind of lame and boring? All the girl does is talk about her dead boyfriend and little Ricki. New topic, please.

William apologizes to Ash and tries so hard to shed a tear, he accidentally poops his pants. He tells her to go hang out with the other guys and then runs away to get the poop out of his boxers. The dramatic shots of him walking around Hollywood are so fantastic. The only thing that would be more dramatic right now is if he got gang banged by a motley crew of tranny hookers. Um wait, is he actually sitting at the bus stop? Willy, this is LA. You can't take the bus back to the valley.

I know the key moment of this episode is when Bentley blows off Cupcake, but let's not brush over my other favorite scene. The formerly masked man tells Ashley he adopted a three legged dog that was abused...and she once again looks like she's doing kegel exercises while thinking about Bentley. Stop with the kegels, girlfriend...the man does not want to fuck you.

After William waits for the bus for a REALLY long time, he decides to go back to the party. Gay Ryan lies and tells Ash that she was the person he wanted to be here, but we all know he's hot for Harrison. Needless to say, he gets the rose.

Back at the house, JP gets the next one on one date. Is it just me or does this guy get more and more attractive? Best. Smile. Ever. He's my number one, next to Bentley of course.

This is seriously the group date that never ends. Another gem of a scene between Bentley and Ashley. She tells him that before she arrived she heard Bentley was just on the show to promote his business and that she should watch out for him. This is where Bentley really proves he has super powers. He basically says NOTHING to reassure her and she still gets really happy and LITERALLY bats her eyes at him. She then says "I feel like I can trust him forever." The woman's movement just took two giant leaps backwards.

BTW, what is this business Bentley is promoting? The business of being a total bad ass?! I know you guys might hate him, but I'm totally enamored. I guess I find him completely fascinating. The man is a master manipulator. His imaginary daughter is going to have the most fucked up relationships ever!

Cupcake paces by her swimming pool and gets a massive headache from trying to make it look like she's forming thoughts in her brain. She, no joke, actually says she totally fell in love with Bentley last night and that if it were up to her, she'd grab Bentley and go to Salt Lake City. WTF? How many days have they even been filming this shit? I'm guessing less than a week. She's basically had three conversations with the dude and she's in love with him? The man is not THAT hot. Bitch deserves what's coming.

Bentley breaks all of our hearts by deciding he's bored being on this show. Cupcake isn't his type. He wants to get on the first plane back, ASAP. The look on formerly masked man's face is priceless when Bentley tells him he's leaving.

I LOVE that Bentley's excuse for departing the show is that he misses his daughter. He calls the rest of the guys tools for believing him. Then he says he is not attracted to Ashley at all and would never fall in love with her. Someone tell me this girl has been on suicide watch since this episode aired.

Another classic Bentley line: I'm gonna make Ashley cry, but I hope my hair looks okay.

I am so depressed he's leaving. This show is going to suck the big one without him. That said, I can't wait for the Men Tell All special. That shit is going to be off the hizzy!

I don't even know what to say about the scene where Bentley lies to Ashley and tells her he's leaving because of his daughter. The guy actually said in his interview that Emily was such a stand out that Ashley looked like an ugly duckling compared to her! Snap!

Side note, what was up with Bentley saying he's freaking out in his head and needs to "poop it out?" I think he might be a little Autistic. As soon as he walks into the door, Ash is on him like white on rice. Note to Cupcake: humping a guy the second he walks through the door is not attractive. I mean, someone obviously didn't hold her enough as a little girl.

Ashley can't stop crying when she learns her future husband is leaving. Bentley lies and says how hard this is. She does the classic Bachelorette move by wrapping her legs around his waist. Ugh! This dude is Satan! He actually tells Ash that this is just a " dot dot" to their relationship and not a period. I would give anything to be a fly on the wall when Ash watched this episode. I mean, what did her face look like when she heard Bentley say she's not someone he's smitten by, but the type of girl he would hook up with "now and then". hahahahahahaha. Thanks to our loyal reader achoochu for sending me Ashley's account of how she felt watching last night's episode. It almost makes me feel bad for her. (good news though! The blog post says this won't be the last we see of Bentley. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!)

Anyway, Bentley leaves and Ashley gets under the covers and sobs her head off. Now, I finally understand why ABC wanted her to be the Bachelorette. She's a train wreck.

P.S. Why is there a container of Vaseline right next to Ashley's bed? Did she let Bentley stick it in her butt and that's why she's this upset?

P.P.S. Even after Bentley leaves after "two weeks" (or four days depending on the production schedule), Ash still doesn't think he was just there to promote his business? That's exactly what Mich-Hell told her he was doing. How much dumber can this girl get???

Poor JP has to go on a date with Cupcake when she's all bent out of shape over Bentley. She's really scared now that she won't find her husband after all. Clearly, JP is a knight in shining armor. Not only is he totally sweet to her, but he also puts up with her whiny ass bitch face. They have a little pajama party and although it pains me to say it, Cupcake looks the cutest she has all season in her glasses and pajama pants. I actually really like these two together. I can't for the life of me figure out why he's on this show. I really want him to be the next Bachelor, but I heard from a reliable source that Aames (AKA date rapist) wins that title.

JP gets a rose and Cupcake makes me proud for the first time when she votes for JP over Bentley in the kiss department.

Rose ceremony time. Just when a very tiny part of me the size of a hair follicle was starting to like Ashley, she makes me hate her all over again with what should honestly go down as the most HIDEOUS Bachelorette outfit of all time. We're talking skanky short sequined dress that only accentuates Cupcake's lack of boobage...AND a hideous fake necklace. I can't even think of a funny enough simile for what her make up looks like. Nevermind. I can. She looks exactly like that chubby lady from The Drew Carey show.

Chris Harrison lays down the law for Ash and basically reads her an excerpt from the book He's Just Not That Into You. For once--- and I can't believe I'm saying this--- I kind of like Harrison. You can tell it's taking all his will power not to slap the shit out of her.

Dr. Ashley is too upset to have a cocktail party and wants to go straight to the rose ceremony (AKA, the show is already running long and they know they'll never have time to include a rose ceremony). The show tries to build suspense and make us think that William is getting the boot, but cute dimples trump everything and he gets a rose. Poor Jeff (Formally known as the masked man) gets ousted along with some guy that I swear I have never seen before in my life. I for one can't believe half the guys didn't walk out after seeing Ash's outfit. How did their penises not instantly fall off?

Jeff leaves the show and throws his mask into the fire, sending toxic fumes into the environment and hopefully poisoning all the contestants.

That's it for this week. Stay tuned for episode four where Cupcake and her white boys go to Thailand. I cannot wait to see some Asian people on this show!

BTW, if my recaps aren't good enough for you--- good news! You can watch Emily's recaps instead! Here's her reaction to episode 2. Enjoy...Suckahs!