Friday, July 29, 2011
How's this for a blow off note?:
"We found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me,
So many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note
I told him
I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree
Don't try to find me,
Please don't you dare
Just live in my memory,
You'll always be there"
(according to Wikipedia, this song was originally recorded by Dobie Gray in 1979)
WTF. This chick is desperate for a baby, she picks up a hitchhiker to impregnate her!!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
When I was a little kid I had this recurring fantasy that I would meet the boy of my dreams on vacation with my family. I was probably only eight years old at the time, but I was also obsessed with The Baby-sitter's Club and those sluts used to always meet boys on vacation. This is how it would go: we would look at each other from across the room at Circus, Circus (Reno, not Las Vegas), it would be love at first sight, and he'd win me one of those giant furry teddy bears. Then, we would be pen pals until we turned eighteen and were old enough to get married.
This fantasy never happened. And back then, I was too young to know that meeting someone on vacation was a shitty ass idea that would only lead to a bad case of STDs and a funky tan line. Or something even worse...a long distance relationship.
If you know me personally, you might be asking...."hold up, Saaaara. Aren't you marrying someone you met on vacation?" NO. First of all, we were on a business trip. Second of all, we knew each other from before. Third of all, we were in Disney World. Who goes to Disney World for a vacation?! weird people.
So, without further adieu, here's my most heartbreaking "I met a guy on vacation" story.
I was in high school. I went on a trip to this resort in the Catskills with my family (it was always Reno or the Catskills). There was this really Hot Guy who was way out of my league and thought I was a total tool. Oh yeah, and he was a dance instructor. As it turned out, his dance partner totally got knocked up by some D-bag and needed to abort the mission (if you know what I mean). But back-alley abortions weren't easy to come by back then and getting one meant she had to skip a really important dance performance. So, naturally Hot Guy asked me to fill in for her.
Wha? I couldn't dance! Initially, we had this total love-hate relationship, but then we danced in the lake and did goofy lip syncs to oldies songs and that totally bonded us. I kicked ass at the show, but that same night Hot Guy's dance partner was like gushing blood from her botched abortion. Apparently, the "doctor" showed up with a dirty knife and a folding table! Luckily, my dad was also a doctor back then, so I got him to help out. He was SO pissed at me for hanging out with the help and borrowing money from him to pay for people's abortions (Yes, I paid for for the dirty knife and the folding table). After everything was said and done, I went to visit Hot Guy in his room and he totally pushed me away. I looked him right in the eye and told him how scared I was of walking out of his room and never feeling my whole life the way I felt when I was with him. We started dancing and then we totally boned! There was also some stuff about stolen wallets, but that subplot always gets fuzzy. Anyway, at the end of the vacay Hot Guy crashed the resort's final dance and pulled me on stage to dance with him in front of everyone! And then...
he never called me.
wait, what? That didn't happen to me? That's the entire plot of Dirty Dancing? Okay, so I guess my childhood fantasies never came true. Full disclosure: none of my vacation hook ups are exciting enough to report (except the one where I end up marrying the guy. I am allowed to change my mind, Disney World totally counts!)
If you have any good or bad "we're on vacation, let's make out" stories, please send them to us at email@example.com. All the names will be changed to protect the innocent.
sigh. they just don't make movie stars like Patrick Swayze anymore. :(
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I've also now decided it's my duty to parcel out hair and make up tips to the team at The Bachelorette. Take it easy with the mascara! Ash's eyelids look like they're going to stick to her face. Also, cool it on the hooker outfits.
Anyway, some surprise guest shows up in Fiji to talk to Ashley and I'm guessing it's Brad Womack. Let's not forget, Ash screwed things up between her and Brad on fantasy suite night (when she wouldn't let him put it in her pooper) and now he's here to give her advice. Or maybe it's just Chris Harrison and the look of shock (pictured above) is that she can't actually believe he flew to Fiji instead of shooting all his scenes in front of a green screen.
OMG. It's GAY RYAN???!!!! Wow. This guy is so far into the closet, he's actually flown all the way to Fiji to prove he's hetero. Please tell me ABC offered to pay him a shitload of money to come here or dangled a chance at being The Bachelor. This trip totally increased his carbon footprint! This is so pathetic. I'm so embarrassed for him. Poor Ash. I actually feel sorry for her.
Ash is so surprised to see Ryan that she says "whoa" more times than Joey did on Blossom. Dude, Ryan. You did not get dumped because your date was not conducive to romance. This had nothing to do with Tai Chi. She's just not that into you! I would not be mad at Ashley if she punched him in the face right now. And she should kick Chris Harrison in the nut sack for letting this guy come back. Oh no. What's with the music? Is she actually going to let him stick around? Ryan pours his heart out, then tells her there's no need for a response (only people on reality TV say that shit) and gives her his hotel room number.
It's no coincidence that Ryan is here on Fantasy Suite night. He is totally hoping he'll have sex with a woman for the first time. Cupcake is the girl he wants to give his V card to.
Ben gets the first Fantasy suite date which is super lucky, because it means he doesn't have to stick his peen in another guy's left over jiz. Perfaccckkkt. Ben says he hasn't seen Ashley in a really long time. How long? I'm dying for some behind the scenes scoop on this show. They get on a boat and it's so super windy that Ben's new haircut looks like a Justin Bieber bowl cut. Ben tells Ash some BS about how much his mom and sister liked her. Please. His family was way too high class for this chick.
Don't get me wrong. I think Ben is cute. He's got this brunette Dax Shepard quality. But every time he whispers about being happy and says things like "giddy little school kids" I find him repulsive. And it will take me years of therapy to get over the image of Cupcake straddling him and applying suntan lotion on his chest. Did anyone catch it when he said "thanks for all your hard work" and Ash-tard said "thanks for all your hard work." She was totally talking about his skinny boner!
They go snorkeling. The music gets ultra-dramatic. Ben says he's into Ashley. They have their little night time date and surprise, surprise...it's an outdoor meal on the beach. Real original, ABC. WTF. Ben is going to tell Ashley that he loves her? Let's just end the show now. She'll never be able to resist the first guy that says the L word. Best part of this scene is when Ben says "today was perfect." and Ashley corrects him and says "perffaccckkkt." Is it possible this girl just really doesn't know how the word is pronounced? At least she's not wearing any eye make up, she looks so much better!
I'm not gonna lie. I kind of think it's cute how nervous Ben is about saying the L word. Even though he can't possibly mean it. I also love that Ben says he wasn't "available" two months ago. Right. Cause all guys who are not available decide to go on The Bachelorette. Okay, so instead of telling her he loved her, he said "I'm on my way to the whole I love you thing." Cop out.
For the last time, it is so super creepy that the fantasy suite invite comes from Chris Harrison. How much do you want to bet he shows up in the middle of the night in leather chaps and some handcuffs? Ash and Ben go off to the fantasy suite to have sex for the second time. Because, I'm sorry, they totally did it in Taiwan. Vomit. Do we really need to see them make out in the pool? This date has premium cable soft porn written all over it.
Next date is with Constantine. He gets so super excited to see a helicopter (the first of the season!) that I finally understand why he came on this show. He just wanted to ride a helicopter. Ashley, on the helicopter, says she's got a Greek God to her left and the water below her. Dude. Ash! He's not a piece of meat! He's a person, with feelings, and a bucket list that includes things like helicopter rides and reality TV shows.
Oh no, here we go. Psycho Ryan walking around, wondering when Ashley will show up and offer her vagina on a silver platter. He is a stage five clinger. He should leave the country, no other woman OR man for that matter will ever date him again.
I like Constantine in this episode, even though he has kind of a gut. He's so excited about everything-- helicopters and waterfalls are his jam. He and Cupcake go for a swim and she says she got water in her brain. (No, really. That's not a joke. That is verbatim what she said.) Ash makes Constantine feel like shit, because he looked at 108 houses before buying one. WTF Cupcake! The man is a homeowner. And he's your physical ideal. And you have a teeny apartment in Philly and still haven't gotten your dental degree. Stop being a little bitch. So, Constantine isn't in love with you after hanging out three times. Do you know what that makes him?
A NORMAL PERSON.
Dinner time. Outdoors. Ugh. These dates are so predictable. And by predictable I mean Ashley's always dressed like a ho. I love when Ash asks Constantine if it's weird that he and his bestie are dating the same girl. He's basically like-- no, it's totally cool. I'm not interested in you at all. OMG. It's so obvious that Ash-tard is just keeping this poor guy around because she wants to bang his hotness. This guy is just way too sweet to be on this show and Ash is just way too insecure to be on the show. Could you imagine if you grilled a guy about whether he liked your or not four dates in? Bitch is crazy!
Constantine tells Ashley that he's not ready to ask her to marry him. He has too much respect for himself (and her) to do that. And then....wait for it.....he tells her this means it's the end of the road for him. HE JUST DUMPED HER. and denied her the fantasy suite. Looks like Ashley isn't going to see the guy she's most physically attracted to naked after all. He basically just turned down getting laid. Snap! Like I said, he was just in this for the helicopters and the waterfalls.
Does this mean she's going to take Ryan back? Honestly. She should. He's the only that will ever truly love her. while having sex with men on the side.
Ash goes to pay Ryan a visit. If you're feeling any suspense right now--- don't. She's definitely going to dump him again. Dude. This guy is just so overeager. It's not attractive. And he's got a bad case of the crazy eyes. I won't bore you with the details. She tells him exactly what she told him in Taiwan. She doesn't feel the passion. And then she says she's already found what she's looking for...with two guys. Don't tell that to the guy who has no one!
Maybe I need to give Ryan a little more credit. Maybe he's just an aspiring actor and wanted the extra screen time. God, I hope so.
Yay, it's finally time for the JP date! and Ash is dressed like a cross between Daisy Duke and Pocahantas. I really kind of buy them as a couple. I actually like Ash a little more when she's with JP. Am I on crack? I might need an intervention.
They get on a little plane and the ultra dramatic music comes in. Does Ben F ever get the ultra dramatic music? (He does, it's in this recap.) Hmmmm...I'm starting to think JP is the ONE. Is it just me or does she just seem more excited to show him all the little surprise date stuff?
Who is this ex-girlfriend that broke JP's heart so bad? Was she out of her fucking mind?
Ash and JP basically frolic around in the water and make out. Then, they...wait for it...have an outdoor dinner.
Ewww, when she tells JP she said good bye to two guys this week, of course he's going to assume that she's talking about the Geico Caveman brothers. I love how she tells him that she and Constantine mutually decided to call things off. Uh, that's not how I remember it. Your ass got BLOWN OFF, Hostess Cupcake. The look on JP's face is classic when he hears that Ryan came back. Then Ash basically tells JP he has to tell her he loves her before she'll pick him. But he can't do that just yet. Then, JP totally blushes when he reads the fantasy suite card. Sigh. He's the cutest!
hahahahaha, they go into the fantasy suite and Ash comes out wearing a white dress shirt. Um. I saw that last season when Chantal wore one for Brad Womack.
Rose ceremony. Another boring conversation between Chris and Ashley. Ash is wearing yet another sparkly hooker dress and horrible make up. Chris points out that there's only two guys left so why have a rose ceremony? Maybe because this show is two freaking hours long and the rose ceremony is boring ass filler.
No big surprise. Ben and JP both accept their roses. The dramatic pauses were way over the top and ridiculous this week.
I think Ash did pretty darn well for herself. If I had to pick two guys out of the group she had, JP and Ben would have been it (well, except for the butcher. God, I miss him.) My money was on JP-- I don't think Ash wants to deal with the whole dead dad thing and the sad uptight Sonoma family...seriously, compare Ben F's pearl necklace sister to Ash's Kat Von D wannabe sis. That would never work. BUT THEN that little toe thing at the end of the credits with Ben F really threw me. They just look like they have more fun together than Ash and JP. Ugh. I'm so confused. ABC, how do you do this to me every time???
But honestly, who cares about the final rose next week. I can't wait for the bitch fight between Ash and her sister. After seeing Ash's sis and mom talk about her, it all became crystal clear to me. Cupcake is one of those girls that brings home a new guy every month and tells her family she's in love with him. Did you see the look on their faces? They are SO over her. Just like Constantine. Just like me. Just like Chris Harrison.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
1. Cheating isn't always about sex, how many times have you heard and been dumbfounded that the people they were cheating on was way hotter than the people they cheated with? Cheating is primarily based on emotional disconnect and even good people cheat (including good people in sexually satisfied relationships). DON'T REACH FOR THE GUN JUST YET.
2. Good people in happy relationships can have an off day, where work/money/kids are wildcards that drive the off days, but the most important factor to cheating is opportunity (according to Private Investigators that specialize in extramarital affairs). Over 64%(men) and 43%(women) of infidelity cases happens with a co-worker or a friend who happens to be there at the right time...sorry, maybe go get that gun after all.
3. Biologists have long understood that monogamy is rare in mammals, therefore societal/religious codes against infidelity adapted by human culture is suppressing "natural" instincts...(I happen to know at least 5 individuals who have walked away from Dorian Gray himself/Cat Woman herself, maybe a kiss or two was exchanged but they didn't take the opportunity). FEEL BETTER?
4. Once a cheater, always a cheater is the biggest cliché and proponent of brainless tv shows (which I'm guilty of watching). I also happen to know people who have cheated, realized the grass is not greener on the other side and are now in better relationships (okay, here's the catch, they were never found out...you may say that's totally unhealthy to keep up a lie, I strongly disagree. If the partner suspects, has facebook facts, yeah come clean. Otherwise I think it can be more damaging to cause unnecessary pain when you TRULY have learned the lesson). On the other side of the rainbow, sometimes people end up with the person they had the affair with...that's when I would appreciate the truth whether it's easing one's conscience or giving the other person closure.
5. If you think your virtuous-moral compass can keep you on the straight and narrow path forever you might be jinxing yourself for a threesome. No one wanted to believe our founding fathers were getting side action on the clock...I would never want to believe my dad is capable of something indecent. Gross. But I don't want to jinx myself either. My point being if something did reveal itself, try to hold back on judgment and try to understand. Yes, it feels like getting all your teeth extracted without Novocaine. Yes, be angry but get over it. Yes, call them horrible names but some times people are sincerely sorry and deserve a second chance.
*I haven't mentioned love once, because we all think cheating means not loving one's partner, unless you're a decrepit old man in pajamas who lives in a rabbit-esque mansion with girls who have low self esteem. What I have found in my research and reflecting on personal/other people's experiences shows it's entirely possible to love one's partner while cheating on them. I know that concept sounds really French, and it doesn't give anyone a free pass to cheat. However, it's something to consider if you think you want to mend the relationship.
Monday, July 25, 2011
My companion was a ghetto fabulous black female with sumptuous proportions, straight cut black bangs, an expensive bag, halfheartedly skimming an issue of People magazine. Before you start stereotyping, I will save you some energy and let you know that she WAS every stereotype.
Everything from, not swimming, giant diamond rings bought on credit, 2 babies with different baby-daddies, (most recent of which was in prison for being an accomplice to murder) and most importantly she was a high end Vegas stripper who had been propositioned by the likes of Mike Tyson, Michael Jordan, and Nelly. We had a generally delightful time giving each other shit, bantering back and forth and taking periodic breaks for her to smoke.
All her qualities were perfectly agreeable and in fact ideal for an "airport buddy" save for one. She had two cell phones and answered them alternately without apology often for 20 minutes at a time and most heinously, WHILE talking to airline employees. An example at the United Customer Service desk: "I ain't fin to sit this airport all day!... hold on Luscious...I ain't fin to sit here and..." I think to her it was part of being a sassy independent woman. NAY.
So, to all the single ladies, all the single ladies, I encourage you to flaunt what you got, play to win, and be the full blossom of your femininity...but just remember to have manners. Treat everyone the same way you would treat a 75 year old man at Whole Foods, you know with the common courtesy your parents taught you back when you were 7. Character is the sexiest quality in a woman...Character and a nice black ass.
Friday, July 22, 2011
"If you see me walking by and the tears are in my eyes, look away, baby look away...if we meet on the street someday and I don't know what to say, look away, baby look away. Don't look at me, I don't want you to see me this way."
P.S. This is the most amazing music video ever. And it was the #1 song of 1989.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
10. Don't ever ask us if we're on our periods or if we're about to get our periods or if we're PMSing. Under no circumstances is this allowed. Sounds obvious, right? Then why do so many of you still do it?! We know what you're really trying to say is "cause you're being an uppity bitch" OR "I don't have to listen to whatever you're upset about, because if you weren't on your period you wouldn't be acting like Kate Gosselin on a bad day." You are totally allowed to say this...in your head, but this is a lose-lose scenario. If we're not on our period-- than you've just pointed out the fact that we're emotional basket cases all the time. If we are on our period, then you're a fucking dead man.
9. Get over your fear of period sex. And if you can't, then don't ask for a blow job unless you are going to cover that shit in Hershey's chocolate syrup. If we're feeling bloated, crampy, gassy, migraine-y, and suicidal BUT we still feel like giving you a blow job, then we'd be giving you one.
8. Remember that scene in No Strings Attached where Ashton Kutcher shows up with cupcakes and a Period Mix CD? Do that shit.
7. Don't treat us like we're lepers. Yeah, maybe we could use a little space, but when you're already feeling gross and ugly, it's just salt in the wound when you're boyfriend stops calling you and blocks you on Facebook.
6. Don't go down on us unless you're Edward Cullen. We said get over period sex. We did not say get over period oral sex. That story about the guy that pulls out that girl's tampon with his teeth is just an urban legend, right? right? RIGHT?
5. I know I'm reaching for the stars, sun, and moon here, but what if you made us a little period care package? Some Ibuprofen, a DVD of Steel Magnolias, those really warm cozy socks, an issue of US weekly, a box of tampons, and a bag of ho-hos. Just try it out and see what happens. We will most likely blow you. Well, I won't. I'll be too busy eating ho-hos and getting a panic attack when Julia Roberts goes into a diabetic fit (will somebody get her some god damn orange juice!)
4. Be perfect.
3. But not so perfect where we feel bad about not being perfect.
2. Don't leave us for an older woman just because she's going through menopause and you don't have to worry about her raining blood on your parade. Didn't I warn you that menopause is even worse? Don't you know how many pills and creams and injections it takes just for Suzanne Somers not to turn into a man? And don't leave us for a girl who hasn't gotten her period yet, because that would make you a pedophile.
1. If we get too tired and cranky, follow us into the bathroom and offer to change our tampons for us. Hahahahaha, totally kidding. It was worth it just to see the looks on your faces. SUCKAH's!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Anyway. The episode starts with Ash back at home in Philly. Her place basically looks like George Clooney’s apartment in Up in the Air. And it’s tiny. No wonder this girl agreed to do the show, bitch needed the cash! We get a boring little recap of how Cupcake feels about her four boyfriends.
Constantine. We get it, Ashley. He’s everything you wanted physically in a guy. This girl is so shallow. Who runs around with an image in their head of exactly what they want physically? If he’s got a working penis and isn’t morbidly obese, sign me up! I really wish Ash could say exactly what she’s thinking--- she’s keeping Constantine around ‘til fantasy date night so she can fuck him proper.
Ben F. I still think he’s the frontrunner. Think about it. He kind of looks like Constantine, but instead of working in a totally generic pizza place in Cumming, Georgia that people only go to when they’re poor or can’t get a reservation anywhere else…Ben has his own winery in Sonoma. AND some tech job in San Diego that he never seems to talk about, but who cares. Ashley hasn’t even finished dental school.
Ames. Unique. Humble. Smart. These are the adjectives Ashley uses to describe him. This guy is toast.
JP. Oh man, his hotness keeps catching me off guard. She says she feels like she’s known him forever. That’s exactly how I feel about him!!! Like I’ve known him since I was a fetus and he was a four year old.
Ash packs a bag (yeah, cause she actually wears her own clothes?) and hails a cab to Georgia. Did anyone else think she actually looked kind of cute in that dress she was wearing…which the show’s wardrobe department probably had nothing to do with?
First hometown date! Ash arrives in Orgasmville, oops, I mean Cumming, Georgia where she’s reunited with Constantine in some random park. I love how she frolics toward him and he totally takes his sweet time getting to her. You know the guy just wants to hang out with his family and is super annoyed he has to bring Dental Hygienist along for the ride. First, Constantine takes Ashley to his family restaurant in a strip mall and teaches her how to make pizza. Apparently, it’s all about the arrangement of the pepperoni. They have lunch outside and drink what I imagine to be pretty watered-down house Chianti. A couple cute waitresses work at Constantine’s restaurant and when I asked the fiancé if he thought Connie had penetrated any of them, he said--- without missing a beat--- “definitely.”
My favorite part of this entire episode might have to be the shot of all the waitresses looking out the window at Ash and Constantine and fawning over how cute they are together. This was so cringe worthy and embarrassing and so super set up. And is just salt in the wound to these ladies who once let Andre the Giant stick it in their butt holes.
Constantine finally takes Ashley home after putting it off for as long as possible. OMG. His family hung a banner outside the house for him. I love them already. Constantine’s family is super cute and super Greek. I’m instantly obsessed with his father Dimitri. I want to call him every time I need advice on my love life. I want him to have his own talk show and his own column on The Blow Off. And I want to pinch his cheeks.
I hate to say anything nice about Ashley, but I have to give her a little credit for being nice and pleasant with all these families. If I had to meet four families in one week, I’d be a raging drunken bitch by the last house. Even if I was getting paid $100K a pop. She’s kind of an evil genius when it comes to these mothers too. Did you notice how she got Constantine’s mother to believe that she would actually move to Cumming, Georgia and that she wasn’t just keeping her son around for a hard core boning?
In the end, Constantine’s family wins him a lot of points. They’re loud and boisterous and right out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, minus an appearance by Joey Fatone. I also find it a little suspect that they gush over Ashley for catching on to their traditional Greek dance so quickly, because “she’s a dancer.” Um. That dance did not look hard at all. Even Stephen Hawking could do it.
Time to go to Chadds Ford, PA to meet Ames’s family. Here’s what I wasn’t surprised by: Ames’s family has an indoor swimming pool, they all talk like they’re reciting an essay, and they don’t like to discuss the fact that Ames is a robot. Here’s what I was surprised by: Ames doesn’t have a rich powerful father that bails him out of date rape charges. In fact, both his father and stepfather died of cancer. Tears! His poor mother! Another surprise was that they’re all slightly inbred looking. Did you notice that ABC cropped Ames’s brother out of every shot? It’s like Deliverance meets Ordinary People in Chadds Ford!
In all seriousness, I really liked Ames’s sister—Serena Van Der Woodsen. She was smart and direct with Ashley. I also loved that she told Ames that Cupcake was closer to the other guys than him and they had a full on strategy session on how he could fix that. I’m willing to bet my life that a power point presentation was part of this sequence and it ended up on the cutting room floor.
The one thing that really confuses me about Ames is when he describes Ashley as brilliant. What kind of girls has this guy been dating? Is he like trolling the halls of Special Ed classes? The man went to Yale, Harvard, and Columbia. How could he possibly think Ashley is brilliant? If he went out on a date with me, he’d probably tell me I was the female Mark Zuckerberg.
Ames decides to play the romance card and takes Ashley to meet his favorite Magnolia tree. They have a picnic and Ashley tells him he’s unlike any guy she’s ever met. Ames accidentally misinterprets this as a good thing. He tells her some story about the Italian Renaissance and Sprezotoro-something and I literally rewind this sequence and make the fiancé watch it twice, while informing him that we’ve reached the point in our relationship where I need him to start talking to me exactly like this.
Ames uses some adjective to describe their date that no one ever uses in daily conversation—like magnificent or enticing or splendid.
Off to Sonoma, CA. Northern California, REPRESENT! Even though I’m still not convinced Ben F is a legitimate wine guy, I’m super into this whole set up. Ben and Cupcake start their date off with a picnic and he pours wine for them out of his own barrels. SEXY. Except, I think Ben makes wine the same way my uncle does (in his backyard) and that this is some stranger’s winery that ABC got a permit to use. Sorry to ruin it for you.
Side note, how many of you think Ashley and Ben totally effed in Taiwan? The way they talk about their last date…it’s so obvious something went down. Someone got fingered and someone got their dick sucked and I’m not telling you who did what.
I hate how Ashley makes such a big deal about the fact that Ben F has only brought one other girl home to meet his family. I don’t think that’s weird. Ashley needs to stop judging. Just because she brings home every guy that Facebook friends her doesn’t mean the rest of us have to.
After their picnic, Ben takes Cupcake to his mom’s house. Ben’s family seems perfectly nice, but they’re probably the most uptight of all the hometown dates. But you can’t really blame them. Ben’s dad died and how does Ben honor his memory? By going on The Bachelorette (to promote his wine). Ben’s mom keeps saying how proud his dad would be of him right now. WHY?!? Why would he proud of him for going on the 15th season of some terrible reality television show? I also love how Ben’s mom mentions that his dad’s birthday is tomorrow. Ben tries to play it off like he actually knew that, but the guy is clueless.
Hot couple alert: I want someone to set up Julia (Ben F’s sister) with Ames. The girl wears pearls. She’d be perfect for him!
Did anyone else fall way more in love with Ben F when he started crying over his dad though? Dudes, if you’re reading this, you need to cry more. It’s hotter than having a six-pack. He’s definitely my second favorite, but I’m slightly turned off when he gets all soft spoken and talks about how happy he is. I feel like there’s a pretty good chance he does a baby voice during sex.
Last stop on the hometown date train! Roslyn, NY. Sigh. JP. He takes Cupcake roller-skating and it’s the cutest date ever! Especially when they start playing REO Speedwagon. This is when I pause the television and tell the fiancé that I not only want him to teach me the ways of the Italian Renaissance, but I want him to take me to roller-rinks and county fairs too.
JP and Ashley seem pretty into each other. They kiss a lot and they are really affectionate. I totally buy them as a couple, but my gut tells me that JP won’t make it all the way. He confides to Ashley that he’s ONLY brought home 4 girls to meet his parents. Only? WTF. I guess I should have introduced the guy with ear wax build up to my mom and dad.
JP takes Ashley home and all my hopes are completely dashed. Wait for it. JP does not have a hot brother. He has a brother. He’s just not hot and his name is ROY. But he seems really nice and sincere so I won’t rag on him too much.
Okay. I am dying for JP’s ex-girlfriend to sell her story to US weekly, because everyone keeps talking about how they never want to see him as heartbroken as he was with the last girl. Dude! JP totally tried to kill himself and was checked into the loony bin. Think about it! They would not be referencing it over and over again if he was just laying in bed for two weeks listening to The Scientist by Coldplay on repeat. Well, maybe they would. But I get serious psychotic break vibes here. I heart JP, but I’m not sure I’d want to be with a guy that was that torn up over an ex. It would just make me feel like he might still be in love with her. This is when the fiancé starts telling me about some slut named Christy that broke his heart and I had to be like “uh, no one asked.” That’s a lie. I actually paused the TV and told him to tell me EVERYTHING. NOW. They went on five dates and she told him she didn’t want anything serious. Yes. That was his biggest heartbreak in life. It pales in comparison to me taking valium and drinking a bottle of wine to fall asleep after a bad first date.
Overall, I think Constantine had the best family (I’m looking at you, Dimitri), but JP had the best mom. She was SO sweet to Ashley and she didn’t even ask her if she was willing to convert to Judaism. And how much did you love JP’s Bar Mitzvah picture? He totally looked like a recurring character on Saved By The Bell.
Hallelujah! We are back the Bachelor mansion. And look who decided to show up. Chris Harrison. OR an animatronic Chris Harrison that’s trained to nod and pretend to listen to Ashley and not tell her that she’s not wearing any pants. After some decent ensembles on the hometown dates, Cupcake apparently went back to what she feels most comfortable in: tranny hooker outfits.
The rose ceremony is fairly predictable (aside from Constantine’s terrible suit). Ashley gives a rose to Ben F, Connie, and JP. And dumps Ames. He’s totally shocked and doesn’t know what to do, because the engineers that made him forgot to program him for this kind of thing. Poor Ames seems so sad, but he manages to stay composed and be nicer than ever. Even my fiancé felt bad for him. He said and I quote “that girl would have been loved so much. Some guy wanted to take care of her more than anything and she dumped him.” True dat.
Next week is Fiji, but I for one CAN’T WAIT for the fight Ashley has with her sister in the finale. SO HOT. You know Ashley’s just jealous, because after ABC couldn’t cast Emily or Chantal as the next bachelorette, they went to Ashley’s sister. It was only after she turned them down that they offered the show to Ashley.
This song is dedicated to JP:
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Second and most importantly it says that if we marry you, we will have to work harder and later so that you can buy a $870.00 pouch (the cost of the bag above, no joke fellas) to carry your iphone and chap stick.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wait, before you judge me, listen! I tried calling the guy THREE TIMES to talk to him personally, the first two of which he never picked up. A game of frustrating phone tag ensued and when I tried calling him the third time, he was with his friend.
What heartless bitch would dump a guy in front of his friend?
I couldn't do it. As badly as I wanted to just say, Hey D, don't worry about calling me back. Hey, uh, can we just be friends? I couldn't go there.
So... I wrote him an email to end it. God, I am going to Blow Off Hell.
But it had to be done. In one month, I saw this guy multiple times, which was a roller-coaster ride between "Yay!" and "No way!" It all ended with a term I shall coin: The Flip.
D and I met through mutual friends, which was a welcome relief from dating strangers on Planet Internet. Could this be the dude I take to my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING? Jesus had shined his light down upon me, and finally let the possibility of budding love--REAL TRUE LOVE--appear before me in the form of a non-manufactured, serendipitous, P2P (person-to-person) moment.
Oh, hell no. I don't believe in Jesus, so why would HE do anything nice for ME? That fucker.
Date #1: D and I went to the movies. 13 ASSASSINS no less, which is all about feudal Japan and samurais and harakiri and shit. Blood and guts everywhere. I think I spent 10 minutes of the film with my eyes open. The rest cringing, eyes tightly shut, listening to all the sword killing and ninja battling. Erm, maybe not the best movie to see on a first date.
Then dinner. He told me he doesn't drink. As in, I do not consume alcohol. There is no way I could have hidden my disappointment, but I wanted to be open-minded. And really, he was so different from anyone I had ever gone out with (see my Type Matrix), that I wanted to give this a shot. So he didn't drink, who cares? Better than dealing with a coke addict, or a dude in a band, wearing a plaid shirt.
The date went past midnight, hence passing my Midnight Test. This test gauges the success of any date: if it goes past midnight, you are having a good time. If you're home before midnight, it was a bore and there is no need to pursue anything. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Date #2: D and I go out for ramen. He tells me he does not like noodle soup. Oh dear god. Do not ever tell this food blogger that you do not like noodles in a bowl of piping hot soup. That's just silly.
But... there could be worse things in the world. He's not a coke head nor a hipster, hooray! And he did actually eat the ramen.
Let's be real though--boy who does not like ramen most certainly does NOT get a blow job at the end of the night. Sorry dude. He leaves me at a Muni Metro stop and I wonder if I will see him again.
Date #3: We have a good time at dinner, watch BLADE RUNNER on his Klippan and end up making out. A hot make-out sesh can sustain this!
Date #4: We take a walk through the park. He's awfully pedantic and like nails against a chalkboard, he's getting on my last nerves (Pedantic Paul from MIDNIGHT IN PARIS, anyone?). Then, he tells me he does not dance. Whaaa?? I need a fucking drink. I desperately search for an out (text to Sara: Call me and say you're in the emergency room RIGHT NOW!), but we end up at dinner and he turns up the charm and self-deprecating humor. Sigh.
We make out, okayyyyy????
Date #5: Everything is going well. Smashing. Really awesome! He's affectionate and sweet and I'm even letting the excruciating pedantry slide! We walked hand in hand, and talked about Meaningful Big Life Things that two mature adults can discuss openly and honestly.
Then, behold: The Flip.
We had driven all the way out to the coast and I suggested we get out of the car and go for a walk.
The precise moment of The Flip was when he said, "I'm not a beach person."
All my muscles tensed up, and I grew silent. Like petrol to a flame, something swelled up inside of me that I don't drink, I don't like ramen, and I don't dance, never quite ignited.
Not a beach person??? What a fucking drag!!! I could no longer keep seeing this person. I declared that I did not feel well and dropped him, along with the tacos we were supposed to have together for dinner, off at his house.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is The Flip. The moment early in any dating period, when you go from seemingly liking someone, to not at all.
I know The Flip well. I briefly dated a guy, the See, I'm Not An Asshole!-Asshole, who had his Flip moment with me. We went out a few times, and while I was into him, and I thought he was into me too, he Flipped. He suddenly got 'sick' and canceled dinner. Then, dumped me in a text message.
I was thoroughly confused. But I know now that it was The Flip. And while the Not Asshole Asshole is now but a fleeting memory, I have gained some perspective on why and how The Flip occurs. Ultimately, you can't help how you feel, nor can you force it. The Flip is inevitable because--come on--you were probably never really into this person in the first place.
Sometime between Date #4 and #5, my close friend said to me, "K, it doesn't even sound like you like this guy. You have never settled for anyone before--why start now?"
Those words rang in my ears during my Flip moment with D. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, "It's not ME. It's YOU!" My dealbreakers here may sound superficial, but it all comes down to the fact that I didn't have very much FUN with him. Can't force it. Can't settle now.
D may be reading my email over and over wondering where it all went wrong. Or maybe he just read it once, and thought, "Whatever, dumb bitch."
And I'm back to square one.
*Thanks to Samurai Shawn for his sage Blow Off advice. Love, Geisha.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I never thought Jennifer and Marc would last...because, let's get real people...she's meant to be with Ben Affleck. You just know Jennifer Garner booked it to the nearest skanky lingerie store after she heard JLo was single and ready to mingle. I just don't believe that Ben and Jenny from the block don't lay awake at night wondering what could have been. I know I do.
Anyway, I'm sad for Max and Emme. Divorce is never easy on the kids...but hopefully their future step-sisters will cheer them up. Violet and Seraphina look like they're loads of fun.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Date: Thu, Jul 7, 2011 at 10:10 AM
I have gone on five dates with a guy in the last month and have realized what I have known all along: I'm not that into him.
This is due to a variety of reasons, most of which you shed light on (he rarely makes me laugh, I see signs of neediness, he does not take initiative, etc). I have not had sex with him, but have had hot moments.
What is your blowoff tactic for someone you have been casually dating? I have not dated much and would like some guidance.
I get bummed out when I hear about guys failing. I want us pool our resources and always win goddamit! Anywho there is much debate about this issue because women prefer everything face to face, but I would say a phone call conversation is ample recompense for 5 sexless dates. I myself would prefer an email prep that says, "Hey Pussy, I mean Steve, are you free to talk tonight at like 8ish?" You allow him to emotionally prepare for the ensuing Gallagher-esque watermelon of rejection that's about to explode on his face and give him time to get a poncho.
Then when you call say something like "Hey how's it going? blah blah how was your day being a humorless pussy blah blah... So (and this part is never easy but is the difference between grown-ups with character and stupid teenagers) Steve, I'm not sure if we're a match. I think you are super nice guy but I'm just not feeling that spark that I should feel at the beginning. I'm sure you obviously have your reservations too since it's only been a few dates (reaffirming him as a reasonable person who is very unlikely to hide in your backyard and masturbate in your bushes) but... I'm feeling us more on the friend tip."
He will say stuff but then have no choice but to accept, then you tell another story, talk about how you'll definitely stay friends (you won't), and be on your way. Treat him with respect and honesty and if he starts crying like a little bitch, tell him he is right to be obsessed with you because that was the closest he was ever going to get to greatness. And then have him email me and we can talk about how he needs to hit up the hip 6pm Sunday Catholic service where there are tons of chicks who like unfunny pussies.
(If you need dating advice from Samurai Shawn, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The episode begins with the men arriving in Taiwan to reunite with their one true love...Chris Harrison. We learn there will be one group date and three one on one dates in this episode. Hmmmm. And an interview with Emily at the end? Their gonna have to keep this shit tight.
Constantine gets the first date card and his disappointment's palpable. I'm pretty sure he keeps his fingers crossed every time a date card arrives that his name isn't on it. You know he'd rather just hang out with his bros then have one on one time with Cupcake. He gets dressed...reluctantly...and JP quietly fumes. This is that time in the season when we have to listen to contestants bitch about how hard this is and how they don't want to share the bachelorette with other people. This is as annoying as listening to "famous" people (ahem, Emily) complain about paparazzi in the bushes. You knew what you were signing up for, Barbie!
Ash informs us at some point that Taiwan is one of the hidden gems of Asia, because not a lot of people know about it. Translation: she'd never heard of it before doing this show. Constantine shows up to their date and I'm instantly confused by Ashley's outfit. Last time I traveled through another country, I left my stripper shoes, yeast infection inducing tight jeans, and backless shirts at home. This is not appropriate sight-seeing attire. Honestly. I didn't know how good we had it when Ali Fedotowsky was The Bachelorette. She wore low top Converse and sandals. Ali! Come back! I miss you! I blame the network. I'm guessing they probably threw these outfits at Ali and she was smart enough to say I WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A WHORE on national television. You just know underneath all that clothing, Ash-tard has a rose vajazzled on her twat. And Chris Harrison's face.
Ashley and Constantine take a train ride together. It's so obvious the only reason she's into him is b/c she thinks he's hot. I don't see it. Seriously. If there was a Princess Bride remake, I feel like Constantine would totally get cast as Andre the Giant. And Ash would play that weird crusty man-woman that lives in the tree and tortures Westley.
The train ride ends and Ash informs Constantine that it's the day of the lantern festival. She asks him if he knows what it's all about and he says: something about lanterns? No shit! Apparently, you write a wish on a lantern and then release it into the sky. Con-Ash paint their lantern together. Raise your hand if you think the big friendly giant's wish was for Ashley to go away? He comes up with "family" and Ashley-- stunned by his creativity-- says "good one!"
Constantine is pretty much grasping at straws to make it seem like he's into Ashley. He keeps saying things like he COULD fall for her. Sure. And he could also win the lottery, get struck by lightning, or become President of the United States. All things likelier to happen than him falling in love with Ashley. I also love it when he says "I'm open to the idea of marrying Ashley." And I'm open to the idea of never shaving my legs again. It doesn't mean I'm going to do it.
Back at the house, the date card arrives and Ryan's devastated to learn that he's still not getting a one on one date. Why is he upset? Doesn't he know he's the luckiest guy on this show? He's had to spend the least amount of time with a girl who will most likely become an amateur porn star after this. Ryan, all the other guys are going to go home with STDs. You're not. How is that for a silver lining?
Constantine and Ashley have a romantic dinner and FINALLY we get to hear a guy ask Ashley a question. Except the question is---what do you like about ME? She says she's attracted to him physically (duh, she's shallow) and that he doesn't sell himself to her. This girl is such an idiot. He doesn't sell himself to you, because he couldn't be less interested. The only reason he probably wants a hometown date is because his mom would be really excited to be on TV. And he's hoping his family will book a reality show on TLC called My Big Fat Greek Family.
The one thing I actually liked about this date is when Ashley gushes about Constantine remembering pieces of their previous conversations. Listen up, boys. For whatever reason, this is hands down one of the hottest things a guy can do. And it's so easy. All you have to do is listen and commit things to memory.
The other best part of this date is watching all the lit lanterns float to the sky. It's actually really beautiful and probably terrible for the environment. I'll admit, I do enjoy the travel element of The Bachelor franchise. I just wish during her trip through Asia, Ash would accidentally cross the border into North Korea and never be heard from again. Until Ames got his daddy to pull some strings and set her free. Except that by then it would be too late and Ash would still never be heard from again.
Overall, I give this date a 3 out of 10. They are a total snoozefest as a couple and Ash just wants to boost her self esteem by dating a hot guy who actually looks like a Greek Paul Bunyon.
Time for Constantine's twin brother Ben to go on a date with Ashley. I believe this is the guy our loyal reader Cathy referred to as the Geico Caveman last week. Super good call! I instantly get "front runner" vibe when Ash and Ben see each other. Ash looks kind of cute...if cute was what Britney Spears looked like when she was going through her nervous breakdown. They hop on a Moped and go for a drive. But don't get your hopes up. They do not drive off a cliff and plummet to their death.
Ben F says that the date felt like a fairytale. And here all this time I thought Ryan was gay. What is with these straight guys talking about fairytales??? Ames did the same thing in the last episode. Hopefully this is just further proof that ABC feeds them lines and that this is just some subliminal campaign to get us to spend our hard-earned dollars at Disneyland.
Hmmm...I think Ben could be the big winner here. Ash even says that he feels like her boyfriend. And I am getting a serious couple vibe from them. I have no idea why Ben is falling for her. Clearly, Ashley did more than mentally kiss him in Thailand. She totally let him mentally cum on her face!
Back at the house, Ryan finally gets a one on one date and he's so happy he practically farts sparkles (that one's for you, Leticia). He is just so corny and the other dudes want to beat him with a stick, but don't want to get accused of being gay bashers.
Ben and Ash have dinner and she decides to wear a prom dress straight off the racks of Wet Seal. She tries to pretend she knows a thing or two about wine and Ben suppresses the urge to tell her to shut her dumb mouth. I used to like Ben, but now that he says he's falling in love with Ashley his stock has really plummeted. All I can hold on to is that maybe he's just hoping to make it to a hometown date, so he can get as much screen time for his wine as possible. Wait, that's totally what he's doing! What a relief. We can all breathe again.
The next morning. The guys are all kinds of butt hurt, because Benny Boy still isn't back from his date! Um, he got laid. I do not buy that they slept in separate bedrooms and nothing happened. He's got "I stuck my finger in her butt" written all over his face! Trust me. I know that look when I see it. Poor JP feels really jilted. He gets all red and quiet. Stop it, JP! I need you to be hotter than this. Pull your shit together!!
Group date time. Lucas, Ames, and JP learn they are going to be taking wedding pictures with Ashley. And they look about as excited as three guys who've just been told they have to spend the rest of their lives in that shed Jaycee Dugard lived in.
Lucas has to wear traditional Chinese garb which he refers to as a dress. Ames manages to look hot in a baby blue and pink tux with feathers. WTF. Why do they keep putting this guy in the worst outfits? And then there's JP in a black tuxedo. Hubba hubba.
JP's hotness quickly subsides when he starts getting all crazy jealous over Ashley getting her picture taken with the other guys. Normally, this would be hot, but this is Cupcake we're talking about. I think I'd be more okay with this if he were crying over Heidi Montag. Ash's first two outfits are kind of cute, but what is up with that terrible wedding dress they put her in? A tiara? A choker? What is this, Melrose Place?
Of course, JP's insecure act totally pays off when Ashley gives him a rose--- that's basically how every single guy on a group date has secured a boutonniere. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad JP got a rose, because I like staring at his face and I'm expecting to meet some hot brothers next week-- but I can't help feeling bad for Ames and Lucas. I mean, Lucas had to dress like a China man! That's like the worst thing you could do to a potentially racist red neck from Texas! But I especially feel bad for Ames. He just got through showing Ashley all these family photos and he still didn't get a rose.
I don't know what it is about Ames. I'm not getting a date rape vibe in this episode. And I'm also not getting a good read on how he feels about Ashley. I really feel like the giant twist at the end of this season is that we're going to find out Ames is a robot. and that his little sister is Vicky from Small Wonder. And that when he got a mild concussion and couldn't talk to Ashley, it was actually an electronic malfunction and they had to rush him to that same lab where Steve Gutenberg invented Johnny Five in the critically acclaimed film Short Circuit.
Oh no, I'm getting nervous. From the preview, it looks like Ash is actually going to dump Ryan on the very one on one date he's been waiting all this time for. Please, God. Let me be wrong.
Um, if Ryan knew what was good for him, he'd be the one to dump Ashley after seeing her in the world's most inappropriate outfit ever! Tight low rise white jeans and a shirt that's not really a shirt, because it only has a front side. Who picks these outfits? Those tops weren't even in style during the 80s. Listen carefully, ABC--- showing us Ashley's back is not going to distract us from her face. That's right. I said it!
But Ryan doesn't dump Ashley. Instead he gets way too excited to go to this temple with her. The poor locals chant about how they've seen tranny hookers classier than Ashley. Next, Solar Panel and Cupcake watch some people do Tai Chi and once again, Ash proves she's a complete ditz, because she has no idea what the hell Tai Chi is all about. Ryan very nicely schools her on the topic.
Then, Ash and Ryan have lunch and he makes a huge error in judgment when he asks her a question that has nothing to do with love or marriage. He asks her what her relationship to the environment is. I'm guessing based on previous interactions, he got the feeling she knows as much about climate change as she knows about Tai Chi. Ash responds with some super lame story about getting dumped by a guy after she didn't recycle (Ash, that was just the excuse he gave you. The plastic bottle was the perfect out!)
Then, the ho bag asks Ryan for some handy green tips and he decides that now is the time to preach about WATER HEATERS. Nail, meet coffin. Ashley's eyes seriously glaze over, but luckily she can distract herself with Keggle exercises. Just as Ryan gets to the good part, ABC totally drowns out his water heater lecture with Ashley's annoying voice over. Shoot! Now, I'll never know what we're supposed to do with water heaters. Keep them running all the time I'm guessing.
Anyway, then Ash dumps poor Ryan before he can swallow his first bite of dim sum. This was so hard to watch. The look on Ryan's face...the guy was clearly humiliated and devastated and really upset he wouldn't get to finish his lunch. He looks right at Ashley and says "you don't want to meet my family?" My heart totally broke for him. He's totally blindsided. There was no rose on this date. He was supposed to be able to breathe easy. But Ashley pulled the rug out from under him. Heartless bitch!
Now, can anyone explain to me why Ash thinks it's more humane to dump Ryan in the middle of a date instead letting him down gently at the rose ceremony? Why would she think this was remotely better?! Letting someone go during a date is basically saying "I can't stand the sight of you. Git!" At least at the rose ceremony, he wouldn't be the only one getting dumped. Safety in numbers!
Ashley and Ryan say their good byes and he totally breaks down during his exit interview. He can't get the words out. He lets out a sob and says he really wants to meet someone and be a dad, blah blah. Come on, Ryan! Don't do this to yourself. She's not worth it. Trust me. Just come out of the closet already. I promise, it gets better.
Next, Ryan walks around the streets of Taipei in a total daze, then has to hail a cab home, because apparently once you get dumped ABC is no longer responsible for you. In honor of Ryan, let's all turn our water heaters off when we go to sleep tonight. Solar panels 4-eva!
Rose ceremony time! Oh, thank God. The props guy remembered to bring the framed pictures of the guys. Taiwan just wouldn't be as beautiful without them. Ashley dons yet another terrible pageant gown. I'm so at the end of my rope with the wardrobe on this show. It's worse than the shit the contestants on American Idol wear. For once, I'd like to see a girl show up to the rose ceremony in jeans, a tank top, and no clown make up.
Big surprise. Ashley tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't need a cocktail party, because she already knows who she wants to shit all over, and because ABC still has that Emily interview they need to squeeze in. (Can we all agree Ash was probably crying over Queen Emily taking some of her screen time away?)
It's no big shocker. Lucas gets dumped just as I predicted last week. I was wrong about Ames not making it to this round. I clearly underestimated the strength of his robotic powers. I don't know about you, but I for one am super excited for all the inappropriate outfits Cupcake will be wearing to her four hometown dates. Somebody's dad is totally going to get a boner!
All right, on to the Emily interview. This whole thing was total horseshit. If you are an Emily fan, you need to get your head checked. First of all, I love how ABC treats this like it's on par with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up. There is nothing shocking about this split.
Emily makes a very dramatic and unnecessary entrance via limo. Throughout the whole interview, Chris looks like he's got a killer case of diarrhea and that if Emily doesn't shut up soon, he'll shard all over the place.
As expected, Emily gives us zero insight on the break up with Brad. Instead, she just says they really loved each other, that she'd never met a man like Brad (Poor Ricky the race car driver is rolling in his grave), and that she will always be in love with him, but they just couldn't make things work. That explains nothing! Then she starts talking about how dealing with the fame has been really difficult. What fame? If I knocked on all of my neighbors doors right now and asked them who Emily Maynard was, they would have no fucking clue who I was talking about. Ugh! I'm so sick and tired of people who bitch about being famous DURING an interview on television. If getting recognized sucks so bad, then stop going on TV. Plus, I hardly think paparazzi actually hid in the bushes of Austin to take her picture. Em claims this is the last time she'll discuss the split (not including the interview she did with People Magazine, of course) because break ups are hard and no one likes to talk about them repeatedly. So, I guess your fiance dying in a plane crash was way less hard, because you talked about it ad nauseum? Whatever. Emily has no credibility with me. Especially since we all know she's going to be the next Bachelorette.
And now, for no apparent reason other than it was mentioned earlier, here's the trailer for Short Circuit.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
--> -->really annoyed me. It reeked of "I am out of touch, but no one has the balls to tell me."
Erica Jong claims young women don't care enough about sex anymore. Apparently, we're BLOWING it OFF for monogamy and motherhood. So, Erica--- just to prove you wrong....you can blow me. No, seriously. I want it. Me. You. A vacant steam room. Hot cunnilingus. You're almost seventy. I'm thirty. We'll be like the lesbian Harold & Maude. Are you in or are you out?
In all seriousness, I'll take you through the article and go over some of the points that bugged me the most. I'm assuming at thirty, I still fit the label "young woman" since Jong references her daughter as one and she's in her mid-thirties.
*Of her recent anthology, Jong writes: "The older writers in my anthology are raunchier than the younger writers. The younger writers are obsessed with motherhood and monogamy. It makes sense. Daughters always want to be different from their mothers. If their mothers discovered free sex, then they want to rediscover monogamy."
Counterpoint: Maybe her young writers happen to be frigid prudes? No really-- the mother/daughter dichotomy is a valid point, but what would that mean for the smaller portion of young women in the US that are children of immigrants? My mom certainly was not discovering free sex in the 70s in Iran. Nor were the mothers of my friends from foreign countries (as far as I know). That said, my mom actually encouraged me to have pre-marital sex and I did. (Best advice ever, mom). So, would that mean there's a faction of women who still like a hot beef injection, just because their mothers weren't getting it regular?
*Jong claims young women want control in a chaotic world which is why they're shying away from sex and gravitating towards motherhood.
Counterpoint: I can't speak for my fellow peers on this one, but I'm a definite control freak and that's why motherhood scares the living bejeezus out of me. I can't think of anything more chaotic than having kids. And that's because in the 21st century, women are way more vocal about the hardships of motherhood. Thanks, ladies. Your honesty has left me terrified.
*Jong claims that sex is less interesting now, because the internet has made it less forbidden. "Not only did we fail to corrupt our daughters, but we gave them a sterile way to have sex, electronically. Clearly the lure of Internet sex is the lack of involvement. We want to keep the chaos of sex trapped in a device we think we can control."
Counterpoint: Raise your hand if you know a woman in your peer group that prefers cyber-sex to actual sex. What was that? You don't know any female that's had cyber-sex? Me neither! In all the years of talking with my girlfriends about subjects ranging from vaginal itch to butt sex I've never heard anyone say "I had the most amazing virtual fuck last night." I'm pretty sure the only people having cyber-sex are men who wrongly assume there's a woman on the other end of that computer and that creepy lonely lady from the movie Catfish.
*Jong writes "Punishing the sexual woman is a hoary, antique meme found from 'Jane Eyre' to 'The Scarlet Letter' to 'Sex and the City' where the lustiest woman ended up with breast cancer. Sex for women is dangerous."
Counterpoint: No, she didn't bring up Sex and the City! That show is solely responsible for my slutty years. Jong fails to mention here that the most sexually conservative character on the show (Charlotte) ended up with something WAY worse than breast cancer: an impotent husband and a nightmare mother-in-law. And Carrie boned a lot of dudes and she got rewarded with Chris Noth and a huge walk in closet. Um, me thinks sex for women is awesome.
*Jong continues: "...better to soul cycle and write cookbooks. Better to give up men and sleep with one’s children. Better to wear one’s baby in a man-distancing sling and breast-feed at all hours so your mate knows your breasts don’t belong to him. Our current orgy of multiple maternity does indeed leave little room for sexuality. With children in your bed, is there any space for sexual passion? The question lingers in the air, unanswered."
Counterpoint: Where do I begin. I agree with Jong that having your kids in bed with you makes 69ing all the more complex, but I'm confused about this obsession she claims young women have with motherhood. Maybe I'm living in LA and have a different perspective (although Jong is a New Yorker, so it's not like she's referring to women in Middle America), but out of a sampling of 20 female friends I have regular contact with (all living either in SF, LA or NY)--- only 25% are married, only 15% have children. And 80% of those women are over the age of 30. (I know, it's not all that scientific, but it's the best I could do). Jong claims women are longing for the era of Mad Men, but she makes no reference to the fact that women are delaying marriage and motherhood at higher rates than in the 70s to focus on their careers.
If there's one thing that's making us less focused on sex -- maybe it's fact that it we don't use it to get self worth. Many of us get that from our jobs.
And even though I'm not a mom and don't plan on being one for awhile, I have to stand up for the young mamas out there regarding Jong's statement "Better to wear one’s baby in a man-distancing sling and breast-feed at all hours so your mate knows your breasts don’t belong to him." So, let me get this straight? In Jong's world-- women have to choose between feeding and holding their babies VS getting laid by their husbands? Let's not forget that fertility problems aside, sex leads to babies, so these mommies know how to do it. Plus, wives always talk about how sexy it is to watch their husbands become fathers. Okay, maybe I've only heard that from the mouths of celebrity moms, but here's hoping men feel the same way.
*Perhaps the best point Jong makes is the following: "the backlash against sex has lasted longer than the sexual revolution itself. Both birth control and abortion are under attack in many states. Women’s health care is considered expendable in budgetary negotiations. And the right wing only wants to champion unborn children. (Those already born are presumed able to fend for themselves.)....How far will we go in destroying women’s equality before a new generation of feminists wakes up? This time we hope those feminists will be of both genders and that men will understand how much equality benefits them."
Counterpoint: Jong fails to mention the fact that many of the policy makers attacking institutions like Planned Parenthood came out of the free sex generation and not the generation she's critiquing. I absolutely agree with her point that it is the responsibility of our generation (men and women) to get outraged, fight back, and protest these issues. This is an area where we've failed.
Other things Jong leaves out of her argument:
No mention of sexually transmitted diseases. Her days of "passionate sex" came before sex in a time of HIV and HPV (the latter which can't even be prevented by condoms). With advances in treatments and vaccines for both viruses, perhaps there will be less risk associated with one night fucks and we'll seek out more of them, but then that would go against Jong's argument that the more risk involved, the more sex we'd be having.
Not to mention, the free sex movement was in part a reaction to the advent of birth control and the drudgery of monogamy. Our generation's had the pill all along. Hell, I went on it in high school to clear up my skin. So, we didn't have the urge to go buck wild when it was invented. Also, many of the women in Jong's generation chose monogamy at a young age, realized it sucked, and then went out and had sex with every available and unavailable man they could find. Our generation got to do it the other way around. We had our run a muck stage first, got it out of our system, and then we sought monogamy (which does not necessarily mean we stop having sex). I'm only six years into the longest monogamous relationship I've had, so I'm no expert, but I will say that the more at ease I am with my lovah, the better the sex gets. Way better than any one night stand.
Don't get me wrong, just because Jong is older does not make her irrelevant. I'm not an ageist. I admire her as a writer and as a voice of her generation. I'd shit myself if I was in my sixties with twenty-two books under my belt, while also writing Op-Ed pieces for the Times. The only place I've ever been published is this blog. But Erica Jong got it very wrong this time. Even she admits that "generalizing about cultural trends is tricky." That's why I will not be publishing an article where I presume to know what it's like to be an infant, just because I was one once.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Me (real time): I know we moved in really quickly and my job situation is unsettling, I feel like I've lost my identity, all of this is straining on the relationship so it might be good that I move out, etc. etc. Yes, I'm the best rational girlfriend you've ever had!
(translation: You want your fucking space, I'll give you some fucking space. If you do not come after me this is soooo over!)
My boyfriend did not hear I needed his support and presence now more than ever. I did not understand I needed to actually tell him "I need your support and love now more than ever." We baby girls think guys should know the obvious and we (I) resent them (him) when they (he) don't show up outside our (my) window in a trench coat blasting "In Your Eyes."
After two rambling emotional meltdowns and one real conversation, for the first time in my life I saw my reactionary patterns:
1. if the guy doesn't go along with my plan, he's just not that into me (break up in 1-3 months)
2. if the guy doesn't express he's in it to win it, he's unreliable (break up in 2-4 weeks)
3. if the guy suggests I'm part of the problem, he's WRONG and we're OVER (right now)
It's not that my demands/patterns are unreasonable, grown ass baby girls should have standards or you remain a regular baby girl dating some D&G sunglasses wearing, Axe body spraying, sporty leather seat driving guy with raging herpes. The problem with grown ass baby girls is we are so proud to be self sufficient and realists - it's hard for us to ask guys for help. So upon realizing my behavior-assumption patterns, my boyfriend and I started to talk about how to communicate better where we hear and understand each other. If grown ass baby girl only has one true standard for friendships and relationships - it's be with people who are willing to learn about the up's and down's together.