Friday, December 30, 2011
Russell Brand released this statement today: "Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends."
"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would."
-Counting Crows, 1996
Counting Crows = guilty guilty pleasure. And even though this song is off of a different album, August and Everything After is one of those rare albums that I can listen to from beginning to end without skipping a song. I know, I'm a dork.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
For Y2K, I was home from college and going to a party where most of my high school friends would be....which meant I was going to see my high school boyfriend who I hadn't talked to since our break up on Halloween. I assured all of our friends that there would be no weirdness. And there wasn't. He and I spent most of the night making out in the bathroom. It felt comfortable at the time, but I regretted it the next day. I was so proud of myself for getting two months of distance from the guy and the NYE kiss just opened up a whole new can of worms. When he showed up at my dorm room on Valentine's Day with a ring from the movie The Crow, I had to tell him it was really over.
Then, there was NYE 2001. I was at yet another party with high school friends. I started hanging out with some redheaded guy who graduated a year before me and we slipped off into my friend's parents room to make out...and we got walked in on by my high school boyfriend. He was really torn up about it and I had to chase him down and tell him...dude, it's really really really over.
And then, NYE 2004. I was visiting SF from New York with my sister and hoping the guy I dated two years earlier at Berkeley would meet me at a party. I remember at the time feeling like the party totally sucked, because everyone there was 30. Oh, to be young and in my twenties again. The dude never showed up and while my sister and I were sitting on the stoop of the house, we saw some poor guy get jumped. I panicked and froze, but my sister screamed at the top of her lungs and scared the guys off. I guess even though I was sad my old bf didn't show up to the party, there was a silver lining: the guy who got his ass beat had a way worse New Year's than me.
NYE 2005 was pretty sweet. I was visiting San Francisco again and this time I was on cloud nine, because college bf and I had gone out to dinner the night before to "catch up" and he totally seduced me. I didn't realize at the time it was just to make himself feel better over another girl dumping him, but whatever. He moved to New York a month later and told me he just wanted to be friends. Naturally, I told him never to speak to me again.
Last year, my sister and brother in law came to Los Angeles and we went out to a nice dinner. What could go wrong? How about me having too much to drink and snapping at my sister for not wanting to come to a party with us...even though she was nine weeks pregnant. Damn wine pairing!
This year, I plan to minimize the risk of having a crappy New Year's simply by doing nothing. the H bomb and I are staying in and cooking dinner...mostly because I feel bad leaving our puppy alone at midnight. I want to ring in 2012 with her. I know it's pathetic and makes me seem really old and domesticated, but to make up for it I plan to get really drunk, take off all my clothes (except for my favorite pair of granny underwear), and dance on the coffee table to 1999 by Prince, while of course changing the lyrics to 2012. At least I know I'll have someone to kiss and that I won't be constantly staring at the door wondering if some ex-boyfriend is going to show up and tell me he still loves me. Although...that would be super crazy and weird if that happened. Shit, now I really want it to.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
AND THEY SUCK. Like really, really, suck.
It's a conundrum, y'all. Sure, it's not necessarily a reason to cut bait, but if this is someone you're even remotely thinking about spending the rest of your life with, then you're stuck with their friends for good. You'll have to invite them to all your parties, go on double dates with them, maybe even take the occasional vacation.
The worst kind of friends, in my opinion, are the kind that can't spend a single holiday apart and live in a world of their own personal jokes and experiences. Whenever you're around them, they love to talk about that thing that happened five years ago that you have no idea about, because you didn't even know these people existed five years ago. This generally means they're not a very open and friendly bunch. A great majority of the h-bombs friends all went to college together, so it can be a little intimidating to hang out with them en masse, but I just choose to be annoying and constantly ask who and what they are talking about. But for the most part, I like his friends (minus the ones that were on drugs and acting like hot messes at our wedding). Plus, after six years together, most of his friends are my friends and vice-versa.
Sometimes, the whole friend conflict can completely ruin a relationship. My sister and her college boyfriend were very happy together until they graduated and moved to the Bay Area near a bunch of his friends from high school. Suddenly, their entire social life revolved around spending the weekends with them. She never clicked with them and felt like she never got to see her friends anymore. Eventually they broke up and he moved out of their apartment and moved in with his friends.
What about you readers? Have you ever run into major conflicts with the friends of your significant other? Did you invite them over for dinner and feed them rat poison and bury them in your neighbor's backyard or did you find a more mature way to resolve your issues? Comment below!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Believe it or not, this was the H-bomb's first Christmas with my family. He LOVES Christmas and he's vehemently against fake Christmas trees*, which is what my parents have up in their house-- but I'm guessing he handled the whole thing with aplomb (I'm writing this pre-Christmas, so for all I know, he could have shoved the fake Christmas tree in the fireplace, while screaming "Santa is my homeboy!"). Families are different. His fam goes all out with the gift giving and my family does a secret santa gift exchange. I have to give my parents props though. We were pretty much the only Iranian family amongst my relatives that celebrated Christmas, because they didn't want us kids to feel left out at school...you know, like all the Jewish kids.
My first Christmas with his parents was great. It was the first time I ever spent a holiday with another person's family, and I had to do a couple things that were out of my comfort zone (go to the south, play golf, go to church) but unlike the Stones, they made me feel welcome. They even got me my very own personalized ornament and we were allowed to stay in the same room. Every holiday since has been awesome. What can I say, I got lucky. If the same can't be said for your holiday with a foreign fam, then hopefully you're at the mall drowning your sorrows in some major return/exchange therapy. And if that doesn't help, remember-- next year, you get to BLOW OFF their family and hang out with yours!
*UPDATE: My parents got a real Christmas tree. Looks like I won't be heading to divorce court any time soon.
Friday, December 23, 2011
"He's gone 2000 miles
It's very far
The snow is falling down
Gets colder day by day
I miss you
I can hear people singing
It must be Christmas time"
-The Pretenders, 1983
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Here are some early final four predictions I'd like to make, purely based on the photos and names of the contestants. How much do we love that ABC apparently does all their photo shoots at JCPenney? Anyway, there is no other information on the ABC website about these people aside from their names. Apparently, Reality Steve already posted the final four and is getting sued by ABC, but I'm not looking at that shit. No spoilers, bring on the shock and awe factor. Like...how shocked were all of you when Chris Harrison got a second job hosting You Deserve It? More proof that he reads my recaps and no longer wanted the title of Laziest Man on Television.
Anyway, a few overall observations about the contestants. Ben F did not get a crop of lookers to choose from. A lot of these girls are ultra-cheesy Vegas cocktail waitress looking. I'm going to give Ben a little credit and go with the least trashy of the bunch.
Courtney: Based on her photo alone, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Courtney makes it to the final two. She's like the brunette Emily, except I get a vibe that she reads books and knows about politics. She looks like the kind of girl that rode horses growing up. And you just know Ben F.'s uptight WASPY mom is really gonna like her. Plus, I have a feeling she might have a good sob story to help up her chances of sticking around. If she's as sweet as she looks, ABC will want her to stay at least till the end so they can make her the next Bachelorette. My favorite thing about Courtney is that she does not spell her name Kortni.
Rachel: The only blonde among the contestants that doesn't look like a total ho-bag. I also think Rachel might get the best style award and possibly works in fashion. The loose fitting tank top says I'm secure enough to hide my cleavage. The accessories are perfectly understated. The haircut is stylish...AND she can pull off bangs way better than Cupcake. But...guys can be iffy on bangs, so that could do Rachel in. Also, she might be one of those contestants that doesn't gush to Ben about how much she loves him which will leave him saying things like "my relationship with Rachel is moving slower than the other girls." There may also be a chance that Rachel is the mega-bitch of the group. All that aside, I could see Courtney and Rachel make it to the final two...Betty VS Veronica style. My favorite thing about Rachel is that she does not spell her name...Reigh Chill.
Elyse: I went with pretty wholesome choices overall, but Elyse has a little edge to her and a little "I might let you stick it in my butt if you play your cards right." I'm betting she watches sports and is good at playing it cool around guys and making them feel comfortable. She'll probably tell Ben she's more of a beer girl than a wine girl, which will totally win him over, because guys love a challenge. I also think she could be the single mom of the group or the girl that got really hurt after a messy divorce with her high school sweetheart. She's got some bad girl in her which is why she spells her name Elyse instead of Elise, but she's down to earth enough to not spell her name L-Leese. If she does make it to the final four, her predictably trashy family might take her out of the running.
Lindzi: The perfect balance of blonde and brunette. Lindzi's belt says: I love wine tasting and picking grapes and I'm from the south. If I were Ben, I'd watch out for her though, because she seems like she could have career aspirations in broadcast journalism. Which would mean...drum roll please...she's not in it for the right reasons. I'm also guessing she has a loud Julia Roberts like laugh and will get really excited at the site of a helicopter or a full moon. Bitch is already on my shit list for spelling her name like she's four and still learning to sound out letters.
So, those are my very early predictions for the final four, but I can't end this post without talking about---
Sheryl: What up, Cougar! I'm so freaking excited for Sheryl. I am hoping like the masked man from Cupcake's season, the show keeps Sheryl around for a few episodes purely for comic relief. I feel like she could be a Mrs. Garrett type figure in the house and that the scenes of the girls sun-bathing will take on a Facts of Life tone to them. Or maybe she's more like Dorothy from Golden Girls and she'll feed the girls cheesecake late at night when they get all stressed out about dating a guy who's dating twenty five other girls. I really hope Ben breaks all the rules and ends up with Sheryl and they become ABC's very own Harold & Maude. OR better yet, I really really hope Sheryl is the next bachelorette.
Jaclyn: I predict she goes home in the first episode.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I'm hard pressed to find any movies that give me the same goose bump factor as one hour of Homeland or Parenthood or Game of Thrones. Or any movie that made me laugh harder than 25 minutes of Curb Your Enthusiasm or The Office. TV shows take more risks than movies do. They attract the most talented writers, directors, and actors. These days everyone is getting into TV. Dustin Hoffman? He's got a new series on HBO (Luck- it's supposed to be great). AND when you watch the Emmy awards, there are actual surprises. Someone like Kyle Chandler can beat Jon Hamm for a best actor nod. Harvey Weinstein has nothing to do with them!
I know nothing can replace the experience of watching something in a movie theater, but going to the movies is starting to feel a little like air travel. Ticket prices are getting way too expensive, the food is getting worse, and you never know what asshole you'll be sitting next to. And no one in the movie theater turns off their electrical equipment.
I always knew people with "Kill Your Television" bumper stickers were crazy snobs. If you think watching a show like Mad Men or Shameless is a waste of time, you're wrong. These are shows that make us think about the human condition and articulate emotions we couldn't articulate on our own. TV is an art form and we need to start treating it like one. The Kardashians? Totally absurdist.
Television is my jam and I don't even watch Breaking Bad or Sons of Anarchy (something I plan to remedy.) So, let's give it the respect it deserves. And let's hope the movie studios step it up. I miss being excited for the Oscars. This year, I'm just excited for the Golden Globes (the TV categories, that is.)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I looked it over and here are some of the highlights...the biggest takeaway might be: always wear flip flops in the shower. I also took comfort in the fact that even kids at one of the top universities in the country say things like "duh" "LOL" and "heteronormative."
Advice from Harvard students:
Remember the little things— when they have finals/papers/etc. AND THE BIG THINGS. LIKE BIRTHDAYS. or what they might like but did not tell you (a theme you might see in their room, etc) ask favorite color! and animal?
Although technology tempts us to deal with problems via texting and over the internet, remember that relationships are between people and try to deal with problems in person.[omg too real] Alternatively, sexting can solve everything.
Don't transfer your misplaced frustrations from other sources - midterms, job interviews, etc, on them. Remember that they're going through hard times too.
Threesomes. +1 (Only when your relationship is stable enough, otherwise you should stick to foursomes.) gender preferences/ratios?
Have a sex life. No seriously. true that. [A sex life is great if you are comfortable with it, but don't feel like you HAVE to have a sex life. Do what feels most comfortable for you or you will be miserable in any relationship][ Clarification then: Make sure that both you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to sex: If not then honestly its something that needs to be figured out
Go gay! Why not? Everybody else is doing it.
Before you pick/continue a fight, ask yourself if it's worth it. 24. Be understanding of your partner. Girls like to assume men are always wrong and need to be some knight in shining armor and be everywhere and do everything, (this is coming from a girl by the way) Also, always assume heteronormative relationship models! Like making sandwiches and doing dishes? -Sorry for the example. Disregard if you so wish.
ALWAYS make it clear from the start. Casual hookups do not turn into serious love. -You never know, although when in a casual hookup it's best not to complicate with your feelings unless it's mutual. One of my best relationships started as a hookup
If in long distance, try to make rituals to do together — send photos, postcards, or schedule Skype dates. ("Dates.")
I personally a think being in a relationship is more than two individuals. It's when two people give up enough for each other to be something different. → Communism. → False understanding of communism ← that's what the Communists want you to say.
Guys don't be jerks
Start a rumor that your significant other has the clap! Then no one will want to hook up with them, so they can't cheat on you. :)
(Not sure if this is everyone, but...) It sometimes is annoying if you only say "sure" or "OK" or "I don't care" — a definitive "yes" or "no" doesn't have the other party questioning your sincerity/willingness to do something.
Train yourself extensively so that you can defeat your partner in physical combat (or carry her up the stairs, super romantic!) should the occasion arise. (why only physical combat? Do a dance battle instead. :P But jousting always settles everything. (Or if you're emotionally superior, you can win at mind games?) Yes! Mind games are a good option.
HYGIENE! Be clean and smell clean. soooooaaaap = win. soap operas?
Prepare a dance routine for every TLC song, because you never know when you'll need to perform one. Start with "No Scrubs" and work your way from there. (Wait, what?)
Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you're sleeping. Love is wearing make up to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That's love. <3
Love is waking up next to a plate of bacon. feed each other bacon. Use bacon lube, such thing exists!Make sure they don't live in the Quad. Make sure they don't live in your house. Make sure they're not under the floorboards
Shower together in champagne.
Do not hook up with, fall in love with, date, or otherwise engage with your roommates. Especially if you have other roommates that don't want to get caught in it.
Watch a romantic comedy. COPY WHAT THEY SAY. Seriously.
Don't suck dick in a bathroom stall like Brenda Song in the Social Network.I've actualy done this. ←- How did this work out for you? He's my long-term boyfriend now. ←— Props. Brenda Song is so irrelevant. But I'm using her as a case study! Brenda Song is unworthy of your study. YOU ARE UNWORTHY OF BRENDA SONG'S MOUTH. Brenda Song is the only asian Disney Chanel star. Megan Lee is a disney channel artist, Megan Lee is not relevant enough though. Brenda Song is like the skinny asian Raven Simone.Only do anal if you're in the shower. Always wear flip flops in the shower. Only steal street signs when you're really drunk and egged on by roommates.
Monday, December 19, 2011
So then, I met boy sassypants (BSP). We were introduced at a brunch (where we both wore v-neck t-shirts because they're casual but just a bit more interesting than crew) and hit it off. I mean, how could we not? We were so alike! And I'm not just talking about personalities, we even looked similar: short and ethnically ambiguous. After our set-up he messaged me on Facebook saying that he was glad to have met me and that he would like to hang out again soon after. I was impressed. A follow up featuring direct emotions and initiating a second date? This was it. I loved BSP; he was just as awesome as I am!
Over the course of a few weeks we went on several dates that went extremely well. We got along great and had so much in common! However, something was off. Being that this was the only real dating I'd done in college, I encouraged myself to be patient and open to the idea of building chemistry. I mean, these things take a while, right? Yet, after spending a fair amount of time together, I got to wondering why I wasn't more pumped on BSP. He was all the things I'd wished of my ex: thoughtful, outgoing and chivalrous; so why wasn't I more into this? Didn't I want to be with someone more like me? And then came the epiphany. I'd always joked that the male version of myself would be a total flamer, wait...is BSP gay?! No, of course not. But he did compliment my shoes, speak in a very animated fashion, tell a friend how fabulous her boobs looked in a dress, only drink blueberry Smirnoff and once went off on the most adorable Mickey and Minnie his-and-her aprons he saw at Disneyland that he'd have loved to replicate for an in-town sewing contest if only he'd had his sewing machine...
Immediately, I called Pam.
"Pam, did you ever get the gay vibe from BSP?"
"You set me up with a gay guy?!"
"No, no. I thought he was gay when I first met him, but I've confirmed with his best friend* that he's not." *Who was a girl.
Still hopeful and open minded, I continued to see BSP with the idea of proving to myself that he wasn't gay. Yet, this didn't go on for too long since I deemed our horrible make out session during an episode of Chelsea Lately the ultimate deal breaker, although it did follow a viewing of The Hangover. I really have no idea if BSP was gay or not, but in the end, I just wasn't that sexually attracted to him. I eventually told BSP that with summer approaching, I didn't want to get involved in anything long distance, even though he did volunteer to visit me when he was up in the bay area for the Lady Gaga concert.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The word's on the streets and it's on the news
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you.
He's got two left feet and he bites my moves.
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance
The second I do, I know we're gonna be through.
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you.
He don't suspect a thing. I wish he'd get a clue.
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance
-Black Kids, 2008
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I am guilty of the following:
What's wrong with my computer?
Could you do me a favor?
Could you not do that please?
Could you pass me that blanket?
Could you turn it up a bit?
Can you just turn it down a bit?
I had to get up like at six this morning.
Digging constantly through my purse.
Listen to this email
Listen, Listen, Listen, Listen
I hate trying on clothes.
Do I look like a doily?
First of all, ewww.
I know, right?
Okay, so basically I don't really ever ask people to go into my purse or what my password is.
Here's what I can remember about these two. Claire was besties with Winona Ryder after starring in Little Women with her. She had a big crush on Lee and as a surprise, Winona flew him in from Australia for Claire's birthday (cause what are besties for?) They started dating, fell in love, and lived in a loft in Soho together. I remember being super jealous of Claire Danes at the time. For starters, I wanted to live in Soho and be best friends with Winona Ryder. And if I was, I would have cashed that favor in for Ethan Hawke (1990s Ethan, that is) OR Leonardo. But the fact that Lee was kind of goofy looking just made me think Claire Danes was so not shallow. Plus, he got points for being Australian and a musician.
Ben and Claire were inseparable for years. I even heard they went to couples counseling to keep their relationship going. She famously left Ben for Billy Crudup who left his 8 month pregnant gf, Mary Louise Parker (who reliable sources have told me is a huge bitch-- jury's out if she was one before she got ditched for Danes or if that was what turned her.)
Now, more than ten years since they started dating, Claire is married to Hugh Dancy and Ben Lee is married to Ione Skye (Yes, Diane Court from Say Anything). They had a Hindu ceremony, of course. A guy I liked had mutual friends with Ben Lee and eventually discovered his love for tofu and meditation. So, I guess I can thank Ben Lee for helping me get over him.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I hate guys who...don’t have the balls to say they just aren’t that into you and instead play vague/hard to get/aloof ‘til you move on.
I love guys who...aren’t afraid to act like a complete and total nerd.
My worst break up was...with a guy who threw a lamp at me.
My easiest break up was...with a guy who is now one of my best friends.
My three deal breakers are...smoking, physical violence of any kind, and racism (blatant or simmering under the surface).
I've been in love 2 times
I've had my heart broken...I’m not completely sure how to answer this. I’ve definitely been hurt by love, but to me, a broken heart isn’t repairable. And I sincerely hope that’s not me.
I've broken 1 heart
My go to sad break up song is....."Sober" by Kelly Clarkson - it's the song her label wanted her to shelve, and as far as I'm concerned, the best thing she's ever written.
My go to "fuck you" break up song is...soooo cliche, but Alanis Morrisette "You Outta Know."
Angelina Jolie...is overrated in the looks dept. Bring me Charlize Theron or Matt Bomer.
Reality TV....is sick… and yet it makes running on the treadmill so much easier.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I'm not sure what prevented me from ever dating inside my own race. A significant portion of my cousins have Iranian spouses. I know several other Iranian females that would ultimately like to end up with an Iranian guy. Hell, I know half-Iranian/half-American peeps that ended up with full Iranians. So, what's my problem? Let's find out!
Here are the top ten reasons I never dated an Iranian guy. Warning: I'm about to make massive generalizations:
10. It just wouldn't be fair to my unborn children. Seriously. They already have a 50% chance of having big noses and hair in unwanted places. If I married an Iranian guy, those poor kids wouldn't stand a chance.
9. Latinos aren't the only ones with major machismo issues. This might pertain more to the generation of Iranian dudes above my own, but these are men whose mothers did everything for them growing up. I'll be damned if I marry a guy who expects me to do all the cleaning and cooking. This seems to be the one area where "taarof" doesn't come into play for Iranian men. (I'm not a big fan of the Wiki definition here-- but Taarof is basically the act of taking turns insisting on doing something-- like "I'll pay the bill" followed by someone else saying "No, I'll pay the bill" Most of the time, you have no intention of paying the bill, but you offer just to be polite.)
8. The in-laws! Aside from my own parents (and some of my relatives) who are the exception to the rule, Iranian parents LOVE to get involved in their kid's relationships/marriages. There's not a whole lot of boundaries when it comes to Persian in-laws. You can't really fault them though. I mean, their parents picked who they got married to, so why shouldn't they at least have a say in what kind of house their kid buys or what kind of wedding they have or how they raise their grandkids?
7. Speaking of weddings...if I ended up with an Iranian guy, then chances are-- his family would be as big as my family. This wouldn't be a "my big fat" wedding kind of thing. It would be "my big morbidly obese in desperate need of gastric bypass" wedding. My brain's at capacity when it comes to memorizing names of Iranian family members and remembering how I'm related to them.
6. I've always been attracted to artsy boys. Most Iranian men end up being plastic surgeons or lawyers. The musicians, writers, and painters were few and far between...which is odd considering how much good art comes out of Iran. Let the record show, I ended up with a researcher BUT he's really into art.
5. I moved to LA when I was twenty-five. I'm not down with Tehrangeles. You know, those guys who live in Beverly Hills in their parent's houses with columns and lots of marble that drive black BMWS and listen to trance. I'm talking to you, blind date guy.
4. Iranian guys don't like me! For starters, I don't look very Iranian. And I don't get dolled up often or wear a ton of make up. And I'm not a virgin. hahahaha. (Look, I said I would be making massive generalizations here.)
3. Have you seen Not Without My Daughter? Do I look like I want to marry a wife-beater? Totally kidding. That movie is super racist and we all hated Sally Field for years and years until Brothers & Sisters which basically could have been about a Persian family except for the fact that they were white and lived in Pasadena. Here's the real number three: I never ran in the Persian circle in high school or college. First of all, I think there were like two other Iranian people at my high school. In college, there was like Persian ski trips and things like that, but I never went on them. I did take a Farsi class for two years where I developed my first real crush on an Iranian guy. This guy looked like the Persian JFK Jr....but it never went anywhere and I couldn't even tell you what his name was. Probably because of reason #4. And reason #2 & #1, which I'll get to.
2. There was just way too big of a chance that I could have sex with an Iranian guy and THEN find out we were actually related.
1. The number one reason I never dated an Iranian guy was because of my brother and multitude of male Iranian cousins. When all the Iranian dudes you've surrounded yourself with growing up are guys you're related to, it's kind of hard to ever be sexually attracted to an Iranian guy. I just got a familial vibe from every Persian guy I was 99.9% sure I wasn't related to. Even though Persian JFK, Jr was objectively hot...picturing him naked would be like picturing one of my cousin's naked. And contrary to popular belief, this Iranian girl isn't into that.
Monday, December 12, 2011
You're probably thinking: Saaara, don't stress out. You're still young. You have so much time ahead of you. Women are having babies in their sixties now. This is true, but when those women are seventy, their kids will be ten. Plus, I'm cool with being one of the older moms at school, but I draw the line at being mistaken for my future child's grandmother.
Also, I'm thirty-one. According to recent studies, that means 90% of my eggs have already turned to dust. So, let's just pretend I decide to have my first child by 35. Which in most parts of the country is on the later side in life. And let's say it could take me up to a year to get pregnant. Then, factor in the 9 month (which is actually really 10 months) of cooking the kid...then, throw in the fact that only children scare me and that I will want to have more kids before I'm say, 40. And that each kid will probably put my career on hold for at least a year. And let's not forget, Hollywood is ageist and young, hip, female writers are all the rage...= all things considered, I'd say I have about two years to get my career in tip-top shape before getting knocked up. FUCK ME.
This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night. And it's the kind of shit that the H-bomb is subjected to when I'm on a downward spiral. And truth be told...he does not have to factor children into his career trajectory at all. He can be a dad and maybe one day run a company at the same time without any pauses in between.
So, perhaps I should rethink the whole "kids" thing all together. But then who's going to take care of me when I'm really old and need someone to drive me to doctor's appointments?
I don't think I have an answer to this post right now. The biological clock is a major bummer, but at least it's also a great motivator to make some career strides a-s-a-p. And to all my Facebook friends/new moms...keep on doing what you're doing...cause even though it makes me panic, the pictures of your cute babies totally make up for it.
Friday, December 9, 2011
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
-Fiona Apple, 1998
OMG. Remember this video of Fiona just floating around? She wrote this song when she was FIFTEEN! Take that, Taylor Swift! I feel like Fiona Apple is the Angelina Jolie of the music world. Like, she just needs to meet her Brad Pitt and she'll mellow out. I wish she would stop BLOWING off the spotlight and make more music already. Who else is going to tell us at award shows that this world is bullshit?!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Here's what we know as far as the back story goes. Lauren met Mike at the New York Philharmonic and went out on one "horrific" date with him. We don't know why the date was horrific, but if this email is any indication, Lauren may have been out with a guy that keeps women in his basement and wears their skin on cold nights. Let this be a lesson to us all: we can't go fucking ape shit on e-mail anymore. This shit will go viral.
Read the below and then read how we would respond to Mike if we were Lauren.
------ Message From: Date: Sun, 4 Dec 2011 14:19:39 -0500 To: Subject: Hi Lauren
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can't see someone's body language or tone of voice in an email. I'm not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I'm honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.
I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.
Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:
-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.
-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.
-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.
In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).
I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again. Normally, I wouldn't ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.
If you don't want to go again, then apparently you didn't think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.
If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I've gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I'm not a serial dater. Sometimes, I've only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.
Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.
I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.
If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I'm sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.
If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.
How does one even respond to an email like this? I honestly feel like if someone did a psych eval on this email, Mike would end up in the same category as kids that go on shooting sprees at their high schools and men who rape cats. I also get a kind of Rain Man vibe here without the endearing fart jokes.
Here are a few other things I think we can discern about Mike through this email. He has no friends. Clearly, there are no dudes in his life telling him how to act around a girl and there's no platonic female friends to tell him he's creepy and weird. I also think Mike might be an alien. But not one of those friendly aliens like ALF or ET. One of those freaky aliens that uses probes and gels like in that DB Sweeney movie, Fire in the Sky.
He's also a stalker.
Mike also has zero self awareness and no game. You just can't send a girl an email that's longer than a paragraph after a first date. People also need to stop reprimanding each other for not returning emails or text messages after one date. Like, if the girl disappeared after a couple months of dating-- FINE, but you can't shoot off hate mail after not hearing back from a person after one night out. There's nothing more awkward than "dumping" someone when you've only been out with them once. We all take the path of least resistance and just never return their calls. It's the decent thing to do.
Mike also might be gay. Do straight guys use acronyms like "FYI" or words like "appealing" and say things like their feelings have been hurt and they're disappointed? Nevermind, a gay guy would write a much funnier and sassier email. And I can stereotype like that, because there's a gay man living inside of me. On second thought, I think Mike might be built like a Ken doll under his pants.
Mike needs to cool it on the over-analyzing. Girls who play with their hair are not preening. They are just trying to distract themselves from the fact that they either want to cry or throw up from wondering where they made such a massive wrong turn in their dating life that brought them to dinner with the icky guy from the New York Philharmonic who works for his parents and talks about how much money he makes.
And, Mike-- for future reference? Nice to meet you is a BLOW OFF. It means I hope I never seen you again, you weird alien serial killer.
The truly tragic thing about this email is that Mike actually thinks he might be convincing Lauren to go on another date with him...when poor Lauren is probably meeting with the FBI and signing up for some sort of dating protection program.
I will say, I do appreciate Mike's logic about them both liking classical music. Like-- come on, date me-- it won't require any of your additional time.
I hope Lauren gives Mike the feedback he's asking for. He clearly needs it. But if she doesn't, Mike---
You are the 1%. And by 1% we mean the percentage of the population that's going to be alone forever.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
I'm a total kids person. I love hanging out with kids, playing with them, teaching them new things. But dating a GUY with kids....now that's another story. I've found few relationship experiences to be as torturous as dating a guy who's kind of an asshole (but of course I'm crazy about him anyways), who also happens to have 2 ADORABLE kids.
It wasn't the kids themselves that were bad - there was no stepmama drama here. The kids were sweet and well-adjusted. It was the way this guy used his kids to manipulate me. He dangled his kids in front of me - showing me videos of them, parading them all over his Facebook page, but he refused to let me meet them. He did everything he could to make me fall in love with them (not that hard given their cute speech impediments and hair cuts), but he never gave them a chance to fall in love with me.
I get it - with kids, it's more complicated, and you have to think of their feelings before you think of your own. And I did - I was patient....very, very patient. Only after months and months, did I quietly mention that I'd love to meet them. After all that time, when he finally sprung them on me, I was post-workout sweaty and we were at an Islands. Not the romantic kids meeting I had always imagined when I was watching videos of them on Facebook, late at night, half drunk and totally misty-eyed. But the worst part wasn't waiting to meet them, or meeting them for the first time by surprise, in a strip mall. It was never getting to meet them again.
Despite my routine of buying them superhero trinkets I knew they'd love, the only thing I got from that point on was the chance to watch videos of them getting my gifts, and all the while Dad gets credit for the purchase! After I met the boys, this guy used his kids as an excuse to keep our now not-so-short fling a secret. The kids meant I had to sneak into his place late at night, and we could only have sex on his living room couch, silently. By transitive property, this means the kids were eventually used to make me kiss my dignity goodbye. They were the reason he couldn't call me for 5 days. In these silent treatments, I'd find myself googling the kids' names + obituary, for fear something terrible had happened to them. Because of course, the only thing that could explain my guy's sudden disappearance was the death of his child.
But the kids were sort of his prop, a trump card of an excuse, an easy way to never let me get too close to him. And I eventually realized I was using the kids as an excuse too. I used the kids to excuse this guy's ridiculous behavior all the time. This guy loved his kids, and he was a good dad, so how could a guy who was a great Dad be such an asshole? I don't know, but he was. I guess, not so surprisingly, being a great Dad doesn't make you a great partner. So when you're with a guy with kids - I say, watch out for the guy, not the kids. I gave my guy such a big handicap because of his kids. I assumed that if he would never do anything to hurt his kids, he would never do anything to hurt me. Big mistake. Huge.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Here's the back story. Adam just hired this hot new assistant to work at his recording studio. He told her that she doesn't need to dress so provocatively, because she's smart and beautiful on the inside, but she took that the wrong way and kissed him. When Adam told his wife Kristina about the kiss, she asked him to fire the assistant. Here's what happened when he couldn't go through with it:
This fight seems so real, right? I'm def Team Kristina on this one. I love when she says that every other women in her situation would feel the same way (I've used that line in many an argument). And the whole hot girl in the workplace does bug me out a little bit. I mean, a former Bachelor contestant just started working at my H-bomb's company. What if he comes home one day and tells me he gave her the final rose and I end up getting interviewed by Chris Harrison in some After the Final Rose show where we're surrounded by candles and terrible flower arrangements and a studio audience? This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night.
Anyway, please start watching Parenthood. It's the best drama on Broadcast TV.
Monday, December 5, 2011
For me, true love is the kind of love that doesn't give you panic attacks or tunnel vision. It's more of the mellow/comfortable/sane variety. And that doesn't mean it's necessarily boring or passion-less or even easy.
Don't take my word for it. Just ask Anne Hathaway. She was in love with a rich Italian dude who wooed her with yachts and private jets and super expensive jewelry. She totally let him sweep her off her feet (even though he had a really chubby face!) and then it turned out...he was a total fraud who got sentenced to four years in prison. Now she's engaged to a super normal looking white mellow hipster guy who wears knit sweaters. See, what I mean? Intense = fraud. Normal looking white mellow hipster guy who wears knit sweaters= true love. The moral of this story is steer clear of guys with names like Raffaello and stick to guys with names like Adam.
So, don't worry if you feel like your relationship is filled with mundane moments like picking a movie On Demand and wearing matching hoodies. That's actually a good thing. Trust me, you don't want the screaming fights, the emotionally confused text messages, and the tear-filled orgasms. In the words of an Occupy Wall Street protest sign that "shit is fucked up and bullshit". Instead, just try finding someone you can fart around. That's when you truly know what you have is real.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Girl just tonight
Float away here with me
An evening just wait and see
But tomorrow go back to your man
I'm back to my world
And we're back to being friends
-Dave Matthews Band, 1996
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I'd like to say that once I got to college I went wild and started kissing everyone and their brother, but obviously, I'm not nearly that cool. In fact, over the course of 2-and-a-half years I managed to keep the number of guys-that-I'd kissed to 1 hand. Ok, let's be real, 1 finger. Yes, I know, the term "late bloomer" doesn't even begin to cover it.
During my junior year of college, all too aware of my nun-level stats, I devised a classy little plan. It was a quarter long experiment, to be recorded in a blog, where I sought to multiply my list by 10 and makeout with a random guy every week! This got off onto a good start, too. That first weekend I sloppily made out with a friendly young chap named Santiago (his friends called him Santi), and then consequently went to the hospital for acute intoxication. So much for liquid courage. Needless to say, I ended the experiment and all drinking for the rest of the term.
Since then, I've managed to kiss a number of other guys (I'm still under ten) and avoided subsequent hospitalization. However, this success has only made me realize how many bad kissers there really are out there. And unfortunately, I've blown off 2 guys after being disenchanted by their kissing technique.
The first guy I blew off happened after our second kiss. Although I was unimpressed with our previous lip lock, (far too much initial tongue) I was a bit intoxicated, and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt by trying it out again a few days later. However, this was a mistake. Again, he led with way too much tongue, which was really rough, and he kept positioning his body in a more submissive role. This was never amended with actual rhythm since we only kissed in brief intervals of commercial breaks during an episode of Chelsea Lately (another red flag to be discussed at an entirely different time). It was really weird, and I was not feeling it. Yet, the worst part of the entire interaction was when he made the comment, "I'm so relieved you're not a bad kisser." This was alarming for 2 reasons: a. I couldn't say the same for him, and b. his awful performance from the first kiss affected mine to the point that he thought I was bad. I broke things off shortly after.
The next blow off happened about a year later. I was finally going to kiss someone that I thought I'd really liked, only to have my crush obliterated by horrible kissing. This guy employed way too much biting. Again, I tried my best to go with it, but fearing a cleft palette, I said, "You're hurting me." This concern went completely ignored, and I found myself playing defense and waiting for him to get tired and stop. I moved away about a month later.
So, there it is. My kiss-tory. Clearly, I'm not an expert, yet I do think that kissing is an important aspect of any romantic relationship and a strong indicator of chemistry. But what about you? Do you think the quality of a kiss is a justifiable reason for a blow off? Can people be taught to kiss differently, or better? Can you like someone enough that you can see past the bad kissing to encourage improvement, or is it just too much of a turnoff to overcome?