Monday, January 2, 2012

2012 resolutions: the Facebook edition

It's 2012! A new year! A clean slate! And according to the Mayans, the last year on earth! In which case, I really don't think any of us should worry about making any New Year's resolutions. Rather, we should immediately stop exercising, eat everything we want, and have sex with as many people as possible. If that doesn't sit well with you, then I've created a set of social networking resolutions-- in other words-- things I will no longer do on Facebook. Honestly, part of me wants to BLOW OFF Facebook all together, but it's pretty much the only way I market this blog, so I'm stuck with it for the time being. That said, I think if all of you practiced the following resolutions, Facebook would be a much more pleasant place to hang out.

10. In 2012, I will no longer complain on Facebook. I don't have cancer, I'm not homeless, and I live in a warm climate-- that means I have absolutely nothing to complain about in life. I will no longer bitch about bad drivers, terrible playlists in spinning classes, or annoying people that don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them. I do reserve the right to gripe about TV shows, but only once a week.

9. I will begin to practice the three strikes and you're out rule on Facebook. Three annoying updates and I'm hitting the "unsubscribe" button. The top three types of updates that make me crazy: "deep" quotes/song lyrics, over the top PDAs about significant others, and checking in on Four Square everywhere you go.

8. Aside from the above, I will stop bitching about what other people are posting on Facebook in my updates. Some people are the biggest social networking Grinches. I don't need to be told that there are more important things going on in the world than Steve Jobs dying or that all I post about are TV shows. It's Facebook. I'm not going to post my inner thoughts and feelings. I unsubscribe from people who do that.

7. I certainly will not bitch about any changes to Facebook. Remember when that Troy Davis picture went around? I was so glad I did not say anything bad about the new Facebook that day. Although, what is up with that whole timeline thing?

6. I will not post bad pictures of other people on Facebook. I've gotten in trouble for this one before. I would like to let the record show that my privacy settings only allow my friends to see the photos--- so your co-workers that I'm not friends with won't see that picture of you acting like a drunk idiot, I promise.

5. I will begin to institute the midnight rule-- which means that I will not write anything on Facebook after midnight. That means no status updates, no "likes", and no comments on other people's updates. Nothing good comes out of surfing Facebook late at night. I just end up commenting on posts of people I don't even know that well. Before I know it, it's 2am and I've spent the last hour looking at a friend of a friend of a friend's photo album of their new cute bi-racial baby.

4. No Facebook TMI in 2012. I'm pretty good about this one, but if I ever get comfortable enough to discuss things like menstrual cramps, mexican food burps, or bladder control problems, please unsubscribe from me and then shoot me.

3. I will no longer bore you guys with the details of my workout routine in 2012. At the end of the day, no one effing cares if I went on a long run or got my ass kicked in kettle bell or followed a hike with a bike ride and a swim and Bikram yoga. No. One. Cares.

2. If three friends have already shared that video of Zooey D and Joseph Gordon-Levitt being so cute it makes the rest of us feel bad about ourselves...then that probably means I don't have to share it too. No more over-sharing links and posts in 2012! If I'm late to the party, then I'm late to the party and I just need to suck it up.

1. This one is going to be REALLY HARD. It's an election year after all. But unless some crazy GOP shit goes down and I'll die if I don't comment about it, I'm going apolitical on Facebook. No status updates about how I'm still team Obama and how Newt Gingrich makes me want to blow my brains out or move to Canada. If that's just too hard to do, then I will most certainly not engage in any political debates on Facebook. Nothing good ever comes out of it. And the last time I tried to do it, I spelled touché-- tu chez--- and felt really stupid.

Now is probably a good time to warn you about all the annoying things I will continue to do on Facebook in 2012: I will continue to sing Ryan Gosling's praises, upload pictures of what I'm eating, post pictures of my nephew and puppy on a regular basis, try to purposely be funny and clever in my status updates, talk about TV shows like Revenge and American Idol on a regular basis, brag about celebrity sightings at my gym, solicit advice about electronics and restaurants in places I'm traveling to, and publicly thank my friends and family members for doing nice things for me. That shit ain't going anywhere in 2012. But no worries, if it annoys you-- just unsubscribe me. I fucking dare you!

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