Wednesday, January 11, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

This episode of the Bachelor was extremely confusing for me, because it did not begin with Chris Harrison explaining the rules of the show to the eighteen contestants. I was completely lost by the whole "one on one" date VS the whole "group date" phenomenon. Where the hell was Harrison when you needed him?! I mean, the guy is worth his weight in gold. I'm guessing ABC probably realized that after watching 16 seasons of this show, the girls did not need a refresher course.

The episode begins with the ladies flying to Sonoma to get a feel for Ben F's hometown. Having grown up in Northern California and spending many family vacations at the Embassy Suites in Napa, it's a little funny for me to see these parts of Cali on such a "grand" scale, but it just makes me love monkey-faced Ben F all the more. Northern Cali boys are the best.

The first date card arrives and Kacie B. wins the first one on one date. Damn. I knew I underestimated this chick. Historically, the person that gets the first one on one date usually lands a spot in the final four. I am actually totally making that statistic up. What do you guys take me for? Someone who has charts and graphs on statistical trends from the Bachelor franchise? Um, no. Here's a statistic: white people dating white people.

Ben picks Kacie B up on their date and I'm super into her outfit. Short shorts, boots, and a sailor inspired sweater. You have to give the girl some props. She's from the south, but she can still put an outfit together. Ben keeps saying that he wants to show the girls Sonoma, because one of them could very well live there with him someday. Who cares. It's not Siberia. I don't think people are going to have that much trouble adjusting to living in wine country.

Ben and Kacie's first stop is a candy store where for apparently no reason they buy a lunch box. After a couple scenes of them being oh so goofy and cute, Kacie runs back in the store to surprise Ben with something. I'm assuming purely based on the number of times we've heard him reference his dad in the first 10 minutes of this episode, she's going to walk out with a chocolate replica of the man, but instead...Kacie surprises him with a baton. Apparently, she just caught a glimpse of it walking out of the store and had to go back in to buy it. But I'm a savvy viewer and I know better. When was the last time anyone saw a freaking baton anywhere, let alone in a candy store?! Obvi, this was all staged by the producers of the show.

I will admit that Kacie B. was kind of cute and deadpan when she showed Ben the baton. It made me like her just a little bit (although her laugh is like the anti-viagra). Kacie does a couple of cheesy baton moves and Ben thinks it's as amazing as performing triple bypass surgery.

Kacie B and Ben have dinner and talk about how he's so comfortable with her and how she's southern and why Sonoma reminds him of his dad. Then, Kacie says she would move anywhere for true love, because that's how she was raised. In other words, she was brought up to be a wife and marry rich. The girl should be dating Don Draper.

If you didn't watch the show, you will not believe what happens next. It's beyond atrocious, even by Bachelor standards. Kacie and Ben go to this old theater to presumably watch a movie? I'm guessing they will be surprised by Jason Mraz and we'll have to watch them slow dance to some new song called Roses are Red. But that's not what happens. Instead, they end up showing home video footage of Kacie and Ben with their families from when they were kids. This is like the kind of crap they make you sit through at weddings. This sequence made me SO mad, because of course I started balling the second they showed Ben's dad (who was hot by the way). I don't handle death well and this was extremely manipulative on the part of ABC. Then it got super weird when they started showing footage of Emily's dead fiance and Chris L's dead mom. (Okay, that didn't happen, but it would have been awesome.) Stupid Kacie can't even wipe the smile off her face when she asks Ben how it made him feel seeing his dad. Um...sad? devastated? alone? The most awkward part about this whole thing was that Kacie's dad is still alive. But if it makes you feel better, he sexually assaulted her through her teen years. Not really.

New drinking game: chug every time Ben F mentions his father.

Group date time! This might be the lamest group date in Bachelor history. The girls are invited to audition for a play for a bunch of little kid playwrights. The children were a nice touch, but these kids SO do not live in Sonoma. They were totally plucked right out of an LA casting office and bussed to wine country for this episode. They had the perfect little one-liners and confused expressions on their faces. Personally, I think in order to mix it up, Ben should be required to take a kid with him on every one-on-one date he has with the girls to see what kind of mothers they'd make.

We go through a ridiculous audition sequence where the girls are confused by stage directions like "act like a hippie" and "do a sexy dance." Some are total naturals with the kids (Jennifer, the red head in a box accountant for instance) and some look like they're stuck in a bad Disney movie where they play the wicked step-mom. And by some, I mean Blakely and her romper. Let's take a moment to discuss Blakely. Here are the four signs that she's gets an automatic refill for Valtrex:

#1 the tattoo of the heart and key on her arm.
#2 the super long earrings
#3 the fake ass boobies
#4 the giant mouth, clearly enlarged from years of blowing more than one penis at a time

There's a Blakely on every season of The Bachelor. You know, the girl that says things like "I want that rose" AND "I'm into anal bleaching."

I won't even bore you with the recap of the ridiculously dumb play Ben and the contestants put on for the town of Sonoma. Apparently, it was written by children (AKA the Bachelor producers). All I will say is that the people of Sonoma have earned their place in heaven by attending this and that the end of the play got super weird when Ben shimmied in boxer briefs covered in feathers. Those poor children in the audience were traumatized.

It wouldn't be a group date without some poolside cocktails and bikinis. The girls gather round to toast their acting debuts, all secretly hoping that some agent tracks them down and puts them in a Steven Spielberg movie. Jennifer is quickly becoming one of my faves. She's actually one of those rare contestants that I think signed up to be on the show to find love. Not sure if that makes her likable or an idiot. But she seems down to earth and genuine and she has a pretty smile. She and Ben get some alone time where they have a really deep conversation. In Bachelor terms, that exchange goes something like this:

"I had so much fun today"
"So did I"
"You seem really down to earth"
"So do you"
*awkward kisses*
"I'm really enjoying getting to know you"
"me too"
"tell me a little about your relationship history."
"I've been hurt before, but now I'm ready to find love."

This conversation is usually followed by an interview where both Ben and the girl in question say they could see themselves falling in love with each other. The operative word here is COULD. I mean, I could really see myself curing cancer and falling in love with Ryan Gosling someday. It doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Then, of course, Blakely gets her claws into Ben and Miss Pacific Palisades is so sick to her stomach about it, she hides in a bathroom stall and calls "Fakely" a whore.

I have to say, I was pretty disappointed in Monkey Face this episode for falling for the charms of a Horse Face. I don't get it. Blakely's not attractive at all. She's got penis taped to her thigh written all over her. But Ben still managed to make out with her and give her the group date rose, proving once again that all men secretly want to motorboat a trashy slutterina. I'd really like to know how much pull the producers have when it comes to who gets roses. Is it totally up to the bachelor or is he just their puppet? I'm so afraid I will go to my grave never knowing the answer to this.

Back at the house, the next one on one date card arrives. My poor little puppy loses her shit every time the doorbell rings on this show. I think she's seriously afraid Chris Harrison's going to be standing on our doorstep. Anyway. The show's other villain-- Courtney AKA "I'm a Model" gets the next date card. Kacie B reads the date card and Courtney actually says "how did that taste coming out of your mouth." If I was KCB, I'd be like "bitch, back the fuck up."

Ben arrives to pick Courtney up with his dog named Scotch. I think Ben is a frat boy in wine maker clothing. If he was really all about wine, why wouldn't his dog be named Pinot or Malbec or Chardonnay?!

Courtney's so pretty I want to bite her face off. She's wearing the uniform of the season-- boots, short shorts, boyish top. They go for a walk in the woods and Monkey Face is totally under her spell. He keeps saying how she's so perfect and too good to be true. Yes, she's definitely the prettiest contestant, but I'm pretty sure the girl is a zombie. She has no charisma. She needs to date Ames.

Monkey Face and I'm a Model sit down for dinner and Ben tells her about his hard partying ways when he lived in San Diego and worked in internet advertising and supposedly made a lot of money. In not so many words, Ben basically admits to snorting cocaine off the butt cracks of dudes in VIP rooms of clubs in downtown San Diego. None of this phases Courtney, because she tunes everyone out when they're not talking about her. Ben asks Courtney why she's still single and she says it's because she's picky. My favorite thing about Courtney is when Ben tells her how hot she is or pays her any sort of compliment she NEVER says thank you. This woman is a mastermind. All she does is shrug and smile. I'm pretty sure she's going to get the final rose. OMG, but it was so sad when she said she dated actors (AKA Gay Jesse Metcalfe) and one time she found underwear in the bed (AKA another guy's boxers). Poor Courtney. My heart cries for her.

Needless to say, Courtney gets a rose.

Yet another rose ceremony. I'd really like to know what ABC's alcohol budget is in on this show. I'm fairly certain when the girls go to sleep, the producers hook them up to IVs of Korbel. I'm still liking my girl Rachel. She's got pretty hair and she's not slutty. But I don't think she has enough sex appeal for Ben. My girl Elyse is just way too brorange (a new crayola color inspired by the contestants of the bachelor, where brown meets orange). I'm not very confident she'll get a rose. Plus, she wasn't on any of the dates with Ben. Blakely ruffles a lot of feathers when she steals Ben away from Miss Pacific Palisades even though she already has a rose and doesn't need alone time with him. As much as I want to hate this show, I actually get really angry when girls with roses try to have alone time with Ben. It's just not right. It's like when someone on Price is Right bids a dollar above someone else. Blakely starts to feel like everyone is talking shit about her, so she does what we all do when we feel like no one likes us. She goes to the "suitcase room" and crouches in the corner. It's pretty hilarious considering she's not even crying. If you're going to sit in the corner, I want real tears--- and not just out of your vagina. Ben finds sitting there and tries to console her. OMG. Men are so dumb! Guys-- here's a tip: if you see a girl huddled in a corner pretending to cry it's a RED FLAG.

At least psycho Jenna cries under the covers like a normal crazy person. She has another meltdown about how she's not able to show Ben who she really is. Honey. Trust me. You do not want to show him who you really are. He will get a restraining order against you. Ben finds her balling and pulls her out of bed. Did anyone else notice that the alarm clock read 2:05am?! Are you kidding me? These poor bitches have to stay up that late drinking champagne and potentially catching herpes from Blakely? Not cool.

Chris Harrison shows up for the first time in this episode to take Ben away for the rose ceremony. We don't even get a room of framed photographs this season for Ben to stare at as he decides who to give a rose to. Such a rip off.

These poor ladies are freezing their asses off during the rose ceremony in their little cocktail dresses. Apparently this shit takes like hours to tape. Ben gets rid of crazy Jenna (Sigh. I'm really going to miss her. Bloggers unite!) and the mom from Phoenix with two-toned hair. Jenna cries her face off after she doesn't get a rose. I'm pretty sure the girl is strapped to a bed in some cold sterile room with padded walls right about now. I still can't believe Jaclyn and Miss Pacific Palisades made it to episode three.

Next week's episode is going to be AWESOME. Apparently, some stranger from Ben's past show up to shake things up and the girls react the way most of reacted on 9/11. Monday is my new favorite day of the week!

Check out this amazing video I found of Blakely. How do you think Ben F's dad would feel about this?


  1. if i were a contestant, i would forfeit as soon as i saw him in that outfit

  2. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

    Ok, first off. This is my first time watching the Bachelor, and I'm only doing it because I was lured in by the fact that Ben was a previous contestant on the Bachelorette. Well played, ABC.

    Anyway, this show is a disaster. I'm sure it's difficult finding staged love in two months, but these women are embarrassing. I'm surprised Jenna made it past the first episode. She was crazy train, day one. I also enjoy the fact that she attempted to tell Ben that she's "guy like" when she supposedly has a blog (it's still under construction) named after doing what all females have done from the beginning of time: over analyze. Her post rose ceremony tantrum would have been more heartbreaking if I hadn't been so distracted by the one finger nail she had painted. I'm all for slacking on the polish, but this is national TV that you're using to promote your fake blog; let's get it together.

    Sara, I'm always so impressed with these recaps, it just perpetuates my sick obsession with you. I'd also like to thank you for the Blakely porn. She looks much better in this than she does with her teased hair and horrendous earrings that were once worn as over-the-top belly rings back when those were cool and rebellious. Ben's Dad and I approve.

    And finally, I will not let you die without knowing the intricacies that are the production of this show. I'm auditioning in your honor.

    1. omg! I forgot about the one finger with the white nail polish. What the eff was that?? Sassy Pants, if you audition for this show, you will be my new hero!!!

  3. Hold the phone. Jenna's blog just loaded while I bashed her and her poor nail maintenance. She's crazy and magical. Ben's missing out.

  4. I think you are both heroes and magical for a) writing this out of control amazing recap, aka. blog...and b) trying out for the show to enlighten us all on the behind the scenes aspects of the amazingness that is the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

    Giddie up.