Wednesday, January 18, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

I feel like the entire city of San Francisco needs to be disinfected after watching the last episode of The Bachelor. It is one of my favorite cities ever (I grew up about an hour away in the very glamorous town of San Jose) and it was emotionally scarring to see it undergo a terrorist attack. Yes, I said it. The entire cast and crew of The Bachelor are terrorists. They are exactly what's wrong with this country. They like make me want to side with Al Qaeda. Totally joshing, C.I.A.

Anyway. The episode begins with the girls arriving in San Francisco-- where Ben F (AKA I look like the girl-slash-boy from Sleepaway Camp) lives. I basically fell off the couch and started convulsing when I saw Chris Harrison in their hotel room. This has to be a Harrison hologram. How did they convince this guy to travel all the way to San Francisco? The man already has so much going on. He even had to host that other show with 50 orange girls called Miss Slutmerica. Harrison is back to explain the rules of the game, because a lot of the girls were as lost as I was last week when they didn't get a play by play on the whole one on one date VS group date thing. Was it just me or did Chris look like he was about to fall asleep during this sequence? Do you think the man cries himself to sleep over the fact that he's wasting his whole life on the worst TV franchise in the world?

We see Ben walk up a hill to meet his sister and give her the lowdown on the ladies. Oh shit. He told his sister they are all professionals. Huh? Do they tell Ben the girls do something different for a living than they actually do? Is this like Joe Millionaire? he's going to end up with an astrophysicist and they're like "Surprise, she's really a personal trainer to dental hygienists?" I really like that he says Jennifer (the redheaded accountant) is the best kisser. Even though she's a little desperate and doe-eyed, she is less offensive than the other girls and seems the most down to earth. And if she's a good kisser, imagine how good she'll be at licking buttholes. Sorry, that's just the vibe I get from Ben. I don't see nothing wrong...with a little butt-hole lick....

Emily gets the first one on one date. She's the PhD student who is studying epidoeprhkwoiay. I almost crap my pants when the Model (AKA almond) says Emily is boring. This girl has no self-awareness. She has no personality whatsoever. It seems like it takes effort for her to even speak.

So, Emily has a fear of heights which guarantees she and Ben will do something that involves her freaking out and him kissing her to calm her down and then them saying things like "If we could overcome that, then we could overcome anything." Okay, admittedly--- I would die of a heart attack if I had to climb the Bay Bridge like they did. I have panic attacks just driving over the thing (Hello, '89 earthquake. I lived through that). And I would like to say to all these Reality TV of these days, someone is going to fucking die during a date. The world cannot lose another orange person. Oompa loompa's are an endangered species.

Side note, I love how back at the hotel room one of the girls randomly spotted Ben and Emily on the Bay Bridge, thanks to a telescope in the room. This shit is so staged. I'm surprised ABC didn't make it seem like the girls could hear their conversation too.

Ben and Emily have dinner together and I have to say, I'm kind of into them. She's really growing on me. Even though she kind of looks like she could have dated Hugh Hefner, she seems "chill." And I liked her story about getting matched with her brother on an online dating site. I'm not convinced Ben wants to stick it in her though, but he does give her a rose and they make out while watching fireworks. I'd like to take this opportunity to write a note to Bemily.

Dear Bemily,

Congrats on climbing the Bay Bridge. Seriously, kudos. AND not to be a Debbie Downer, but I don't think it actually means you can overcome anything together. Like...if your baby has down syndrome or your house goes into foreclosure or your entire families die during a freak virus outbreak, are you really going to turn to each other and say "Babe. We climbed the Bay Bridge. No probs!"

That's what I thought.

Love Saaara

Group date time! This might be the most demeaning and disgusting group date in Bachelor history. Ben says they're going to do something that's always been on his "leap list." Who actually has leap lists? Ugh. Sounds like the title of a Katie Hiegl movie. Anyway, the thing on his leap list is skiing down a hill in San Francisco. Cue the fake snow. So, this could be kind of cute and fun...except that the girls inexplicably have to wear bikinis while they ski, because it's apparently 85 degrees in San Francisco. First of all, it's never 85 degrees in San Francisco. Second of all, where did those bikinis even come from? Third of all, who does ABC think is watching this show? They could make the girls hump each other in the snow wearing nothing but ski boots and men would still not tune in. Women watch this show and none of us are interested in seeing these girls in bikinis in every episode. Let alone on skis! On that note, KCB has a rocking body.

Back at the hotel, the one on one date card arrives and Brittney gets the next date. This is really fishy. Brittney's not pretty enough to get a one on one date....and Lindzi, who got the first impression rose, hasn't even gone out on a date yet. Suddenly, Brittney decides that "this situation" is really hard and she wants to skip the date with Ben and go home. I smell another rat. Do you think after years of watching the show, Brittney suspected she was going to be the girl that got sent home on the one on one date and decided to break up with Ben before he could break up with her...? Anyway, Brittney interrupts the group date to tell Ben she's Audi. Ben doesn't really care and puts her in a cab. We learn that this is the hardest decision Brittney has ever made in her life. NO COMMENT.

Back to the group date. Ben seems pretty drunk and it's oddly turning me on. Rachel, the somewhat mannish fashionista, gets the group date rose and KCB is not happy. What do you guys think of KCB? She's obviously cute and "sparkly" and her and Ben would make pretty babies, but I feel like she's one of those girls that would respond to anything with "whatever you want to do." I kind of want to punch her in the face and I kind of want to make out with her at the same time.

Okay, Lindze gets the next date and I really don't think I have a single funny thing to say about this one on one. I mean, I actually swooned when they were dancing in City Hall. I'm not kidding. I want to do that. I also kind of want to scrape Lindzi's foundation off her face with my fingernails. She confuses me. Sometimes she's pretty and sometimes she looks like clay-mation. They have pretty good chemistry though and she seems like a decent human being. And I can't believe the "welcome to dumpsville text" came from a guy she was dating for a YEAR AND A HALF. Everyone knows dating someone that long warrants a phone call or email break up. Finally, I've totally been to that bar Bourbon and Branch. You heard it here first, folks. I'm hip.

HOLD UP. I almost forgot to write about Ben and Lindzi going into the piano store so Ben could play This Year's Love by David Gray again. I'm fairly certain the guy does not play piano (don't you think we would have gotten a taste of that in Ashley's season?) and the producers from the show taught him three bars of this song to play in every episode. And yet, this effing song gets me every time!!!

And now for the moment we've all been waiting for. The ROSE CEREMONY. This was basically as exciting and anxiety-inducing as watching the last five minutes of The Sopranos finale. I shit you not. Here's what happened. Shawntel, the funeral director from Brad Womack's season, drives all the way to San Francisco to ask Ben F to give her a rose. Sigh. It reminds me of that line in Sex and the City-- when guys make a grand gesture, it's romantic-- when women do it, it's psychotic. And this does feel a bit psychotic. This poor girl would do anything not to embalm people for the rest of her life.

Here was the other big shocker of the night. Chris Harrison actually had to greet her outside the hotel. Does this man ever get a break? I hope they paid him extra for that.

I was about to say I wouldn't bore you with the details of the cocktail party, but I have to say I thought it was cute when Ben F told Jennifer she was the best kisser of the group. Take that, Model! And of course, Jennifer is too nice to rub all the other girl's faces in it.

Okay, back to Shawntel. She walks in and it is like the ghost of Adolf Hitler just walked into the room. The girls go nuts. Initially, there was a lot of "who's that girl...? Which I found odd, because don't these sluts watch every season of The Bachelor?! But then, within seconds, everyone was like "it's Shawntel, the funeral director from Brad's season." Glad we cleared that up. Ben is floored when he sees Shawntel and they are kind of cute together. She tells him she has feelings for him and if he feels the same way, he should give her a rose. And NO JOKE, they are pretty much surrounded by the rest of the girls during this entire exchange. Um, these contestants do not know the first thing about playing it cool. If I was on this show, I'd be in the other room doing body shots off Harrison and being like "" There is a lot of swearing, a lot of girls calling Shawntel a bitch and a homewrecker, and a lot of tears. The girls keep saying Shawntel's known Ben for three minutes (as opposed to the two hours the other ladies have spent with him.) Shawntel referenced earlier that she knows Ben and they've hung out before, but we don't get much clarification on that.

Oh, this is off topic, but good news. There's this long shot of the Model walking-- and she has really bad legs and walks like Wesley "Noxeema" Snipes in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything. -Julie Newmar.

To quote my friend Tiffany, this really was the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. When Model gets a rose, she accepts it, but calls Ben out on the whole "what's her butt" thing. Run, run like the wind Ben! This girl is already acting all high maintenance like she owns you? Oh, hell no. And I don't care how pretty she is, anyone that says things like "What the butt" is ugly on the inside. Then, one of the girls who looks like an alien (and who we later find out has the word "amore" tattooed inside her mouth), faints when it looks like she won't get a rose. Jaclyn, who is just really unfortunate looking, is balling her eyes out when it's down to one rose and she hasn't gotten one yet. Um, this girl should be counting her lucky stars she even made it this far. Anyway, Ben decides not to give out the final rose, which means alien girl, Jaclyn, and Shawntel all have to go home. Ultimately, Ben says giving Shawntel a rose wouldn't be fair to the rest of the girls. It's probably the "stand up" thing to do, but how juicy would this show have been if Shawntel got a rose and had to live with the girls?!?! I was frankly a little disappointed she didn't stick around. And she turned into a blubbering mess and kept saying "i feel so stupid." Uh, yeah. She kind of should. Why? Because statistically speaking, the odds were on Shawntel's side all along. This girl actually thinks Ben will marry the person he gives the final rose to? NO! He's going to break up with her six weeks after the finale airs. Or is she smarter than all of us and this was really one last ditch effort to be the next Bachelorette?!?

Back by popular demand:


  1. A few side notes: In this house, we refer to Jaclyn as Larry Bird. Sad to see Larry go. Every time I see red-headed Jennifer I impulsively cackle "WE WANTS THE REDDIE!" just like the pirates from the eponymous Disneyland ride. Courtney can do weird contortionist things with her face. KCB for the win!