Wednesday, January 25, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

I would like to start this post on a personal family note. My mom has been wanting to watch The Bachelor since I started re-capping it, but my dad hates it and refuses to participate. I learned from my younger brother that they finally caught it Monday night and every five seconds my dad kept saying: "yooouuuu motherfucker" to the TV screen. I think that sums things up quite nicely. Back to our normal recap:

I was really disappointed with Mormons this week for letting the cast of The Bachelor visit Park City, UT-- although, I guess a good alternative title for the show could be "The Polygamist & the Helicopter: One man's romance with 25 former Toddler & Tiara contestants" so on second thought, Utah makes complete sense.

Ben says he wants to bring the girls to Park City so they can "experience the outdoors". Uh-- have these girls never gone on a hike in their life? I guess when you're spending all your free time in a Las Vegas Casino, a tanning bed, and a dentist's office, you don't really get out much.

Why is Chris Harrison here explaining the rules again to the girls?! And why is his collar popped like Mike Seaver in Growing Pains? And why does KCB think she's going to get another one on one date? Hasn't she watched this show before? If you've already had a one on one date, you're not gonna get another one for at least two more episodes.

If I seem to be a little too hard on KCB today, it's because the H bomb was a way too into her while we watched this episode. He even said they have the same chin. Oh, hell no.

Rachel gets the first one on one date and I have a bad feeling she might get sent home. Ben F who after this episode, I would now like to refer to as Ben what the F picks Rachel up in a helicopter. Holla! First helicopter ride of the season. All the other girls stare in complete shock as the helicopter flies around Park City. Newsflash ladies: it's not a UFO!!! Take it back a notch! (P.S. How fun is it to say things like "Newsflash"?)

Okay, is this just fancy editing to make us think Rachel won't get a rose or do her and Ben what the F have zero chemistry? They don't have anything to talk about. Chris Harrison warned these girls at the beginning of the episode NOT to talk about the weather and that's exactly what they're doing. Oh no. I don't like this. Rachel seems relatively normal. I don't want her to go home! Didn't I say purely based on her picture that she would be more closed off and guarded than the other girls and that Ben would say things like their relationship was moving slower!? This date was such a snooze that I don't have anything funny to say about it. Rachel finally tells Ben that she has a really hard time talking about her feelings and that she's basically emotionally handicapped, but he gives her a rose anyway because guys like a challenge. Side note, during this sequence I said out loud-- "why isn't Ben digging deeper?" and got this response from my life partner: I think he just wants to bone her.

UGH. How many more interviews with KCB are they gonna show where she says things like "any time with Ben is a good time"? I honestly think Ben could force her to have sex with the gimp from Pulp Fiction and she would still say it was the best date of her life.

Group date time. Ben and the ladies get to go horse back riding which was a major disappointment, because I expected Lindzi, the horse lover, to do some cool tricks or to scream "yee-haw" and she didn't do any of that. I can't decide how I feel about Nicki. She seems like KCB-lite. She possesses all the same qualities-- twinkle in her eye, never complains about anything, smiles all the time...but she's just not as skinny or stylish.

The girls go fly fishing and Courtney, the JCPenney model, is in fine form. I'm just going to put this out there. I hate this bitch. And it's not because she's pretty. It's because she has no personality. Her facial expressions don't even change. And her snarky remarks aren't even funny. She says shit like "the girls all want to catch a fish, but I want to catch Ben." Um, at least Michelle from Brad Womack's season was hilarious. And it really makes me mad that Ben what the F is falling for her act. Anyway, proving that good things happen to bad people, Courtney catches a fish. Personally, I did not buy this at all. I know this fish was trained by the producers of this show to take Courtney's bait. However, my brother and husband both gave Courtney props because "she's got game" and because she's not there to make friends.

Side note: what is so wrong about making friends on a reality show? What is wrong with us as a country and as a people if we celebrate contestants who don't make friends?!

Anyway, Ben goes on and on about how impressed he was by all the girls and my husband delivered the night's best line of commentary: "those girls could have pooped in the water and he would have said it was amazing."

Okay, so let's skip ahead to the best moment of the episode. Miss Pacific Palisades gets some alone time with Ben and she starts whining about how she's only been on group dates and hasn't had any one on one dates and Ben basically dumps her on her ass and sends her home for complaining! Initially, this made me LOVE Ben, because she was being ungrateful and bitchy and doing weird things with her tongue, but the more I thought about it-- the more it actually seemed pretty mean. First of all-- it remained a mystery why he kept this girl around for as long as he did. Second of all-- he tells her that she's been highly emotional on the group dates (which is true, she did cry in a bathroom stall) BUT if that's his reason for dumping her, then he needs to get rid of all these sluts! I mean, Blakely was in the fetal position and fake crying in the corner of a room and he didn't dump her. And since this was towards the end of the group date, would it have killed Ben to let this girl put on another atrocious dress and hang around for the cocktail party and get dumped at the rose ceremony like every other self respecting contestant? And lastly, I feel like Ben is the kind of guy that dumps a girl as soon as things start getting "hard." I don't think he can handle it when a girl isn't kissing his ass the whole time. I have a feeling the producers told him he had to send someone home that night just to keep things interesting.

Here's the other reason Ben F earned the nickname of Ben What the F in this episode. Just like last week, he reassures KCB that he wants to feel the walls of her vagina by taking her far away from the group date and making out with her. It's pretty clear she's the frontrunner (but I have to ask-- what does he really know about her aside from the fact she used to baton?). And while in real time it could have been hours later, in TV time, he takes Courtney aside five minutes later and makes out with her and tells her how into her he is. And when she starts saying how hard this whole process is and how she feels like they have a connection, blah blah blah-- he gives her the rose!!! I don't get it. This girl is so unconvincing and insincere. I honestly would not be surprised if she was reading off cue cards when she told him how upset she was. I don't understand why Ben is so blinded by her beauty. He's making an ass of himself with her! This girl should date Bentley.

Jennifer gets the next one on one date. She's seems like a sweet girl, but again, I'm not sure if she has much of a personality beyond smiling really big and blushing. She and Ben have to jump down a crater into water and surprise, surprise-- Jennifer is afraid of heights. Clearly, a fear of heights is another pre-req to getting on this show. The crater thing is a little anti-climactic cause it turns out the water is like five feet below them. Anyway, they have dinner, it rains a lot, and then they go to this weird country music concert with a bunch of extras who I'm hoping were paid thousands of dollars to look that peppy and happy while listening to painfully awful music. I mean, I'm pretty sure Ben prefers to listen to the likes of Jack Johnson and Jason Mraz.

The best part of this date is when he asks Jennifer if she could handle a different lifestyle-- because apparently Ben's life is super unpredictable and cray-cray compared to an 8-5 job. The H bomb delivered my other favorite line: What, is he a super-hero? Needless to say, Jennifer gets a rose.

Back at the house, our PhD candidate can't deal with the model anymore and contemplates telling Ben that Courtney isn't who he thinks she is. How much did you guys love that Blakely was fixing Emily's roots in this scene?! It would have been so hot if all her hair fell out!

At the cocktail party, Emily makes the giant mistake of telling Ben the girl he most wants to 69 is a huge bitch. Even though I agree with Em, Ben looks at her like she just told him she has a penis and a vagina. He totally gives her the cold shoulder, slaps her across the face, and says "don't you ever talk about Courtney like that. She is the kindest, gentlest, soul in the world."

I think my favorite part of this episode is when Kacie S tells Courtney that Emily is talking smack about her to Ben. These two geniuses are a piece of work. It's like a meeting of the minds. I'm pretty sure they only have the mental capacity to speak in one syllable words. I also love how everyone is horrified that Emily "would use her time with Ben to talk about another girl." I think the show needs to shake things up and add a ticking clock any time someone gets one on one time with Ben and when their time is up, award show music should play.

Of course Courtney tells Emily she's now on her shit list and Emily starts crying, because she's not used to people not liking her. (Random observation, is it just me or does it look like Emily still has her baby teeth?)

Ben proves once again that he has a really good memory, because he does not need to look at framed photos of the girls before the rose ceremony.

I am on pins and needles wondering if Emily will get a rose at the end of the ceremony and she does (yay!) which means Monica is sent home. I liked Monica. She was like the friend in every romantic comedy that doesn't have a life of her own besides listening to the lead character talk about their love life. I am completely shocked that she's crying in the car, because I thought she wasn't into Ben at all and I'm not sure they've ever spoken. I'm pretty sure she's referring to Blakely when she talks about how awful it is to love someone that doesn't have feelings for you.

Anyway, that was Monday's episode in a very long-winded nutshell. I swear, I try to make these recaps shorter, but there is just SO much to make fun of. Here's a gem of a video sent to me by my friend AC.


  1. HAhahahahah, I LOVE your dad. But I don't know him, so, is that awkward?!?!

  2. Don't you dare make these recaps shorter. In fact, feel free to turn each one into a novel. We'd read it.

    P.S. Don't even get me started on often my man defends KCB. Enough already! I get it. (Oh snap! Daniel watches The Bachelor with me. Busted!)