Tuesday, January 31, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode five

I think I am officially losing it, but I was kind of attracted to Chris Harrison at the beginning of this episode. He looked kind of hot wearing a flannel. Clearly there is something wrong with me. I think any man at this point is better than Ben F.

The girls arrive in Puerto Rico and Harrison meets them to go over the rules AGAIN, in case they forgot the explanation he gave them last week. It's like hearing someone explain the rules to hop-scotch or tic-tac-toe every week. I don't know how much more of it I can take.

Nikki gets the first one on one with Ben and she seriously acts like she just found out she gets to have sex with Ryan Gosling. This girl is just way too overeager for me. The best part of this date card was that it was written in Spanish and since the producers of this show are members of the KKK, there were no Latina contestants to translate. Thank God for the girl with the PhD. Otherwise, Nikki would have no clue what she was going to do on her date.

Ben and Nikki meet in Old San Juan and of course it starts to rain really hard. And the show producers have no back up plan, so we're forced to watch these two pretend like it's fun to run around in the rain. Ben loves that Nikki can "roll with the punches" BUT wtf does he think she's going to do? Get all bitchy and passive aggressive about the rain on national television? Of course she's going to pretend nothing phases her. At some point, and I can't remember when, Nikki actually says that God is smiling down on them. Note to God: if you are spending any of your time smiling down on Bachelor contestants than you really need to get your priorities straightened out.

Ben what the F and Nikki go shopping for some dry clothes and I didn't think it was even possible, but she ends up wearing an even uglier dress than the one she had on before (and what was with that terrible nail polish color?) Ben puts on a white linen outfit and I'm starting to think he looks just like a really tall version of Tattoo from Fantasy Island:Of course, Ben and Nikki just happen to sit on a bench right in front of a church wedding. Is it just me or does this show feel more and more contrived?! She opens up to Ben about her divorce. She was married for three years, but they grew into different people, blah blah blah. Ben asks her if they went to therapy and she says yes, but then slips in that they didn't see a counselor for that long. Bitch went to therapy once. I bet she divorced her husband just to go on this freaking show: I gave up everything, my job, my dog, my husband.

The geniuses back at the house figure out that once the group date card arrives they'll know through the process of elimination who has the next one on one date. Elyse, who has only been on one group date with Ben, ends up getting the one on one date. She was one of my final four predictions before the show even aired, but now I'm worried. Every season, at least one person gets sent home in the middle of a one on one date. And if you're the girl that has barely even had one conversation with the guy, then the reason you got that one on one date card is cause your ass is getting dumped.

Nikki gets a rose from Ben on their date. Not a huge shocker. My favorite thing about these dates is that totally play out like a job interview. In the end, Ben compliments Nikki on all her great qualities-- you know, stuff like opening up and being honest and making him feel like he can really be himself.

Group date time: The girls arrive at a baseball field and they nearly fall over in shock and confusion when Chris Harrison shows up. WTF? This guy is totally working overtime this week. Chris tells the girls they have to split up into teams of two and play baseball for Ben's time-- the winning team gets to continue on the rest of the group date and the losing team has to go home.

Everyone looks so damn sporty...except, I hate to admit it, but redhead Jennifer was looking a little on the doughy side. The girl was totally wearing the mom jeans equivalent of work out gear and it was not doing her any favors. Anyway, the two teams were as follows--

Red Team: The model, KCB, KCS, girl I forgot was still on the show, and Lindzi who Ben picked to play for both teams.
Blue Team: the PhD student, VIP stripper girl (also goes by the name of Blakely), Mom Jeans Redhead, Rachel, and Lindzi.

Ben pitches to both teams, but I'm guessing he threw some easy pitches at the red team, cause he likes them better and because they win the game. The blue team is super devastated. It's like watching the Cubs lose the World Series. They keep crying about how much they need more "time" with Ben and now they're not going to get it. Ladies! Pull it together! This is not the Hunger Games!

I would like to take this moment to give a special shout out to my girl Rachel. Yeah, I know she's got a manly voice and is a little stiff...and I could be wrong here...but I'm pretty sure she's the only girl that HAS NOT cried this entire season. In my book, that makes her the most sane person on the show. I'm not sure Lindzi has cried either, but her face is made out of clay and tears would probably melt it off.

The group date is pretty uneventful and predictable. Ben spends alone time with KCB, the model, and Lindzi, and pretty much ignores Jamie and KCS. I'm not sure he actually realizes they are contestants on the show. Ben gives the group date rose to KCB, but then the model drags him away and he completely forgets KCB exists. Ben looks like a head to toe erection every time he's around Courtney. It's like he can't even believe someone as attractive as her wants to talk to him, yet it doesn't occur to him that the only reason she's into him is because she's on a freaking game show. Courtney basically tells Ben that she masturbated last night to the thought of the two of them skinny dipping and Ben creams his pants. This guy is making Brad Womack look like a knight in shining armor.

Elyse finally goes on her one on one date. She and Ben hang out on a yacht during the day and she makes the mistake of informing him of all the things she gave up to be on the show. Why do girls think this is going to make guys want them more? It's only going to make you look like a pathetic loser. Not only did this ho quit her job, but she missed her best friend's wedding. That is just not okay.

So, Ben and Elyse have dinner, and I'm pretty he sent her home before their salads were served. Even though this girl is an idiot, I think Ben really made an ass of himself during this scene. First of all, did he have to literally dangle the rose in front of her face as he was dumping her? He totally made it seem like he was going to give it to her! What a dick! The whole thing was so abrupt and awkward and Elyse kept saying things like "what did I do wrong." This girl is so going to end up in an abusive relationship. Ben escorts her to a boat as "This Year's Love" by David Gray plays. The song is officially ruined for me. We don't even get a post Elyse interview about how sad she is. Probably because the poor girl threw herself overboard and they're still searching for her body.

Ben, you suck. I get that the faster you dumped her, the sooner you could be done shooting for the day, but couldn't you have at least sent the girl home with a doggy bag?

It gets so much worse...after sending poor, naive, hysterical Elyse home, Ben goes back to his hotel room to find Courtney waiting for him in a bathrobe. In my next life, I'm coming back as a super model! Seriously. If this girl was fat and ugly and did that-- Ben would stab her with a butcher knife and call the cops. It's not fair. Ben keeps saying how surprised he is that Courtney broke the rules and showed up at his place. Uh-- how is she breaking the rules when there are camera people there? This whole thing was totally orchestrated by the show.

Anyway, Courtney convinces Ben to get butt naked and go skinny dipping with her and of course he goes along with it. The guy acts like a ten year old boy around this chick. She could tell him to let Chris Harrison fuck him in the ass while she watched and he would get the same shit-eating grin on his face. Gross. Poor Elyse. While Ben and Courtney were bumping uglies in the water, she was sinking to the bottom of the sea, gasping for air.

I actually really hope that Ben and Courtney end up together, because any other girl will never want to get naked with him again after seeing this. I will say Courtney was slightly more entertaining in this episode (except when she said, and I quote: "I don't know if he's ever gone skinny dipping with a model before") but I can't get behind the way she scrunches up her mouth every time she speaks. Does this skank think she's the Velveteen Rabbit? Why does she keep doing that? New drinking game, folks-- every time Courtney does that annoying thing with her nose/mouth, chug!
Rose ceremony. Before Ben hands out roses, Blakely takes him aside to tell him he's changed her life and because of him, she knows she deserves love. And Ben laps it up. He may be the most gullible person in the world. He's like a...chick. Then stupid Emily takes him aside to tell him she's done thinking about Courtney anymore-- only to spend the remainder of the conversation trashing her. Ben actually tells her to tread lightly. Oh, shit. Emily is totally going to wake up with a horse's head in her bed tomorrow. Em is interviewed saying the conversation did not go well and she thinks "Ben hates her." Amazing.

I'm not going to lie-- my jaw actually dropped at the end of this rose ceremony. Ben has to let one girl go. First, I was stunned that KCS and Jamie (who I honestly don't think has uttered a single word on this show except answering "yes"when Ben asks her if she'll accept the rose) both got roses. And then, when there was one rose left and it was between Emily and red-head Jennifer, I was beyond positive that Emily was going home. Ben had just made out with Jennifer five minutes before. He told her she was the best kisser. He said their date was "awesome"...but he totally sent her home. Why, Ben why???? I need an explanation. Was she just too into you? Were you confused by her pale non-orange complexion? Was it the unflattering work out gear? I really thought Jennifer was gonna be in the final four. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just know one thing to be true: Ben can suck it. And by "it"-- I mean Chris Harrison's balls....before he's had a chance to shave them.


  1. Omg...I just love your blog!!! I can't tell you how much I look forward to it EVERY week!! You say what's in everyone else's head but with so much more colour! I look forward to the next Emily Bachelorette Snorefest blog!! Keep 'em coming!!! :)

    1. Thank you, anonymous! They are gonna need to lace Emily's food with uppers if that season is going to be interesting. Fingers crossed! and thanks again for reading!

  2. Quote from DW this week: "Sara's blogs need to be longer. I only watch this damn show so I can read them and they're just not long enough. I'm hungry." P.S. We call Lindzi "Bobble Head" because she never lifts her chin and Casey S. "Anna Kournikova".

    1. omg, that is really nice considering how long winded I am about this shit. Um-- Bobble Head? Stop. I'm totally stealing that.

  3. This episode was such a mindfuck. There are just so many questions to be answered!

    Elyse was way too hot for Ben. She has a slamming body and a master's degree. I have no concerns for her future.

    Courtney. Courtney is frightening and a terrible actress. Her voice annoys me. Did they have sex in the ocean? Was that obvious? Please pardon my Amish moment, but seriously, did they?

    I can't believe that Jennifer got sent home. However, I do think that it was probably because she was too into Ben. She was full body kissing him--not good. In the end, Ben did her a huge favor since now she has a national reputation of being a good kisser and is probably engaged to a guy with better hair.

    Also, since I watch this alone, any time anybody mentions "being open," I always internally add something about their legs to the end of the sentence. It's kind of like that "in bed" game with fortune cookies. It's fun for me because I'm twelve-year-old Amish girl.

    1. sassypants, I like your take on the Jennifer thing. At least whoever Ben ends up with can know that he thinks she's a better kisser. Love your being open game. You are pretty fun and cool for a twelve year old amish girl.

  4. You guys make me want to actually watch this show.

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