Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The bachelor & the BLOW OFF: season premiere

Where does one even begin with the premiere episode of The Bachelor?! I'm going to try my best not to write a novel, but I think we can all agree this episode was a total shit show. The girls are orange-r, trashier, and more emotionally unstable than ever. This season is going to be AWEsome.

The episode opened with the obligatory shots of Bachelor Ben F doing normal everyday things like driving a tractor and canoeing in the bay. We learned that while Ben was hurt by Cupcake rejecting his proposal, he's now more available and ready than ever to find love. Translation: he saw what being the bachelor did for Andrew Firestone's wine and he wants in. I actually find Ben F kind of cute and goofy and charming, so I refuse to believe he's on this show for any other reason other than to promote his business.

But I'm not going to lie, I got a chill or two once Ben sat at the piano and started playing This Year's Love by David Gray. That song gets me every time. Please, please, let it be the theme music of the season. (it is! I checked).

Chris Harrison arrives to tell us this is going to be the most riveting scene of The Bachelor ever. He does this crazy move where he looks into one camera, then turns to his left and looks at a completely different camera. The man is a super hero. He should seriously be next in line to play batman.

Now, it's time to meet the girls! Let's see how my predictions panned out.

It turns out Lindzi, who I picked as one of the final four, is the horse girl and not Courtney. I don't know how I really feel about chicks who grew up riding horses. They just seem SO obsessed with the whole thing. I think it's because they all got their first orgasm riding one. Anyway. Lindzi has her own dating sob story-- no, her fiance did not die in a plane crash, but her last boyfriend texted her "Babe, welcome to dumpsville. Population: you." So far, I kind of like her though. She could stand to wear a little less foundation though. Her skin kind of looks like Goldie Hawn's at the end of Death Becomes Her.

There's some girl named Amber who shoots guns and eats cow balls. She should totally marry Kurt's dad from Ali's season who was into taxidermy. They show a bunch of cheesy shots of this girl Kacie watching last season's show and gushing over Ben. I found it really weird that all of the girls are die hard fans of the show. What's truly shocking is that after watching the show, these girls still want to be contestants on it. What is wrong with them? And isn't it weird for Ben to hear everyone say how they're really glad he's The Bachelor? Can't one of these girls play it cool and pretend she has no idea who he is?

Courtney couldn't be more different than what I predicted. For starters, she's not very sweet and she looks like she could be this season's token cunty bitch. You know, the girl that doesn't act the same around the other girls as she does with Ben. The hot girl that's there for the wrong reasons. She's from Santa Monica and she's a model. She's super pretty, I'll give her that, but she's got the personality of an almond. I declare the new drinking game of this season: when Courtney references being a model, chug-a-lug. I'm pretty sure you'll be hammered by the end of the show.

Then there's Jamie-- the registered nurse who had to raise her siblings, because her parents were assholes. She seems nice enough, but I'm always creeped out by families where all the kids are freaky looking except for one pretty child. Compared to her brothers and sisters, Jamie is Angelina Jolie. How does that happen?

Then there's another Lyndsie girl who doesn't spell her name the normal way. She may be the only uncool British person I have ever come across in my life. She does a series of really awkward costume changes where she dons a kimono and speaks Japanese, then comes out in a cowboy hat and does the whole pow-wow-wow thing. Wait. Am I watching The Bachelor or some really weird porno? I'm like waiting for a group of Japanese cowboys to show up for a gang bang.

And then we're introduced to Jenna from New York who lists blogger as her occupation. UH...unless your blog is the Huffington Post, then it's your hobby-- not your occupation. I'm kind of kicking myself actually-- getting on The Bachelor would have been the perfect way to advertise theblowoff! Jenna's blog is called The Over-Analyst, because she loves to over-analyze (understatement of the century). Her blog currently says it's under construction. I can't believe she couldn't get her shit together enough to have it ready in time for the premiere. She must have a lot going on. Oh...just you wait...

Everyone else is pretty standard. The chick from Phoenix with a terrible shiny blouse and a five year old son. Some girl named Nikki with super white teeth who got divorced when she was twenty-one. I've basically figured out that there are seven pre-reqs to being on this show:

1. You must either be from the south or Arizona.
2. Your complexion needs to be somewhere on the color scale between burnt orange and glittery poo brown.
3. You should have at one time or another worked as a dental hygienist or an admin.
4. You must really love shiny fabrics and bright colors.
5. You should be twenty-six, but you should look 40.
6. You CANNOT be black or Asian.
7. You have to get super creative with the way you spell your name. Like, if your name is Britney, consider spelling it Brittknee.

Ben F gets ready to go to the house and meets the ladies and he sees a hummingbird. We later find out during his snooze-fest interview with Chris Harrison that his family thinks hummingbirds are a sign that his dad is watching over them and Ben think seeing one is good luck. appears hummingbirds are the rainbows of this season. If you look closely, you'll notice that the hummingbird Ben was staring at was actually an animatronic one that ABC borrowed from Disneyland. But I think it's safe to say this is not the last hummingbird we will see this season.

The girls arrive and they are all super nervous and excited to meet Ben. They pretty much look like really tall versions of the little girls from toddlers & tiaras.

Here's a quick rundown. Rachel, one of my final four picks, is the first girl to arrive. I was right! She works in fashion. She seems relatively normal and down to earth, but her teeth are going to give her a major disadvantage. Hopefully one of the dental assistants will be able to slip her some veneers when Ben's not looking.

There's a lot of gimmicks this season. A girl who wears a hideous Kentucky Derby Hat (spoiler: she does not get a rose). Miss Pacific Palisades if you can believe it or not (she gets a rose, I shit you not). Shawn, the single mom from Phoenix, is definitely wearing the most hideous outfit: a shiny green dress two sizes too small for her. Jenna, the blogger, arrives in a flapper style white dress and Ben seems really into her...until she opens her mouth and sounds like a weirdo nervous wreck. She might just be the most awkward person on the planet. Then, there's the girl that walks straight past Ben and doesn't say a single thing to him. Okay, so this chick didn't get a rose, BUT the H bomb thought this was the most amazing thing in the world (and so did Ben). Guys really eat that shit up. We need to all start being stuck up bitches stat! Then there was the girl who's getting her PhD in Epidemiology. Yes. There's actually a smart girl on this show. She gives Ben hand sanitizer and breath spray and then she lays one on him. She's definitely forward, but I'd be careful if I was Ben. She clearly has OCD and is going to make him sanitize his pee-pee before their fantasy suite date.

And then there was the moment I was waiting for all night...the arrival of Sheryl, the 72 year old woman who fell in love with Ben since watching him on Ashley's season. This was probably the biggest disappointment of this episode. It turns out Sheryl is just the grandmother of one of the contestants (Brittney) and she's just there to tell Ben how great her granddaughter is. Major rip-off. Fuck you, ABC. They totally made it seem like Sheryl was a contestant! They totally tricked us! False advertising. Let's all join together and file a class action law suit!

Brittney's whole grandmother bit worked like a charm though, because even though she was two prescription pain meds away from being Anna Nicole's long lost sister, she still got a rose at the end of the night. I have a theory about Grandma though. I think we're gonna find out she died six months ago and the woman we saw on the show is just a ghost that follows Brittney around all the time. You heard it here first, folks. Grandma Sheryl is not real.

The last girl to arrive is Lindzi who shows up on, wait for it, a horse. Ben's seriously into it. This clearly puts her at an advantage. I'm fairly certain ABC gives a leg up to all the girls they think could make great Bachelorettes and Lindzi totally fits the bill. She's pretty, likable, and has a sense of humor. I'm calling it now. She's the next Bachelorette.

After meeting all the girls-- it's pretty clear that Ben likes the brunettes. I think I underestimated Kacie B., the perky brunette from Tennessee who smiles when she talks and says she doesn't sugar coat things. She's got a twinkle in her eye and seems like just the kind of girl that would be totally submissive and sweet at all times. BUT her bio says that one of the traits of her ideal mate is for him to be Christian. I just don't get the religious vibe from Ben, so this could really fuck things up for them in the end.

All the girls arrive at the house and the rest of the episode plays out like every other Bachelor premiere ever. The girls all try to make desperate attempts to spend alone time with Ben. My girl Rachel is a little needier and desperate than I predicted. Courtney's pretty face definitely prevented her from honing any semblance of a personality throughout the years. She tells Ben that she really liked something he said last season: he's available. Huh? Several girls make total fools of themselves. Emily-- the epidem-whatever actually performs a rap for him. At first it was super awful and embarrassing and then it was kind of funny. Plus, it was nice to see Ben ham it up when he was impersonating her afterwards. Dianna, who may have been the only minority in the house (possibly Latina) really screwed things up by doing a PG rated version of 9 1/2 Weeks by blindfolding Ben and feeding him sour patch kids. Uh, who told this poor girl that was a good idea? I think the most amazing girl in the group was Monica who flat out says she's not all that into Ben and then sets her sights on Blakely. Monica and Blakely were definitely my favorite couple in the house by far. Monica tells her that she will be in her life forever. And I think she will, because I see a long future of amateur girl on girl porn for these two.

Of course, it wouldn't be The Bachelor if there weren't two girls who hated each other and one girl who cries from all the pressure of the situation. In last night's episode that girl was Jenna, the blogger, who should probably change her sites name to "the fucking crazy girl dot com." I'm pretty sure Jenna was trashed and I'm also pretty sure ABC was scouting mental hospitals when they found her. She got all upset, because she thought Monica hated her. Rachel (AKA overbite) wanted the extra screen time so she tried to mediate between them. Monica could not care less about making amends and Jenna told her maybe they could share a tampon some time. HOLD UP. WHAAAAAT? That is seriously one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. Not to mention girls sharing tampons is totally how AIDS gets spread.

Jenna loses her shit after this and goes into the bathroom and cries her face off. We don't get to see her in there, but I'm pretty sure she was crouched in the shower, in the fetal position, while rocking back and forth, and drooling. This girl makes Natalie Portman in Black Swan seem perfectly normal. ABC and their oh-so savvy editing tries to make us think that Ben is going to give her the first impression rose while she's having her psychotic break, but he gives it to horse girl instead.

There are a few surprises in the rose ceremony. I didn't expect Blakely to get a rose. First of all, she looks kind of mannish and she's 34 which is basically retirement age on this show. But she also had a tattoo on her arm of a key and a heart with the words "love is patient, love is kind." (Quick, someone get this girl in a room with Kasey Kahl) The British girl got the boot and so did the Latina, proving once again that this show is racist. Elyse, my other pick for the final four did get a rose, but she's a little trashier than I previously thought and a personal trainer. I don't think she'll make it past a couple more episodes. Jenna, the whack job, did get a rose-- because she's great TV and b/c men are secretly attracted to girls with suicidal tendencies. Probably the biggest shocker of all was that Jaclyn got a rose. I was wrong to predict she was going home the first night, but seriously-- have you looked at her? Ben kept a weird mix of ladies. Mostly brunettes, but some trashy fake boob blondes too. This proves once again that every guy secretly wants to have sex with a whore.

The preview for the season has all the usual suspects: mountaintops, charter planes, helicopters, a surprise guest that sends all the girls reeling, a Neil Lane engagement ring, and a girl fainting during a rose ceremony. ABC totally tries to make it seem like Ben will get stood up by the woman he wants to propose to, but these are the same people that wanted us to think Sheryl was a contestant. They basically play a voice over of a chick (who sounds like Tennessee Kacie) saying she's done a 180 on Ben. I'm guessing this happens when she finds out he's not a Christian.

Anyway, I'm already counting the days 'til next Monday. Who will get a rose? What color will Chris Harrison's tie be? Will there be wine tasting involved? Who will be even more orange than the premiere episode? Only time will tell....

Yes, we've posted this song before, but we can't get enough of it.


  1. I'm still crying over the Huffington Post comment. Brils. This season is going to be amaze-balls fo' sho'.