Monday, January 9, 2012

the girl code-guy code BLOW OFF

Girl code and guy code all around the world says we should not date people our friends dated unless we're characters on a TV show like Gossip Girl or the new 90210 (still waiting for the new Pacey's Creek, CW. I mean, Dawson. Dawson's Creek.). Normally, I would totally agree with this. I've never dated anyone that my friends have dated. Generally, when a guy starts dating one of my friends-- he immediately becomes unattractive to me. He's like a Ken doll with no private parts. Unless he's extremely witty and sarcastic, then we may have a problem.

But in all seriousness--- are there exceptions to this rule? I don't have an answer, because as far as I remember, Sex and the City never did a storyline where one of the ladies dated another's ex and 99% of all my dating knowledge and advice comes from that show.

For instance, I'm off the market-- so does that mean I can't get mad if a close friend crossed paths with a guy I dated and they became boyfriend and girlfriend? I guess it depends on the guy. If he was a defining love, then he should probably remain off limits, regardless of my relationship status. But if he was just a three month fling and not someone I was really into to begin with, then it's not really fair of me to stand in the way of a single friend. I'm not going to lie though. Three months, ex-love of my life, it would probably still make me very uncomfortable. I'd just wonder if he was comparing us in his mind at all times. Which one of us is a better kisser? Which one of us is smarter? Which one of us is funnier? (me) Who gives better head? (her).

I had a friend from college who dated a guy off and on for a couple of years and after several years of being broken up, he started dating her best friend. This guy was for sure a defining love. We were all appalled, but fast forward to now and he married the best friend and they have a child together. Think of what those two people could have missed out on if they opted to stay in line with the code of ethics when it comes to relationships...

Then there was my guy friend in high school who dated or hooked up with nearly all my friends. The first girl was a short term thing. The next girl was way more serious (like prom date serious), but she wanted to wait 'til she was married to have sex AND they were going to different colleges, so they broke up. Then, he started dating her good friend behind her back...because she put out. And then after that ended he had a drunken New Year's Eve hook up with another high school friend. And then after that he had a friends with benefits ongoing fling with another high school friend.

We hung out a lot during college (he figuratively held my hand through my first time doing ecstasy). We were both single and we were each other's pseudo significant others. We did things like go to the symphony together and then to romantic restaurants where we had to ask to sit across from each other instead of sit in those cozy little cuddle booths. He would stay the night over at my apartment and I always made him sleep on the floor. We never even cuddled, but all we ever talked about was sex and how we weren't getting any. I just couldn't hook up with him purely based on principal. He had hooked up with nearly all of my friends. And plus, I was one of the main people that consoled prom date girlfriend when he broke her heart. I wasn't going to be a hypocrite. I wasn't going to be another statistic. I wasn't going to be sloppy sixths. I was going to be different. I was going to be the girl that never gave into the sexual tension. And I totally didn't. It just goes to show that Harry was wrong-- men and women can be friends-- if the man has hooked up with nearly every single person the female knows.

What do you think, readers? Have you ever been a member of one of those incestuous groups where everyone hooks up with each other? Are there exceptions to girl/guy code? If Rick Springfield had Jessie's girl, would he then be a total a-hole? Comment below.


10 comments:

  1. I'm a woman who'll NEVER date a friend's ex, but I have no problem whatsoever dating an ex's friend. Hos before bros.

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  2. I'm like you, Saaara, once a friend is dating a guy, he becomes a eunuch to me. It just doesn't appeal to me. I remember even in 8th grade a friend had a crush on a guy I was crushing on (secretly) so I turned my attention elsewhere. No boy has ever been worth losing a friend over. I think I'd be hurt if a friend dated a Defining Love (DF) or a fling I was secretly in love with but otherwise, I don't think I'd really care. I'd probably try to set up a non-love ex who just wasn't a match for me but was a good guy. A guy I briefly dated this summer may set me up so, I guess it's all about depth of feeling.

    I mean, as far as I'm concerned I want my DFs to remain loveless and curse the day they ever let me go so, if instead of that a DF finds happiness with my bestie, we're gonna have a Jerry Springer-style problem.

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  3. Love the philosophy of dating an ex's friend but never a friend's ex. And I agree, Ad Naus-- i want my DFs to be lonely and sad and losing sleep over the fact that they ever let me go. Or at least dating some slut and not one of my besties.

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  4. The majority of the men I have dated have been friends' exes. Usually years later. This includes w friend's ex husband. What does that say about me? Should I explore in therapy? I mean, my feeling has always been that no one owns anyone else. So these rules sometimes seem silly, no?

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  5. wait. Anonymous. I need to know how your friends felt about you dating their exes, especially the friend whose ex-husband you dated! DETAILS.

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  6. I would say my friends have reacted in various ways. The friend whose ex-husband I dated -- well, she dumped him and broke HIS heart. Should she really have had anything to say about this? One thing you didn't mention is that perhaps who dumped whom should be a consideration as well.

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  7. that's a really good point. If the friend did the dumping, then they have less of a leg to stand on by getting upset. In that kind of circumstance, they are only allowed to quietly seethe.

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  8. Especially if you broke their heart. Hoe can you break someone's heart and then begrudge them any happiness they might find?

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  9. "Hoe" equals "How." Damn autocorrect.

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  10. yes, very good point! You hurt them and then begrudge them happiness at the same time and you're a horrible person.

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