Thursday, January 12, 2012

how I accidentally cock blocked my little brother

My brother and I have an eight year age difference which means I'm a little overprotective. While he was a student at UCLA and lived only fifteen minutes from me, I felt personally responsible for him. So, his freshman year when he unknowingly had mono and his friend punched him in the stomach as a joke, lacerated his spleen, and put him in the hospital for a week, I took it pretty hard. If he so much as coughed in my presence after that, I would send him home with Nyquil, orange juice, and chicken soup. One day my parents called me from the Bay Area to say he was in the ER and possibly had pneumonia (which he'd been hospitalized for in the past) and they wanted me to go check on him, I left work and hauled ass through traffic to get there.

After taking an X-ray, the doctors concluded that he just had bronchitis and did not in fact have pneumonia. I asked them if they were sure like fifteen times and once I felt fully reassured, we left the ER. He wanted to go back to his germ infested apartment (the one where I refused to use the bathroom) but I insisted that he come home with me, so I could monitor him in case the doctors were wrong.

Let's stop here and talk about his love life. He was in his second or third year in school, can't remember. He'd been single for awhile and he'd finally met a girl in a class that he really liked. Let's call her JESSICA. It was the first person in a long time that he felt a spark with and he was excited to put the moves on her.

BUT-- the night he was under quarantine against his will at my apartment, all his buddies went to a party without him. To be fair, he was really, really, sick and could barely speak. One of his best friends (and roommate) met a girl at that party, made out with her, and made her his girlfriend. That girl was JESSICA and his "friend" knew it. Had my bro gone to the party that night, things could have turned out very differently. Although, again to be fair, I'm not sure Jessica would have really been interested in making out with him with all that phlegm in his throat. Anyway, the only reason he found out about his buddy and Jessica was when she mentioned it to him the next day in class. "What do you know about Brad Porter? I met him at a party and he asked me out." He was stunned and for the next two years, the poor kid had to come home to see Brad and Jessica all happy and in love. Try studying for a mid-term when your bff is hooking up with your girl in the next room. Pretty shitty right? He blames me to this very day. And I blame the absence of hand sanitizer in his life.

Either way, I do think one thing is clear-- the kid needs some new friends. One dude broke his spleen, the other broke his heart.

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