Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Remember how in this season's premiere episode, Ben what the F said every time he sees a hummingbird, it makes him feel like his dad is watching over him? Well...where the frack have all the hummingbirds been this season? We haven't seen a single one since the first episode which clearly means Ben's dad is not proud of him and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. He's as upset as we all are that his son just wants to date a model like every other lame guy out there.

Anyway. This episode begins with the girls arriving in Belize. We are reminded OVER and OVER again that the stakes are super high in this episode, because after this week comes the hometown dates...which is hand's down my favorite episode, because you have to wonder what kind of parents raised a girl dumb enough to go on The Bachelor. The ladies are greeted by Chris Harrison who decided to pull an extra shift in case ABC had any ideas of replacing him with Ben next season. Harrison has a pep in his step, because for once, the rules are a little different. Ben gets three one on one dates where no roses will be handed out. He also has a group date where one rose will be handed out. You with me?

Lindzi gets the first one on one date. I don't know what it is about this girl. She seems perfectly nice and cool and semi-normal for someone who would willingly go on a show like this. But I can't get behind her over-dyed hair and strange make up choices. Seriously, there might be a major shortage of foundation in the world, because Lindzi with a Z goes through a bottle a day. Ben comes to pick her up and honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been less attracted to the Bachelor. Like, I would rather get naked with Bob Guinney than this guy. Which is odd, because Ben is tall and lanky and quirky and from Northern California...but the fact that he's into Courtney just makes me want to poop on his face.

Anyway, Ben and Lindzi take a helicopter ride and hover over the Blue Hole which is really pretty and has some coral reefs, blah blah. But Lindzi is...wait for it...afraid of heights. What the fuck? Why is every girl on this show afraid of heights?? Ben totally cures her phobia by kissing her and they jump into the blue hole together and the entire sequence becomes one giant lame metaphor for relationships and team work and childbirth. Whatever.

Side note: did it weird anyone else out that these girls keep referring to the fact that Ben has five other girlfriends? Do they hear themselves? I get it, these girls have had their hearts broken and are looking for love, but I sort of feel like unless there was some major rape and incest in their childhoods, they should not be damaged enough to actually entertain going on The Bachelor.

Lindzi and Ben have dinner and they decide to write a little story on a piece of paper, stick it in a bottle, and throw it in the water. I know: so romantic, right? Lindzi, no joke, starts the story with "once upon a time" and then we get the most ridiculously cheesy sequence of her greatest moments with Ben set to weird music and cheap sparkly fairytale graphics. Hmmmm...is it just me or is the show really forcing this girl down our throats? Is it possible that Ben picks her at the end?

Oh, the other thing that bothers me about Lindzi: the way she says imporTanT. Why all the over-enunciating?

Back at the house, Emily gets the next one on one date and Courtney starts to worry that Ben doesn't like her after all and that the show may not be her meal ticket to fame. She actually starts to cry about how hard all this is. She can't believe Ben would want to go out on a date with the girl who treated her so bad. WTF is she talking about? Unless a lot of shit went down off camera, Emily basically cowered and cried in her presence. Also, who read the little expose on Courtney in Us Weekly? Can you believe she used to date Reese Witherspoon's husband?? What is wrong with men?

Emily and Ben have one of those lame boring low budget dates where all they do is ride a bike and look at street jewelry. Then, when they can't track down lobsters for dinner cause some PA totally did not do their job, they "spontaneously" decide to get on a boat with a lobsterman and catch their own lobsters. Emily gushes about how spontaneous Ben is. What is she smoking? This date was in pre-production before the show even knew who the contestants were.

Emily and Ben have their dinner date and I'm not really sure he's feeling her. I'm going to be honest. She was actually one of my faves this season. First of all, she can speak tribal languages and she was in school getting her PhD (before taking a leave to do this shit). And, even though it blew up in her face, she was the first one to call out Courtney for being the wife of Lucifer. (side note: why do Ben and her keep talking about all the time they lost talking about Courtney? They talked about her for like 2 minutes). Anyway, Em just seems normal and down to earth and super low maintenance, which Ben should like. But I'm getting a platonic feeling from him. I feel like she's not going to get the final final rose, but they're going to stay in touch, be best buddies, she'll be secretly in love with him, he'll have no idea, then five years from now, he'll be engaged, she'll try to stop the wedding, and they'll end up together.

Courtney's downward spiral continues back at the house when she tells the girls that if she doesn't get the next one on one date, she's dumping Ben. The date card arrives and Courtney's name is on it and she gets all smug and cocky. Even sweet little KCB can't deal with her and basically says she wanted to beat the shit out of her. Holy crap, I LOVE KCB now. I still think she's too young and virginal to get married to Ben, but she's got a little bit of tough bitch in her. If Courtney's not careful, she could wake up with a baton in her butt!

Ugh. Time for Courtney and Ben's one on one date. I really don't know if I can handle watching this. My hatred for her has reached new heights. They check out these Mayan Ruins (which I've actually been to!) and act like they just stumbled upon them...which is horse shit...because I think you have to pay admission to go and there's a whole museum on the grounds and everything. Anyway, they climb to the top and Courtney starts giving him a hard time about not getting a one on one date and how he took Emily out even though she was mean to her, blah blah blah, and how she's "lost the spark, babe." If she was any other girl, Ben would probably push her off the Mayan monument and send her home for complaining and not "going with the flow." INSTEAD, he tells her how much he likes her and how he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. That's it. Courtney is a motherfucking genius. She has actually managed to play hard to get in a game where the guy gets to choose who he wants to date. This girl should be Vice-President. She could convince Republicans to give all their money to the poor. It's unreal. During an interview, she literally pretends to shoot all the other girls and actually says the words "kill shot." Somewhere Ben F is feeling like the world's biggest douche face. I actually hope he ends up with her. They deserve each other.

Side note observation: Ben says "oh my dad" when he's having a spiritual moment at the Mayan Ruins instead of "oh my God." Only agnostics and atheists do that. And KCB is a GCB...sooooo....not sure that's going to happen.

At dinner with Courtney, Ben and her get into it over the other girls in the house and how they don't like Court. She says she's bored by the other girls, calls them vanilla, and then proceeds to slip in how hard it is to be a model. When Ben asks her if she has a lot of friends she says: I have a lot of guy friends.

Note to men: A straight girl who has a lot of guy friends is what us ladies like to call a psycho bitch. For once, even Ben seems to be concerned and admits in an interview that one of his biggest fears is being with a woman who I love that everyone else hates. Oh, Ben. Run, run like the wind.

Group date time. Ben arrives at the hotel at 4am to wake up Rachel, Nicki, and KCB for their date. It was actually semi-entertaining watching these girls scramble to get ready that early in the morning. By the time they get on a boat and crack open a champagne bottle, I'm guessing it's around 6am. The girls learn they are going to be swimming with sharks...and surprise, surprise, Rachel's biggest fear = sharks. Ben spends most of the time calming her fears and KCB/Nicki are pissed that Ms. Scaredy Cat is taking Ben away from them. Then, Ben spends some alone time with each girl and KCB plays her trump card and tells Ben she's in love with him. The only other thing worth reporting on this group date is that Rachel and Nicki both have really big boobs AND the girls tell Ben to "tread lightly" with Courtney. Which is exactly what Ben told Emily about Courtney. Who ever really says "tread lightly" in everyday conversation?? Needless to say, Ben gives the rose to KCB who has always been a frontrunner and Courtney witnesses it from the balcony and later refers to KCB as a little girl in a little boy's body. Amaze-balls. I for one am super excited to meet KCB's conservative religious family.

Rose ceremony time. The girls are all nervous and Courtney tells them to get over it: Ben's not the only guy in the world. Which is oddly the most grounded thing she's said since we've met her and the girls are stunned by it. Ladies! Get it together! He's not the only guy in the world. Sheesh.

The rose ceremony finally begins and Ben kicks things off by taking Courtney aside to talk to her. I know this loser is going to give her a rose, so I don't listen to much of what's being said. All I know is that these other girls are giving Ben way too much credit by thinking he'll see Courtney's "true colors." Courtney assures him that she's there for the right reasons and...that's all it takes to get a rose. Ben sends the two blondes home-- Rachel and Emily (my faves) which means Nicki, Lindzi, Courtney, and KCB are all getting hometown dates. Rachel and Emily both cry which is super annoying. For once, can we hear one of these girls say that they aren't interested in a guy that would be interested in model head? I'm honestly a little surprised that Nicki got a rose, but I'm guessing Ben is keeping her around so he can bury his face in her bosom. I also don't really mind that Courtney's sticking around, cause let's face it, this show would be a snooze fest without her and I'm dying to meet her family. Here's hoping Ben is just keeping her around, because he wants to bone her in the fantasy suite. According to Us Weekly and sources close to Courtney, when she's about to have sex with a guy she says "are you ready for your date with destiny?" OMG. Are we sure this girl wasn't created in the 80s by two teenaged boys and their computer?

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