Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

My favorite episode! Hometown date week-- otherwise known as the "deciding who I want to bone in a fantasy suite" episode.

Hometown date #1
Ben's first hometown date is with Lindzi somewhere in Washington State. Lindzi says how excited she is to have her boyfriend come visit her. Is this girl totally off her rocker? He's as much her boyfriend as Chris Harrison is her boyfriend. Anyway, Lindzi rides in on a horse, huge shocker, and we get yet another cheesy love metaphor. Something about getting back on the horse again after you've had your heart broken. After hanging out with some ponies, Ben and Lindzi picnic and she decides she's really going to open up to him. I'm sort of shocked that Ben is just finding out for the first time that Lindzi lived with the guy that sent her packing to Dumpsville. I don't get it. This like their fifth hang out. Shouldn't they be opening with this shit?

Anyway. We get to hear Lindzi say imporTanT a few more times and then tell Ben that "vulnerable" is a big word for her. What does that even mean? Like she doesn't know how to spell it? Next, they meet Lindzi's parents who seem like nice enough people. They do this weird horse race and Ben calls Lindzi's dad the salt of the earth, just like his pops. I think he's pretty into them AND they drink wine which wins them major points. We also learn that Lindzi's parents got married at...wait for hall in San Francisco which is where Ben and Lindzi had their first one on one date. Lindzi seems shocked by this. WTF? How is it possible she never knew where her parents got married. I call bull shit.

We hear about a million times that Lindzi went through a really hard time with her last break up and it was really hard for her parents to see her get hurt. I get it. Break ups are hard. That's what this entire blog is about-- but they're talking about it like the girl survived stage four pancreatic cancer. How bad could it have been? Unless they found her bleeding out in a bathtub, I don't want to hear about it.

The date ends with Ben saying he thinks he's falling in love with Lindzi. Here's my assessment on these two. They seem really uncomfortable around each other. I don't think Lindzi loves Ben at all, I think she's hoping her ex-boyfriend is watching so she can say things like "I've never felt this way about anyone." I also think her nice girl, always upbeat, image is just a ploy to be the next Bachelorette.

Hometown Date #2
Bible Belt, Tennessee. The date begins at a high school football field which is already a terrible sign. When I see KCB in that super weird, baggy, red shirt right off the set of the original Melrose Place, my heart sinks a little for her. This is not her best look. And then it just gets worse. A marching band arrives on the field and behind them is KCB...twirling a baton. WTF? This is not The Miss America Pageant. Put that stupid thing away. It was cute once, now it's just super embarrassing. KCB and Ben sit on the bleachers and she tells him some story about how this field was named after her grandpa and Ben's eyes pretty much glaze over. Then, she's forced to admit some things she clearly kept from Ben all this time or else he would have sent her home much sooner. For starters, her dad doesn't drink. I get the feeling Ben is looking for a Papi replacement and a guy that doesn't believe in booze is not going to be that person.

But this is totally what he gets. You can't get the cute perky southern girl without the ultra-conservative, God obsessed, southern parents. I called this one a long time ago. The whole religion thing would be the death of KCB and Ben. KCB's parents, rightly so, are really skeptical about this whole Bachelor thing. Her dad even tells Ben-- if KCB's not the one, dump her sooner rather than later. And Ben ends up feeling like KCB's dad doesn't even like her. Which he doesn't. He does not want some long-haired hippie from San Francisco marrying his virginal daughter. Then Ben has some alone time with KCB's mom (who, take away the mom haircut, looks awfully young). She tells him she would be very disappointed if Ben and her daughter decided to live together before getting married. Yikes. Her parents just lost her the rose. We all know Ben wants things to be easy and drama-free, so difficult in-laws need not apply. The only thing that might keep KCB around is how badly Ben wants to give her the hot beef injection next week.

Sigh. I feel a little bad for KCB. Her parents are sticks in the mud and I'm pretty sure she learned baton, because dancing is illegal in her hometown.

Hometown Date #3
It's Nicki, y'all! Ben is super excited to be in Ft. Worth, Texas because he just LOVES Texas. Um, again, I call bull shit. People in California who say they love Texas actually mean they love Austin. I never thought Nicki would make it this far, but after seeing KCB's family-- I think she has a leg up. She's got that perky southern charm that Ben likes so much, but I get a vibe that she puts out. She's kind of like a sluttier/trashier KCB.

If there was ever any doubt that Ben's hotness had all but abandoned him this season, then this episode is proof. Ben and Nicki decide to buy some cowboy attire and Ben looks SO dorky in his cowboy hat, boots, and belt. He just looks really stiff and uncomfortable. Like, KCB got a baton stuck up his anus after trying to prove to him that even though her parents are duds, she's sexually adventurous. Side note: why does Nicki have that weird sparkly shirt on all of a sudden? I hate these stupid dates where they shop for clothes and change outfits like they're stuck in some romantic comedy montage. Who has ever gone out on a date like that in real life?

Next, Nicki and Ben drink some wine and she talks a little more about her divorce. She says she didn't give up easily-- she tried to make things work for a FULL TWO YEARS. Whatever. This girl learned nothing about relationships. If I had just gone through a divorce, the last effing thing I'd want to do is get engaged to a guy after having three dates with him on the worst reality show on television.

I never really noticed it before, but these two are all over each other on this date. Nicki is definitely using her powers of seduction to get his ass naked in a fantasy suite. Ewwww. Why do these girls want to have sex with him? I'm not kidding. I would rather dry hump Chris Harrison at this point.

It is so weird when Ben and Nicki get to her house, because her parents basically look like older/chubbier versions of KCB's parents. But they seem a lot warmer and less robotic. You can't not love Nicki's dad. He totally cries in front of her and says that he was too quick to give her hand in marriage the first time. Uh...dads...that whole asking for a woman's hand in marriage is just a really weird formality. It's still kind of sweet that he blames himself for Nicki's loser mistakes. BUT I'm not sure Nicki will get a rose tonight, because there were no scenes of Ben spending alone time with her parents. And just when I think Nicki's parents might have the advantage to KCB's parents, I notice they are drinking soda and served breakfast-for-dinner.

Hometown Date #4
Oh, no. Here we go. Scottsdale, Arizona. Home of Courtney, the model. Wouldn't it be awesome if we learned she was actually raised by a pack of models? Like on that Who's the Boss spin off with Leah Remini and Halle Berry?

Sadly, she has actual parents and a sister. And even sadder than that, they seem like perfectly nice people. I mean, they're definitely super WASPy, which Ben should like because he was raised in a Martha Stewart Living catalog. Now, back me up on this-- but was Courtney slightly less annoying in this episode? She even starts saying that she feels bad about all the things she's said about the other girls (which I seriously think was voice over they just recorded and added to the show). Here's my theory: it's been fairly obvious for the last three episodes that Courtney is going to get the final rose. The show knew her bitchy psycho side would drive tune in...but now that we're getting to the end, they are going to do everything in their power to make us fall in love with Courtney. Think about it. They don't want us all to be super pissed off at the end of the season and quit the franchise all together. Yes. This is what I think about at night. I have in depth conversations with my puppy about this shit.

Anyway, back to Scottsdale. At some point, Ben says it would bother him if he ended up with someone that rubbed people the wrong way. Oh, Ben. You have no idea. The funniest thing about the Courtney/Ben dynamic is that she is SO not into him. Like, all the other girls keep telling him they're in love with him and Courtney says "she digs him" and "like slash loves" him. Courtney has some awkward conversation with her mom who has the same high pitched voice and bunny rabbit facial expressions. We hear over and over again that she has a hard time trusting men, because they dump her for chicks like Reese Witherspoon.

After hanging out with her parents, Ben and Courtney get some alone time in a park and that's when the episode gets beyond ridiculous. It appears Courtney (also known as the show's producers) have planned a mock wedding for the couple they are suddenly shoving down our throats. This place is super special to Courtney, because it's where she had her first photo shoot. The whole thing is all kinds of psycho and creepy. Courtney has rings and notepads for them to write their vows. Ben's vows are sincere and touching which basically exposes him for being a huge idiot. Courtney's vows are ripped off from the finale episode of Sex and the City AND did anyone notice they were written on a totally different piece of paper and not in her notebook? I'm guessing this means a producer wrote her vows OR they gave her a whole week to write them....because Courtney can't read and needed her sister to write them for her. I sense a literacy PSA in our future. Then, no joke, Ben and Courtney drive off in a white SUV that says "almost married" on it.

Okay, rose ceremony time. Even though KCB had a shitty hometown date, I'm still feeling like Lindzi or Nicki could go home, because of the rich history Ben has with KCB. Chris Harrison and Ben meet up at the Reg Bev Wilsh-- which-- what the hell, they're in LA and they're not even going to the bachelor house? They are totally renting it out to people. Anyway. Chris asks Ben to recap the hometown dates and I have no idea what he said because I FF'd the whole scene. I am really glad that the framed photos of the girls make an appearance in this episode, in case Ben couldn't keep track of the four people that are left.

Based on the outfits alone, I think KCB and Nicki should be sent home immediately...BUT Nicki, the dark horse in this race, gets a rose and HUGE SHOCKER, KCB gets sent home! Do you think it's cause of what her dad said to Ben-- if she's not the one, send her back to Tennessee now? Not getting this rose is a huge slap in the face, because it means two things: #1 your family sucks balls. #2 I do not want to have sex with you in the fantasy suite.

Here's the thing that makes me really mad about the girls on this show. They totally let Ben off the hook after he dumps them. It's like the world's easiest break up. They end up comforting him, when they should be like "uh...I hate you, I hope you die in next week's episode in a helicopter crash." KCB totally keeps it together in front of him and then something unexpected happens. KCB has a full fledged meltdown in the back of the car when she leaves. I wasn't expecting this from her. She cries her face off and says "this is why I don't love" and then keeps saying "what the fuck happened." I love how she's got a potty mouth on her. Here's where I'm confused-- in the preview for the season-- don't we hear KCB say that she was in love with Ben, but then woke up and did a complete 180? That's why I thought she might actually snag a rose after all...but after listening again-- it's totally Nicki. Go to the 4 min mark:

Anyway, I'm hoping the real reason for KCB's tears is that she didn't make it to the final two-- which means she probably won't get to be the next Bachelorette. Or that she was just that upset she would never see Chris Harrison again. Please, let it be anything other than crying over Tattoo from Fantasy Island!

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