Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

And then there were three. In this week's episode, Ben and the girls fly to Switzerland so he can have sex with all of them and give a rose to the two contestants that prove to be a better lay. The show opens with our favorite obligatory shots of Ben packing his suitcase and pondering his three girlfriends. He calls Nicki the dark horse, which I totally agree with. Let's get real here, if it wasn't for her rack, she would have been sent home a long long time ago. We get to see Lindzi ride in on a horse again...and I have to say, she looked a whole lot prettier in the first episode. Her make up has gotten progressively worse and worse. And finally, Courtney. Ben describes her as NERDY. WHAT? In what universe is this girl nerdy? Liz Lemon is nerdy. Courtney the model = not nerdy.

Nicki gets the first date in Switzerland and she pretty much won the lottery, because she doesn't have to get any of the other girl's vagina juices. A helicopter arrives to pick Ben and Nicki up and she's super excited, because it's only the second time she's been in a helicopter before. Oh, hell no. ABC is wasting a helicopter ride on a girl that's already been on one? What about all the other needy, single, women out there who've never had a helicopter date? This is a major injustice. Anyway, they go on the ride and, no joke...ABC totes tricks us into thinking the helicopter is about to crash. It's like nose-diving into the alps. At this point, I start raising the roof and imagine all twenty-five contestants laying red roses at Ben's grave, but sadly, the helicopter lands safely.

Here's my take on Nicki. She's just way too over-eager. Ben keeps saying that she's really confident, but to me, she's exactly the kind of girl that's always going to agree with the guy she's dating. She's just trying too hard to sell herself to Ben by telling him she's completely ready to fit herself into his life and move to Sonoma. I love how there's absolutely no talk of the guy ever having to move to be with the girl. After a relatively boring picnic where Nicki just smiles really big and tells Ben how ready she is to be with him, it's time for the nighttime portion of their date.

Is it just me or does the food on The Bachelor always look really unappetizing? I'm not sure I believe it's real or that they actually ingest it. I can't remember if it's in this scene or during the picnic, but Ben tells Nicki he wants four kids and she says she always pictured herself having two kids...but four it is! Geez. At one point she even says "I would give you as much as you deserve." Ben could ask Nicki to be in the center of a human centipede with Lindzi and Courtney and she'd probably gush about how ready she is to have her mouth sewn onto someone else's butt.

The fantasy suite card rears its ugly head and Chris Harrison asks Ben and Nicki if they'd like to forgo their individual rooms to spend the night together. Nicki totally pretends that she doesn't fuck guys that quickly, but I know a floozy when I see one. Can we all agree how weird and wrong it is that the fantasy suite card comes from Harrison? I think they should have his voice over playing while they're reading it. What if a guy gave you a card to invite you to spend the night with him? How creepy would that be? You're at dinner and suddenly he slips you a Hallmark card that says "will you forgo your apartment tonight and spend the night with me?" I would only be okay with that if it was one of those musical cards that played I Want to Sex You Up by Color Me Badd.

Nicki tells Ben how touched she is that he said her dad reminded him of his dad and Ben gets all kinds of uncomfortable. I think even Brad Womack was able to get deeper with his girlfriends than Ben...but to be fair, Womack did have a therapist guiding him through the whole thing.

Gross! Hot tub scene. I really don't want to see Nicki and Ben grind on each other in a bubble bath. I watched this episode with my mom and she pointed out that Nicki can't shut up. You know she totally talked the whole time they were doing it, saying how ready she is for him to hump her. I can't help but wonder what Ben's penis looks like in this episode and I have a feeling it's small. Like REALLY small. Like a smurf penis, but not Papa Smurf, cause you just know he's huge.

Lindzi's date comes next. I wonder if the producers decide the order of the dates or if Ben has any say in that. If Ben gets to make requests, then I'm not sure it's a good sign that Lindzi is date number two. That means Nicki got to have sex with him first and Courtney got to have sex with him last. No one wants to be the person that interviews for a job in the middle of the process, right? Anyway, Ben and Lindzi have to do another scary heights thing where they repel down into a ravine. Spoiler alert: they don't die. At dinner, Lindzi decides to let her guard down and open up to Ben more and this is where I get confused, because everything she tells him, I've basically heard before. I feel like these two are on an endless cycle of first dates, minus the time they wrote a fairytale together and stuck it in a bottle. But Ben does seem relatively into her and excited to get her into the fantasy suite.

I love that Lindzi is suddenly wearing a guy's shirt out of nowhere and we basically see her ass, while they make out on the bed. Did women ever wear men's dress shirts before movies and soap operas? Honestly, this date was pretty forgettable. I really think ABC should change the rules and film Ben with the girls the morning after they've had sex. I feel like Nicki probably pressured Ben into letting her go down on him while rubbing his feet at the same time, whereas Ben and Lindzi spooned and talked about horses.

Now for Ben's date with Courtney. Has anyone noticed that Courtney has never had to do anything scary-- like jump out of a helicopter or climb the bay bridge-- on any of her dates? Do you think it's written in her contract? More importantly, how will Ben and her ever know if they can conquer life together if they've never jumped into a crater?

As much as I hate Courtney, she and Ben seem the most like a real couple. And I love that she's being totally nice now. Ugh. I will give Ben some props for calling Courtney out in this episode for being a bitch to the other girls and "twisting the knife." Courtney plays the victim card so well and keeps saying how hard it was for her to be in a house with all those scary women. Ben then points out that she has a bad history with females-- and Courtney totally jumps on that-- not even realizing that he's bringing it up as a negative. I will give her a little credit for doing a bit of a mea culpa, but we're dealing with a dating spin doctor genius here. Courtney knows exactly what she's doing. She even manages to shut Ben down and basically say they're done talking about this.

It doesn't matter though. Ben is totally caught in her web. He could find out that his father was really murdered and Courtney killed him and he'd still give the bitch a rose. I so wish the show would just edit all of her worst moments together and show Ben. How could he watch this season and still want to be with her? Especially after she ripped off her "vows" last week from Sex and the City.

So, Ben and Courtney picnic with cows and then have dinner and she accepts his invitation into the fantasy suite. Then, they get into a two-seater hot tub and make out. He's so into this girl, I wouldn't be surprised if he already proposed to her after they had sex (even though she just laid there like a limp corpse, while they were doing it). Prior to this, Ben keeps saying how excited he is to get uninterrupted time with her. Hmmm...how often do they get interrupted by production? Do they have to like repeat certain lines over and over again? I want all the secrets of this show!

We'd now like to interrupt this recap to discuss the extremely lame segment with Emily (the new bachelorette) as she prepares for her reality show debut. Well, that's what we think we're watching, but then in a crazy third act twist, we realize we've been watching a Titanic 3-D commercial the entire time. Anyway, in case you were wondering, Emily is still a single mom that does nothing but play with Little Ricki in her huge Laura Ashley house in North Carolina. And she's super nervous about being the bachelorette. So, ABC flies her out to LA so she can get some advice from Cupcake and Ali " I was raised by wolves" Fedowhocares. First of all, if you broke up with the guy you ended up with on your season, I don't think you should be allowed to come back and give other women advice (Ali). And if you are a complete airhead who wears too much make up and talks about her boyfriend non-stop (Ashlee), you should also not be allowed to give anyone advice.

Anyway, Em tries on outfits for no reason for the girls, then they get their make up done. It's basically like watching a montage from a Hilary Duff movie. Then, Emily gets her first date card...to go watch the Titanic with her new bachelorette besties. The weirdest scene from this sequence is when the three girls walk down the street in their new hooker outfits while the fake paparazzi take pictures of them. Seriously-- this was like the reverse Pretty Woman. Emily went into it looking nice and classy and came out looking like a cheap whore. And why is she wearing that skimpy tight outfit just to go see a 3-D movie? Seeing them try to have a serious conversation about love in those ridiculous 3-D glasses was actually kind of hilarious. Needless to say, this did not get me excited for Emily's season.

Okay-- back to what really matters. Ben gets a surprise visit just before the rose ceremony from none other than KCB. The poor girl flew all the way to Switzerland to get answers for Ben on why he dumped her. She seems super nervous and genuinely sad that he let her go. I kind of feel bad for her, but then I remember this is Ben what the F we're talking about and KCB is so much better off. I am surprised that she lacks major self awareness about the reason he let her go. Clearly, it was because her parents are wet blanket, conservative, bible lovers.

I so wish he could just say that, but he tells her it's because their backgrounds are too different. KCB does a good job of saying that she makes her own decisions and doesn't have to do what her parents tell her, but these two are still ovah. This girl needs to runaway from home. I wish she was the next bachelorette. Before she leaves, KCB leaves Ben with the 1,000th warning he's gotten about Courtney. She says Courtney is only here to win and that if Ben picks her, he's going to get hurt. The above photo is what Ben's face looks like when he hears this. Then, he kicks KCB out so he can have some alone time and she lays on the ground in the hallway to catch her breath. Poor KCB! She's really going through the break up motions!

Ben arrives at the rose ceremony super confused about what to do and pours his little heart out to Chris Harrison who phones in his concern as always. I feel bad for Harrison. I wouldn't want to pretend to be interested in this shit either. I like to think that if the camera panned down, we'd see that he was actually getting a BJ from Blakely.

Anyway, not a huge shocker, but Nicki gets sent home. The only thing that really confused me about her departure is that the show totally tricked us with that line in the season preview of some girl (who sounds a lot like Nicki) saying she's done a total 180 and she's not ready to be a wife or mother. Upon listening to it again, I think they pieced together different things she said to make it seem like she was going to reject Ben.

Courtney and Lindzi are the final two ladies and I think we will all be shocked if Ben proposes marriage to Lindzi, right? Courtney has this in the bag and Ben is going to get exactly what he deserves: a bitchy, personality of an almond, fame-whore...but seriously, who cares...he's going to be engaged to a MODEL!!!

5 comments:

  1. So, obviously, I watched the preview you posted (multiple times) and you definitely identified Nicki's voice correctly, she just happens to say her "wife & Mom" spiel in the limo after she's been eliminated. Sad, kindof, but not really at all.

    You can hear more of her musings on ABC's website in a segment tastefully labeled, "Diaries of the Departed." But it's just her crying gracefully like the first-runner up in the Miss America pageant, and like that show, it's boring and no one cares.

    Also, props on the Blakely blow-job comment. I just laughed out loud in the office, and because I work in a warehouse it echoed for my 5 coworkers to hear. Not ashamed.

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  2. As usual, best recap ever. Also, here is Ben's true celebrity doppelganger (even more accurate than Tattoo): http://cbskllc.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/comparison.jpg?w=300&h=153

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  3. Sassypants, you know I love you. I really hate how abc tricks me with all their voice overs and fancy editing. Anonymous, that is hysterical. Totally better than tattoo!

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  4. Love the recaps! I'm surprised you didn't mention what seemed like Courtney giving Ben an HJ in the tiny hot tub (watch it again) - I'm sure all part of her plan to make him finish and fall asleep so she can just sit around squishing her face and avoiding sex. I know I've fallen for that before.

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  5. omg, anonymous- that is amazing, i'll have to watch it again, hope they put plenty of chlorine in that hot tub, because the next person that uses it will not want to be soaking in Ben F jizz. grossness!

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