Wednesday, February 8, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode six

The episode begins with the girls arriving in Panama City, Panama and getting super excited about their hotel room. I have to say, I'm really kind of missing The Bachelor house. Have they even been there since the first episode? Does that place just stay empty? OMG. I totally want to be a squatter and live there! I would end every day by giving myself a rose. And then after I got old and died, I would go Paranormal Activity on the contestants. Cause you know this shit is going to last for another fifty seasons at least.

Anyway. Courtney talks about the skinny dipping incident in this episode almost as much as Emily Maynard talked about her dead boyfriend. To answer Sassypants question from last week, depending on how cold and deep the ocean was, I'm not sure they actually boned-- but I'm willing to bet Courtney stuck her thumb up Ben's butthole.

Holy crap. Chris Harrison better watch his back, because Tall Tattoo from Fantasy Island totally shows up with the first date card. Ben is clearly hoping to take Harrison's gig after this is all over. What the fuck? Does he think it's just that easy to do Chris Harrison's job? The man is a once in a generation kind of talent.

KCB gets the first one on one date. Okay, I like her-- but it bothers me that she's 24 and she's looking for a husband on a reality show. Isn't it a little too early in life to give up on meeting men the traditional way: on the internet and/or outside of Turkish bath houses?

Ugh, another helicopter ride? STOP! Unless we're going to get a full on sex scene in one of these things, fuggedaboutit. Anyway, KCB says that at this point, it doesn't really matter what they're going to do on their date. She's with Ben and that's all that matters. WHAT? I feel like she's the kind of girl that stands by her man no matter what. Like, Ben F could murder all her family members, then eat them with some fava beans and a nice chianti and she would probably serve him leftovers the next day with a big fat submissive smile on her face.

The helicopter takes them to a secluded island and leaves them there to fend for themselves ALL ALONE. Look, ABC. Enough is enough. We know there's a camera crew with these people. Am I really supposed to believe Ben and KCB cooked that fish themselves? Um, I'm pretty sure there's a craft services table right behind them. Anyway, Ben says this is an opportunity for them to see if they can work well together in life. Okay...so, when KCB gets into a tragic car accident and is paralyzed from the neck down and can't twirl her baton...is Ben going to say "sweetie, we'll get through this. We cracked coconuts together." Hmmm. Probably.

Once again, we hear Ben say how KCB goes with the flow. This guy is so transparent. He totally wants a girl that's submissive, has no opinions, and is going to go out of her way to make him feel like he's the second coming. Gross. I really do hope he ends up with the model, cause you know that bitch is as high maintenance as they come.

Ben and KCB have dinner and she says she's going to open up to him like she hasn't opened up to any guy. Wait, does that mean-- she's going to do anal??? (Sassypants. Your game is super fun)

Back at the house, Rachel and Blakely learn they are going on the two on one date and Blakely pretty much shits herself from excitement, because she's positive she's going to get a rose. I'm Team Rachel all the way. If this guy picks Blakely over her, then there's something severely wrong with him. I feel like after having sex with Blakely, you'd have to get that crazy Silkwood radiation shower:

Okay, so at dinner-- KCB stays true to her word and opens up to Ben-- but she doesn't let him perform anal on her. Instead, she tells him that she feels old for her age because...she had an eating disorder in high school. Um...what is she talking about? Who didn't have an eating disorder in high school? Who doesn't have an eating disorder now? If we cut back to the other girls, I'm sure they're all either bingeing or purging. Wait. Do you think she stuck her baton down her throat? I'm not trying to be insensitive here. Eating disorders are for reals, but unless she was hospitalized and/or in a Lifetime movie with Tracy Gold, I'm not gonna feel that bad for her. Either way, Ben has no response. He's terrible at consoling these girls. I think he's annoyed that her bulimia convo is taking time away from her telling him how great he is. Anyway, KCB gets a rose. Duh.

If I have to see another "coming up" promo of KCS crying in the car, I'm going to lose my shit. Can we just get to this scene already???

This was a pretty lame group date. Ben picks the girls up on the boat and the girls swoon over his manly prowess. It was a total mind fuck seeing Jamie get interviewed in this episode. I assumed she would have a lisp or a thick Russian accent, but she's pretty normal. Even though the model does have a pretty face, I do take pleasure in the fact that she's got stumps for legs.

Suddenly, we see these token brown kids in loincloths playing soccer. They see Ben F and the girls coming and they run for their freaking lives. I start screaming at the TV: run faster, run faster...but it's too late. The girls and Ben find their village and the locals are forced to come out and entertain them. Man, I wish this was one of those villages where Caucasian people got their heads shrunk.

The girls change into traditional Panama City tribal-wear and of course, Courtney decides to go bra-less under her top. The hilarious thing is, she thinks she looks all sexy and hot, but she ends up looking totally ridiculous with the black bar over her boobs the whole time. And Ben is just the scum of the earth for saying that he appreciated seeing her boobies. What is his problem? He is never going to get a date after this.

It's cocktail par-tay time. Oh, no. What is Jamie wearing? It looks like it's right off the racks of Contempo Casuals cirqa 1994. UGH. Ben makes a toast to girls that go with the flow. Here's the deal-- women that always go with the flow are about as real as unicorns.

Lindzi and Ben get some one on one time where once again he says that he doesn't like girls that are drama or high maintenance and that he doesn't believe in fighting. Dear Ben, you should date a corpse. Lindzi admits that she has cried which means I was right-- Rachel is the only contestant we have yet to see shed a tear. Side note, does Lindzi have mouth herpes?

Anyway, here were the two highlights from the group date. Jamie tries to make a move on Ben-- it turns out, she hasn't even kissed him, which totally begs the questions-- what the fuck is she still doing on this show? Well, just as she tries to seduce Ben, Courtney arrives in her bikini and swims in the background. And the guy actually says during an on camera interview that he's finding it difficult to focus. The fuck! If I was Jamie, I'd smack him across the face, spit in his mouth, make fun of his hair, and quit the show. It would save her SO much embarrassment later.

The next best scene is when Dr. Emily, PhD decides to take the high road with Courtney and for some odd reason tells her she was wrong about her, even though Velveteen Rabbit face was being super terrible on the group date. But I'll give Em credit-- she was trying to turn a new leaf and be a nice person and then...wait for it...Courtney responds with-- I don't forgive and forget. We'll never be friends. I don't respect you. Ben comes over at the tail end of the conversation and gives the group date rose to Lindzi which is lame, because it would have been such a burn to the whore bitch model if Emily got it. The main reason I don't want Courtney to make it to the final two is that I want her to get the shit kicked out of her during the Women Tell All episode.

I almost forgot, after the group date, we get some weird scene of Courtney waiting for Ben to stop by her hotel room and then getting all upset when he doesn't show. Um. What is happening? Are we supposed to feel sorry for her right now?

The two on one date is just straight up terrible. Blakely and Rachel have to change into these terrible cocktail dresses and learn to salsa dance with Ben. Blakely definitely turns up the stripper-ho and Ben actually seems pretty into it. It's like he's a thirteen year old boy that's never had sex or kissed anyone but his sister. It's creepy. Ben and the girls go to dinner and he gets some private time with each of them. During his alone time with Blakely, she decides to unleash her secret weapon.

A SCRAPBOOK.

I'm not kidding. Are these girls out of their minds??? On what universe do you ever give a guy a scrapbook? If I gave the H-bomb a scrapbook tomorrow, he would probably file for divorce and change the locks. Ladies-- you can only make scrapbooks for your girlfriends and that's only if you're under the age of fifteen. Needless to say, Blakely does not get a rose and she has a nervous breakdown. First, she runs away from Ben--insert shot of stray cat--- and then she convulses into his arms. We don't even get a post-break up interview. I'm guessing the first thing she did when she got into that van was eat the scrapbook. Poor Blakely. I could see her having some sort of lurid affair with Chris Harrison someday.

Speaking of Chris Harrison...it's the moment we've been waiting for all episode!!! Harrison arrives before the cocktail party and tells the girls he needs to talk to KCS. She has the goofiest grin on her face like she expects him to tell her they're ending the season early, because Ben's made up his mind and he wants to marry her. They walk outside and I proceed to have a full fledged panic attack. What is he going to tell her??? Does she have cancer? Did her cat die? Did her mom get into a car accident? Is she really an illegal alien from Switzerland??
It's none of those things. Harrison has basically heard from a few different people back home that KCS is in love with another man. Hold up. How easy is it to get ahold of Chris Harrison? I want to call him up and tell him I have it on good authority that he's into anal bleaching. Okay. I promise, that's the last anus reference in this recap.

The best part about this whole sequence is that KCS mistakes it for an intervention or therapy session and starts confiding in Chris about her ex-boyfriend Michael and how he'll never marry her and how she doesn't know how she feels about him and maybe she should go to therapy. I would give both my arms to know Harrison's interior monologue during her incoherent rambling. I'm pretty sure he was thinking about how he was going to get a mani/pedi later and have a shrimp cocktail sent up to his room.

Anyway, KCS has to go tell the truth to Ben and once again, she can't really put two words together. Ben proceeds to lecture her on how he let other girls go who really wanted to be there. Fuck that. Dear Ben, KCS has as much charisma and personality as an unfertilized egg. You kept her around because she was hot. You have no one to blame but yourself. Anyway, KCS leaves barefoot and goes into a serious ugly cry. I'm pretty sure she was crying over Michael and not Ben. Here's a pic of her and her ex in case you were curious...

Cocktail party time. The only thing you need to know about this cocktail party is that poor Jamie made a complete fool of herself. Let this be a lesson to all you older siblings-- if your parents are deadbeats-- do not agree to raise your younger brothers and sisters. It will turn you into an awkward weirdo that does not know how to talk to men. Jamie literally says that she needs to show Ben "that I'm a woman, that I'm sexy, and that I can please him." And she does that by straddling him and laughing, while she tries to kiss him. But it doesn't end there. She decides they need to give the kiss another shot and gives him step by step directions. I'm talking: we start with our mouths closed for three seconds, then we open them 15 degrees for ten seconds, then we close them again, then my tongue touches your tongue, then we sing the first verse of Like a Prayer, then we open them really wide and shove our tongues down each other's throats, then we have an eskimo kiss, and then we do the whole thing over again. I am honestly not sure if I have seen anything quite as awkward and I'm afraid poor Jamie has to go into some sort of dating protection program after this. In case you were wondering, she's the one that's sent home at the end of the episode. I feel bad for Jamie. I'm really going to miss her glittery eye shadow and crispy hair. Best of luck to her on her quest for true love.

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