Thursday, February 23, 2012

But if we break up...who gets to keep the friends?

An old friend of mine from New York was in a relationship with a guy for about three years when she decided she had to break up with him. She wasn't in love with him anymore and he just wasn't the guy she could see herself spending the rest of her life with. There was only one minor problem...they had ALL the same friends. Somewhere over the course of the three years together, their lives had completely co-mingled. The scariest thing about breaking up with him wasn't losing him, it was losing everyone else that mattered to her in the process. As the "dumper" she would be perceived the bad guy and chances were, most people would stay loyal to him. Plus, she couldn't exactly break the guys heart and take all his friends with her. So, what's a girl to do?

Totally chicken out and never break up with him. Last time I checked on Facebook, they were still together.

Perhaps it was just a rough patch and she had an epiphany that he was the true love of her life OR maybe staying together was just way easier and less complicated than breaking up. When my high school bf and I broke up, we had a lot of the same friends...but it was pretty easy to delineate who belonged to him and who belonged to me prior to us getting together. My other relationships didn't last long enough for me to acquire their friends, and plus, the pessimist in me was always conscious of not completely merging our social groups. Even today, the H bomb and I don't necessarily share the exact same group of friends. I love his friends and consider them my own and vice/versa-- but aside from the occasional double dates or birthday party-- we usually hang out with our friends separately. There are a few people that are equally close to the both of us and if he left me tomorrow, I'd force them to choose between us. Otherwise, the elephant in the room any time I hung out with that person would be-- do they know if my ex is dating someone else?! Does he ever ask about me? Especially when a break up is ugly, mutual friends inevitably have to choose sides.

I've also never been one to stay friends with my friends' exes. It just doesn't seem right that I should continue to stay in touch with them, if my bestie doesn't want to have anything to do with them anymore. So, I'm curious readers-- have you ever gotten out of a relationship with someone who was super duper part of your social circle? If so, who got to keep the friends in the divorce? Comment below.

1 comment:

  1. This is complicated. It depends on the terms of the breakup. If we remain friends, then it is all good if he hangs with my friends. If the breakup is bitter, I want to pretend he never existed. That means I do not want to hang with the friends I met through him, and I do NOT want him to hang with the friends he met through me. Immature? Perhaps. Possessive? Probably. Human? Yeah.

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