Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Exclusive: My Interview with Cupid

I wanted to do something special for you guys on Valentine's Day this year, so I tracked down one of the most elusive figures in Roman mythology. Cupid. For reals! It wasn't easy. The guy is more private than Banksy and Terrence Malick combined. But give him a little scotch and you can't shut him up. Below is my interview.

I sat at the bar at the Soho House, dressed in my favorite unassuming boots/legging combo, waiting for Cupid to show up for our interview. He was twenty minutes late, but with Valentine's Day on the horizon, I figured he was busy and decided to give him a pass. Plus, I was too busy watching the intense exchange across the way between Michael Fassbender and Jason Segal over whose penis looks better on celluloid. The argument ends with Fassbender pulling down his pants and Jason Segal running away in tears. Twenty minutes later, Cupid finally shows up.

His hair was dark and messy. It looked like he hadn't shaved in days. His eyes were puffy from lack of sleep. He was dressed in a pair of beat up jeans and a grey T-shirt that looked perfectly worn out. He carried a vintage bow and quiver of arrows like it was no big thing. I wanted to punch him and hold him all at the same time. He grabbed a seat next to me and ordered us both a glass of their finest Scotch. He looked at me with his giant brown eyes and apologized for being late. He had a fight with his girlfriend and they needed to have make up sex before he could leave his hotel room. I laughed in a way that said "I'm late ALL the time, because of make up sex." Anyway, we got our drinks, toasted to love, and commenced the interview.

Saaara: How does it feel to be the most hated mythic figure in the world this time of year?
Cupid: Ouch. You don't pull any punches.

S: I don't know if you're aware of this, but a lot of people hate Valentine's Day. If they're single, it makes them feel pretty lonely.
Look. I get that. There's a lot of people that like to blame me for being alone. I'm an easy scapegoat. I just put them on my "die alone" list and go on with my day.

S: There's a die alone list? Who's on it??
C: George Clooney. I just added Kim Kardashian.

S: Wow, okay....moving on. What inspires you to shoot an arrow? Do you look for ways two people are similar or different when you bring them together?
C: It's hard to explain. What drives anyone to be with anyone? What attracts the sun to the sky? Why do penguins mate for life?

S: I have no idea what any of that means.
C: (he looks around and lowers his voice) It's mostly random. I've never quite perfected my aim, so a lot of times the wrong people end up together. It's all pretty arbitrary. Think about it. There are a lot of single people in the world. If I was actually going to research on why one person should end up with another, I'd have no time to sleep. So, I just take aim and hope for the best. I end up with more "me" time and the world ends up with a higher divorce rate. That's the trade-off. (looks off to the side as actress and Oscar nominee Rooney Mara walks by) Wow. She's even prettier in person.

S: How do you feel when people say Valentine's Day is just a Hallmark holiday.
C: People think that?

S: Come on, Cupid. Don't play dumb.
C: (takes a long swallow of his drink) It pisses me off. I work hard. I'm doing my best here. The economy isn't what it used to be. I've had to downsize. I'm getting killed by all these internet dating sites out there. OkCupid? Those fuckers didn't even ask permission to use my name. So. Yeah. There's some single sad lonely people out there that dread Valentine's Day. Women mostly. And don't get me wrong. I feel for them. But that's why I convinced God to invent chocolate and Girls Night Out. I'm trying here.

And I think he means it when he says it. He looks broken and tired. Kind of like Barack Obama. I decide to change course for a second and focus on the positive.

S: Which one of your pairings are you most proud of?
C: (huge grin) If you asked me a month ago, I would have said Heidi and Seal, but we all know how that turned out. So, I'm gonna go with Haru and Kenneth Potter. She's Japanese. He's British. They've been married for 52 years and split their time between Tokyo and London. They're both artists. They've had sex everyday since they got married.

S: Wow. What's their secret?
C: They have an open marriage. I never said they have sex with each other everyday.

S: Holy crap. What are you saying, Cupid? You don't believe in monogamy?
C: I do. As much as I believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa. They used to sleep together, by the way.

At this point, I fall out of my stool and the nice hostess at the Soho House asks me to pull it together or they'll have to escort me out in front of all these very attractive and powerful celebrities. I try my best to play it cool.

S: Santa and the Tooth Fairy had an affair?
C: He messed her up. Bad. She tried to off herself by swallowing a handful of molars. People shit all over Valentine's Day and let their kids sit on Santa's lap when the guy has been cheating on Mrs. Claus for years. The man is such a hypocrite. (He says this next part loud and everyone in the place stares at us) Who keeps a naughty and nice list when they're out there boning everything that moves? Fat. Fuck.

S: Well, this has been eye-opening to say the least.
C: What can I say. Love is complex. I bring people together, but I can't be held responsible for what happens after. There's collateral damage. Hearts get broken. Shit gets shitty.

He sounds so...complacent and oddly attractive.

S: If you had to leave it all behind tomorrow, what would you do instead?
C: I'd be an actor.

And then something weird happens. Cupid leans into me and puts his hand on my knee. He finishes both our drinks.

C: What do you say we get out of here?

I slap his hand away and remind him I'm married. He rolls his eyes, musses his hair, then lights a cigarette and says, totally straightfaced: Happy Valentine's Day. Then he walks right up to Rooney Mara like the player I always secretly knew he was. And that's when I notice: he left his bow and quiver of arrows right by my feet. I pick them up and make a run for it.

*photo credit: Getty Images, Maria Pavlova

1 comment:

  1. Seriously awesome! Hot tea came out of my nose at Kim Kardashian and now I want to sleep with Cupid.