Tuesday, February 21, 2012

the top ten signs you are dating a CRAZY person

You finally meet someone you like who likes you back. They seem stable and "drama-free" and then it happens...just when they get comfortable enough, you see the first inklings of nutty behavior. Uh-oh. That shit cray. But how do you know it's not just a one off psycho moment? Well, that's what we're here for. Behold, the top ten signs you are dating a crazy person. Brought to you by a girl that's had her fair share of unhinged episodes. Here's a tip for you basketcase females-- just tell your mates you were "practicing your audition for the role of Glenn Close in the Fatal Attraction remake." Works like a charm.

10. They call, text, email, ping, Facebook wall, tweet, send you letters entirely too often. This might mean the person you're dating is possessive, insecure, or is battling short term memory loss. All signs that they are total head cases.

9. They break out the prescription pills before you've exchanged "I love yous." This happened to me once. I went to brunch with a guy after our first sleepover date-- which was also our first date (oops) and he busted out his anti-depressants before we'd even ordered breakfast. I am not against medication, hell, I could use some mood stabilizers myself BUT I need to be eased into that shit. Needless to say, I ended it with him...six months later.

8. They have no friends. It's one thing to be five years old and have no friends, but an adult who's gone through high school, possibly college, and a series of jobs, and hasn't managed to make or maintain any friendships in any of those institutions-- well that's just not a good sign. If no one before you wanted to spend any leisure time with your significant other, it's probably because they're social pariahs. Think about it-- the rest of the world doesn't even want to grab a drink with them, but you're willing to get butt naked with them? Hmmm. Are you sure that's the smartest decision?

7. They expect far too much, far too early in a relationship. If you've only been dating the person for a few weeks and you happen to pull a dick move by flaking on them once-- their reaction is key to their mental stability. For instance, if they play it cool and pretend like they didn't even notice OR make a sarcastic quip about it, then let it go--CONGRATS! You are dating a sane person. If they go on a tirade of how hurt and upset they were, how they've been cheated on in the past, how they never, ever, ever want you to make them feel like that again, and have a conversation about it that lasts longer than ten minutes...then, we're sorry to inform you, there's a pretty good chance they're at least 25% unstable.

6. They cry A LOT. It's okay to cry, but not too often and definitely not too soon. I think I waited almost an entire year before I let the husband see me cry. And even then, it was because we were long distance and I was sad to say good bye to him. Okay, fine not a year, six months. Then, when he moved to LA, I let the weekly crying commence. It was like-- what? you want to go to Pechanga and gamble with your friends instead of go to the Arclight and see a movie with me??? WAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Now, if he'd done that two months into our relationship and I was still pretending I was cool, I'd be like "have fun, win big, I'll just have a girls night out at a dive bar and make out with a stranger in the photo booth." If you're bad at keeping the tears at bay, then I highly recommend having the movie Awakenings on your phone, iPad, computer, Blu Ray player, etc cued to the scene where Robert DeNiro starts getting the shakes again and pretend that's really the reason you're crying.

5. They're angry drunks. I go from fun drunk to angry drunk somewhere between my third and fourth drink. I think the H bomb actually dreads it more when I'm a chatty drunk, but this isn't about me. This is about your crazy boyfriend or girlfriend. SO, if they start glaring at you every time they drink and blurt out things like "you think you're sooooo smart" and "don't you fucking touch me" and "I hope you throw up your own diarrhea and choke on it" then...well, they're definitely certifiable.

4. They're estranged from their family. There are definitely some cases where it's acceptable for your sig other not to talk to their family members. Like...if their parents are in a religious cult or spent their college money on crystal meth or did other unspeakable things to them that would quickly turn this post into a serious downer. But even in those cases, you have to be careful, cause crazy breeds crazy. But if they're not talking to their family, because they never got a car as a teenager or their mom told them to stand up straight and smile more, than they don't even have a good excuse for why they're crazy.

3. They think they're always the victim. This is a good one. If the person you're dating has had a lot of "bad luck" or gotten into bad situations with crazy people or had a lot of asshole bosses or bitchy friends or emotionally abusive boyfriends and just can't understand why awful things keep happening to them...chances are, it's because they're the problematic one and they don't even have the perspective to see it. People that take no responsibility for their actions are fucking crazy.

2. Their idea of a threesome is you, them, and their split personality. This happened to me once. I was dating a guy who said he wanted to have a threesome with me and his best friend Jason. I couldn't believe my luck! I'd actually met a guy who wanted to do a two guys and a girl threesome! And yes, maybe that meant he was gay, but we could cross that bridge when we got there. Well, it turned out his best friend Jason was just his more rebellious, edgy, other personality in the same boring body. I broke up with him, but Jason and I dated for two years.

1. They try to kill you. If they go after you with a knife, a gun, a baseball bat, a machete, a bottle of untraceable rat poison, or an apartment full of carbon monoxide, then it's probably time to have the "i think we should see other people talk" after you serve them with a restraining order.


  1. I dated #3! Actually I'm pretty sure I dated all the other ones too at some point but #3 stands out the most. I'm still really close friends with his sister and I often look at his life ( early 40's, lives at home with his parents, wife and two kids, installs cable tv) and think to myself 'there but for the grace of intelligence go I'. I also have one more to add to your list, #11..he/she lies to you about everything, including the last name. Serious sign of balance issues.

  2. There but for the grace of intelligence-- i love that, what a great mantra! And good call on #11, we'll have to add that to our part two list.

  3. Men and women who lie about being abused to garner sympathy and then turn out to be abusers themselves...projection at its finest

  4. holy cow s*** all of these applied to the guy that I have been trying to break things off with