Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the top ten worst things about going through a BLOW OFF

There are a billion reasons it sucks to suffer the death of a relationship, but since we're all short on time and attention spans these days, we narrowed it down to ten. You're welcome:

10. That terrible, terrible phase where you still hang out with your ex...but suddenly you have to refrain from touching each other, kissing, holding hands, saying "I love you." If you're a normal human being with feelings, you probably burst into tears the second after you're in the safety of your own car, home, or subway train. I think break ups should happen in phases, like the nicotine patch. Phase one: no sex. Phase two: no making out. Phase three: no holding hands. Phase four: no "I love yous". Phase five: never, ever, ever seeing each other again.

9. Being forced to pretend like you're happy for all your friends who are in relationships and lack the sensitivity to take a pause on gushing about how great their significant others are and how in love they are. These friends deserve to get punched in the face. Seriously, people. When your friends are going through a break up, no matter what-- your relationship sucks too.

8. Going on that first awful post-break up date. You know, the one you think you're ready for that's so terrible and creepy and reeks of that masturbation/playground scene in Little Children. The date that makes you emotionally regress to the first day you were dumped. Beware of these dates, folks. Seriously. The next person you have dinner with after an ex should be heavily screened. If you go out on a date just for the sake of getting yourself out there and the person is a total weirdo, you will end the night crying yourself to sleep, while listening to Against All Odds by Phil Collins on repeat.

7. That super daunting feeling that you have to start ALL over again. Getting dumped is like running a marathon and being told you need to run another twenty-six miles at the finish line. The best part of a relationship is that "middle" stage where you're super comfortable with a person and there are so many hurdles to jump until you get there with another person. It could take years.

6. On that note: the thought of getting naked in front of someone new. You know, that early stage in a relationship where you'd rather not have sex with the lights on in the middle of the day on the floor of your apartment. Or when you lie in bed in severe pain from your ultra-full bladder, because you're too shy to get up and walk to the bathroom naked and you have no idea where you threw your underwear. If you're one of those women that blow dries her hair naked in the gym locker room-- then good news, #6 does not apply to you!

5. The pressure of looking super pretty and gorgeous all the time on the off chance that you run into your ex in public. I used to take an extra long time getting ready to go to work in New York in case I ran into a guy I dated in California...who still lived in California (but you never know when that person could be visiting on vacation. Back me up on that.)

4. That empty, gut-wrenching, pit of your belly feeling that never leaves you-- no matter what you're doing. Sitting in your cubicle at work, eating dinner with friends, meeting new guys at bars, sleeping, showering, flossing. Do you know how hard it is to smile and have a conversation with a person when your insides are dying a slow death?

3. Obsessively wondering whether your ex has already had sex with someone else, gone on a date, fallen in love, gotten married, made a baby, etc. And knowing deep down that they are not thinking about you nearly as much as you are thinking about them.

2. Mourning all the things you said you were going to do and never did. The vacation you'd already planned out. The tickets you bought for a concert next month. The restaurant you never got a chance to try. The wedding you were supposed to attend together. The Christmas you were supposed to spend with his family. All those future babies that no longer have any chance of being conceived.

1. Hearing that voice again in the back of your head again. You know, the one that worries you're going to die alone. But you're not. We promise. Unless you're going to die tomorrow, then we can't help you out. But oh my God, you are so not going to die tomorrow. What are the chances of that?! Wait. Unless you're planning to kill yourself to make your ex feel super guilty about dumping you. Don't do that! They'll feel guilty for like two weeks. Seriously, please don't do that.


  1. Yes!! By the way, I think some of these apply to friendship breakups as well. Those can be worse than romantic splits. The Blowoff should cover that angle sometime!

  2. Friendship break ups are the worst!! Here are a few posts we've done on them, but it's a subject worthy of many more.



  3. The happy-couple-friends are the WORST. For example, I'm working through my own break up and literally the day it happened, my good friend was IMing me about a fight with her bf over which friends to hang out with over the weekend. If it wasn't for being blinded by my tears, I would have murdered her.

    I really need all my friends to, like, not talk about being in a relationship right now.

  4. Also I'm definitely going to die alone. The end.

    I'm serious.

  5. Claire-- A. i would have reached into the computer and bitch slapped your friend if I could have. B. You will not die alone. You are one of those rare people that is going to have a fabulous career ahead of you and a fabulous love life. Cause you're that smart and that cool. Trust me.

    1. thanks lady! i actually really appreciate it :)

      thank god for this blog