Monday, February 20, 2012

Why we're BLOWING OFF the GOP

In honor of President's Day, we thought we'd examine the top three GOP presidential candidates. I figure picking a President is sort of like picking a mate, and none of these guys seems to have the qualities I want in a husband, let alone the leader of the free world. Obama has his flaws...but did you hear him sing Al Green? And he passed universal healthcare and killed Bin Laden. SOLD.

Let's start with Newt Gingrich. The guy who BLOWS OFF his wives. He's the dick husband that will divorce you as soon as something better comes along and you refuse him an open marriage. Here's his marital history in a nutshell. In 1962, he married his geometry teacher. Yes, an older woman. Then, in 1980 he left her after beginning an affair with a woman nine years younger than him (and 16 years younger than his wife.) I don't know if I believe this, but apparently this is how Gingrich described his first wife: "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." Gingrich denies ever saying this and I want to believe even he's not that awful. In 1993, Gingrich started an affair with a House of Representatives staffer who was twenty-three years younger than him. This is the lovely and crazy-eyed Calista who he then married in 2000 after divorcing his second wife. Guys. Calista is thirty years younger than Newt's first wife! It looks like he enjoys dumping his wives in twenty year increments, so Calista better enjoy the eight years they've got left of their marriage. Per Bill Maher, if he gets elected President, Calista should be referred to as the Third Lady (AKA TLOTUS). Before you get your panties in a bunch about all the Democrats who've cheated on their wives, we know.

And then there's good old Rick Santorum. He enjoys BLOWING OFF gay people and the entire female race. Sometimes it's hard to believe that he's such a terrible person, because he looks like the kind of guy that would invite you over to his house for a barbeque. I'm guessing that's why the tea-partay likes him so much. Santorum calls himself the true conservative of the bunch and I guess he is if being a conservative means being a total bigot weirdo. He's exactly the kind of Republican that believes in small government EXCEPT when it comes to a woman's uterus. He's so pro-life, he thinks abortion should be illegal even in cases of rape and incest. And he thinks states should be given the right to outlaw contraception. If all that wasn't bad enough, he's equated homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality. The man is a homophobe. He's also blamed radical feminism for making woman believe it's fulfilling to have professional lives outside the home. Um, apparently Santorum discovered a time machine and he's been visiting us from the 19th century. Did I mention the states of Iowa, Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri want him to be the Republican candidate?!
Finally, Mitt Romney. I feel a little guilty giving him a hard time, because he's pretty much getting BLOWN OFF by Republican voters. When it comes to Romney, conservatives feel like they're settling. The guy just can't get a break and he's kind of shooting himself in the foot. For instance, instead of saying he cares most about the middle class, he said he doesn't care about the very poor (or the very rich) and every headline read: Romney doesn't care about poor people. You almost have to feel bad for him. Except...he's totally that dude that will say anything just to get you to have sex with him. He's shady like that. Like, one second he's pro-choice, the next second he's pro-life. One second, he thinks gays and lesbians should be able to serve openly in the military, the next second, he doesn't. He's also gone back and forth on climate change, stem cell research, and same sex marriage. And sadly, what he really doesn't want anyone about is his one of his greatest accomplishments: healthcare reform in Massachusetts-- also known as Romneycare which is what "Obamacare" was based on. All that aside, some Republicans flat out won't vote for him, because he' Come on people, how hot would it be to have a first, second, and third lady all living in the white house together. Big Love meets West Wing, anyone?

All kidding aside, one of these men could be President. I'm pretty sure Abe Lincoln is totally rolling in his grave right now. And he was a Republican.

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