Tuesday, March 13, 2012

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: season finale!

It's the day we've all been waiting for! The end of The Bachelor! Two hours every week of Ben what the F's face has been really difficult. Like, I don't think Ben F really realizes or understands how hard this has been for us. It's been SO hard.

The show opens with shots of Ben and his two girlfriends breathing in the fresh Swiss air and pondering their undying love. In one shot, Courtney tries to pet a cat and the poor, innocent, animal doesn't want to have anything to do with her. PETA should do something about this. Courtney should not be allowed to touch animals. She's stealing their souls.

Ben claims he's in love with both woman, which we all know is total bullshit. Why can't they just play this differently and have Ben say he's in love with one girl and he has to pretend to love the other. And after every time he says something sweet to a girl, they can freeze frame everything except Ben...who would look directly into the camera every time and say "or am I lying??"

Oh. No. There they go ruining that David Gray song again. Why can't they just use songs from super annoying bands like Nickelback and Train?!

I'm actually kind of surprised that Ben's mom and sister agreed to be on the show. They just seem a little too high brow and snooty for this whole thing. I will admit, it does melt my ice cold heart just a tiny bit to see how happy he is to see his family. He tells them that he has to incredible women left and he doesn't know what to do. Sigh. This franchise has become so predictable. What are the chances he proposes to Harrison at the end and they sled down the Matterhorn together?

Right away, I like Ben's sister because she straight out tells him it's a red flag that the other women did not like Courtney. Smart girl. But I'm not going to get my hopes up yet. Courtney is as WASPy as they are and I really think they will look at her and see a girl that looks great in a cable knit sweater and totally fits in with them.

Lindzi gets to meet his family first. It's a little bumpy in the beginning, because she keeps dropping her silverware. It's like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman with the escargot. She even says she gets nervous when she has to eat proper and Ben's mom looks like Lindzi just announced she's a five dollar hooker. Courtney is going to have this in the bag with these people. I don't know about Ben's family, they just seem really stiff and cold to me. I bet his mom has a prescription pill problem and really messy closets.

Lindzi and Ben's sister Julia have some one on one time and Julia starts giving her tips on how to win her brother over. Basically, Lindzi needs to do some serious ego stroking if she wants Ben to ask her to marry him. I have to say, I love that Julia asks Lindzi why the rest of the girls didn't like Courtney. I think this is the first time a family member has asked one of the final two contestants what they think about the other. I can't really remember what Lindzi said in her response, because I was too mesmerized by the fact that she was over-enunciating the letter T once again when she said the word cerTainTy. Next, Lindzi has her third interview at Company Flajnik with Ben's mom who asks her what the magic ingredient in their relationship is: Um, the fact that they are on a reality show maybe?

In the end, Lindzi wins Ben's family over. If they never find out how she spells her name, she might actually have a chance with Julia and Martha Stewart.

I like Ben's sister even more when she totally rolls her eyes after finding out Courtney is a model. She does not want some floozy for a sister-in-law. I kind of feel like Ben should blow off both of the incredible women he's in love with and marry his sister, she's straight out of awesometown. Courtney shows up and I have to be honest, it doesn't feel like it's going too well. They ask her about the fact that the other girls hated her and she's kind of cold and defensive about it. There's no way they are going to like this girl. She even tells Ben's sister that she's told her everything she needed to know. Snap!

BUT, it turns out-- they freaking love Courtney. They totally give Ben their blessing and tell him Courtney would fit into their family perfectly. I don't understand! Are people just completely fooled by her pretty face? Do they just want to up the attractive quotient in their family Christmas cards? Were they afraid Ben would have ugly babies and Courtney decreases the chances of that? Courtney's stunning looks clearly have everyone mesmerized. She even fooled me! This was my description of her before the season started based on her photo alone:

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Courtney makes it to the final two. She's like the brunette Emily, except I get a vibe that she reads books and knows about politics. She looks like the kind of girl that rode horses growing up. And you just know Ben F.'s uptight WASPY mom is really gonna like her. Plus, I have a feeling she might have a good sob story to help up her chances of sticking around. If she's as sweet as she looks, ABC will want her to stay at least till the end so they can make her the next Bachelorette. My favorite thing about Courtney is that she does not spell her name Kortni.

At this point, I just want to fast-forward to the proposal, because despite the fact that it's been out for weeks that Ben chooses Courtney, it's already SO obvious based on the way he talks about her with this family. But I can't deprive myself of another forty-five minutes of Ben pretending he has no idea who he's going to propose marriage to.

Ben has his last date with Lindzi and when she sees him she does the old kiss and straddle move. I think that should be cause for instant disqualification. And then when Ben tells her they are going skiing, she gets so excited you'd think Simon Cowell just made a cameo and told her she's been hired to be the next X Factor judge . The drinking game for this episode really should have been-- drink whenever anyone says Matterhorn. Is this ABC's way of planting subliminal messages in everyone's heads to get them to Disneyland? Lindzi has never gone skiing before--so, surprise/surprise-- she uses that as a freaking relationship metaphor. Basically, she's nervous to ski, but that's okay, because relationships are scary too. Someone punch this girl in the face with Courtney's head.

They have a picnic in a gondola above the alps and Lindzi decides it's game on: she has to tell Ben she's in love with him. I swear to God, Ben F is barely able to keep a straight face in this scene. He is totally playing her. Can't he just slip her a note when the producers aren't looking that says "I'm not picking you, stop making a fool of yourself." Does he have no heart?? And then later in their date, she tells Ben she wants to be the best that she can be for him. These girls are seriously making me feel like a terrible wife. The H-bomb spent $75 getting his laundry done the other week, because I refuse to do it. If he hears that other girls say things like "I want to be the best I can be for you" i'm totally fucked. The only thing that kept Lindzi from completely humiliating herself is that she did not make Ben F a scrapbook...which brings me to his last date with Courtney.

Things I hate about Courtney: her high pitched baby voice, the fact that she still talks smack about the other girls, and that she says words like "heli-chopper." She better watch out during the After the Rose special, one of those angry middle-aged chubby viewers with a short perm might throw acid in her face (fingers crossed!) Side note: is it just me or does Courtney still look grossed out kissing Ben?

Courtney and Ben take a helicopter ride over the alps and Ben says it's one of the top ten coolest things he's ever done. Then they go sledding and Courtney says how hard things have been for her. Say what? Courtney, being on The Bachelor is not hard. Working two jobs and being a single mom in the hood is hard. Shut the fuck up! Then she says that even though things have been SOOOOO hard, she's sad this whole experience is coming to an end. Basically, she's super bummed not to be on camera anymore.

Ben goes over to Courtney's "humble abode"-- no, not her vagina, the apartment she's staying in while they're in Switzerland. She presents him with a scrapbook that the producers clearly helped her throw together with production stills. I wonder if she asked Blakely to pitch in. Did anyone pause their DVRs to read Courtney's card? There was whole chunks of it we didn't hear, I'm guessing parts were edited out? The best was: P.S. my all time favorite love song is on this mix CD. Its Ben Harper- Forever. Enjoy honey! xoxo

I admit, I like that song, but she still sucks. And then she starts whining all over again how hard things have been and that she was upset that his family asked her questions about the other women. Ben: this girl is super high maintenance. Her looks will fade. What is wrong with you?? Her crying is so freaking fake. If they pan down there's totally a cutting board of onions sitting on her lap.

Poor Neil Lane has to come all the way out to Switzerland for Ben to pick out an engagement ring--- AGAIN. I really resent the fact that Neil Lane says every girl wants to be a princess. That's not true. Every girl wants to be a model. haha, totally kidding. Every girl wants to have sex with Ryan Gosling. Every girl wants to eat and not get fat. Every girl wants a shopping spree at Anthropologie.

At some point, Ben compares the entire journey on the show to getting married. WTF? Now the entire Bachelor franchise is a marriage metaphor? Who writes this shit. They need to mix things up. If this guy could say what he was really thinking, this show would have the highest ratings on TV. Ben: When I look at Lindzi, I just don't want to ejaculate all over her face the way I do with Courtney.

So...Lindzi and Courtney have been relatively inoffensive when it comes to their fashion sense, so I'm very perplexed by their Evil Queen from Snow White outfits for the final rose. I mean, Lindzi is wearing a velvet green cape and Courtney is wearing black latex gloves. Seriously, what was up with that? Is she secretly cat woman and forgot to take them off en route from her big showdown with Batman on top of the Matterhorn?

No surprise that Lindzi's helicopter is the first to land. We all know Ben's about to dump her in that terrible, terrible outfit. Lindzi makes the big mistake of starting the dialogue with how much she loves Ben, but this time...he's not cracking a smile. Uh-oh. Ben actually has the gall to say "I fell in love with you" but that it wasn't a forever love. I'm super disappointed that as Ben walks her out, Lindzi tells him not to be sorry, consoles him, and then says she's mad at herself for not giving him what he wanted. What is wrong with these ladies? Was Ben beating them up off camera? They totally sound like battered women. Lindzi said it best in her voice over when she claimed that Ben is going to look like a fool if he proposes to Courtney.

But let's focus on what matters here. Courtney and those black gloves. Seriously, who would throw that shit on when they're about to get engaged? This whole sequence is totally cringe-worthy. I am so embarrassed. I need a shower. I feel like I'm going to throw up. And it's not just because I can't stand Courtney, it's because I just wasted the last two and a half months of my life watching two horrible people pretend to fall in love with each other. You always know it's a bad sign when a woman gets way over excited about a diamond. Remember earlier in the season when Courtney said she deserves at least two carats? Anyway, Ben gets down on one knee, Courtney says yes, and the Bachelor franchise takes a major hit. ABC has some major damage control ahead of them.

So, I was prepared for this whole proposal BUT I was not prepared for the After the Rose special. First of all, I was convinced that Ben and Courtney would be broken up and he would do a huge mea culpa and just take responsibility for making the wrong decision. Here's what we found out: Ben spent Thanksgiving with Courtney's family. Once the show started airing, he freaked out and basically disappeared on her for weeks (Courtney: he couldn't even send carnations for Valentine's Day. The nerve!). Ben claims he never cheated on Courtney and that the Us Weekly article was a lie-- he was hanging out with friends, there was no kissing, and the photos were old. Cough* bullshit* Cough. Oh, and Courtney purposely tried on wedding dresses as a diversionary tactic. Guys, you're not Brangelina. If you're staging photos at this point, it's because you WANT to be in magazines. Then, even though Ben didn't like what he saw on TV and even though he bailed on her...they are still in love, engaged, and determined to make things work.

I'm so confused.

Is this just ABC's way of getting us to stick with the show? Do they think we'd be more disenchanted if Courtney and Ben called it quits? That's the worst strategy ever. It's like John McCain having Sarah Palin as a running mate, because it'll gain him the female vote.

I know this is all a giant PR ploy and these two will be dunzo again in two weeks, but I feel like Ben would come off way better if he saw the error of his ways and dumped Courtney. I talked to my brother after the show and this was his take: he said that Courtney is incredibly pretty. And she's got game and knows how to flirt and probably is good in bed. All those things considered, a when a guy is dating a super hot girl, he's going to stay with her and convince himself that her bad side will eventually go away or he'll just learn to accept it. I'm not sure why I'm so angry that Ben is still with Courtney. He sucks, she sucks, so they should just suck together but it still irks me. I hate that now they have this "us against the world" attitude. If you feel as annoyed as me, then here's what I propose:

Boycott Ben F's wine. Don't buy it, don't drink it. Promoting it was the only reason he went on the show anyway. I've already taken it upon myself to go on their Facebook page to write on their wall. "I think you guys should change the name of your wine to douche bag wines." Sure, they will probably delete it, but how annoying if they start getting a crapload of wall posts like that? Join me in my quest! https://www.facebook.com/Envolvewines

And in case it does get deleted-- here was what Shannon Caires (whose profile pic is her and Ben) commented on my wall post:How immature! If you don't like them or the wines , why are you following them? Do you even know them? Obviously your the douche for talking about people you "think" you know!

Here's my response:
your profile picture is you and Ben what the F. You're like Mrs. Douchey Doucherson. Also, I don't follow them.

Wait, i just checked the thread again and Shannon deleted her comment. Winning.

All in all, the after the rose special was kind of shitty. First of all, Lindzi wasn't even there which I thought was a major rip off. I get that it's all about Courtney and Ben-- but I still wanted to see him face Lindzi and I wanted to see if her foundation got any better. I did some research and it appears that Ben and Courtney aren't making the press rounds so Lindzi is doing the PR circuit instead. What's next for Lindzi? Probably a stint on the Bachelor Pad. I hope she remembers to pack some Valtrex.

As for Cupcake and JP's appearance: no comment.

Well, guys! That's it for my recaps. Thanks so much for reading and sharing! I'm still debating whether I should put myself through this again for boring Emily. It all depends. If Little Ricky gets to go on all her dates, then I'm totally there! And now, I bring to you Courtney's favorite love song:


  1. I thought the same thing: they're ruining that beautiful David Gray song! How dare they!!! Grrrrr.

  2. Omg i love you. They are two creepy people who made me never want to watch this guilty pleasure shit show again. Am I through? I might be. I resent that I wasted time on them. It honestly felt like I hit a personal low watching that finale. The only thing that makes it worth it is reading your posts. Your writing is delicious!

  3. i actually watched this episode because i was at a friend's house for dinner. they fast forward through a lot which is great but even i was like "that mother hates everyone involved and is just being polite"