Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The bachelor: Women Tell All

Every time I watch a "tell all" episode from The Bachelor franchise, it just reminds me of the time I actually attended a taping of the show for Ali's season. I think I'm still suffering from the post traumatic stress of sitting in a freezing cold studio for hours and hours without food, water, or bathroom breaks. And, wait for it, without my phone! Even the sight of Chris Harrison couldn't keep my spirits up. Did you ever see that movie in the 90s about the rugby team that crashes in the Andes and decides to eat each other? Well, it was exactly like that.

Considering that this was the most controversial season of television in the history of the world, I thought the Women Tell All was relatively tame. Here were some of the highlights:

Another clip package of a seedy Bachelor reunion in Las Vegas...with all the aspiring Bachelor pad contestants. These people make the Challenge contestants on MTV look like freaking royalty. And guess who's here? Ali Fedoslhtkadhfy. Wow. How the mighty have fallen. I guess when you leave Facebook before its giant IPO, all you have left is a low rated spin off show of an already dwindling franchise. We get to see Ali and Frank reunite and Frank is still with his girlfriend Nicole. Good for him. Clearly, the same cannot be said for his screenwriting career.

Okay, let's get to the ladies. I've said it before and I'll say it again...why should someone that got sent home the first night come to the tell all episode? It's called tell ALL. Not just tell us about the first night you were there. That chick who shoots guns and eats bull testicles is here and she seriously doesn't utter a single word the whole time. I'm hoping she just wanted the free trip to LA. I would say awards for the prettiest girls went to KCB, KCS, and Rachel. Brittney wins most improved. Emily looks pretty too, but the outfit is a little too heavy on the cleavage for me. Nicki gets the ugliest outfit award (seriously, I hate big billowy sleeves!). Blakely gets the "I'm trying to wear an outfit that doesn't make me look like a stripper" award. Elyse gets the tannest award. That girl who fainted at that one rose ceremony gets the "most resembling an alien award." And Jaclyn. Where do I even begin. The girl is just so unfortunate in so many ways that I'm actually angry she's on television. You know how all of a sudden you get really superficial and say things like "that girl is too ugly to be on TV. Only pretty people should be on TV." Well, that's what Jaclyn brings out in me. The bleach blond hair, the burn victim features, the terrible spray tan, the droopy cleavage. I can't even deal. She seems really nice though.

First the girls get into some fake fight about Blakely and how she wasn't there to make friends. Ugh. This is old news. Blakely was like the villain of the season for one episode. Why are we still talking about this? And why is Miss Pacific Palisades talking at all? Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, this entire episode should be about Courtney.

One of my favorite parts of the Women Tell All was when Brittney admitted that she left the show, because she wasn't attracted to Ben at all. Amazing. And then she proceeds to tell Miss Pacific Palisades to stop talking and calls her the chihuahua of the house. Man, I kind of wish this girl had stuck around longer.

After everyone is done discussing whether Blakely was a stripper or a hooker, we move on to the next most controversial thing that happened this season. Shawntel, showing up in San Francisco to try and get on the show. I love how any time Shawntel talks about this, she makes it sound like she has Chris Harrison on speed dial. I'm so sure she just called him up and he invited her on the show. Harrison is a very important person. He doesn't just give his phone number to any old Bachelor contestant. Unless they're like best friends Maybe they are like Gayle and Oprah...they talk every night before going to bed so Harrison can talk about how hard it is to be him and Shawntel can tell him he's awesome.

Anyway. We learn that Shawntel was super hurt by all the really, really mean things the girls said about her. Like she's a bitch, and she's not as pretty in person, and she has BIG HIPS. Um, it was so obvious the big hips comment was what really upset her. I also love how we got a little behind the scenes insight-- apparently, Shawntel talked to Ben for two minutes and talked to the girls for two hours. WTF. That makes me wonder how long the one on one dates actually last. Are they like sixteen hour shoots? Cause if so, then it totally makes sense why these chicks would fall in love with Ben so fast. Not really.

Basically, the girls are really nice to Shawntel and admit they felt bad about all the things they said. Then, one girl tells Shawntel that she's gorgeous and the rest of the girls agree and then Shawntel smiles and feels good about herself again and everyone's friends. This sequence is so representative of female dynamics it's unreal. We seriously are like-- I only said you were ugly, because you're SO pretty.

Now, it's Emily's turn to sit in the "hot seat" with Chris Harrison. Emily proves once again to be my favorite, because she totally says that Ben F is an ugly loser who sucks serious balls. Just kidding, but she basically says that she doesn't want to be with a guy that can't see through Courtney or be with a guy that would say things to her like "tread lightly" when she warned him about Courtney. Plus, she uses big words like "antagonist." Well said, Emily. Well said. You are totally speaking like a girl who dropped out of her PhD program.

I'm not really sure why both KCB and Nicki get interview time with Chris Harrison, because let's be real. These two are pretty much the same person. They fill the exact same quota. Perky, doe-eyed, southern brunette. Do we really need two of those on the same reality show? Anyway. Both Nicki and KCB were shocked they were let go. Nicki's doing a whole lot better, because she's living in Dallas now. KCB's still a little guarded, but she finally understands that Ben broke up with her, because he couldn't see himself spending Christmases with her family and that their core values are different. (i.e. she's a christian and he's an atheist). She would still like to think she will be able to fall in love and meet her husband. UGH. There is nothing I hate more than a 24 year old that complains that she's still single. That's like listening to a five year old bitch about not having their driver's license. Relax, lady. It'll happen in due time. I just don't like women who are super desperate about finding love. Everyone knows that even when you want a boyfriend you have to pretend like you don't!

FINALLY. The moment we've all been waiting for. Time to talk smack about Courtney. This almost makes me wish I was a contestant on the show, so I could vent about the Velveteen Rabbit on national television to Chris Harrison and an audience of freezing cold women with full bladders. So, surprise surprise-- the girls hated Courtney. They talk about how fake she was, how she said horrible things about them, how she never tried to be their friends, and only changed her tune when it seemed like she could lose Ben. Sadly, the only person Courtney has to defend her is KCS, who can barely put two words together. I honestly think if she gets too close to water, smoke will start coming out of her ears and she'll malfunction. Then Harrison breaks the news that in an unprecedented move...Courtney, one of the two finalists, is in the studio, so that she could have the opportunity to defend herself.

Courtney comes out and it's exactly how you would expect it. She cries a lot, says this has been the hardest experience of her life. That the tabloids have been so awful. That all her entire family and friends have been torn apart in the media (um, I've read every Us Weekly with her on the cover, they never mention her friends or family). Wah-wah-wah. I don't buy any of this for a second. The girls aren't buying it either. Poor Blakely even thinks if Courtney apologizes about calling her a stripper, the world will see her in a different light. Uh, Blakely-- if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck. It's a stripper. Weirdly, in this segment, we also find out that Courtney "loved" hanging out with Jaclyn. Wha? This just makes me like her less. Her other bestie in the house was freaky-deaky Jaclyn? Did any of you guys actually feel bad for Courtney? If so, please smack yourself in the face really, really, hard. I mean, even Chris Harrison didn't defend her. And did you see her try to do algebra?! She's like, if I thought ahead, if I knew x +....would equal hot dogs, then I would have done things differently.

After Courtney leaves, Ben shows up and this is when things got really sickening for me. First of all, Ben looks gross. I do believe he's got a fun/goofy side and God knows I will do anything for a guy with quick-wit, but I just feel like he's totally in love with himself. There's just nothing very humble about him. I can tell he's one of those guys that would totally disappear on a girl. But what's worse is how some of the girls act towards Ben. Nicki actually says he's the best guy she's ever known. Huh? Was this girl living in a cave before and after her divorce? Does she have a history of dating serial rapists and child molesters and the guy that kidnapped Jaycee Dugard? How is it possible that she has this much love and respect for a guy who didn't give her a rose after she presumably tossed his salad? Even the poor, little, registered nurse that tried to teach Ben how to kiss tells him she's still interested if he's available. Don't these women have any self respect or dignity? Wait. They're on the Bachelor. They don't.

I also find it really annoying that Ben keeps blaming Emily for getting caught up in the Courtney thing as the reason he sent her home. And Emily just smiles and nods and takes it. This is how I break up with people. Instead of telling them I'm not attracted to them or could never imagine seeing them naked, I harp on the one thing they did wrong and blame them for forcing me to break up with them. I know your game, Ben. I've played it. I'm onto you.

Other observations I'd like to make about the Women Tell All. This may be the first time ever that Chris Harrison did not ask the Bachelor if he's in love or happy or whatever. This time last year, Brad Womack would apologize to all the girls, but reference the fact that he was really happy and in love, blah blah blah. So, it's clear-- Ben chooses Courtney, but they are not together. I cannot wait for the after the final rose show. That is going to be so hot. Also, I really think more time should have been devoted to Jackie the blogger and her insane meltdowns, rather than just discussing her psychotic break during the credits. I did love that Monica asked her if she would "accept this tampon." Also, did anyone notice in the bloopers that Ben totally got attacked by a hummingbird? His own father wants to kill him. I for one cannot wait to see him make a huge fool of himself next week. New drinking game: take a shot any time he says anything like "I have real feelings for both of these girls."

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