Wednesday, March 21, 2012

BLOWING OFF the live-in

So, let me start this with the 'in my defense' part of the story. I had been single for nearly two years. Mostly by choice but the last six months had been spent on a desperate search for some type of companionship. And by desperate I mean the kind that is more obvious than the "trying to look older mustache" on a teenage boy. The kind of desperate that rolls off in waves like the stench of too much Aqua Velva on a really fat man in a crowded space on a hot summer day. ( I know, any amount of Aqua Velva is too much but I'm painting a picture here). I was so desperate that I couldn't get laid despite being willing, female, clean and not smelly. Admittedly I was fat at the time but not obese. I don't have any weird facial hair or a hump but something about me just sent the men running.

I had gone to the clubs with the best friend only to stand there as all men hit on her and not even the wing man was willing to take me on. Maybe I was not only desperate, but angry. I don't know. Anyhow, the point is, my desperation landed me in what eventually became a situation where I had to blow off the live in. I finally met someone. He was pretty cute, kind of funny, in fairly decent shape and had a job! Looking back, I think I made most of that up and that only the having a job part was real. He worked at the restaurant that I liked to hang out at so I saw quite a bit of him the first week he worked there. Then I asked him out, went to a Sharks game, and moved him in. All in 24 hours. It was love. I was sure of it. Why delay the inevitable? Fast forward to three months later when the bloom was off the rose and reality had set in like the ton of bricks it likes to be. Turns out he wasn't all that charming, he made really annoying sounds all the time ( I think it is called talking), he was a coke addict (not the refreshing beverage), he never paid for anything (not food, not rent, nothing), wasn't really even remotely attractive, and was an all around ass. So I broke up with him.

Some moron told him that since he had lived there for more than a month he had established residency and I had to give him 30 days notice. Damn!! So I did. I think it went something like this.. " I hate you. You are a fucking loser asshole, get the fuck out of my fucking house in 30 fucking days!" It was truly the longest 30 days ever in the existence of 30 day time spans. The 30th day finally came and I didn't see any moving boxes or packed bags. When I asked him why his shit was still ruining the landscape of my life he said "You mentioned that you might get a roommate so I figured I could be your room mate". Blink. Blink. Blink again. Did you actually get stupider in the past 30 days while I was trying so hard to ignore your existence? My response, as I was stuffing his crap into trash bags (I mean, helping him pack) "You are fucking insane you stupid fuck. Get your shit the fuck out of my fucking house this fucking minute! I cannot believe you can even breathe by yourself you wasted pile of dna. Go. Go right now. GET. OUT. GO. GO. GOOOOO!!!!!"

I had pretty much lost my mind at this point. I couldn't believe that he used his 30 days to come up with nowhere to go and the idea that he would continue to live in my house but as my roommate. I'm honestly quite surprised that I didn't explode, literally, that day. I managed to finish 'helping him pack' and get his crap out my front door. All while he was crying and begging me to let him stay. What he didn't realize was that I was already past the point of even caring a tiny little bit about how he felt. My last itty bitty vestige of sympathy for him went out the door when he was blubbering on his hands and knees, snot pouring down into his mouth. It was far too late, I was done. Totally and completely done.

To read more about I'm Just Sayin is All's exploits, check out her awesome blog.


  1. This is TOO much. What is WRONG with people???

    It is amazing how a guy having a job is suddenly the biggest turn on ever and masks all bad things about him.

    Also he was clearly coked up when he thought of his plan to be your roommate. Only a drug addict doesn't feel the tension and awfulness of living with someone you hate. Moron.

    Anyway, awesome entry, I can't wait to read the rest of your blog!

  2. This is an amazing story! I am so glad you kicked this loser out. And I cannot believe he actually thought he could live there as your roommate and forced the 30 days notice rule on you. WTF! I've definitely hooked up with some terrible people during desperate times in my life, so i can totally relate. Hilarious post!