Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I just dumped someone. Now What?

Sometimes breaking up with someone can be just as difficult as being broken up with. ahahahahaha, that is a big fat lie. Let's face it. It's never as hard as getting dumped. But if you find yourself feeling a little guilty about shattering someone's heart in a kabillion little pieces, then here are a few things you should think about doing now.

10. Ask yourself if you actually broke up with the person or if you chose to just completely disappear and ignore them. This is not cool. Technically, I'm going on 20 years of dating by sixth grade boyfriend, because we never actually had a break up talk. He just ignored me. So, as far as I'm concerned, we're still together. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw-- "I think you can all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break up conversation, cause here's what-- avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy!" True dat, sistah! And I'm going to go out on a limb and say a text message, an email, and a phone call does not count. If you've been dating someone for more than two months, then you need to break up with them IN PERSON. Phone calls are only acceptable if you're doing long distance.

9. So, even if you do break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend in person, you are still the bad guy. Accept it. Don't fight it. Don't try to set the record straight on your Facebook page. Unless you're dumping someone for beating you or cheating on you, then just accept the fact that they are the victim and stop asking for sympathy or understanding.

8. Maybe there's a small part of you that just feels like the timing is off or that maybe someday down the road, you could really end up with this person. That's fine, but keep that shit to yourself. Hope after a break up is a terrible thing. If you give the person you're dumping even an inkling of it, then it'll be way harder for them to move on with anyone else. Seriously, we'll just assume that if we date anyone else it will permanently close the door of getting back together with you-- even when that door isn't really open in the first place.

7. Be honest. If there is someone else, tell us there's someone else. And if you stay friends with us and then eventually there's someone else...even if it has been years since our break up, you still need to tell us there's someone else. I tried to stay friends with a guy I dated who I was still totally infatuated with and when he disappeared, I actually let myself assume it was just because it was too hard for him to be friends with me. This was before the release of the book He's Just Not That Into You, so when I eventually discovered he disappeared because he fell in love with someone, I felt totally humiliated that I wasted months laying in bed, listening to sad music, while still wondering about him. Cause while I was squeezing my pillow and singing along to It Ain't Me by Bob Dylan, he was ejaculating into someone's vagina.

6. Do not even think about getting a haircut. You broke up with us! You don't get to change your look unless you decide to get a face tattoo or dip the lower half of your body into a vat of acid. Just consider not looking hot for a few months in case we run into you. You already hurt us once, if you get all attractive afterwards, it's epsom salt in the wound.

5. Consider having sex with us again. I know this might contradict #8, but a couple of my break ups were easier to get over after a little bit of reunion sex. The whole "yup, he still wants me" thing goes a long way.

4. New rule: if the reason you give for dumping someone is that you don't want to be in a relationship, then you have to wait at least six months before getting into a relationship with someone else. It's only fair.

3. Move. Far away. Like really far away. Like to Greenland. Which I guess if you're one of the 146 residents reading this in Ellesmere Island, then Greenland is not really far away enough. I know this might seem drastic, but considering you are going to live in the back of our minds for a very long time, it's just polite to at least keep some geographical distance from us. But don't move to the one place we've told you we've always wanted to live. If I'm obsessed with Paris and then you dump me and move to Paris, well then, you're truly a sick human being.

2. Apologize. I know it sounds trite, but just hearing someone say "I'm really sorry I hurt you" and actually meaning it, does help a little. When you've been dumped, all you want is for the person that hurt you to feel as much pain as you are feeling. And if you won't consider suddenly developing a self mutilation problem, well then, at least pretend like you feel really shitty about it. It sucks to feel like the person that's breaking up with you doesn't feel an iota of sadness over it.

1. Regret it. Regret it 'til the day you die. Actually, if you ever find yourself on your deathbed, just send letters to everyone you've ever dumped and pretend like you've regretted 'til the day you died. For an extra touch, include some song lyrics you've written about them. By the time the letter's received, you'll be dead so it ain't no big thing. And you'll get lots of people to visit your grave and throw their bodies on your tombstone and cry. But if you've dumped me and you send me one of those letters, be warned: I will just light a bunch of cigarettes even though I don't smoke, ash on your grave, then make a little flower bouquet out of cigarette butts. Then I'll dig up your corpse and be like "You don't look so hot now. I win! I win!"


  1. Also the next 3 (maybe 5) girls you date have to be like way crazier or way uglier.

    1. oh definitely, a guy i used to date is now with a girl that's 5'10, blonde, big boobs. Not cool. Not cool at all.

  2. that was so funny!i like it to the max.:D

  3. This is definitely one of my favorite top tens. Just got blown off via phone call after 4 months...let's sack up shall we?

  4. over the phone!? What a fucker. If you want to write about it, email us! Or if you just want to post an ugly picture of him and make a list of all the things you hated about him, we'll post that too. On to bigger and better things!