Thursday, March 1, 2012

I won the break up. So suck it.

I have to be honest. I've never really understood people that want the best for their exes and say things like "I love you, I want you to be happy" even after they've had their hearts broken. Are these people just taking the high road or are they totally full of crap? I'm more like "I hate you, I hope you end up homeless with a drug problem." No matter how nice and cordial you try to be through a break up, we're all thinking the same thing. My life better be way more awesome than his (or hers).

We all want to WIN the break up. As in, prove that we truly are better off without that person by: dating someone famous and hot, making millions of dollars, winning the nobel peace price, always having shiny and healthy hair, and never getting fat. You know there were at least a few Oscar winners last weekend who were thinking-- I hope that bitch that dumped me is watching. The people that screw you over are great motivators to make the most of your that when you do make the most of it, you can rub their faces in it.

Let's look at a few case studies.
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe. He cheated on her with Abbie Cornish and they got divorced. He's now got another kid out of wedlock. Was in the movie MacGruber. And turned down a primetime series, because it would be too much work. She's remarried to a hot agent. Is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood. Is still super hot. And I'm guessing will be pregnant in the next year. And the winner is: Reese. Duh.

Adele and that guy that inspired all her songs. Admittedly, I have no idea who he is. He could be working on the cure for cancer right now...BUT, she's got a hit record, a shitload of money and critical acclaim, a cute new boyfriend, and a bunch of Grammy's. I'm pretty sure she won that break up.

Barack Obama and anyone he dated before he became President. Uh. He's the leader of the free world. He totally wins all his break ups.

I feel pretty good about where I am in the competition of having a better life than my exes. For starters, I don't think there's any chance any of the guys I've dated have a dog as cute and lovable as mine. A hundred points for me. Also, my husband is way hotter, funnier, and smarter than any of the guys I dated. A 1,000 points for me. AND I was at dinner with my parents last weekend at P.F. Chang's and I totally got carded. A million points for me. It's still anyone's game, but I feel like I'm just going to keep winning. Sorry gentlemen, I can't be stopped.


  1. I had the extraordinary experience Sunday night of seeing an old friend stride across the Oscar stage, and then deciding not to tell his exgirlfriend when she showed up late.

  2. OMG! He won the break up. Seriously, if one of my exes wins an oscar, I will throw up all over myself. I'm sure she has youtubed it by now.

  3. I think you automatically win the breakup if your ex tries to sue you because you kick so much ass afterwards -

  4. These things can change, though. If Adele turns into Amy Winehouse, then...bam...her ex is winning again.