Wednesday, March 28, 2012

my ex-celebrity boyfriends and why I BLEW them OFF

One thing that bummed me out when I got married last year was realizing my childhood dreams of marrying my celebrity crush(es) would never come true. I would never be Mrs. Ethan Hawke. And I had to accept that. But truth be told, the celebs that I was totally infatuated with in my teen years are just not that cool anymore. They've lost their hotness. Their edge. Some of them are barely even in movies anymore. That little place in my heart that was once reserved for them has now been taken over by Ryan Gosling. Scratch that. Jennifer Lopez is more like it. Seriously, the H bomb thinks I'm a lesbian because I gush about how pretty she looks on American Idol every week.

So, here are the three celebrity crushes I've decided to BLOW OFF:


#1 Ethan Hawke
HOT

He was hands down my ultimate celebrity crush ever since he played the shy vulnerable kid in Dead Poets Society. And then what followed was Reality Bites which remains my favorite movie to this day. I even thought he looked sexy in Alive when he ate a dead person's butt. I essentially became an Ethan Hawke stalker. I named my goldfish after him. Thanks to my amazing cousin Mitra, I skipped school to go to his book signing in San Francisco. (My signed copy of The Hottest State is still one of my prized possessions.) Then, I saw him in person again my first trip to Sundance. And after I moved to NY, I would see him strolling the streets on a regular basis. It was true love. And now in LA, I occasionally see him at the gym. But it's just not the same. I don't love him the way I loved him when I was fifteen, listening to him read a chapter of his novel while Uma Thurman smiled in the wings. The guy hasn't been smoking hot since Great Expectations. So, what happened? What made Ethan Hawke less enticing.

NOT AS HOT

Well...he sort of never outgrew the grunge thing. And it turns out that he takes himself way too seriously. Sure, that was hot when I was a teenager, but now that I'm in my thirties, I need a guy that's got a sense of humor. But worst of all, he totally cheated on his wife while she was making Kill Bill, because she was too busy being a "movie star." Say it isn't so. Ethan Hawke is one of those guys that can't deal with being with a woman more successful than him? He loved Uma, but only when she was sitting in the wings of his books signings? If that wasn't bad enough, he married his kids' nanny, who unlike Uma, took his last name. My former literary love is nothing but a cliche. I saw his new wife at the gym once too and she looks like a shorter version of Uma Thurman. Which is another strike, because I just can't get behind men that only date blondes. Who am I kidding. I will always love Ethan.

#2 Christian Bale
STRANGELY HOT

I once met Christian Bale (also at Sundance) after my friends and I waited in line for hours to see American Psycho and couldn't get tickets. He was super charming and let us take a picture with him. Don't get me wrong, I still think he's a great actor, but I just don't know if I can ever look at him the same ever since that on set rant got leaked on the internet.


NOT AS HOT

Guys with tempers just don't do it for me. I feel like he's the kind of dude that goes ape shit on a cab driver if they take a wrong turn or doesn't tip a waiter if they accidentally bring him tap water. Also, even though he's hot as Batman, he was at his peak in American Psycho and that was forever ago.

#3 Jared Leto
HOT

What the fuck happened to Jared Leto? I mean, the guy got cast to play Jordan Catalono. The ultimate high school love interest. He was so dreamy then. Remember? Remember when he declared his love for Angela in front of the whole school by holding her hand? And then all of a sudden he turned into a really cheesy rock star in a band that's had maybe one hit song. No. No No. I just can't be sexually attracted to a straight guy that wears eye-liner in a decade that's not the 1980s. Plus, he even dated an Olsen twin. At least Christian Bale is still hot. Jared looks like Stefan from Saturday Night Live.

NOT HOT AT ALL

To be fair, he looks a lot better than that these days, but who cares. I will never be able to wipe the image of the above photo from my mind.

So, I guess at the end of the day, it's a good thing I didn't end up with any of these guys. They've all lost a little bit of the hotness they had in the nineties. And they've all been knocked out of my top five. What about you readers? Any huge celebrity crushes from your childhood that you've since BLOWN OFF? Comment below.

Memories....

3 comments:

  1. this is too much because I JUST had a dream about Hanson last night and Zac Hanson totally was in love with me.

    i had to blow off Zac Hanson when HE got married though - which totally freaked me out because we were like 20 years old. now he has like 10 kids and his poor wife raises them in Tulsa, OK...so... better her than me!

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  2. I saw them once in NYC, I think it was the day of the big black out, she was holding their baby and they looked miserable. I'm surprised they haven't gotten a reality show yet.

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    1. i'm not going to lie. i just nearly died of jealousy.

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