Thursday, April 26, 2012

BLOWING OFF my inner Groucho Marx

Before I found MY GUY, I was perpetually attracted to unavailable men who treated me like yesterday's news. I actually don't blame any of them, because for a long time I didn't believe I deserved better. I made a habit of choosing dudes who blew me off in a variety of lame ways -- one of the worst being the time I walked in on one such loser while he was making out with another girl at a party he had invited me to. Did this even stop him? No! They continued to suck face right in front of my eyes even though the night before he'd professed his feelings and promised to show me just how much he cared. Uh, he showed me. His excuse for this humiliating betrayal? He was getting in too deep and needed something more casual -- with someone else.

For months I let myself feel victimized by the situation until a wise friend and mentor named Katherine Woodward Thomas helped me come to a very powerful realization -- life happens through us, not just to us. It was time to wake up to all the ways in which I blew myself off just like the emotionally immature boys I kept choosing at the lousy boyfriend buffet.

Most of my life I had felt like Groucho Marx -- I never wanted to belong to a club that would have me as a member. Since childhood, I was always more interested in proving my worth to the types of people who would never really be able to see it instead of those who would readily accept me. Most clearly -- myself. I was constantly obsessed with my myriad of shortcomings so if I felt a man liked me too much, I would diss him for being pathetic or needy or just plain weird. It never occurred to me that people who naturally liked me might just be the audience I was looking for. Sure, I can go back and explain to you in hindsight where I learned such dysfunctional behavior, but how I unlearned it is way more important.

I decided the best way to prevent more BLOW OFFs was to make an oath to myself; I would learn to honor my own value and keep my distance from any man I felt less than around. In the beginning, this was a tall order, because it meant that any time I felt butterflies for a cute guy I had to turn and walk away. That's because butterflies for me equated putting too much attention on him and leaving my sense of self worth behind. Any hottie with an charming personality who made my eyes widen also made my insecurities run rampant and my inner-pleaser jump into overdrive. I had to re-learn how to be comfortable and confident in my own skin and to choose men that didn't make me want to abandon the ship of my own needs for the ocean liner of theirs.

When I was finally ready to open up to true love, I had to look no further than two feet away - because he ended up being a British Bloke I'd already known for two years. Silly me had just never noticed him in that way before. Not because he wasn't dashing or brilliant - in fact he's both. He just wasn't sparkly about it. Before Tom, I had gotten so used to seeking out sparkly guys because I had been denying my own inner sparkly side. He was a friend of some friends whom I had spent loads of time around but never gotten to know because my butterflies didn't make an appearance when he was in the room. I felt totally comfortable to be sparkly and even MORE myself in his presence - something I never realized was a sign of a good match. When we started spending quality time together, I started to enjoy how easy it was to be honest and open with a man without fear of his judgment or anger or potential disinterest. And after five years of being a couple, I can honestly say that I'm grateful to have gotten blown off enough times to propel me into a a serious investigation of my own bad behavior, because doing so has finally liberated me from my bad boyfriend pattern and brought me the love I've always been dreaming of.

Today, I am a happily coupled Bird in love with a Bloke who is smart, funny, sexy, loving, considerate, thoughtful, and my very best friend. Wow. All it took was a vow to become my own best friend so I could attract in a love of the same caliber. 

So peeps -- the next time you're crying your eyes out after getting BLOWN OFF, take a moment to think about all the ways in which you've been blowing yourself off. Then make a vow to become your own best partner in crime. You might find yourself having such a good time that life finally has the opportunity to steer your attention to the mirror of your heart's content. Trust me, he's well worth the journey.

Jen Kleiner is an award winning filmmaker, stylist, life coach & creative consultant. You can learn more about her work at


  1. Love this post! I have been a fan of this site for like...everrrr + something really spoke to me in this piece! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that + wish you many many years of happiness with your Bloke! Ox

  2. LOVE THIS POST. Made me genuinely smile! Thank you!!!

  3. Such a great post and so inspiring and wise. love you jen kliener and your bloke too! and i would totally be a member of your blog!

  4. um, wtf-- i meant Kleiner. and a member of your club. i was typing that comment while packing. Also, wanted to add that i totally agree with the the feelings you had for your bloke. I think people expect fireworks and super duper intensity, but when i met the guy for me, it was just easy and comfortable and anxiety-free.

  5. lastly, thanks tiffany for reading. xoxo

  6. Thank you guys so much! xx

  7. I love this post so much! I'm so inspired by it and there's so much in it that I needed to be reminded of. Excellent post.

  8. I love ur blog. Great post.