Thursday, April 19, 2012

Still obsessed with the ex BLOW OFF

When it came to my single days, there were two categories I usually fell into. The first was the little sister category. That's when a guy sees me as cute and witty and a really good friend, but not someone he would want to have sex with, because that would be like having sex with his sister. The second category: the rebound. That's when the guy is still completely obsessed with the last person he dated and decides that I would be a good buffer to help get them over that person. And that getting involved with me is a low risk endeavor, because they would never be interested in anything long term.

Sadly, I didn't have this much awareness when I was actually in my twenties and dating these guys. Instead, I convinced myself that these dudes were SO happy things didn't work out with that lame other girl, because otherwise they would have never gotten a chance to be with ME!

I think the first guy I really experienced this with was Jewish Asian Fetish boy. He had been dumped by his Chinese girlfriend about six months before he met me. At first, he didn't really want to talk about her. Which is a really bad sign. That means they are still so in love it's still too painful for them to even discuss the break up. Then, he started talking about her a little too much. And then, I became way too familiar with her Friendster page. I would force all my friends to look through her pictures and tell me I was prettier than her. Even though she had cute bangs, no hips, and wore very stylish sweaters. Pretty soon, I felt like we were in a full fledged love triangle: him, me, her Friendster page. By the way, did I mention I only dated this guy for a month? I have a gift for making short-lived, fairly insignificant relationships seem like they were epic mini-series on PBS kind of romances. It's all for the sake of this blog.

Okay, the next rebound. Beware of the guy who ended his previous relationship purely based on circumstance. Like, if he and his ex called it quits, because they lived in two different states, then he's basically going to love her for the rest of his life. She's unattainable. You can't compete with unattainable. This is why I could only half-love the movie Like Crazy, because I related to Jennifer Lawrence's character more than Felicity Jones. So, me and Mr. Circumstance are in bed and I make the amateur mistake of asking him if he still stays in touch with the ex. He says: no, because SHE'S in love with SOMEONE ELSE which he knew would happen because SHE'S SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON. Oh, hell no. You're spooning me and you're telling me the only reason you don't talk to the girl is because she's in love with someone else (translation: you are not.) I swear, the guy was practically weeping when he told me this. But don't feel bad for him, he married that girl.

I'm sure there are many more guys that closed their eyes and pretended they were with someone else, while making out with me, but these are the two I'm certain about. What about you, readers? Ever date someone still totally hung up on their ex? Comment below!


  1. First of all, The Denise Show is the best thing to ever happen to SNL besides Celebrity Jeopardy. Secondly, it's also bad when you've been with a guy a little bit and you think it's getting serious so you kind of broach the fact that he probably had a relationship before you and he's like "I don't see why that's important." RED FLAG.

  2. if they don't want to talk about their ex-girlfriends at all, then chances are-- they murdered them. Also, film girl-- can you please get adam sandler to do a Denise movie?