Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

Back me up on this-- we just watched two hours of the MOST BORING episode of The Bachelorette ever.  I'm pissed.  I'm pissed at ABC.  I'm pissed at North Carolina.  And I'm pissed at Emily Maynard for having the personality of a deflated Mylar balloon.  Most of all, I'm pissed at Little Ricki.  But not Chris Harrison, because he's going through a divorce.  This season better have some surprises.  Like, I want a Big Ricky hologram to show up at the next rose ceremony.

Anyway, the show starts with some stupid local newscast about how all of Charlotte is hoping Queen Emily of the Carolinas finds her one true love.  I'm thinking maybe the town is under some sort of spell and it can only be broken if Emily finds love and that's why these people care so much about her. 

My ice cold heart does warm up a little bit when we see Emily hanging out with all her mom friends.  No wonder she thinks Jef with one F is a 21st century Marty McFly.  Her crew is a bunch of dorky chubby moms.  I was also pretty shocked that she had a brown friend.  The jury is still out, because that woman didn't say a single thing so she might have come straight from central casting. 

I took a quick cat nap when Chris Harrison showed up at the house to explain the rules of the show to the remaining contestants.  So, unfortunately, since I missed this scene I was completely lost for the next two hours.  Wait, what does it mean when someone gets a rose?  What the hell is a one on one date?  Is this a dream within a dream within a dream?  Did Emily do inception to Chris Harrison's brain? 

One of my top favorite parts of this episode is when the first date card arrives and one of the bachelors says "Guys.  It just got real."  Um, things get real when people die or when someone gets in a car accident or when someone has a baby.  NOT when a date card arrives. 

The first one on one date goes to Ryan and he's fired up.  He starts quoting his pastor to all the dudes.  I think he's confused.  Ryan: this isn't American Idol.  America does not get to vote for you.   God talk when Emily isn't present isn't going to get you anywhere.  Weren't you listening when Chris Harrison explained the rules?

The absolute best part of the date card arrival is the inevitable jealousy that consumes the house.  There are always about three guys that act like they need to take a razor blade to their inner-thighs so that the pain will make them forget someone else is spending the day with Emily.

I would now like to interrupt this post to send a message to ABC: the gratuitous waxed chest shots and the douchey tattoo shots did nothing for me.  Sure, it's nice to see men objectified for once, but the last time I was this traumatized by bare chests it was at the Olympic Gardens in Vegas. 

Emily arrives to pick up Ryan and it's revealed that it's the morning after the rose ceremony.   Seriously?  For some reason, I always assume a week goes by between episodes.  Em gushes about how hot she thinks Ryan is and I just don't see it.  Maybe it's because his neck is the size of a fat thigh on a toilet seat, maybe it's the roids, maybe it's the Criss Angel hair.  I can't put my finger on it, but something is missing.  Ryan gets the worst date ever in the history of the bachelor franchise, because he gets to go to Emily's house and help her bake cookies for Little Ricki's soccer game.  This got on my nerves for a few different reasons.  First of all, it was boring as all hell to watch.  Second, there were no helicopters involved.  Third, you know if this was really a day in the life for Emily, she would just stop at the grocery story and buy Little Ricki a box of Chips Ahoy.  Fourth, I respect Em for wanting to have some mundane dates, but did I mention it was as boring as hell to watch?  Fifth, I don't think Ryan eats carbs or sugar.  I also just think it's wrong for Ryan to even be in the car when Emily goes to the soccer field to drop off the cookies.  Poor Little Ricki is going to be in therapy in twenty years sorting through the time her mom had twenty boyfriends. 

The bake off wasn't even the worst part of this date.  The worst part was when Ryan and Emily go out to dinner and there's-- no joke-- a massive number of Charlotte residents taking pictures of them with their phones and lining the red carpet.  I am so confused!  Am I supposed to think Emily is just a normal mom or am I supposed to think she's the Duchess of Wales?!  Ryan makes a rookie mistake at dinner with Emily by basically admitting that he just loves to chase women.  And he asks her whether she likes to run so he can chase her or something.  Hmmmm.  That sounds like something a rapist would say.  Also, I'm pretty sure Ryan is going to make a lot of sports analogies through the season.  I do give him props for asking Emiliy some solid dating questions, which ultimately gets him a rose.   After dinner, they go outside to greet their fans and then slow dance to some song by some redneck band I have never heard of.  (Side note: the lead singer was hot though, right?  Em should be with him!)

All in all, I think Ryan and Emily have chemistry-- especially when their southern twangs come out. But I think this sequence really hurt the town of Charlotte, NC.  It made them look like a bunch of losers.  They might as well have been holding signs that said "Charlotte: where people from big cities travel to conduct focus groups."  Side note, I did not like Emily's stripper outfit during the dinner and her lips are looking a little too Lohan for my taste. 

At this point in the episode, I start having a panic attack that my puppy slipped some LSD in my water, because suddenly the Muppets appear.  WTF.  How dare they go on the Bachelorette when they're not even promoting a movie?!  Someone please explain this to me.  Does ABC think moms are going to be watching the show with their kids?  The group date guys are told they are going to put on a show to help raise money for the local children's hospital (which is funded by Big Ricky's parents).  Party MC is super excited, because apparently it's been his dream to perform with Kermit the Frog.  I'm starting to warm up to him.  I like his goofy smile and his terrible outfit-- crooked page boy hat?  Sweater around his shoulders?  I'm also starting to wonder if he's actually Harry Connick, Jr in a douche disguise. 

The big conflict in the group date is that Brain Damaged Charlie is terrified of performing, because he's still getting his speech back.  He's really stressed out and he has to confess all to Emily and ask if he can back out of the stand up comedy portion of the performance.  Em is super sweet about it, but I've got a feeling Charlie is totally that guy who uses brain damage as an excuse for everything.  Like: sorry guys, can someone else drive?  I've got brain damage. 

I don't even know where to start with his whole Muppets charity performance except to say that Kermit and Piggy are going to need to do some serious damage control after this episode.  There's some terrible song and dance number where Emily just stands there and moves her hips from side to side while the guys dance around her.  The stand up comedy is painful.  At least Charlie's brain doesn't explode when he's interviewed by Miss Piggy.  Poor Little Ricki has to endure it all from the audience.  Again, it's too soon for her to be on camera.  I'm sorry, but I do think that reflects poorly on Em as a mom.  Little Ricki gets on stage to sing a song with Emily and neither of them really sings.  Emily announces that they raised $20,000 for the children's hospital.  AKA Big Ricky's parents wrote a check. 

At the cocktail party portion of the night, Emily shows more of her shallow side by telling Chris how hot he is.  She has weird taste.  I think Chris is cute, but hot?  nuh-uh.  One of the greatest mysteries of the world is how into Jef she is.  She actually gets all needy/insecure girl on him.  I will admit, he's kind of growing on me, but she sort of looks like a cougar next to him.  I think he's as confused and shocked as we all are that she likes him.  And even though Charlie got over brain damage for her, Jef gets the group date rose. 

I sort of like Kalon, because he looks like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.  I get the feeling that he has some secret dark pit in this apartment where he keeps his ex-girlfriends.  I bet he even has a red room of pain.  He and Party MC have some words and for some reason I want to give Party MC a big hug and tell him it's okay.  He may be kind of douchey, but he also seems like a sweetie. 

In a shocking turn of events, Joe ("EMILY!") gets the next one on one date.  I'm a little confused that it didn't go to someone like Arie (the race car driver) or Sean (Aryan nation).  But Emily has weird taste and says she thinks Joe looks like Matthew McCounaghey.  I was gonna go with James Van Der Beek's third cousin, but okay.  Joe gets to board a private jet to go to...West Virginia.  The fuck.  I'm longing for Ben F's season where they went to places like San Francisco and Sonoma.   I'll admit, I kind of like Emily's gold dress.  Her wardrobe has had some off moments, but so far she's much more fashionable than Ashley Perfackt Cupcake.  She takes Joe to the Greenbrier, some fancy hotel that she loved to go to as a kid.  They go for a swim and even though Emily has a great figure-- especially for someone who's had a kid, she doesn't have the body of a 26 year old.  Maybe it's from being a tanorexic, but her stomach is a little on the leathery side.

SO.  Here's where I need to call bull shit.  Even though I think Joe is a little on the dorky side, he's taking this cheesy hotel thing in stride and he even tells Emily she looks pretty in her bright pink prom dress.  He doesn't say that he wants to get married or have kids right away, which I'm guessing means he's for real, because that's not really a good strategy to play.  After realizing he probably answered all of Emily's questions wrong, Emily introduces Joe to the love cock.  I mean, the love clock.  Basically, lovers put little notes in the clock hoping their relationship stands the test of time.  Whatever, it's kind of romantic BUT after Joe puts in some super sweet note about taking care of Emily and bringing Little Ricki here for a make over and a mani/pedi, she DUMPS HIM.

If you've watched this show before, getting dumped on a one on one date is probably the most humiliating way to go out.  Think about it.  What if someone asked you to go home in the middle of a date?  And usually, the person that endures this kind of humiliation doesn't get the boot until later in the season, after going to a couple cool places and making lifelong friends with some of the guys.  Obviously, the producers knew this episode was going to be a snoozefest so they needed to do something exciting and asked Emily to pick the guy she would feel the least bad about kicking to the curb.  Also, Emily keeps saying how she wants something more real-- not just someone she can laugh and go swimming with.  Uh, it's not like it was Joe's idea to go swimming.  It was the effing producers.  They ruin everything!  I feel bad for Joe.  He didn't even get an exit interview to say how dumb the show is and that he almost fell asleep and drowned while swimming, because Emily is beyond boring.

I almost forgot!  Back at the house,  some lame drama gets stirred up when Kalon makes a comment about how Doug put being a dad on hold to come on the bachelorette.  Doug totally flips out on him, then asks whether he thinks Emily put being a mom on hold to be on the show.  Yes and Yes.  Okay, I'm totally Team Kalon in this situation.   Doug spins some story about how he's devoted his whole life to his kid after he found out at 20 that he was going to be a dad and that he only came here, because his son wanted him to.  Look.  I'm all for parents doing things for themselves and not giving up everything last part of their lives to their kids, but that does not include coming on a terrible reality show and competing against 25 other guys for a girl.  How do you think Doug, Jr is gonna feel when he finds out there's this thing that exists called online dating and that you don't have to go on TV to find love?  Spending time away from your child to come on The Bachelorette does make you kind of a bad dad.  Especially when you're whoring your kid out every chance you get for a rose.  I bet Doug's kid wanted him to go because he thinks his dad is lame and annoying and he wanted to get away from him. 

Before we get to the cocktail party and the rose ceremony, I just have to say that I love how they always show Emily getting ready at her house, in front of her own vanity.  Are we really supposed to believe that she does her own hair and make up, while Little Ricki sits on her lap?  HELL NO.  You better believe there's hair and make up there at all times! 

Okay, cocktail party time.  Here are the highlights.  Emily really likes Arie, because she says he makes her nervous.  I think he's got a pretty good shot of sticking around.  At least 'til a hometown visit.  It turns out at the cocktail party that Ryan is a douche loser and that Emily should have never given him a rose.  He wrote her a seven page letter (with words scribbled out all over the place, because he can't spell) and insisted that she read it aloud to him.  That's not even the worst part.  Poor Tony (AKA lumber and plywood savant) has to stand in the corner and wait for her to finish reading the letter before he can talk to her.  This was so incredibly awkward.  Ryan's dumb.  He should have totally saved that letter for next week when he didn't have a rose yet!  He totally blew his wad.

Meanwhile, Tony is super anxious to talk to Emily, because she doesn't know that he's a dad yet and that's pretty much his best shot at getting a rose tonight.  When he brings up his son, Emily seems all kinds of annoyed, because now she can't send him home.  I do give him a little bit of credit for not telling Emily what a great brother his kid would be to little Ricki on night #1.  Emily is also really into Kalon, even though I think he's a little gay and might dance in front of the mirror with his penis tucked between his legs every so often.  What this show is missing is someone like Bentley to throw out more zingers.  At least we have The Wolf who delivers the best line of the night about Kalon:  If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a dude, you're an asshole.  BURN!

Chris Harrison arrives to put in his five minutes and announces it's time for the rose ceremony.  Just when I thought this show couldn't get worse, Emily sends Aaron (AKA older Ryan Gosling) home.  What the fuck is wrong with this girl?  He was the closest thing to eye candy on the show with his non-prescription black rimmed glasses and now he's gone?  I can't say I'm surprised about Kyle getting the boot, but Aaron?  My heart is broken.   I mean, she gave a rose to PARTY MC.

Side note: Where the hell was the ostrich egg in this episode?  If the final rose episode doesn't end with Emily setting herself on fire and a baby dragon popping out of that egg, there will be hell to pay. 


3 comments:

  1. ok so i was surfing the internet for a person to have at least MENTIONED some of my own reactions about not only the episode...but what is to come of this season...I couldnt have said anything better myself...so props for touching on just about every lame part of the episode and making it funny...It was more entertaining to read your re-cap than it was to watch... WTF why the hell are the Muppets on the BACHLORETTE...guys are suppose to be getting drunk and so forth... o geez... I dont know that I will have the same anticipation that i normally do on Monday nights... HO HUM ... Thanks for the article!

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  2. I love you! Thanks for reading, so glad you found our recaps! We will be posting them every wednesday, so please come back! And yes, bring on the drunk guys!

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  3. Love your run downs of how boring Emily is - I completely agree! I'll be back weekly to laugh more about each episode! - BG

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