Wednesday, May 30, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

This week's episode opens with Emily's slave, I mean her mom, bringing her breakfast in bed.  Em is super tired, because it's SO hard being the Bachelorette.  The best part of this scene is that Little Ricki didn't want to have anything to do with the cameras or her mom.  Oh, how I hope she turns out to be some sort of an omen child that kills her future stepdad with an ice pick.

Once again, we are subjected to Chris Harrison arriving at the bachelor mansion to explain the rules of the game to the guys and the audience.  I honestly think Chris Harrison should be on suicide watch for 48 hours after he delivers this info.  Although, then again, this show takes up two hours of my life per week and it probably only takes up three minutes of Harrison's and he gets paid hundreds of thousands of dollars.  So...I guess I'm the sucker here.   He hasn't even done a recap interview with Emily since the first episode!

Chris gets the first one on one date of the episode.  He's looking pretty fly in a white V-neck, but sometimes I feel like his face kind of resembles a penis.  There's a really awkward transition where we cut to Emily and Chris walking through downtown Charlotte.  Oh, hell no.  Where's the scene of Emily coming to pick Chris up and all the guys talking about how pretty she is and how they wish they were the ones going out with her, but they're stuck hanging out with a bunch of dudes?  I demand to see it! 

Anyway.  Emily and Chris make a cute couple and we get to hear one of my favorite classic Bachelor franchise date lines..."I've got a little bit of a surprise for you."  Basically, the surprise is that Chris and Em are going to scale the wall of some building to have dinner on the roof, even though there's a storm brewing.  The sad pathetic town of Charlotte gathers at the bottom of the building to take pictures and scream "I love you" at Queen Emily of the Carolinas.  Chris tells Emily that she looks hot in a harness, which just tells me he is into some dirty, kinky, S & M boning.  I know he's handsome, but is Emily prepared to spend her nights dressed as the gimp from Pulp Fiction?

Chris (AKA the producers) give us some really terrible love metaphor about how falling in love is just like scaling a building, cause you start at the bottom and work your way up.  Um, I don't get it.  Emily starts acting like a total freak as they're climbing the wall-- her voice gets all high pitched and she starts panicking.  If only Little Ricki were here to slap the shit out of her.  Sadly, they do not plummet to their deaths.  Instead they make it to the top of the building. 

Here's the thing with Chris.  He's cute, but he works in sales which means there's about a 93% chance he has some sort of sexually transmitted disease.  Also, he seems a bit overeager.  I get a major Emily fan vibe from him.  I'm pretty sure if we went into his bedroom there would be one of those creepy shrines with hundreds of pics of the two of them, only his face would be on Brad Womack's body.  Regardless, Emily seems really into Chris until she discovers that he's 25.  She claims that she's always dated guys older than her, but let's be honest here.  If Emily was 26, then dating a guy a year younger should not bother her this much.  Further proof that she is actually in her early sixties.  I love how Chris tells her he's ready to be a dad, because he left home at 17 to go to school.  Um, you mean going away to college like most high school graduates?  That does not count as some major hardship. 

After dinner, Emily and Chris dance during another live concert from a douchey country music group.  Did you guys listen to the lyrics of this song?  "You make my speakers go boom boom."  Oh, how I wish this was the theme song of the season.  Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her which I know lots of girls think is a turn off, but I personally think it pales in comparison to say, a guy that has nipples on his ball sac (google it, just kidding, I made it up).  They make out and I think Chris getting a fantasy suite date card is pretty much a sure thing. 

Group date time.  The guys look like they are about to cream themselves when they arrive at the park and see that Emily is holding a football.  They think they're going to play football all day, but Emily has something else in store for them.  Maniacal laugh.  Maniacal laugh.  It turns out the mom posse is back and they are going to interview Emily's boys.  I would like to take this moment to acknowledge that Emily was dressed like a straight up ho during this group date.  I'm pretty sure I could see her cervix through those tiny blue cut offs. 

Luckily for Emily, the mom posse is going to figure out whether these guys are here for the right reasons.  Do not be fooled by their Ross Dress for Less get ups, these bitches are all kinds of fun.  I especially love Wendy who might be a little drunk and who makes Sean take his shirt off (hubba-hubba) and do push-ups while she sits on him.  If I were the producers of this show, this is where I would halt production, fire Emily, force Wendy to leave her kids and divorce her husband, and be the next bachelorette.

Of all the guys, Sean probably impresses her friends the most, and now I feel like a dumb ass for not keeping him on my bachelorette bracket longer!  How could I neglect the whitest contestant of the bunch?! We don't get to see this 'til after the closing credits, but Alessandro AKA Gypsy King tells her friends that he's dated his cousin-- which no judgment, I am Persian after all, but we don't advertise that shit on TV--- that he's cheated on a girl (his cousin) and that he's basically not ready to have a goldfish, let alone a six year old daughter.  PLEASE ABC, MAKE HIM THE NEXT BACHELOR AND MAKE ALL THE CONTESTANTS HIS COUSINS.

As if this date couldn't get any worse, the guys are now forced to play with a bunch of kids. The part that was most annoying about this sequence was that none of the guys got physically violent with any of the kids and no one tried to inappropriately touch a child.  Not that I would want to see that, but that would be a super hot cross-over if Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator showed up and then tried to take over Chris Harrison's job. 

The cocktail party is pretty much a snooze fest like this entire season.  Tony fake cries over his son and how much he misses him.  Was anyone else a little creeped out by how high pitched his voice would get every time he was on the phone with his kid?  Emily decides to take Tony out of his misery, by dumping his ass and basically telling him there's no chance in hell that he's getting the final rose so he might as well go home and revisit his love affair with lumber and plywood.   Doug, who is still reading his How to Win the Final Rose playbook, apparently got to the "make up a sob story" chapter, because he spins some tale about how his mom left his family and his dad died and him and his sister grew up in foster care, blah blah blah.  I think this guy is a pathological liar.  I want some proof.  I think Chris Harrison and Chris Hansen should dig up his dad's grave to tell us if there's really anything in there.

Back at the house, Arie gets the next one on one date.  Cue the jealousy music.  Kalon is pissed that he didn't get a date this episode.  Nate looks like he doesn't even know where he is.  I'm pretty disappointed in Nate.  He's cute, but he's had no screen time which means he probably doesn't get very far this season.  Maybe he's even the one that calls Little Ricki baggage.  If I were the guys, I'd watch out,  I wouldn't be surprised if Little Ricki shows up at the house in a prom dress and goes Carrie on everyone's ass. 

Needless to say, Sean and his perfectly waxed chest get the group date rose.  I would now like to use this opportunity to laugh at ABC.  hahahahaha.  Seriously.  Joke is on you, ABC.  You guys bent over backwards to accommodate Emily and to woo her into becoming the Bachelorette and it never occurred to you that she would be the most boring person on earth to watch?  Did you see her on Brad's season?  Damn.  Bring on KCB.  Hell, I'd watch Cupcake all over again. 

Arie gets the best date in the history of the bachelor franchise, because he gets to go to...wait for it...DOLLYWOOD!  I am not kidding.  I freaking love Dolly Parton.  In fact, I almost cut a bitch at her concert at the Hollywood Bowl when the girl next to me was trying to sing along to I Will Always Love You.  Going to Dollywood has always been a dream of mine.  We have to sit through a tedious segment of Arie and Emily going on rollercoasters, Emily getting scared, Arie telling her to look at him to not be scared, and so on and so forth.

Ugh, let's just get to the surprise Dolly Parton appearance.  It pains me to admit this, but Emily's love for Dolly Parton does make me like her a little more.  Although, I'm very disappointed in Dolly for writing a song for the whole Bachelorette franchise.  I'm sure the song took her thirty seconds to write and ABC paid her a lot of money and she's getting a ton of Dollywood product placement, but still.  This is beneath her.  Em keeps saying "I could die, I could die, I could die" over and over again.  I love how Arie keeps trying to look at her, while they slow dance, but Em keeps staring at Dolly Parton.  Emily also says that this is the best moment of her life.  Awwww shit, wait 'til Little Ricki hears that.  She's totally going to put iodine in mommy's lipstick. 

Dolly gives Emily advice about being the bachelorette and now I'm wishing that ABC halts production, fires Emily on the spot, forces Dolly to divorce her husband of 47 years, and makes her the new bachelorette.

Time for the dinner portion of the date.  I think Emily actually does like Arie, because she acts super stiff and awkward around him.  Arie tells her that he lived with a woman that had kids and for some reason Em seems appalled by this.  She does say that she welcomes having a man in her life that travels a lot like Arie does for his job, as long as he calls her from the road.  This is starting to get a little Vertigo-ish for me.  I would not be surprised if Emily makes Arie dye his hair blond and then changes his name to Ricky.  In a failed attempt to prove she has a sense of humor, Em tries to pretend like she's not going to give Arie a rose, but of course she does.  They make out on a carousel and the show does some ridiculous weird slo-mo thing as they kiss.  I take this as a sign that Arie is going to get very far in this competition.  Do you really think the editors would put in the extra time to add an effect for a guy like Party MC or Alejandro?  I don't think so. 

Cocktail party time.  Once again, Emily gets ready in the bathroom with the help of Little Ricki.  She arrives at the house wearing some slinky gold number and apparently black are just some of the highlights from the evening.  Emily has an awkward conversation with Kalon who basically tells her to shut the fuck up and looks like he's trying to refrain himself from clocking her in the face.  This guy is getting creepier and creepier.  Back me up on this, he has totally murdered someone.  Maybe it was an accident, but you know his parents put in some calls to cover it up.  I like that Em has a little trailer park in her when she gets all pissed off about the way he talked to her.  We need to see more of the tough broad act to make this show more interesting than watching a pimple heal in real time.  Emily gets Travis to part with his egg (also known as Shelly).  What a waste. First off, no baby dragons came out.  Second, they could have at least made a really big omelet.  And then of course, there's the super weird conversation between Alessandro and Emily that gets him immediately kicked off the show.  I do feel like something got lost in translation and that Alessandro secretly wanted to go home, because he in not so many words asks if it's too late to abort Little Ricki.  Emily is so upset by this conversation that she hides in the hallway and makes out with Arie, while the other guys spy on them and go outside and console themselves with a circle jerk.   

Sean definitely won the breakout performance of this episode, because he made the most genuine play for why he'd make a good father.  He says if he ended up with Emily, Little Ricki would be his daughter.  I'm not gonna lie, I teared up a little bit.   I think this guy just snagged himself a hometown date. 

The most devastating part of this episode was that Stevie, AKA Party MC, AKA the Scenario, AKA douchey Harry Connick Jr in disguise did not receive a rose.  We'll miss you Stevie.  But I have a feeling we'll be seeing you on The Bachelor Pad. 

Until next week, y'all!

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