Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode one

I think we can all agree the best part of the new season of The Bachelorette is the graphic of Emily holding little Ricki in her arms in a field.  I'm pretty sure we can also agree on the Emily Maynard drinking games for this season. Chug when anyone says:

Little Ricki
Plane Crash
Single Mom

The season premiere starts with Emily, in full hair and make up, spending quality time with her daughter Ricki. They feed ducks, talk about how thankful they are for love, make pancakes, and even do the school pick up. We get it. Emily is the perfect mom. And she's LONELY. Because she lives in this quiet empty house. Someone please give this woman a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, stat.

Here's my overall feeling on Emily. She seems like a genuinely lovely person. No, for reals. And even though she wears too much make up and is about ten years away from looking like one of the cast members of Real Housewives of Orange County, she does seem like a really nice person who went through a terrible tragedy. But she's SO BORING. Seriously, even Little Ricki seems bored to tears most of the time.

Anyway, we get a little recap of Em's back story. The plane crash. The pregnancy. Brad Womack. Then we get a bunch of shots of her standing around Charlotte all pensive. Then she goes horseback riding to clear her mind. Emily is super duper ready to fall in love and get married. Here's a quote: "you gotta just put on your big girl panties and move along with it." Say what? What are big girl panties? Grannies? Thongs? Edible undies? Someone please tell me now.

Since ABC has a huge hard on for Emily, this season begins in her hometown of Charlotte, NC. Yet somehow, they've found a house that looks just as cheesy and tacky as the Bachelor abode in the valley.  What's with all the soft colored lights?  And why does this house still smell like STDS?

Okay, let's meet the guys.

Kalon: he wears tight-fitting suits, he's from Houston, TX, he's a luxury brand consultant. He's pretty hot, but I'm getting a slight Patrick Bateman gay vibe from him. I just can't see him reading Little Ricki bedtime stories. He says he used to be a womanizer, but he's done a lot of "self-reflecting" (AKA he got herpes) and now he wants to settle down.

Ryan: He played eight years of pro-football and now he's a trainer. He works with kids. Cute. His neck is wider than his head and his hairstyle is a little too Siegfried & Roy for my taste.

Tony: At first we (my bachelorette watching posse) were like, ewww when we saw Tony and his greasy face and his love of lumber and plywood, but when he said he was a dad, there was a communal awww in the room. He's got a five year old son and they like to eat snow together. WTF. Why are single dads so freaking hot? And then he does the "what has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily?" (pointing to himself) "this guy." It's ruined. The hotness is ruined, just like that.

Lerone: Wait a second I'm so confused. Is he BLACK? Is there an actual BLACK MAN on The Bachelor? And he's pretty cute. He's totally not getting a rose. Let's be real folks, when Emily says she wants to find a dad for little Ricki, she wants to find a white blonde guy.

David: the singer/songwriter from New York City. At first, David looks like he's a pretty cute normal guy and then he starts talking about how songwriting comes naturally to him. He sings the most terrible song I've ever heard which basically consists of the lyrics "emily, emily, emily." It kind of reminds me of the song Woody sings in Cheers. Remember: kelly, kelly, kelly, kelly. But that song was WAY better. Come on, what does this guy really do for a living? He has to be a waiter. These dudes should be required to list their actual occupations, not their freaking pipe dreams.

Charlie: I just love this guy. I'm a sucker for a tragic story and this guy fell off a freaking balcony and got brain damage. It's really cute when he says he may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with his heart. I really like Charlie for Emily. I think they are a good fit. She doesn't seem all that bright and he has brain damage. They are perfect for each other!

Jef: Don't even get me started on Jef with one F. He totally looks like he belongs in the band One Direction. I can get behind the whole CEO of a water charity thing, but the whole skateboarding thing is a little too Marty McFly in Back to the Future for me.

Arie: Of course. The race car driver. Classic shameless ABC move. As we all know, Emily's dead baby daddy was a race car driver. Arie claims he's definitely nervous to tell her what he does for a living, but I secretly think he knows this is going to give him a leg up.  No way production would get rid of this guy the first night. 

Little Ricki helps Emily get ready for her gang bang and our hearts are supposed to be touched by this warm mother/daughter moment. I'll admit, it's sweet. But does anyone else wish Little Ricki was cuter? There's something about her that I find off-putting. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's a robot.

Emily arrives at the new bachelorette house and is greeted by Chris Harrison. They keep looking at each other and saying things like "wow" and "weird" and "golly." Chris pretends like he's as astonished by the whole thing as Emily is. Why is she acting all weirded out by this? We all know she was hoping she'd be the Bachelorette the second she applied for Brad Womack's season. I'm willing to bet she was PISSED he proposed to her, because he robbed her of the chance to be the lead in her very own franchise.

I try to get past Emily's botoxed face and collagen lips, but it's not easy. I finally manage to do it and listen as Emily talks about being "the bachelorette" like it's the equivalent of being POTUS. Child, please. Miss America has way more responsibilities. Harrison asks Emily about her tragic past and she actually says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and she's moved on from it. Um, I'll believe it when I see it. I guarantee it comes up at least three more times in this episode. I don't have much else to say about this interview with Chris Harrison, because my eyes have glazed over. All I remember is that Emily wants babies, lots of lots of babies. Huh? Is this chick really only 26? Back me up, she looks 36.

The men arrive. There's Sean AKA the leader of the Aryan nation. Emily seems to like him. The douchey songwriter arrives and he seems super annoyed he's in Charlotte and not LA where he planned to launch his career as a waiter. Doug AKA Sleepless in Seattle tells Emily that he's left a son at home. Good move. Lead with the kid! Although, I've known some single moms who don't want to date guys with kids. This chick just made it clear to Harrison that she wants babies, not some eleven year old step-son from Seattle. Pink on pink fitness model gets down on his knees when he sees Emily and says, and I quote "Life's not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away." I really feel like Emily should take off her high heel here and beat him over the head with it repeatedly until he has a hole in his head. These are grown men. They should have way better game than this. I'm a little perplexed by Joe who's like "emily!!!" when he sees her. He seems more like the sidekick friend in an R rated romantic comedy. He gets points for enthusiasm, but I get the "i think it's funny to fart in your face" vibe from him.

Emily's eyes light up when she sees Arie, the race car driver. He's cute, I guess. But I'm not a fan of the little eyes. Chris seems promising. He manages to bring up his dad and the big guy in the sky. He seems sincere. And then there's Aaron. I think he's one of the hotter guys in the house. He's got a Ryan Gosling vibe to him and I even forgive him for his cheesy ass line "I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you." Em says she failed chemistry and biology. OMG. Amazing.  She really is an idiot.  Then there's Alessandro from Brazil. I love that the second he starts talking, they play Latin music. I find this a little offensive.  It's not like they played the soundtrack of Deliverance when any of the guys from the south showed up. He speaks to Emily in Portuguese and she responds with "gracias." Brain damaged guy is looking better and better for her.

I can't believe Em actually seems to be into Jef with one F and his skateboard entrance. What is this? 1995? Is he gonna pull out a hacky sack next? Then Lerone makes his entrance. Don't screw this up, Lerone. Black men all over America are counting on you. Emily actually seems to be into him. He could make it to the fantasy suite stage.  Speaking of race and The Bachelor franchise, Asians are seriously underrepresented on this show.  Who am I kidding.  No self respecting Asian parent would let their child on this show, let alone any reality TV show.  Seriously: how many Asians do you know on reality TV??   Margaret Cho on Celebrity Apprentice does not count. 

And then, the moment I've been waiting for. STEVIE!!!!! Where do I start with this guy. He comes in with a boombox playing music straight out of a blaxploitation film.  He wears a green button down and does some terrible dance moves. He is a party MC.  His nickname is probably "the scenario." There is no way this guy is getting a rose.

Just when I think things can't get worse, Tony arrives with a glass slipper and introduces himself as Prince Charming. This guy is never going to live this down. So embarrassing. I can't handle it. Why do guys think women have a princess fantasy? You just know Chris Harrison put him up to that. Other highlights: the guy that arrives dressed as Norman Bates's mother. Okay, Randy. I give you points on creativity and there's the callback to the grandma from Ben F's season, but the whole thing is a little ridiculous. Nate seems to be Em's favorite. She even says "he's so cute" when he walks away. I'm just going to say it: He looks like Ricky.
Emily & Ricky, tears!
Finally, there's Travis who carries around an egg with him. He says it's a symbol of Emily and Ricki and he's going to take care of it, like he would take care of them. What an idiot. I mean, didn't we all have to do this assignment in eighth grade? Frankly, I would be insulted if I was Emily. Being a father/husband is not the equivalent of carrying an egg around. How do you guys feel about the long-haired guy from Austin? Strangely hot, right? There's even another South American man. Emily must like Latinos. She did after all name her daughter after Ricky Martin.

Just when I thought this episode was missing something, a helicopter lands outside the house. The guys start freaking out. They think it might be Brad Womack. But it's Kalon, the luxury brand consultant. I kind of think this is hot, purely in a Christian Grey sort of way (Yes, clearly I'm reading 50 Shades) BUT does he even own this helicopter? I seriously doubt it. This guy is trying too hard and I don't like it. I'm telling you, if he becomes little Ricki's stepdad, he's going to lock her in the attic and feed her bread and water.

Emily's interactions with the guys are pretty uneventful. I'm confused as to how the guy Brent got on the show. He's 41. He's got a weird mole. He's from Fresno.  And he has six kids. That is just wrong on so many levels. Chris gives Emily bobble heads of them and she seems super in her element playing pretend with dolls. She's into him. I'm pretty surprised that Emily is all smitten with Jef with one F. She says he has a cool vibe. Oh, poor Em. She hasn't spent much time outside of North Carolina. Doug gives Emily a note from his son. I'm fully expecting her to sound out the letters and not be able to read it.  Then, we could have a literacy PSA at the end of the show.  I love how Doug is whoring out his son right out of the gate. Needless to say, it snags him the first impression rose. I'm glad Emily didn't give it to Patrick Bateman. There's some drama between him and Party MC. I really, really, want to see these two get into a knife fight. It's hard to say who'd win. Party MC would be quick on his feet and turn the whole thing into a dance off, but Patrick Bateman is ruthless and would probably slice off Party MC's chin and frame his flavor saver. The only other notable moment was when Arie told Emily he was a race car driver and asked her if that made her uncomfortable. She pulls herself together and says that she loves the race track and it's totally fine. Then later, in an interview she says he would look hot in a race car. OMG. I really hope Big Ricky was taking a bathroom break in heaven when she said that.

Speaking of Party MC, this might have been the most shocking rose ceremony EVER, because he actually gets a rose. I'm serious. He got a rose and Lerone, the black guy was sent home. This is proof that Emily is a bigot. Is there no justice in the world? At least she keeps the two Latinos. But I think it bears repeating: SHE GAVE PARTY MC A ROSE! Most of the rejected guys leave with their dignity in tact. Although Lerone should have called her a straight up racist before he left. I actually feel a little bad for Brent at the end who says that at his age and with six kids, it's not a high probability that he'll find love again. I hate to say it Brent, but you're right. And the pink on pink fitness trainer uses his exit interview as an opportunity to take his shirt off. I would give Em props for letting him go, BUT SHE GAVE PARTY MC A ROSE.

The season preview looks all kinds of exciting, but the best moment (aside from Dolly Parton) was when Emily tells someone to "get the fuck out." Golly gee! Who knew she had it in her. I'm about 99.9% positive she is speaking to Little Ricki. Anyway, who's your favorite guy for Emily so far? Comment below!


  1. Sara, you are the only reason I watch this show! I think she used to date Dale Jr. or one of those big nascar guys. That's who she should be with.

    1. i think he totally broke her heart though! I think she should go lesbian and date danica what's her name. that would be a really awesome twist!

  2. This is fucking hilarious! I'll have proper comments once I finish watching this thing. But this is fucking hilarious!

    1. um, i watched it twice! finish that shit!