Monday, May 7, 2012

The Bachelorette: Early predictions

ABC's The Bachelorette premieres a week from today and because we have no life, we will be recapping the episodes here on the BLOW OFF. I've got mixed feelings about this season. The Bachelorette is Emily Maynard-- she got engaged to Brad Womack at the end of his season, but SHOCKER- they broke up. ABC has been desperate to get Emily to be The Bachelorette. She's super pretty and she has a tragic story-- her fiancĂ© died in a plane crash, but not before getting her pregnant. I know it's sad, but I've heard the story so many times now, I'm totally numb to it. And you know we're going to have to sit through her explaining it over and over again on the new season of the show. Personally, I want proof that Little Ricki is actually late Ricky's daughter. Okay, I just read an article about the whole plane crash and saw all these pictures of them and balled my eyes out, but in my defense, I'm on my period. 

Anyway. This season will be taped in North Carolina which means...no bachelor house. WAAAAH! What's worse is I got a look at the twenty-five guys Emily has to choose from and they are, in a word, busted. How could this happen? How did they manage to get the world's hottest guys for Ashley Cupcake Perfackt face? They should have just invited that entire cast of dudes back, especially since they were all hoping Emily was the Bachelorette anyway. So, here are my picks for final four, which was hard because these guys are all so douche-licious.  There are actually a couple latino boys this season and one ethnically ambiguous guy that I'm pretty sure is African-American.  Obviously, I disqualified these guys from the final four, because Emily is from the south and probably a little bit racist.   ABC also had the gall to include a race car driver (Em's dead boyfriend was a race car driver.)  I think she'll keep him around for awhile, but that would be seriously creepy and fucked up if she ended up with him.  I also stuck mostly with guys who are in their thirties, because no 20something male in his right mind would be cool with becoming a stepfather.

Aaron: 36, from Canada, biology teacher
I'm going with Aaron, mainly because I was the least offended by his photo.  I can dig the whole tie under a V-neck sweater look.  He also seems tall and since he's a teacher, that means he's good with kids which will win him points with Little Ricki.   I'm pretty sure that little kid is going to be calling all the shots this season.  I would not be surprised if she's the one handing out the roses at the end of each episode.  Shit.  They should just change the name of this show to "Little Ricki picks a Daddy."  I'm not sure how Emily will feel about the fact that he's a foreigner.   The whole Canadian thing could really work against him, especially if he says things like "whoot are you talking abooot."  BUT Canadians are known to be nice and Emily has the whole sweet girl act down.  The culture shock might be too much for her after his hometown date and that could be the end for these two, but I've got a good feeling about him.
Charlie: 32, from Massachusetts, recruiter
Charlie just has dad written all over him.  I do get a short guy vibe from him, so that could spell trouble, but I have a feeling he's going to be the sweet/sensitive guy this season.  He also seems a little boring, which is okay, because Emily Maynard is maybe the world's most boring person ever.  I have absolutely nothing witty or funny to say about Charlie which just makes me feel even more confident that he and Emily are the perfect match.  Plus, he kind of looks like he could be Little Ricki's biological father.
Chris: 25, from Illinois, Sales Director
This could be a controversial choice, because he's a little dopey looking AND he works in sales.  Who wants to marry a guy that works in sales?  A friend of mine told me sales guys at her old company used to try and expense condoms-- and they were married.   BUT he already has 1,314 likes on Facebook, which means he's popular with the ladies.  I don't like that his neck is wider than his face and his adam's apple is abnormally tiny, but if Emily liked Brad Womack, I could see her being into this guy.  Even though she would be making a huge mistake, because he's only twenty-five and is no ready to be a father to Little Ricki.  Plus, he seems slightly illiterate.  When they asked him if he considered himself a romantic he said: "yes, because I'm always trying to find the net best way to romanticize a woman."  Say what?
Sean: 28, from Dallas, TX, Insurance Agent
I have a good feeling about Sean.  Yes, he's in his twenties-- but he's in his late 20s.  After dating Brad Womack, Emily might want someone a little younger.  Also, I like his flannel shirt and he has dimples and guys with dimples always get pretty far on The Bachelorette.  And he's from the south so him and Emily can bond over things like the confederate flag and the KKK.  Just kidding, I love the south.  Especially if my girl Georgia still reads this blog.  I'm not sure Sean will be good with kids, but this could be one of those perfect rom-com stories where the guy meets the hot girl, but it turns out she has kids and he's not really ready to quit his hard-partying ways, and then he meets her kid and is super great with her and everyone falls in love with each other and they all dance to some upbeat song during the end credits.  What I'm trying to say is that Sean could be the Jason Segel to Emily's Michelle Williams.

Going home the first night:
Stevie.  He has "party MC" listed as his occupation.  Plus, he's from Jersey.  And he thinks Las Vegas is the most romantic city in the United States.  And he's got a soul patch.  Emily does have a bit of a douche streak (I think I once saw her wearing an Ed Hardy shirt) BUT, I've gotta think she would not be into his scene. 


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