Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the online dating rant: a male perspective

Another awesome guest post from shotataduck.  Enjoy!

Like most people, my life is busy.  Currently my life is divided up as follows:
Now, these are the things I cannot change. I need to sleep, I need to work, and I need to drive to work. This absorbs 72% of my time. So, I have a total of 47 hours a week that are under my control. Seems like a lot till you start adding in all of your other life chores. Eating, cleaning, running errands, walking the dog, secretly watching Private Practice so no one else knows… What am I left with? Not much. So, when I even try to think about making time to find someone I’d like to date, I cringe a little. When am I gonna have time to find her? Even if I do manage to carve out an hour or two where should I start looking? It seems to me that the “where” is as limited when. The prime hotspots seem to be the following:
1. Hope I run into them in a bar
Bars are a horrible place to meet people. We all know it, and yet we all keep thinking this is where we are gonna find “The One".  This is like playing the lottery, and for every time you don’t win you rack up a $50 bar tab, a hangover, and if you’re lucky, Herpes. 

2. Friend of a Friend
This seems like the most reliable suggestion, assuming your friends happen to know the type of people you’re looking to date. If you’re lucky, they do, but most of us end up with someone their friends were just trying to pawn off on us because they didn’t want them or because they’re too nice to say their friend has a horrible flaw that no one in their right mind would want to touch.  She’s great except for the fact that she gets blackout drunk every chance she can get. She’s great except for the fact that she refuses to shower more than once a week…..

3. Work
No, been there and done that. Don’t shit where you eat. End of conversation.
4. Extra-curricular activities (ex. Sports, Classes, Church…)
These are good, until you tap out the pool, or it becomes too incestuous. Then it’s just weird. 

5. Online Dating
Often looked down upon, but seemingly successful for many… also, my most recent foray.
Online dating has its pros and cons. I’m not here to judge the merit of online dating, but simply to rant about a few people that really piss me off on online dating sites. This is again from a male perspective.

Hey Girl, Nice Rack.
Time and time again I stumble upon an incredibly attractive woman who has ten photos in her profile and 1/3 of them are great shots of her “assets”…. Boobs. Okay, you’ve got a great body, and with that you’ve caught my attention. So, lets see what you’ve got to say in your profile…. You think you’re funny, you like dogs, hiking, and you’re looking for Mr. Right…. 2-3 sentences of the most generic crap you could come up with. You’re profile was only 3 sentences and I’m already bored, but your boobs are pretty awesome… Okay. Time to write an email. It needs to be short but witty and show that I read your profile…. So what I’ve got to work with here is you have a great rack and you like dogs and hiking. How in the hell am I supposed to craft some sort of witty, email that doesn’t revolve around me pointing out how nice a rack you have or the fact that we both like dogs and hiking?  I either come off like douche or a generic vanilla loser.   So, I sit staring at my screen struggling to glean some sort of insight on you as a person from your photos, but all I can see are your boobs…. Cause that’s all you’re showing me. After five minutes of struggling to come up with something other than “hey, how’s your week going” I give up in frustration. I’ve gone from being attracted to you to completely annoyed in a matter of minutes. Which, based on your profile is probably a pretty good gauge of how I would feel about you if I met you in real life. I’m sure all that cleavage works great in the real world, but if you’re looking for anyone with any substance you’re gonna have to show a little more than your assets… boobs. –DELETED- P.S. The male version of this is Mr. Six Pack.

I’m Looking for Mr. Perfect
I HATE HATE HATE the girl who will write one or two lines about herself and then spend the next half a page describing her perfect man. He’s tall, dark, handsome, never farts, only has eyes for me, glitters in the sunlight, makes a million dollars a year, but I don’t really care about money, and he makes me laugh….. blah blah blah… Okay so you’re looking for the most perfect fictional guy ever. Two problems here. 1. You’ll never find him, because he doesn’t exist. You’re looking for a flawless man who changes at your every whim. I could rant about this for days, but what the more immediate issue I have with you is… WHAT DO I SAY TO YOU!? You’re cute and based on your photos I’m interested, but all you’ve told me about yourself is what you want. Which means all I have to talk about is myself and how I fill your requirements. You’ll get my email and immediately think of how full of myself I must be to simply email you with how awesome I am. And even if you don’t feel that way, I do just writing it. Mr. Right is never going to find you if you don’t give him anything to work with. Because dating is a two way street, and you need to have some of my requirements too. So, unless you can tell me a little about yourself–DELETED-

I’m an open book. Ask me anything.
I hate lazy people. The “Hey, I’m a pretty awesome and open person. If you have any questions just ask " Girl. JUST ASK!? What am I supposed to ask you? I don’t know anything about you. If I were to ask you anything it would be a shot in the dark hoping that I hit something we have in common. There is a 90% chance that I fail at this and my success or failure is complete chance. I don’t even bother with you anymore, because if you can’t come up with a single paragraph about yourself I don’t think I even want to know. –DELETED-

Single photo
You have an interesting profile, but you’ve only posted one photo of yourself. RED FLAG! People can look really good in one photo and horrible in the next. A good angle or lighting can change everything. I need to have the following. A close up, a wide shot, something sexy, something fun, something cute. If all you show is a close up, I’m worried about this.
If all you have is a wide shot I’m worried you’re a fifty yarder… someone who looks good from fifty yards, but looks like a piece of beef jerky up close. The point is we live in the age of camera phones and Facebook. I know you have more than one photo of yourself so please show me. Otherwise it’s just false advertising.   Maybe this comes off as chauvinistic, but the fact is appearances matter, and if you disagree you’re lying to yourself. – DELETED-

I guess what I’m trying to say is... Ladies the caliber of your profile will directly effect the caliber of your potential suitors. Don’t rely on your physical attributes alone. Don’t be lazy. Show us a lil character. You paid money to be here, so why not try and take advantage of it. Just be honest with yourself here, because once you meet someone in person you’re not going to be able to hide who you really are. Online dating has the potential to be an incredibly useful tool in our modern technological world, but like in all things, you’ll only get as good as you give.


  1. this is pretty hilarious! I think i would have a really hard time filling out an online dating profile without trying to be super clever and witty. I guess that's what happens when you don't have a big rack to fall back on!

  2. I like online dating but it's really very difficult to understand someone just by their profiles.

  3. This was great...a great critique of female online dating ads. You could have added the profile where they tell you about how they hate men and how men are awful, but they've just got to have one. And of course there's the female profile, age 37 but from the photos you know she's not a day younger than 55.

  4. I love this post it's not far from the real world. Since I am talking about the "real world" maybe it's time we got a little "real" ladies. Just how many over 6 foot makes more than 150k per annum has most of his hair ,athletic, funny sharp dressed dog lovers do you think are out there? My guess is 6 that are currently single and straight and 4 of them are dating super models so other than a drunken one time hook up what do you think your chances are sweetie? You may be an 8 1/2 but you are looking for a one in 10,000.