Tuesday, May 22, 2012

the top ten reasons you should BLOW OFF your friends

Friendships last longer than most relationships.  Hell, they last longer than most marriages.  My oldest friend and I have been besties since we were eight years old.  That means we'll be celebrating our 24th anniversary of being friends.  That shit cray.  And we've had a long distance friendship since we were ten years old and she moved away from California.  That's what I call real love and commitment, folks.  I even ripped the tail off her sock monkey during a fight and she forgave me.  But it doesn't always work that way.  Sometimes, as we get older, people change and drift apart.  And sometimes we get trapped in friendships with people we have nothing in common with, but we've known them for SO long and don't know how to cut them out of our lives.  We don't exactly have the break up talk with our friends.  Usually we just stop returning their phone calls and hide them on Facebook and feel guilty as hell about it.  Well, here are ten types of friends that I think we should all consider dumping:

10.  The career shape-shifter.  Look, I realize not everyone knows what they want to be when they grow up at the age of five and that's totally fine.  And it's important to try out different jobs and careers before you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.  I'm not talking about those people.  I'm talking about the friends that literally change their career paths every other week.  And none of their career paths are even under the same career heading (example: wanting to open a bakery one week, then wanting to be a marine biologist the following week.)  The reason these friends are exhausting is because they announce every new dream like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread and we're forced to sit there and encourage them and tell them what an awesome NASA scientist they'll make, when we know in a few days they'll decide to write children's books.

9.  The super-duper needy friend.  This is the person that expects you to drop everything, because they're going through a crisis.  And usually that crisis is something relatively minor like a bad date or a pimple.  These are also the friends that cry at the first sign of conflict, so you can never confront them about anything, because they go into victim mode right away. 


8.  The "why haven't you called me" friend.  Look, we're all busy.  And most of us have close friends that don't live in the same cities as we do.  Sometimes weeks and months will go by between those dreaded phone conversations where we have to talk to someone for two plus hours to catch each other up on our lives.  Most of us don't get mad at our friends when they've been out of touch for awhile, because we know shit happens.  But then there's those friends that take it way too personally.  They're not even necessarily part of the #9 needy mother-fuckers, they just think you deserve to feel like crap for not reaching out to them every other week even if you have five kids and are working three jobs.


7.  The back-handed compliment friend.  Gotta love these bitches.  This is the friend that manages to insult you, while making you think they're complimenting you.  SO, by the time you even realize they're telling you you're ugly, it's too late to call them out on it.  You know, they say shit like "your boobs look so much bigger now that you've put on weight." Or "Wow, congratulations.  I didn't know you could get a guy that hot."

6. The flake.  We all have to cancel plans once in awhile, but there's the people that do it on a regular basis and always at the last minute and usually because there's a penis or a vagina they need to clear their schedule for.  You can't do this shit all the time no matter how tempting it might be.  I remember once after a fight with the H-bomb, I had dinner plans with a friend and then he made dinner plans for us to make it up to me, but I turned him down, cause I just couldn't be that person that flaked on my friend as soon as the guy in my life wanted to hang out.   

5.  The hot mess.  This is the person you almost want to stay friends with, because they make you feel better about yourself.  But it gets a little frustrating when after yet another series of bad decisions, you have to be the one that's there to pick up the pieces.  If you are friends with a hot mess and they are over the age of thirty, then you need to start letting them handle their ridiculous dramas on their own. 

4.  The super slutty-slash-drunk friend.  I know, I know.  You shouldn't call anyone a slut and just because a guy or a girl likes to fuck, it doesn't make them a ho.  But how annoying is it when they fuck a bunch of people in your social circle and then it's always problematic when someone tries to have a party and a bunch of people that awkwardly fucked have to get all weird about being in the same room with each other again.  People: be a good friend. Fuck strangers.  The super slutty friend is usually also the super drunk friend who usually takes you away from a perfectly good shindig, so you can help them puke.  This is when it pays to be a dude.  I have a feeling they don't rub their buddies back as he's barfing into a toilet bowl.

3. The Self-Righteous friend: Clearly, if you've read numbers 10-4 you know that this is the category I would fit under.  But believe it or not, I've been really trying to practice the art of letting go.  Anyway, here's my advice to all of you self-righteous peeps.  Stop with the lecturing and the advice.  Sometimes being a good friend actually means walking away.  Just keep your judgements to yourself.  Or do what I do.  Talk shit behind their back. 

2.  the "i'm single, let's hang out" friend.  Well, this is an obvious one, but one of the worst friend offenders are the ones that fall off the face of the earth when they're dating someone, then expect to hang out everyday when they're going through a break up.  This should be against the law.  Like, I really feel like these people should get the electric chair.

1.  The me, me, me  friend.   These are the friends that only want to hang out in their neighborhood.  They always ask for rides, but never offer them in return.  They borrow money.  They constantly talk about themselves.  They ask to stay at your place when they're in town, but their apartments are never available when you happen to be visiting their city.  They borrow clothes and never give them back.  They sleep with your ex-boyfriends or girlfriends.  They're never available for your milestones or birthday parties, even though you helped plan theirs.  In a nutshell, they are terrible people and terrible friends and they prefer to surround themselves with passive doormats.  You should give them a taste of their own medicine.  Steal all their money, hook up with their exes, miss their birthdays, and then stop speaking with them.  Then tag super ugly pictures of them on Facebook.  Preferably ones where they're sitting on a toilet or where their muffin tops are curling over their jeans. 

Okay, wow. This is a long list of grievances.  I'm going to start stepping it up and being a better friend so I can practice what I preach.  And clearly I have severed some ties with friends over the years, but the ones I do have in my life are all keepers. Any of those whores who try to break up with ME?  I will hunt them down and force them into a spa day.

10 comments:

  1. I'm going to step it up too! But I feel like I've had one of each of these at SOME point. A lot of these traits actually show themselves subtly [sp?word?] and so can be easily over-looked, especially by popping the occasional xanax.

    And I am TOTALLY guilty of being a flake... but not because of choosing better plans... mostly because sometimes I'd just rather nap! I know, I'm the worst.

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  2. Oh, half this stuff is about me. I'm flaky too, i have a hard time doing anything that's inconvenient or that i don't feel like doing. I've done the drunk/slutty thing on one or two occasions and i can be really bad about talking too much about myself. and i'm judgey and self righteous.

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  3. Ok, I think I have been guilty of number 8. But I have only taken it personally when I have reached out and gotten no response back for weeks or months. I am talking about inviting someone out for dinner,someone in my own town, and getting silence back when I know they are not dead and that they are talking to other people. So in these cases, I have thought maybe the person WAS pissed at me. And I was kinda right. So do you think number eight applies when you have reached out and gotten the ol' silence back? In that case, is it not ok to ask if all is well with the friendship? And isn't someone also not a keeper if they can't even take 30 seconds to text a decline to an invitation? Who is that busy?

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    1. i totally think it's okay to call someone out on it if you feel like they are giving you the silent treatment or just being flaky in general-- especially if they do live in the same city as you and are ignoring invites. I think we should cut our friends some slack though if they live across the country or in another city, and we haven't heard from awhile-- unless they forget birthdays or you're going through a life crisis.

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  4. Shit. Some of these are kind of harsh. Are all of your friends without any flaws? Are you really so quick to dump a friend because they aren't perfect? What if your friend without professional direction is also a warm and wonderful person who respects your choices in life? Sometimes it is a person's flaws or quirks that make them interesting. I am surprised your mind is so closed when it comes to friendships and that you are so quick to dismiss people for these rather surface-y reasons. Sorry, but this is lame compared to most of your posts. And I generally love this blog.

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    1. you are right, this post is really harsh. I sort of regretted posting it for that reason-- because like i said-- it makes me guilty of #3. of course every individual has flaws and of course my friends have flaws, but they also have a number of wonderful qualities that make me love them and hopefully they feel the same way about me and my flaws/virtues. Also, I've had about 2-3 close friendships go awry, i swear i'm not dumping friends left and right. You know how there's those lists that's like "if you say yes to most of these things then you are an alcoholic"? Well, maybe this is more like if your one friend has four or more of these flaws, then maybe they are not being a very good friend to you and you should consider moving forward. Life is too short and these days we are all spread so thin, that i don't think it's worth forcing a relationship with someone that treats you badly. maybe to make up for this i should do a top ten reasons not to dump your friends. Anyway, thanks for your comment and hope you don't hate me and keep reading!

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  5. "We don't have to live with or merge or bank accounts with these people, so why should we care if they are professionally stable?" This should be "OUR" bank accounts.

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    1. good point! unless we split rent with them.

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  6. Hmmm, not sure if my initial reply was deleted or never was posted?

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    1. nothing has been deleted! We rarely delete comments and if we do, it shows that a comment was deleted.

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