Wednesday, June 6, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

Seriously, taking the snoozefest that is The Bachelorette this season and trying to write a funny and entertaining post is the ultimate writing challenge.  Not to toot my own horn, but I'm fairly certain writing these posts is like way harder than writing the ten commandments or pretty much anything by Shakespeare.

Anyway, the episode begins with Chris Harrison arriving at the North Carolina mansion to tell the guys they are leaving that day and never coming back.  Finally.  I'm so sick of Charlotte and all the loser residents who are obsessed with Emily.  Let's get the frack out of here.  First stop on the bachelorette journey to love is Bermuda.  BORING.  Another quaint tropical place where it will probably rain a lot.  I'm pretty sure this is actually a sound stage somewhere in Burbank that's doubled as Jamaica, Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, etc etc

Did anyone else notice that Chris Harrison was totally dressed like Cameron from Modern Family?  What was with the button down shirt and the cuffs rolled up look?  Could it be that Harrison is getting divorced, because he's the isosceles in a torrid love triangle with Brad Womack and Jake Pavelka? 

BAD MOMMY ALERT.  I love how ABC wants us to think Emily is a great mom, because she's brought Little Ricki to Bermuda and because they like to frolic on the beach together...but I call bullshit.  Poor Little Ricki has been pulled out of school and has a tutor now so her mom can spend the day making out with guys who are either A. desperate to be the Bachelor (Ryan)  B. desperate to promote their business (Jef with one F) or C. desperate to lose their virginity on reality TV (Jef with one F.)   I'm pretty sure Little Ricki is going to grow up to be a total ho.  And when Emily confronts her, she'll just be like "I learned it from watching you."

There's a really cheesy scene of the guys all riding mopeds or scooters in Bermuda.  Sadly, they don't get mowed down by a big rig and die before they can make it safely to their hotel.  I'm not even entirely convinced these were really the guys from the show and not a bunch of stunt men.

The first date card arrives and it goes to Daddy Doug.  I love when all the guys tease Doug about the date and he starts dropping F-bombs left and right. Whoa, Doug's definitely got a dark side.  I'm guessing right about now that his son Austin is actually a foster child that he physically and verbally abuses.  Poor little Austin is praying for his pops to get a rose so he'll stay the fuck away.

The producers clearly phoned it in when it came to Doug and Emily's date.  All they do is walk around Bermuda in the rain.  Emily actually says that this is what married couples do "walk around together." Pathetic. This girl is really lonely if she's this excited about walking next to a man.  Anyway, Emily decides it would be nice to write Austin a postcard.  This is wrong on so many levels.  I'm pretty sure this postcard never makes it into the mailbox.  You can't promise a poor abused kids that he's going to get a princess for a step-mom when there's a 99% chance you're going to BLOW OFF Doug right before the hometown dates, because you don't think it's fair to meet his son unless it's you and him 'til the end. But that's not even the best part of this date.  The best part is when Doug claims his son told him "one person can't change the world" (yes, because this is the kind of shit 11 year old boys love to say out of the blue), so Doug started a charity to prove his son that one person can change the world.  Notice how there's no mention of what the charity actually is.  

That basically confirms it.  Doug doesn't really have a son.  He just sponsors a kid that lives in some third world country and sends him $5 a month.  Which he considers running his own charity.  When I was thirteen, I became a mother too when I sponsored a child from the Dominican Republic named Carlito.  He wrote me letters just like "Austin" wrote Emily a letter. 

Even though I think Emily is the most boring robot on the face of the earth, every once in awhile she surprises me.  I loved when she asked Doug what his ex-girlfriend would say are his worst flaws. His response: I spend too much time with my son and I washed her car too much or not enough or whatever.  This guy is so full of shit, poop is dripping out of his hair follicles.  That's like me saying "my ex-bf would say I was too beautiful and too nice and too good at giving blow jobs."  Clearly, there was no chapter in the How to Win the Final Rose handbook that covered flaws.  Doug actually starts getting a little pissy with Emily and turns the question around on her.

Emily's flaws: she likes to wear pajamas and sometimes she even goes out of the house in them.
The woman has some nerve!

Then things with Doug start to get even more weird.  Suddenly, he starts referring to himself in the third person.  He says he's not a genius but he's not a dummy.  Hmmm...anyone that actually uses the word "dummy" might be slightly mentally handicapped.  He chickens out and doesn't kiss Emily, but then says something like "If Emily wants Doug to kiss her, she'll tell Doug to kiss her."  Creepy.  Because Emily has terrible taste in men, she gives Doug a rose.

Group date time!  The guys on the group date are as follows: Neckface (AKA Ryan), Marty McFly (AKA Jef), Aryan Nation (AKA Sean), Patrick Bateman (AKA Kalon), I love bobble heads but I'm ready to be a father (AKA Chris), Big Ricky (AKA Arie), I hate balconies (AKA Charlie), and leggo my EGG-o (AKA Travis).  Get it, he was the guy with the egg, leggo my eggo. 

The guys are split into teams of two and we have to watch the most uneventful, suspense-free, boat race set to the most suspenseful music you have ever heard in your entire life.  Seriously.  You would think this was actually the third installment of the Speed movies and the losing team's boat would blow up and they'd all die.   Anyway, the yellow team won, so they got to spend the night with Emily and the red team had to go back to the house.  I'm pretty sure Charlie (red team) was actually crying in the car on the way home.  This guy can't get a break.  First, he gets brain damage and now he doesn't get to spend the rest of the day with EmBOT.  Is there no justice in this world?

Oh, I forgot to mention that Chris L's mom made a special appearance in this segment.  Did everyone spot the giant rainbow in the sky?  Doesn't Emily have something that makes her think of Big Ricky? (Little Ricki does not count).  Even Ben F thought of his dad when he saw a hummingbird.  

Queen Boring and her four remaining boyfriends (Arie, Kalon, Jef, and Ryan) hang out on the beach for the rest of the night.  Arie and Emily make out as he awkwardly tries to wrap them in a blanket.  She's super into this guy, but I swear, back me up on this-- every time he's on screen, his eyes keep getting smaller, his ears keep getting bigger, and his face keeps getting greasier.  One of the true mysteries of the world will be why Emily is so madly in love with Jef with one F.  He's clearly a virgin.  He's clearly a little gay.  And he's clearly never kissed a girl or touched a boob before.  But she's all about him!  Watching the two of them together is like watching Stifler's mom with Finch.  It's like watching the dorky guy from an 80s movie hanging out with the popular girl.  Are we gonna find out that Jef paid Emily to let him be on the show a la Can't Buy Me Love?  Will a Thompson Twins song be playing in the background when Jef finally kisses her?  Will he make the rest of the guys pay him a dollar to see Emily's panties?  Did he try to make a lamp in wood shop that didn't turn on?

Kalon has zero scenes with Emily on this date, but instead we get a whole lot of Ryan.  Neckface is really rubbing me the wrong way.  First of all, he calls Emily a trophy wife. Second, the only thing him and Emily ever talk about is what would happen if she didn't go to the gym.  Third, he basically calls her a ho and a bad example for Little Ricki-- wait, that's kind of true.  And fourth, he's maybe using this show to audition to be a televangelist-slash-motivational speaker who has an infomercial really late at night.  Also, I get a tiny penis vibe from him.  We're talking the littlest gherkin in the gherkin jar.

Anyway, Marty McFly gets the group date rose which makes this his second group date rose.  I predict that Jef with one f is going to make it to the fantasy suite round, but Emily will send him home after he spends the whole night huddled in the corner, totally naked except for his knee socks, crying softly while singing an A Capella version of Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

Back at the house, Nate (so boring there is no nickname for him) and The Wolf (so fascinating he came with his own nickname) prepare for their two on one date.  At some point, there's a big fight between the 30somethings and the 20somethings in the house RE: who's more mature.

Here's where I stand on the Doug (leader of the 30somethings) and Chris (the leader of the 20somethings.)

Doug: ten points for allegedly having a child.
Chris: negative five points for being twenty-five and bringing Emily a bobble-head.
Doug: negative a million points for not being smooth enough to kiss Emily and for referring to himself in the third person.
Chris: a thousand points for kissing Emily and for leaving home at 17 to go to college.

Final Tally:
Doug: -999,990 points
Chris: 9,995 points

Chris wins!

Believe it or not, the two on one date totally pulled at my heartstrings.  Not because Nate cried when he talked about how cool his big brother is, not because The Wolf had to hide in the corner of the cave for three hours because it was a full moon and his claws and fangs were coming out, not because Nate pronounced Quinoa "Kinowa" instead of "Keenwa" (okay, fine, I did that for like a week), not because no one ate their dinner, not because Nate wore a khaki sports jacket over a brightly colored V-neck, and not because The Wolf looked like he would rather read The Economist during a terrible bout of IBS than be on this date.  It pulled at my heartstrings because I actually wanted to cry for the producers of the show, because this was the world's most boring date I have ever witnessed in my life.  I would have had more fun plucking my leg hairs one by one.  The Wolf got the rose, because he sort of looks like a cross between Jason Patric and Tim Riggins and because he's dangerous.  And Nate got sent home, because he can't pronounce trendy grains and because he cried like a baby.

Time for the obligatory Ricki/Emily scene.  Emily tries to teach Ricki how to do her homework, but don't worry people-- there's an ABC hired professional tutor on set to get Ricki through the blue list which is apparently the hardest list.  I kid you not, this was the most exciting scene in the entire episode.  RICKI KNOWS HOW TO DO THE BLUE LIST!?!?!?!?!?!

Seeing Chris Harrison at this point is like arriving at an oasis after you've been trapped in the desert.  He's the only person that looks more bored than me.  Emily gives him the rundown of where she stands with all the guys.  It sounds like Ricky, I mean Arie, and McFly are the frontrunners.  Em thinks Neckface is manipulative.  Meanwhile, Neckface is telling long-haired Michael that he wants to be The Bachelor.  BARF.  This guy has no self awareness.

Other highlights we must discuss: Doug and Chris get into a stupid fight about their ages, proving they are both twelve year olds.  Emily's wearing a super fake pony tail.  Jef with one F is no joke wearing shorts and knee socks and a sports jacket.  So....he's going for the Harry Potter meets Bavarian Oktoberfest look. it possible we find out he's actually one of the animatronic characters from Small World come to life?

Rose ceremony time.  In a shocking turn of events, Alejandro gets a rose.  I know what you're thinking:  WHO?  The token minority, people.  The last Latino that got this far on the show was Roberto.  Emily sends home Charlie and Michael-- proving that having brain damage or long-hair is way less forgivable than a guy who calls you a trophy wife and tells you keep your ass in the gym. 

This episode majorly fucked up my Bachelorette bracket.  I thought Nate's resemblance to Big Ricky would get him a lot further and that Charlie's sob story would be the gift that keeps on giving.  But alas, both men were sent packing.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am so excited for next week's episode.  This is when Emily finds out some guy called Ricki baggage and she tells them to get the fuck out.  It's the most highly anticipated episode of the season!

Here are my guesses for the Little Ricki Hater:

The Wolf
Chris Harrison
Mitt Romney
The dad who named his son Adolf Hitler

Who do you guys think is the guilty party?  Comment below!


  1. Ryan is the obvious choice, but he and Kalon (is that a science fiction character name or something?) are neck and neck for worst person in the world. I'm going with Ryan because this show is nothing if not obvious.

  2. Hmm...Kalon gets my vote. I love how Ryan says, "retract that statement"

  3. did anyone read the latest issue of Us Weekly? Tons of spoilers.

  4. i decided to study on this mightily sweltering day at the land of eternal winter: starbucks (yeah.) i startled the surrounding zombies while reading this post by snorting with laughter. really. these people never saw anyone laugh before! every paragraph delighted my little coal Bachelor/ette-hating-yet-watching heart. sara, your comic genius is cemented. like, that's it.

  5. omg, that is the compliment of all compliments. and i have to say i feel a lot better about myself knowing that you watch the show. why is it so boring though?!