Wednesday, June 13, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

This episode opens with a series of ridiculous scenes of Queen Emily and her prop daughter seeing the sites of London. Sigh. How I long for the days of the Bachelorette strolling by herself, packing a suitcase, standing outside on a balcony and contemplating whether she should go for a landing strip or a small triangle bikini wax for her future fantasy suite dates. I'm so sick of Little Ricki and I'm still not convinced she's actually Emily's daughter. I feel like we're gonna find out she's actually a white Webster who smokes cigars, drops F bombs, and has the voice of Kathleen Turner.

Did anyone notice how ABC did a nice little sound mix of Em and Ricki's laughter to make it seem like they were having the greatest mother-daughter date of all time? You can't fool me, ABC with your sound mixes. I'm what's called a savvy viewer and I will ruin you.

Is it just me or does Alejandro look hotter in London? Maybe it's just refreshing to see a Latino among a pack of drippy white guys who all look like they were raised in a small town in a red state. I'm even starting to dig his diamond studs. Alejandro, I didn't think you'd even make it past the first night. Way to shatter the glass ceiling.

I'm thinking of writing a letter to Anne Sweeney to tell her I don't think it's fiscally responsible for the network to send Chris Harrison to London to explain the same rules we've heard a million times. You know Harrison flies first class, too. He is such a waste of money. It would be so much cheaper if he just did face time with the guys on their iPhones. Then they could do a whole Apple integration and make a buck. How much do you want to bet after the rose ceremony the guys all go to Chris's hotel room to do blow and fuck hookers?

Sean gets the first one on one date. I'm not gonna lie, I really like Sean. He's sweet, wholesome, whiter than white, he says words like "stoked" and he turns red a lot. He's what I like to call husband material. Even though he and Emily have a joint IQ of 24, I actually like them together. The best part of this date is watching Emily try to play London Tour Guide. I'm pretty sure the producers had to use cue cards in these scenes. It looks like her brain might burst from the level of concentration it takes for her to say the words: Buckingham Palace. And Sean has no idea what the fuck Big Ben is. These two were made for each other. It's beyond ridiculous that they have to ask random strangers to take pictures of them. UM. You're being followed by a camera crew and a bunch of production assistants. Just ask one of them to take a freaking picture.

Sean and Emily go to the park and Sean gets on a soap box and talks about how he loves love and wants to be in love and love makes the world go round and all you need is love. Fine. It's kind of cute. In a preppy Good Will Hunting sort of way. Emily tries to smile at him, but all the botox running through her face has her totally paralyzed. Poor disabled Emily. Sean and Emily have a romantic dinner in a prison, Sean proves he's a huge loser by saying this was easily the best day of his life. They kiss and once again, Sean only kisses Emily's upper-lip. Maybe he's worried he'll catch a disease from all the collagen injections, but it's seriously weird that their lips never match up. Sean clearly has bad aim, which means the fantasy suite could be his undoing if he actually hits the wrong hole. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Em is all about butt love. Either way, I think we have our new front runner.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and the guys are beyond confused by what it says: a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Thank God for Alejandro, the cultured minority, who says he THINKS it's Shakespeare. Meanwhile, Kalon is beyond pissed that Marty McFly got the other one on one date. This throws a serious wrench in Kalon's plan to murder Emily and wear her skin like a winter coat. How is he supposed to kill her on a freaking group date with all those other guys around? Kalon says that every date with Emily will be a group date, because of Little Ricki and Ricky 2.0 (AKA Arie) and McFly get all up in arms about it. But...he kind of has a point. And honestly, little Ricki has not done one cute thing since the show premiered. Bitch.

Group date time! The guys arrive at Stratford Upon Avon and learn they are going to rehearse scenes from the Baz Luhrman movie, Romeo & Juliet. For some reason there are three Shakespeare experts to help them. Side note, Ryan Roids is sporting a scarf. Weird, right?

Basically, all the guys are illiterate and Kalon thinks he's finally gotten his shot to prove his acting prowess and that surely once this episode airs, he'll be cast as the next Batman. For once, Emily actually makes me laugh when she says that Kalon needs to lighten up and realize he's not on Broadway. SNAP! Ricky 2.0 is having a major freak out about this whole date. First of all, he hates acting. Second, he has to play the nurse and wear drag which is doubly confusing, because he's not even wearing a nurse's uniform. Ryan Roids is super happy cause he gets to make out with Emily on stage. I'm not sure who all these Brits are with their huge teethy smiles during the horrible performances. I'm guessing ABC borrowed them from a nearby asylum and they're just excited to breathe fresh air and get a break from their strait jackets. No sane person would be able to sit through this, let alone a self-respecting British person.

But let's skip over all this crap and get to the one exciting thing that's happened all season. During the cocktail party, Kalon bitches about how he has to wait around to talk to an exhausted sick mother who has a daughter waiting in bed for her or something. WTF. Kalon is kind of starting to remind me of Viserys from Game of Thrones. Someone throw a tub of boiling gold over his head!

Anyway. Then it surfaces that Kalon called Little Ricki baggage. This further proves my point that some freaky Flowers in the Attic shit would go down if Kalon became Ricki's stepdad. But I also have a feeling that if Marty McFly becomes her stepdad, he's going to sign her up for all those sick little kid beauty pageants. Everyone makes it sound like Kalon said Little Ricki needs to die and Doug takes it upon himself to take Emily aside and tell her everything.

And that's when White Trash Maynard rears her ugly head. Finally! I've been waiting for this moment for weeks! She says she's going to get West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on him. WHAT? Are people in West Virginia just constantly kicking each other's asses in the woods? I seriously love how people from the south get all trailer park when someone pisses them off. Remember when Taylor from RHOBH told Kim Richards she was going to go Oklahoma on her ass? It's times like these I'm really sad I grew up in San Jose, CA. What, am I gonna be like-- I'm gonna go San Jose, HTML, Steven's Creek, Santana Row on his ass? That actually sounds kind of hot.

Trailer Park Emily decides she wants to confront Kalon. Doug tries to play moderator, while she pretty much rips K five new assholes. I feel a little bit bad for the guy, but I mostly feel bad for the half dozen girls he has chained to his basement wall that were happy to get a break from him. And I did think Emily went a little overboard. The best part about this whole sequence is the look on all the other guy's faces. You know they're all thinking: OH NO. Bitch is high maintenance. No one at ABC said anything about Emily not being sweet and accommodating at all times. Emily was actually oddly articulate and made a ton of good points during this fight and wouldn't even let Kalon speak. These guys know they are screwed if they ever cross her by leaving the toilet seat up. West Virginia hood rat then announces that she's not going to give a rose to anyone because she's pissed no one told her about Kalon. Uhhhh....what about Doug?!

SO, after watching Em's date with Jef, I officially think that all of the producers from this show should get fired. What is this bullshit?! They end up having to go sit down and have tea with an etiquette coach? I get that Emily is a hood rat, but why the hell would I want to spend five valuable minutes of my life watching Julia Child tell McFly how to pour tea. This is so lame. And then in an even more contrived lame turn of events, Emily and Jef decide to ditch the etiquette lady and go to a pub to eat fish and chips. There's even a scene, I shit you not, of the etiquette coach coming back to an empty room and saying "where did they go...?" I'm pretty sure this was a straight rip off from a Mary Kate and Ashley movie.

Em is all sorts of freaked out that she kept Kalon along for all this time when he turned out to be a serial killer. She thinks it shows that she has bad judgement. Hmmmm, considering she's super hot for gay McFly, it's pretty clear her judgment sucks. If any of you ever had any doubt that Jef was gay, he says and I quote: "If Ricki was baggage she'd would be a Chloe handbag."

Back me up on this...what straight guy would ever say that?!?!?! Please God, please. Please let Jef come out of the closet and become Em's best gay friend who has to go on all the dates with her and talk about how hot all the other guys are. Then, at one point, let him lead the rest of the men in a rendition of I Say a Little Prayer For You. Then, when the guy Em picks blows her off, let Jef and Em decide to have a baby together, but then it all falls apart when she meets Benjamin Bratt.

I read in Us Weekly that Jef is friends with Michelle Money (the bitchy girl from Brad's season) and that Emily knew about him before she came on the show. Clearly, this is all a revenge plot from crazy Michelle to get West Virginia to fall in love with a gay man. Anyway, Emily and McFly ride on this glass elevator tram thingy and he finally kisses her and his boyfriend back home in Salt Lake City sticks his face in a pint of Chubby Hubby while watching it all go down.

Time for the rose ceremony. The cocktail party was as boring as they come, except that Roid Rage Ryan surprised Emily with a necklace. I'm really glad to see him turning things around, because I kept him around in my Bachelorette bracket for far too long. Needless to say, our token minority gets sent back to the states. Good bye Alejandro, I'll miss you and your weird hair and stud earrings. You were one of the good ones.

I'm super excited for next week's episode when Backwoods hunts down Chris Harrison in a dark alley and demands to know what other guys are not on the show for her. I have a feeling this has to do with a secret Arie's been keeping that I read all about in Us Weekly, but I won't give it away.

I honestly can't believe Emily thinks any of these guys came on the show for her. No one's there to be Emily's husband. Everyone is there to be Little Ricki's stepdad.  I bet after this episode airs, Little Ricki will slap Em across the face and demand that she bow down to her like the submissive botoxed trophy mom she is.


  1. I was wondering the same thing while Emily was chewing out all the guys. Ummm, hello. Doug said something. That's how you know, silly girl...

    Emily and Jef make me SO uncomfortable to watch. She looks like a total cougar in his presence and he looks like a little boy. Super awkward.

  2. My one and only motivation to wake up on Wednesdays is this post.

  3. I NEVER watch this show but ALWAYS read your recaps because they're so hilarious. But I did catch it the other night and was just wondering, is that really her voice?!

  4. The Chloe handbag thing was a dead giveaway. A straight guy from Utah knows there is such a thing as a Chloe handbag? I think not.

    I have a bad feeling that Daddy Doug gets sent home next week. He wasn't in any of the island shots from the previews. I'm disappointed, I liked him, but I guess I shouldn't wish the emotional trauma on his young son if he ended up with Emily.

    Ryan's scarf was really weird. Maybe the producers made him do it?

  5. Nice work, Sara! This recap is phenomenal.

    And, in case you were wondering, I'm going to Oakland to find Alejandro and make him mine. I too, found myself taken by him throughout the season (despite the minimal camera time) and the dude is the shit! He's 25 and a sustainable entrepreneur. I mean, he's given a TED talk for fuck's sake! Obvi, the brother was way too legit for Em, and I think he can do better, and by better, I mean me.

    Can't wait for next week's post!

  6. LOOOOOVe your posts!

  7. thanks everyone for reading and for all of your comments! Um, I am really pissed off on behalf of Alejandro now. First of all, no one told me he went to berkeley. That's my alma mater. Second, the show made it sound like he was a migrant farmer. And you know he went on the show just to get attention for his business and he never did! Sadly, I don't like mushrooms but sassy pants, you need to find him and make him love you and marry him!

  8. Like everyone else, I'm sufferIng through this series so I can read your posts and exclaim, "EXACTLY!!!"
    Was late getting to this one so have been reading it during commercials of tonight's episode. Don't want to spoil anything here, but pleeeeease notice Marty McFly's reaction when told he'd be wearing a kilt/skirt. GIddy much? Uh-huh.
    Anyway, thanks for keeping me laughing!

  9. Thank you so much for reading! Oh m-g. McFly is gayer than chris harrison. Why is Emily so clueless??

  10. Little Ricki is so not cute.