Wednesday, June 20, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

Sometimes I feel like Emily Maynard is my own bad karma.  Like after all the posts where I made fun of Ali "raised by wolves" Fedotowsky and Ashley "Perfackt Cupcake" Hebert...this is what I get.  I never realized just how good we had it, people.

Ali was less blonde, wore converse, and drove cars.  Ashley kept Vaseline by her bedside, cried a lot, and had her own weird doggy voice.  They were fun and interesting and pretty much the coolest women in the world compared to West Virginia Hood Rat.  Damn.  I miss those girls!

Anyway, this incredibly boring season of The Bachelorette continues in Croatia.  Which, if you haven't heard is the new cool place to go to these days.  The episode already starts off on a bad foot when we learn that Emily has sent Little Ricki packing.  Yup, it's true.  Ricki had to head back to North Carolina so that mommy could stay focused on whoring herself out to the remaining eight guys.  I wonder how that all went down.  Do you think Little Ricki demanded to fly first class?  Do you think she has the goods on Chris Harrison and has been black mailing him the whole time?  Do you think she's currently meeting with lawyers to have herself emancipated from her mother?

OH MY GOD.  Do you think Little Ricki will be the next bachelorette?!?!?

The guys arrive in Croatia and they're totally shocked to see how gorgeous it is.  They assumed it was ravaged and war-torn.  Who am I kidding?  They've never heard of Croatia.  Except for Jef, because he's hip to the gay night life.  Travis probably thought it was the birthplace of Borat.  Arie had to explain to Travis that Borat isn't a real person.  Doug had to tell them all to shut up, because they don't know what it's like to have a kid.  And the Wolf, well-- the wolf just hung back and laughed to himself.

Side note, the most interesting factoid that came out of tonight's episode is that Ryan Roids plucks the hair on his knuckles.

Apparently, Chris Harrison was stuck in London getting his stomach pumped after he accidentally took ten Quaaludes and drank two bottles of Wild Turkey, because Emily arrived to the guys' hotel room to present the first date card.  She gives it to Travis.

Sadly, I have no idea what a date card is, because Chris Harrison isn't doing his job and isn't here to explain it to me.  But, if I did know what a one on one date was, I'd say that I'd have a bad feeling Travis is going to be sent home.  Everyone knows if you get your first one on one date this late into the season, that means you're getting the boot.

Travis and Emily walk around Croatia, eat ice cream, and try to climb some love wall.  Honestly, the details are all hazy, because I was plucking my knuckle hairs while watching.  We haven't really seen much of Travis, but he's the guy that brought Shelly the Ostrich egg along for the ride.  Em forced him to break the egg, because there was no way they'd get that shit through customs once they left Charlotte.    Anyway, there's something really kind of endearing and earnest about leggo my eggo.  We learn that he was engaged, but broke up with his fiancee two years ago.  I feel bad for him, because I'm pretty sure she's the one that called it off.  Poor Mississippi Burning.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and the only thing I have to say about this is that Ryan is wearing a tank top that I used to own in 1999.  Someone please explain this to me.  I expected this from Marty McFly, but not Ryan.  I'm not even sure any of my gay friends would be caught dead in that tank top.

Travis and Emily have dinner together and as I predicted, she tells him that she can't picture herself ever fucking him and sends him home.  Honestly, they did feel a little more like siblings than 8th boyfriend and girlfriend, but poor guy didn't even get to spend an entire day in Croatia.  Also, was it just me or did Queen Emily totally look like she was about to start laughing when she sent him home?  She was doing that whole "trying not to laugh" thing where she was biting the inside of her cheek.  I swear.  Re-watch that shit.  Travis leaves, which is honestly fine, because I kept forgetting he was even still on the show.  I was really confused by the continuity on last night's show, because they have clips of Travis talking about how sad he is to be sent home, but he's wearing a totally different shirt than he was wearing when Em dumped him.  WTF?   Anyway, just when we thought Travis was a total softie and had a good heart, he throws a fucking umbrella to the ground while he's walking in the rain in Croatia.  What did the umbrella do to deserve that?  It was just protecting him from the rain.  Does that Rihanna song mean nothing to him?

Group date time.  Wait.  Allow me to rephrase that.  A long commercial for the Pixar movie Brave time.  I'm not gonna lie, I thought this integration was pretty genius.  And not just b/c I'm friends with the guy that's in charge of on-air integrations at ABC (#humblebrag).  Even though it's slightly creepy to watch grown men watching a cartoon, the clips from the movie were definitely the highlight of last night's episode.  And if I didn't think Emily was a bad mom before, well, this was a new low.  How dare she not wait to see Brave with Little Ricki?  She better be careful when she goes back to North Carolina.  Her little Chloe Handbag might conveniently drug her chardonnay and push her down their spiral staircase for this.

In honor of the movie, the guys learn they'll have to wear kilts and do some sort of Scottish competition thing which would be cool if they were in Scotland and not in Croatia.  But that's just a minor detail.  I'm pretty sure when they got the news about the kilts, jef with one f totally did a happy dance, gushed about his love for plaid, and revealed that he brought his favorite pair of knee socks along.

Chris, lover of Bobbleheads is surprisingly the worst at this little strength competition.  He totally can't shoot a bow and arrow, throw a log, or do this weird thing where he has to fight Doug for a long stick thing.  Basically, he would totally be the first to die in the Hunger Games.   I'm kind of bummed out about this, because back when Chris and Emily had to climb a building together, I was filling out my bachelorette bracket and I voted him the winner of the final rose, but now I'm not so sure.  He just doesn't look that hot in a sleeveless tank top and I really feel like Emily either wants someone who's super macho or definitely gay and Chris is neither of those things.  BUT, she takes pity on him and gives him the trophy for being the bravest.

All I can really think about during this sequence is what Ryan is doing in the hotel all by himself. Aside from definitely masturbating, injecting himself with steroids, and plucking his body hair.  Probably writing a new and improved version of the bible.

Cocktail party time!  I know everyone loves Arie, but there's something about him that bugs me.  Maybe it's that I throw up a little bit every time he and Emily make out.  Or that he has too many grey hairs for how old he is.  Or that his eyes keep getting smaller and smaller.  Or that he has an "e" at the end of his name.  I'm still hoping the big reveal will be that he's actually been possessed by the soul of big Ricky just like Whoopi Goldberg/Patrick Swayze in Ghost.

I think Sean might also be a front-runner, but every time he has a conversation with Queen Emily, he looks like he's about to prematurely ejaculate all over himself.  More importantly, I just don't understand why it doesn't occur to Emily that McFly is GAY.  Even my husband caught this part of the show and as soon as he saw Jef in his tight fitted plaid button down and skinny tie and his flock of seagulls haircut, he said he was gay.  But maybe he's not gay.  Maybe he's just Mormon.  Like, I could see Julie from Real World New Orleans being all up in his grill.  West Viriginia hood rat gives him a hard time about waiting so long to kiss her and Jef says it's because he's scared of her.  Um, yes.  Because she has boobs and a vagina.  Gay men are terrified by all of those things.  Also, one of my most reliable gay friends told me that guys who refer to their wives as "best friends" are potentially in the closet-- which is exactly what Jef said he was looking for in a wife!  Bam.  Gay!   He tells Emily he has to tell her a secret and I'm practically rolling on the floor praying to Chris L's mom and her rainbows that he'll come out of the closet, but he doesn't.  I can't remember what the secret even was.  Seriously, who cares.  But it's Chris who comes out on top on this date when he plays him trump card and tells Emily he's falling in love with her, winning him the rose.  This is great and all, but I'm still in third place in my bachelorette bracket.

Ryan and Emily have their one on one date and basically the only reason I'm rooting for him is that I unfortunately kept him on my bachelorette bracket way too long.  I'm very creeped out by his hair and weird beard, but just in an effort to bug the husband, I keep telling him that he reminds me so much of Ryan.  And even though he really doesn't, there's a part of me that LOVES Ryan.  I'm not sure why.  I think maybe because he's the kind of douchey guy Emily belongs with.  And I love that he keeps thinking the trophy wife thing is a compliment.  He has no self awareness and it's incredibly amusing and makes this show semi-watchable.  Plus, it's like he and Emily have their own stupid people banter language going.

On their date, they get on a boat and eat oysters and I instantly hate Emily, because she's a hood rat who doesn't like oysters.  At dinner, Em shows up dressed like a trophy-- we're talking gold spray paint people.  Like she looks like one of those metallic street performers at Fisherman's Wharf.  Okay, not really, but seriously-- how awesome would that have been?!   Anyway, Roid face ruins everything by breaking out his list of the top 12 things he wants in a wife-- which I can sum up in two words: HOT and SUBSERVIENT.  Em schools him and says she just wants a happy family, but not a perfect family.  Ryan then smacks her across the face and says if she doesn't care about perfection, then why does she get daily botox injections in her face.  SNAP!  just kidding, that last part was my own private fantasy.  The best part of Emily not giving Ryan the rose is that he spends an entire segment trying to talk her into keeping him around.  I have to give this guy some credit.  He's smart enough to know that if he leaves this early, there's no way he'll get to be the next bachelor.

Em actually says that Ryan is one of the most attractive men she's ever seen (say what?) and that she's not sure if she's making the right decision (omg, she's so dumb) but let's him go anyway.  Em is such a conundrum.  Sometimes I think she's really stupid, but then other times she uses smart people words like "self-deprecating."  It's so confusing.

Ryan leaves Croatia, but not before telling the producers of the Bachelor to show what a great guy he is.  Clearly, the producers HATED this guy.  Reality TV shows never like to keep in scenes of people talking about the cameras, editing, the fact that they are on a TV show, etc.  But they were willing to break their cardinal rule to humiliate Ryan just a little more before he left.

The best part about someone getting sent home on a one on one date is when that random person shows up at the hotel to take their luggage.  I mean, that random luggage person could be Al-Qaeda and we'd never know it.   The reactions of the rest of the guys are always priceless-- it's always like NO. WAY.

Then, for absolutely no reason, we get a shot of a stray cat.

Arie decides to show up at Emily's door to tell her that she made the right decision for letting Ryan go home and that he wasn't good for her.  I'm very curious as to how this works on the show.  Does the contestant approach the producers about allowing them to make a surprise visit or do they just pick one of the guys to randomly show up?  And I don't understand why Em is so grateful to Arie and makes out with him again.   Shouldn't she say "Why didn't you tell me weeks ago Ryan was a bad guy?"  Then, Unchained Melody plays and they start slow dancing and Em gives him a rose, but not really because the rose ceremony is tomorrow.  Arie tells the viewers, but not Emily, that he's totally in love with her.

I thought for sure this was the scene that Arie spilled his secret to Emily, but there's no mention of it.  Instead, in the scenes for next week's episode Chris Harrison just gives it all away.  I still won't spoil it in case you guys are hermits who don't read Us Weekly or hit refresh on every four minutes.

Rose ceremony time.  Let's cut to the chase.  Emily says that the Wolf and Daddy Doug are on the bubble.  The Wolf decides to talk about his dead grandparents in a last ditch effort to stick around.  He tells Emily that he carries around his grandparent's funeral cards in his wallet which could mean one of two things: #1 he really misses his grandparents #2 he's a hoarder.   Next, it's Doug's turn to try and convince Emily to keep him there.  Can we discuss that Doug has no game?  The man is thirty-three years old and his best move was a letter from his eleven year old son.  He hasn't even KISSED Emily.  Even Gay McFly has kissed her.  Instead, all he can do is rub his thumb against the excess skin on her waist.  Oh, and total conspiracy.  In all the interview shots where Doug discusses that he took one step backwards with Emily-- he's not wearing the same shirt that he's wearing at the cocktail party.  What the hell is that about?

In a shocking twist, Chris Harrison shows up for the first time in this episode.  He kicks off the rose ceremony, then bails.  Em gives a rose to Sean, Arie, and Jef...leaving one more rose for either Doug or The Wolf.  She suddenly leaves the rose ceremony and chases Chris Harrison down in an alley way, just before a production assistant was about to give him a blow job.  They totally try to make it look like Emily is going to get rid of both Doug and the Wolf, but then it turns out Chris Harrison has to work double time for his paycheck this week by returning to the ceremony with an extra rose.  Doug and Wolf get an extra week to prove their love and devotion to Emily.  This is sort of like how the American Idol judges get one save every season.

Whoa.  Can't wait for next week when the show travels to Prague and Chris Harrison gets to troll the red light district.  Love you Harrison.  Love you forever.  Emily, not so much.  I want to go San Jose, silicon valley, HTML, santana row on her ass.


  1. thank god for you because this season seems way too boring to watch. another season where i'd much rather read your recaps.

  2. I feel like they really need to switch up the whole premise of the bachelorette and make it two women competing against each other for 25 men. That would be so much more interesting.

  3. Little Ricki is definitely getting emancipated and moving to the back woods of West Virginia in the hopes that no cameras will ever be around her again!

  4. Seriously! I feel bad for Ricky's parents, they must be horrified by all this.