Wednesday, June 27, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Here's the plan everyone.  Let's all get together, make some picket signs, and carpool it over to ABC to protest this season of The Bachelorette.  Here's the top five reasons why we need to mobilize:

5.  Little Ricki would want us to.
4.  Chris Harrison is working way too hard this season.  Those Chinese children in the iPad factories have nothing on him.
3.  Emily is effing boring.  Or she's just over-botoxed. The jury's out.
2.  Jef is gay.
1.  To demand to see the Arie/Emily/Producer Cassie footage.

Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, let's get on with the recap.  The episode begins in Prague where I finally get my wish!  No more shots of Emily showing Little Ricki around!  We finally get those awesome pensive "who should I allow to invade my vagina" scenes.  Emily opens a window.  Emily goes for a stroll.  Emily uses the word Y'all way too much.

The guys arrive and meet up with Chris Harrison so he can explain the rules of the game for the gazzillionth time.  In a crazy turn of events, I actually needed a refresher on the rules at this stage in the season.  Emily will have three one on one dates and one group date.  There will be no roses given out on the one on one dates, but there will be a rose on the group date.  Bam.

Arie gets the first one on one date card which puts Bobble-headed Chris into a tailspin.  Ugh.  Chris.  Pull it together!  I put you down as the final winner in my bracket.  I know you'll never make it that far, but can you at least make it to the hometown dates?!  The crazy insecure guys always get sent home.

Arie and Emily go out on what feels like their tenth one on one date.  Guys, I still can't decide if Arie is hot.  Sometimes I think he is, but sometimes I think he could also play Balki in a remake of Perfect Strangers.  Anyway, they walk around Prague, talk about how pretty it is, and drink hot wine.  And here I thought Ali Fedoweirdlastname was a drunk, but Emily is boozing it up a lot this season.   These two will not stop making out.  They are totally that annoying couple that you'd never want to be stuck hanging out with.   It's just you and them at dinner and yet they think it's totally appropriate to whisper to each other and make out the whole time.  Little Ricki will have none of this!

We learn that Emily has some info about Arie that he hasn't been upfront about.  Emily's pissed off about this, but do you know who's really pissed off about it?  Chris Harrison.  Because he has to stand in front of the bachelor house and explain the whole sitch to us.  This is like one extra hour of work for him.  Please tell me the man gets paid overtime.  Arie used to date one of the producers of the show.  BUT how many times did Harrison have to say "very briefly."  Like how brief is brief?  They went out on one five minute date together?  They sat across from each other in speed dating?  They had a one night stand, but it was just the tip so it didn't really count?   Anyway, the producers name is Cassie Lambert and I want to beat her up, because I hold her solely responsible for how boring this show is.

Emily decides that she needs to confront Arie about not telling her the truth, she drops a couple F bombs while discussing the whole thing with Cassie, and then she begins to talk to Arie about how important honesty and loyalty are.  We get about forty minutes of build to the big confrontation...only to be told by fucking Harrison that "unfortunately" it took place OFF CAMERA.

THE FUCK?!?!?!

Are you really trying to tell me there was no cameras on for this conversation?  Effing Queen Hood Rat.  I swear to God, if Emily told ABC to bomb Disneyland, they would do it.  They are bending over backwards for this woman-- cause you know she didn't want to confront Arie on camera.  Do they not realize how boring the show has been this season?  Do we not deserve some excitement?  My theory is that Arie wins the whole show and the producers didn't want any sort of scandal to surround him and Emily.  They were never going to mention this on the show-- otherwise, why wouldn't they have promoted the shit out of it on the clips for the upcoming season??  But Us Weekly is smarter than them and once it got on the internet, they knew they had to address it.   But stupid Us Weekly made it sound like she kicked him off the show the second she found out the truth.  Wrong.  Big Ricky ressurrected for the win, y'all.

That night, Arie and Hood Rat have dinner and he says "I love you" to her.  Let's just think about this for a second.  If this was the real world, Arie basically told Emily that he loves her after their second date.  Doesn't Emily realize that there's no way in hell he could be in love with her this fast?  The man is lying.

Oh, side note.  We also find out that Arie had a chick's name tattooed on him, but he had it covered up. You know what would be SO awesome?  If after proposing to Emily, he tore his suit open and there was a picture of Little Ricki tattooed on his chest.  Awww.  Sigh.

The next one on one date goes to "the wolf" AKA John, AKA how the hell is this guy still on the show?!   I'm super disappointed in John's outfit for his date with West Virginia.  He's wearing a button down shirt with some stupid zippy sweater thing over it with a pair of dockers.  Is this guy from the mid-west?   Get some cooler clothes, wolf-man.  We are forced to sit through another excruciating date where Emily and the big bad wolf walk around Prague and she pretends she knows words like "communism" and "music."  It's seriously laughable to watch her discuss anything other than being a single mom, being a hood rat, and Brad Womack.  They paint a boat on the John Lennon wall in honor of Bermuda, because that's where the wolf probably managed to get laid on the side while waiting for his two on one date with Nate-Dogg.

Thank God the wolf changed his outfit for dinner.  He looks much better.  He finally decides to open up to Emily about his past relationships and we learn that the last girl he really loved cheated on him---wait for it-- with "this doctor dude."  The nerve!  How could she cheat on him with a doctor dude?!  I feel kind of bad for Teen Wolf part three, but didn't he tell Em's schlubby mom friends that he's cheated on a girlfriend before?  Or was that Alessandrio who cheated on his cousin?  John keeps telling Emily that she's going to love his family.  Apparently, he's from a town called Forks in Washington and his arch nemesis is this guy named Edward and his parents are Native American werewolves.  It's also kind of weird that John applies the starter/closer analogy to his relationship with Hood Rat.  This is kind of gross, but all I can picture is Em having sex with Jef with her eyes closed and then half way he slips out so John can come in and close.  Am I perverted?

The Wolf returns from his date and brags to all the guys about how great it went.  Chris's penis literally falls off his body and shatters into a million little pieces.  Sean decides that he's going to run all over Prague until he finds Emily.  Wait, what?!   Why is this happening?  When Arie wanted to go sneak up to Em's room in Croatia, he didn't have to run all over the country 'til he found her.  The producers just took him straight there.  But then again, the reincarnation of Big Ricky does deserve to get special treatment. We, however, are forced to watch some really embarrassing and stupid scenes of Sean running around town yelling "EMILY!!!!" and then he turns the corner in some alley way and she's just standing there doing NOTHING.  She's literally not even walking.  She's just standing there, uh, obviously waiting for him per orders from Cassie the slutty producer.  I still feel like every time Sean talks to Emily his voice is gonna crack and that the reason he turns red is that he's trying really hard not to come in his pants.  He's like an Emily uber-fan.  But they still end up having a giant make out session against a wall where Sean continues to have a major love affair with Emily's upper lip.

Group date time.  Personally, I'm pretty pissed that I have to sit through another one on one date between Emily and Gay McFly.  Just when I thought this season couldn't get worse!  Also, poor Doug the Dad didn't get a single one on one date ALL SEASON.  Anyway, it's raining and Doug, Chris, and Sean go to hang out with Emily in a castle.  WTF.  Castles are the new helicopters this season.  If I have to see another castle again, I'm going to...probably do nothing and continue to write these recaps.

Let's jump to the most awkward part of this terrible group date.  After having yet another really uncomfortable conversation with Daddy Daycare Doug, Queen Em decides that she can no longer stomach him.  So, here's the deal.  Doug is definitely a little douchey, but he seems pretty nice.  And you have to kind of feel bad for him.  He's 33 and has an 11 year old.  That means he was 22 when he became a dad.  And he basically has the game of a 16 year old.  He didn't kiss Emily at all this season, but when it was totally obvious that she was about to dump him-- he went in for the kiss.  CRINGE!   I was so embarrassed for the poor guy.  Daddy Dougie should have seen the writing on the wall big time.  And if he wanted to make women all across America swoon, here's how he should have played it: Doug should have dumped Emily.  Seriously.  He should have told her that he's respectfully taking himself out of the running, because even though he really likes her, they haven't gotten to know each other well enough for him to introduce her to his son.  We're talking next bachelor potential right there.

But news flash to all the Bachelor/Bachelorettes out there.  You're not actually being a nice person by not making someone wait 'til the rose ceremony to get dumped.  That's where it's acceptable to get dumped.  When you give them the boot in the middle of the date, it's like saying you don't want to be around them for a second longer than you have to.  I'm not gonna feel too bad for Doug though.  I'm pretty sure he's going to find love on The Bachelor Pad.  And if I had to pick a girl for him, it would be that chick from Ben F's season who raised her siblings and tried to give Ben step by step kissing lessons.  She and Doug would be perfect together!

So, Doug leaves and cries about it, and then we're left with a really awkward two on one date between Sean and Chris.  I'm so ashamed that I picked Chris as the winner of the show.  He's starting to get all weird and panicky.  It's not hot.  Get a grip, Christopher!  Needless to say, Sean gets the rose on the  date and Chris looks like he wishes he had a gun so he could shoot them both in the face.

Next, Emily gets to hang out with her gay best friend.  Oops.  What I meant to say is that she has a one on one date with Jef.  They do what every straight man in Prague dreams of: shopping for marionettes.  He does manage to impress Emily by going back in the store to buy Little Ricki a doll too, but I'm pretty sure the only reason he does that is because he knows Little Ricki means business and that she has way better gaydar than her mom and Jef needs to get on her good side if he's going to convince her to let him stay on the down low.

Okay.  I'm not making this shit up.  After they buy the marionettes, they go to this really pretty library and do a little puppet show reenactment of all their conversations on the show.  I believe Jef says "I love you" to Emily for the first time via puppet.  He also tells her he really likes her nail polish.  Um.  I get a pedicure every two weeks and I don't think my husband has ever complimented the color of my toe nail polish or even noticed it, except for once when it was bright pink and he said it looked trashy.

MCFLY: YOU ARE GAY.  It's okay.  We promise.  Come out of the closet.  It gets better!  Did you guys catch in the interview when he says "I'm crazy about a girl."  He's as shocked by this whole thing as we are.  I've got a theory on Jef though.  I'm pretty sure he was sent on the show by one of those reprogramming camps where they try and turn you straight.  And that they're going to make a recruitment video out of all this footage.  I mean, remember when he tells Em that his parents won't be able to meet her because they are in South Carolina committed to some stuff???  I bet they run the conversion camp!  In all seriousness, it's super shady that his parents can't meet Emily.  It's not like they're in Antarctica.  They're in South Carolina.  Em lives in North Carolina.  The show can go to them if need be.  What's the deal?  You can't exactly agree to marry a guy without meeting his parents and making sure they aren't crazy.  I mean, those people are going to be Little Ricki's step-grandparents.

Then Jef says something about how he doesn't want to live together before getting married.  Basically, he wants to spend as little time with her as possible so he can stay gay longer.  Where is Cassie the producer when you need her?  Is everyone behind the scenes just completely horrified and bewildered by Jef-ily?

As though this library make out session couldn't get any worse, McFly turns to Emily and says:
"I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you."  I had to rewind it like three times.  What is happening?  I have a theory about all this.  I think Chris Harrison has been the Ryan Gosling to Jef's Steve Carrell but he's giving him all the wrong advice on purpose (compliment her nail polish, don't kiss her, wear knee socks with shorts, say things like "i want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you.")  The bizarre thing is, Emily is totally falling for it.

Rose ceremony time.  FINALLY.  Chris feels like an A-hole for nearly murdering Emily after she gave Sean the group date rose and he's dying to talk to her before she hands out roses.  BUT, Emily know exactly what she wants to do and in a shocking and gutsy move, she decides she wants to skip straight to the rose ceremony.  Chris Harrison's reaction is priceless.  He looks like someone just told him he has Chlamydia.  I think what's really going on here is that Emily caught sight of her reflection and realized she was wearing the world's most hideous and unflattering bright blue glittery gown and she desperately wanted to limit its screen time.  I have a pretty good feeling at this point that Chris is going to manage to snag a hometown rose, because The Wolf is just way too overly confident.  Nine times out of ten, when a guy says he's confident he's going to get a rose, he's automatically disqualified.  But before Hood Rat can hand out the last rose, she says y'all about a thousand times and then Chris asks her if he can talk to her.  He takes her aside and basically apologizes for acting like a two year old and promises he will give her oral sex everyday for the rest of her life if she agrees to meet his parents.  They head back to the rose ceremony and Chris gets the rose.  The wolf is sent packing, but not before he gets a hug from gay McFly who says "i love you" to him.  I'm not kidding.  Chris looks like he's going to faint, he's so darn happy.

Sadly, I think next week's show is going to be a boring mess, because all we see in the episode preview are out of focus shots of Emily with all four guys, followed by her crying to Chris Harrison about sending someone home.  LAME.   I wish I could go back and change my bracket, but unless someone's family is straight out of leather face's in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then I'm pretty sure our final 3 are Jef, Arie, and Sean.  What do you guys think?  Comment below.

7 comments:

  1. I want to read your recaps so hard and then share the FUCK out of them :). You are the best. I think Gay McFly might actually somehow have it in the bag.

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  2. this post is absolutely freaking hilarious. clayton and i just read through it (he grew up with the "wolf-man") neither one of us could stop laughing. well done once again. i agree about your final three and ALSO about your Arie comment about how he looks good here and not-so-good there...keep 'em coming!!!

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    1. Thanks for reading guys! Is it just me or is Arie's dad kind of hot?!

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  3. I loved when The Wolf said he'd "hit it outta the park" on his 1-on-1. I can't imagine thinking in those terms about my love life. These people must be manufactured on a man-made concrete island somewhere- horrific! and hilarious, thanks to you.

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    1. omg, so true! It's basically a competition to be the winner, so you can break up with emily in six months and be the next bachelor

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  4. Arie = John Travolta, the early years.

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