Tuesday, June 12, 2012
a girl's guide to ASSHOLES
Posted by saaara
Girls love assholes.
…Not the body part. In fact, stay far far away from there.
I’m talking about “asshole” in layman’s terms:
“An obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered male who women can’t seem to get enough of.” - Urbandictionary.com
As much as we deny it, as much as we hate ourselves for it, as much as we tell ourselves that we will grow out of it… we know deep down inside that we will be shamefully pining after the douchebag who left us in the middle of the night much more than the sweetheart making us breakfast in the morning.
Los Angeles appears to be a breeding ground for these overly confident dick waggers, so I feel it is my duty as a Los Angelina and writer to report on my findings so that girls in this city (and others) can commiserate.
Why Do We Love Assholes?
George Clooney to Bam Margera, we’re so caught up in his original swagger that we choose to barely acknowledge the fact that he’s texting another girl while simultaneously trying to unhook our bra. Once we get that initial glimpse of his charm, it’s enough to warp our minds into neglecting the glaringly obvious douchebaggery and instead we choose to hunt for the good (that we later realize isn’t there).
Types of Assholes:
I want to be clear about something before I continue: ex-boyfriends are not always assholes. Sometimes relationships have to end, and sometimes he’s the one doing the ending, and as much as it sucks, you can’t go applying the “asshole” label all willynilly because that is just plain unfair.
That being said, there are all sorts of other kinds of assholes, such as:
· The ACTUAL Ex-Boyfriend Asshole: The guy who cheats on you, abuses you emotionally or physically, the guy who takes you for granted, hits on your friends in front of you, or is a dick to your parents. He deserves the asshole label and whatever unfortunate things that happen to his car following the breakup.
· The Industry Asshole: The guy who thinks he is God’s gift to not only women, but the world, because he met Michael Fassbender that one time when he was working as an intern to an assistant to a coordinator at a small production company producing a project that will likely never come to fruition. I’m starting to realize that the only real power these Hollywoodies have is the ability to get table service at over-crowded clubs. But I guess to some girls that’s the whole attraction… so… to each her own?
· The Nice Guy Asshole: The guy who takes you for a proper date, pays for dinner, holds your hand, takes you back to his apartment for a movie and then promptly kicks you out when you tell him you’re not ready to have sex with him. He’ll say something along the lines of “Well I’m really tired, you should probably get going” and then climb into his bed and shut out the light before you’ve even started walking to the door.
· The Typical Asshole: We all know this one: the perfect guy until you have sex with him… and then you never see him again. Just pretend that he died - it’ll save you a lot of trouble and analysis. Or you can simply tell yourself the following: this guy was looking for a stroked dick and a stroked ego… and once he’s gotten both, he’s out of there. And he’s not worth it. Because he wasn’t even that good in bed anyway, when you really think about it.
· The “Text Message Sweetheart” Asshole: The guy who you don’t actually know that well other than from what you’ve gathered from text messages, emails, facebook, etc. Maybe you’ve met once or twice, exchanged info, and have continued a budding friendship/relationship electronically. He’ll tell you cute things, check in to see how you’re doing, send you sweet “good morning” texts when he wakes up… but when you hang out in person, he’s awkward, annoying, and kind of a scumbag. He’s the type of guy who gives great phone, but not a whole lot else.
· The Adventurous Loser Asshole: The guy who justifies unemployment by making it seem like it was his own decision. Often says things along the lines of “I didn’t want to be tied down by a job, I got the fuck out of there cause I want to do my own thing, travel, etc.” Usually this means that he was fired from his job at The Olive Garden for constantly hoarding breadsticks in his apron and has no other opportunities for employment outside of jury duty which is mandatory anyway and doesn’t pay. His spontaneous road trips, travel plans and camping excursions aren’t sexy and fun — they’re out of necessity because what the fuck else is he going to do with his life? And if he “forgets his wallet” at dinner more than once, you need to run and not look back.
· The Frat Asshole: The guy who never left the glory days of his Fraternity basement and position as Chapter Social Chair. The guy for whom every weekend is still a day-drinking extravaganza complete with bitches and kegs and lacrosse pinneys, and who works at his dad’s company during the week where he demands far more respect than deserved because he’s the bosses kid. Often makes promises he can’t keep and has an UrbanDictionary app on his iPhone in case the girl he’s trying to text-pick-up uses a word he’s never heard of.
· The Sensitive Asshole: The guy who has all sorts of problems, maybe stemming from his childhood, or a past relationship, and decides that you’re the person who’s going to have to pay for it. He’ll treat you like shit, he’ll expect you to take on all of his issues, and he expects you to do it because you’ve seen him cry and you love him enough to feel his pain. Typically will justify asshole behavior by saying something like “I TOLD you about this when we first started dating, you KNEW this about me” thereby making you feel guilty because he did in fact warn you. But note to self: warning somebody about being an asshole does not negate the fact that HE IS AN ASSHOLE. He’s just a very self-aware asshole.
· The Smiley Face Asshole: The guy who texts you heinously inappropriate or rude things (not in a cute way) and follows them with a smiley, winky, or tongue-sticking-out face. Simply respond with the following: Awww. Fuck you :) ;) :-P
Asshole guys can be fun. But in the end, they’re never worth it. And perhaps part of the excitement of clinging to these badboys is the idea that we can change them…that there’s something about us that will grab ahold of their tainted soul and help them see the light.
But that doesn’t happen.
So give that cute dorky guy who wants to take you to the movies this weekend a chance. Let him hold your hand. It can’t hurt, right?