Tuesday, June 12, 2012

a girl's guide to ASSHOLES

Brilliant guest post from my new favorite loyal reader, Shira H.  Someone needs to give this girl a book deal:

Girls love assholes.

…Not the body part. In fact, stay far far away from there.

I’m talking about “asshole” in layman’s terms:

“An obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered male who women can’t seem to get enough of.” - Urbandictionary.com

As much as we deny it, as much as we hate ourselves for it, as much as we tell ourselves that we will grow out of it… we know deep down inside that we will be shamefully pining after the douchebag who left us in the middle of the night much more than the sweetheart making us breakfast in the morning.

Los Angeles appears to be a breeding ground for these overly confident dick waggers, so I feel it is my duty as a Los Angelina and writer to report on my findings so that girls in this city (and others) can commiserate.

Why Do We Love Assholes?

Speaking from my own experiences, it’s because we usually can’t tell the guy is a turdfucker right away. We can only see his positive traits — the traits that we later realize only lend to his turdfuckerness: good looks, confidence, charisma, a sense of humor, energy, social skills, spontaneity. And who doesn’t love that? It sucks us in, it’s refreshing, it’s fun — so much fun, in fact, that when he flips the switch from George Clooney to Bam Margera, we’re so caught up in his original swagger that we choose to barely acknowledge the fact that he’s texting another girl while simultaneously trying to unhook our bra. Once we get that initial glimpse of his charm, it’s enough to warp our minds into neglecting the glaringly obvious douchebaggery and instead we choose to hunt for the good (that we later realize isn’t there).

Types of Assholes:

I want to be clear about something before I continue: ex-boyfriends are not always assholes. Sometimes relationships have to end, and sometimes he’s the one doing the ending, and as much as it sucks, you can’t go applying the “asshole” label all willynilly because that is just plain unfair.

That being said, there are all sorts of other kinds of assholes, such as:

· The ACTUAL Ex-Boyfriend Asshole: The guy who cheats on you, abuses you emotionally or physically, the guy who takes you for granted, hits on your friends in front of you, or is a dick to your parents. He deserves the asshole label and whatever unfortunate things that happen to his car following the breakup.

· The Industry Asshole: The guy who thinks he is God’s gift to not only women, but the world, because he met Michael Fassbender that one time when he was working as an intern to an assistant to a coordinator at a small production company producing a project that will likely never come to fruition. I’m starting to realize that the only real power these Hollywoodies have is the ability to get table service at over-crowded clubs. But I guess to some girls that’s the whole attraction… so… to each her own?

· The Nice Guy Asshole: The guy who takes you for a proper date, pays for dinner, holds your hand, takes you back to his apartment for a movie and then promptly kicks you out when you tell him you’re not ready to have sex with him. He’ll say something along the lines of “Well I’m really tired, you should probably get going” and then climb into his bed and shut out the light before you’ve even started walking to the door.

· The Typical Asshole: We all know this one: the perfect guy until you have sex with him… and then you never see him again. Just pretend that he died - it’ll save you a lot of trouble and analysis. Or you can simply tell yourself the following: this guy was looking for a stroked dick and a stroked ego… and once he’s gotten both, he’s out of there. And he’s not worth it. Because he wasn’t even that good in bed anyway, when you really think about it.

· The “Text Message Sweetheart” Asshole: The guy who you don’t actually know that well other than from what you’ve gathered from text messages, emails, facebook, etc. Maybe you’ve met once or twice, exchanged info, and have continued a budding friendship/relationship electronically. He’ll tell you cute things, check in to see how you’re doing, send you sweet “good morning” texts when he wakes up… but when you hang out in person, he’s awkward, annoying, and kind of a scumbag. He’s the type of guy who gives great phone, but not a whole lot else.

· The Adventurous Loser Asshole: The guy who justifies unemployment by making it seem like it was his own decision. Often says things along the lines of “I didn’t want to be tied down by a job, I got the fuck out of there cause I want to do my own thing, travel, etc.” Usually this means that he was fired from his job at The Olive Garden for constantly hoarding breadsticks in his apron and has no other opportunities for employment outside of jury duty which is mandatory anyway and doesn’t pay. His spontaneous road trips, travel plans and camping excursions aren’t sexy and fun — they’re out of necessity because what the fuck else is he going to do with his life? And if he “forgets his wallet” at dinner more than once, you need to run and not look back.

· The Frat Asshole: The guy who never left the glory days of his Fraternity basement and position as Chapter Social Chair. The guy for whom every weekend is still a day-drinking extravaganza complete with bitches and kegs and lacrosse pinneys, and who works at his dad’s company during the week where he demands far more respect than deserved because he’s the bosses kid. Often makes promises he can’t keep and has an UrbanDictionary app on his iPhone in case the girl he’s trying to text-pick-up uses a word he’s never heard of.

· The Sensitive Asshole: The guy who has all sorts of problems, maybe stemming from his childhood, or a past relationship, and decides that you’re the person who’s going to have to pay for it. He’ll treat you like shit, he’ll expect you to take on all of his issues, and he expects you to do it because you’ve seen him cry and you love him enough to feel his pain. Typically will justify asshole behavior by saying something like “I TOLD you about this when we first started dating, you KNEW this about me” thereby making you feel guilty because he did in fact warn you. But note to self: warning somebody about being an asshole does not negate the fact that HE IS AN ASSHOLE. He’s just a very self-aware asshole.

· The Smiley Face Asshole: The guy who texts you heinously inappropriate or rude things (not in a cute way) and follows them with a smiley, winky, or tongue-sticking-out face. Simply respond with the following: Awww. Fuck you :) ;) :-P

In Summation:

Asshole guys can be fun. But in the end, they’re never worth it. And perhaps part of the excitement of clinging to these badboys is the idea that we can change them…that there’s something about us that will grab ahold of their tainted soul and help them see the light.

But that doesn’t happen.

So give that cute dorky guy who wants to take you to the movies this weekend a chance. Let him hold your hand. It can’t hurt, right?


  1. very insightful... love this post!!!

  2. Very funny and brilliantly done. You are definitely a talented writer (self-aware assholes, totally the worst!)

    My question is, WHY do SOME girls like assholes (not all do)?

    People scratch their heads at this, and it's pretty damn simple. In reality, most guys aren't assholes. You're talking about a minority subset of the male population. Believe it or not, most guys stand for something.

    Secondly, not all women seek out assholes. Of course bad boys are attractive, but a lot of women seek out a desirable mate. I'd say 90-percent of my friends are in healthy relationships or looking for one.

    If you're into fucked up guys, you're generally fucked up yourself. For every asshole out trying to get into Katsuya, there's an inconsolable bitch waiting to eat up his sashimi platter of bullshit. Most of these women are bipolar -- just like the assholes they love. More importantly, a lot of these women hate themselves. It's sad...they shouldn't

    I mean think about it, if you don't like a guy who makes you breakfast in bed and tells you you're beautiful, is it because you think he's a pushover or is it really because you don't think you deserve it.

    Damaged people attract each other. It's called co-dependency, usually treatable with lots of therapy and meds that zap your sex drive.

    So next time you ask "what's wrong with all these assholes?" you might want to ask "what's wrong with me?"

  3. Assholes are like bad blockbuster movies. Everyone knows they are bad. The plot is bad, the acting is bad, the visuals were good, but when it's all over you wish you hadn't wasted your time. So why did you go in the first place? Because it looked like it would be a fun time, and you had really high hopes that it amazing even though I was told by all the critics that it was a steaming pile of crap. Ladies every time you see a bad blockbuster movie or sleep with an asshole you only perpetuate more assholes and bad movies. If being an asshole gets you laid guys will continue to be assholes. If making bad movies makes the $$$ then Studios will continue to make shitty movies. It's easier to turn a dork into what you want than ween an asshole off all the action he is getting by being a douche-fuck. I'm just saying, Ladies you are 50% to blame for these peoples/movies existence.

  4. To be a good guy is to be punished by women between the ages of 16-29, and adhere to the golden rule without a loss of enthusiasm. The thing you are forgetting is that who you date is a self selecting process that uncovers what you really desires, if sadomasochism are the rules of the game, why not play to win?

    1. i love that women 16-29 are grouped together. let's leave the minors out of this, LOL!

  5. Let's not get assholes confused with douche bags. The katsuya visual is more of a douche bag issue than an asshole issue. A guy can be douchey and really nice, a guy can be an asshole and super hip and not douchey. If you are not sure which category you fall into, then stick to Katsuya in Studio City.

    Also, i think if you have a PATTERN of dating assholes and bad guys, then yes, maybe you need to work on yourself as well-- but i don't agree that every girl that's dated an asshole is damaged or needs therapy. I know plenty of very nice, smart, well adjusted females who have dated guys that were assholes. I think the one asshole that's missing from this list is the "asshole in sheep's clothing." We don't always know right off the bat that a guy is an asshole, generally when a relationship starts, everyone is on their best behavior. When the asshole tendencies come out later, then it can be a little trickier, because we've now gotten our emotions involved, invested our time and energy, and don't want our hopes to get dashed, so we keep fighting the good fight.

    I also think nice guys do go through temporary bouts of asshole-ism and that usually happens when they are dating a girl they're not that interested in. Bottom line, when a guy is crazy about a girl, it usually brings out the best in them.

    I dated a guy years ago that turned out to be an asshole, But I bet his current wife was thrilled to finally meet a guy that wasn't an asshole when they fell in love.

    Side note, why do so many guys like bitches?

    1. Guys, especially shy guys, like bitches because they're outgoing and generally, yes, they are physically attractive. They're drama, and they talk to everybody, so the shy guy thinks, "Hey, this girl likes me." not "Hey, this girl is USING me."

      So yes, we confuse them looking for attention for affection. I've been a serial bitch dater, and yes, I do wonder what's wrong with me that I keep going for them. It's my fault. And unless both genders learn to stop going for assholes and bitches, they won't go away.

    2. Sexual attraction can be blinding for us all at times. As can the allure of someone who has been successful in accumulating wealth and status. Our biology is only concerned with reproducing and our reasoning capabilities hasn't caught up with that biological aspect, at least not just yet. That's when it pays to have good friends and if you're lucky enough, non-dysfunctional family members that will step in and say "What the hell are you doing giving this person the time of day? Why is someone like this in your life?" Usually when I see people in co-dependent relationships, even so-called one-time offenders, I ask myself why they have no quality people in their lives to question their decisions and call bullshit when they try to lie to themselves about the situation. It's not easy for someone to play the part of Mr./Ms. Perfect only to turn evil suddenly and without warning. The only people who can truly pull that off convincingly are sociopaths and if you're falling for sociopaths, that's actually a much bigger problem than falling for the various types of assholes you have classified above.

  6. Oh, and for more on assholes:

  7. Saaara, you're right. My comments were more directed at chicks who constantly date assholes.

    Not sure why so many guys like bitches, maybe they watch too much reality TV. It's a condition of our condition

  8. oh totally. I think the co-dependent types will basically date anyone, nice, asshole, rich, poor, boring, smart, stupid. it's sort of like russian dating roulette and that if they guy is actually nice and cool, they randomly got lucky.

  9. Superb article! I seem to have met ONLY and ONLY assholes :|

  10. Great post! I recognize a lot of those assholes. Sadly, I think I have dated all of them! SNARKY and I love it. My entire blog is dedicated to each and every one of them.