Tuesday, July 3, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

Little Ricki is back, bitches!  The highly anticipated hometown date episode begins with Queen Emily making a quick stop over to her kingdom of Charlotte so that the producers can get some obligatory footage of her being a perfect mom.  Except, she's actually the worst mom in the world, because she's pretty much abandoned her daughter for a reality TV show.  She's even worse than a stage mom.  At least those nut jobs let their kids be the famous ones.  Anyway.  Do you guys really think she had her reunion with Little Ricki on camera?  If so, that's borderline abusive.   I don't know.  Little Ricki is kind of weird.  I can never understand what she says and she laughs too much.  And what's up with those braids in her hair?  She's totally trying to look gangsta.  Do you think when Emily is gone, Little Ricki hangs out with the mom crew and they all snort bath salts together and watch Dora the Explorer marathons?  I do.

Anyway, after having to spend an exhausting hour with her burdensome daughter, Hood Rat is off to Chicago for her very first hometown date with Chris.  I'm fairly certain at this point that Chris is the underdog (which sucks, cause he was my final pick for my bachelorette bracket) and now I'm also fairly certain he's going to be sent home...because his parents are Polish immigrants.  Say what?!  I thought Chris was just your average fifth generation white boy.  But he speaks Polish?  And his dad has an accent?  Oh, he's finished.  NO way will Emily want Little Ricki around a bunch of foreigners.  I can't believe this is the first time we're finding this out about him.  If I knew he had family members with accents, I would have never picked him as the final rose recipient!

So, Chris meets Emily in Chicago.  He takes her to some empty Polish bar and they drink beer and have an awkward conversation about how Chris might have violent tendencies after he freaked out in Prague when Sean got the group date rose. Okay, so there's no real mention of violent tendencies, but Chris apologizes for shooting himself in the foot by being a hot mess at the last rose ceremony.  Queen Emily says that she likes that he can admit he's wrong, because obvi, Brad Womack was a self righteous bastard.   Chris takes Emily home and even though his dad has an accent and looks like he could be a retired mobster, his family is really sweet.  But Emily feels a little stiff and forced and she and Chris just don't feel like a couple at all.  It's more like he's the guy in college that has a crush on her and when she can't afford to fly home for Thanksgiving, he insists she come home with him and when she does she gets really confused when everyone treats them like they're dating.  It's basically the plot of a Jonah Hill movie called Just Friends, part 2.

Chris's dad takes Emily down to the basement where they can get to know each other a little better.  He talks about how great Chris is and that he is ready to be a dad, blah blah.  I'm pretty sure all the guys called their parents and said "when she asks you if I'm ready to be a dad, you say YES or I will fucking murder you in your sleep."  Now, this is where things get lost in translation.  Mr. Polish asks Emily if there's love there and she says yes.  That could mean anything.  She could love him like she loves manicures and hair bleach.  She could love him like a brother.  But Chris's dad runs off and tells Chris that Hood Rat said she was falling in love with him.  Not exactly what she said, but okay.   Emily also has a conversation with Renee, Chris's sister and I'm pretty sure there's some single white female shit going on here.  Renee is totally trying to look like Emily with her bleached blonde hair.  AND I'm guessing she's an avid viewer of the Bachelorette franchise and knows that the death nail in the coffin is "if he's not the one you're going to end up with, let him go sooner."  Um, bitch just stood between her brother and a fantasy suite date.  She's a total cock block!

Anyway, after freaking Emily out even more with some Polish dancers and musicians wearing outfits I'm pretty sure I've seen on the Small World ride, Chris and Emily say good bye and after false encouragement from his dad, Chris tells Emily he loves her.  Poor Chris.  I'm sure he will find love among the many dejected Bachelorettes from previous seasons.  I think he and KCB from Ben F's season would make a cute couple.

Next stop on the hometown date extravaganza is St. George, Utah to hang out with gay McFly.  Holy crap, McFly is even richer than I thought!  His parents own a giant ranch and he drives Emily around in some crazy car and then they go shoot some guns.  Clearly, Hood Rat is much more at home on a huge ranch with guns and not around some schlubby Polish immigrants who live in a small ass house.  Although, there is a slight chance that this is actually a polygamous compound and that Little Ricki is actually going to be Jef's wife too.  Anyway, after exercising their second amendment right, Jef takes Emily back to the house to meet his family.  His parents aren't there which is super shady and we get no explanation for it other than they are doing charity work.  Either they want nothing to do with the show at all, or Jef really wanted his rich ass ranch to be featured on an episode of the show, even if it meant Emily wouldn't meet his parents.  Jef's family seems nice and wholesome and white and no one has any accents from any far off lands.  I'm not convinced these girls are actually his sisters though.  It's way more likely they are either his sister-wives or they're all married to his brother.

Queen Em has a conversation with Jef's fake sisters and they tell her that Jef wants a family which is why he doesn't want to come out of the closet.  They ask Em if she's falling in love with Jef and she evades the question by saying that she's a girl and is protective about using the L word.  SO...let me get this straight, she's two weeks away from possibly getting engaged to the guy and she's worried about taking it slow with the L word?   Whatevs!  They ask Emily if she'd be willing to move to their polygamist compound if she and Jef get engaged.  She says yes, because she really wants Little Ricki to have a family--- little does she know Gangsta Ricki will get way more family than she bargained for.  If they moved here, I'd give Little Ricki a week before she insisted on being first wife and bossed her own mom around.  Honestly though, you know what the real answer to the "are you willing to move" question is?  Yes.  I'm willing to move to LA to be on Dancing with the Stars followed by getting some sort of hosting gig on The Insider.

McFly has a very telling conversation with his brother who alludes to the fact that he's never been the guy that was ready to settle down and get married.  Um.  What he means is he's never been the guy that was ready to settle down and get married to a WOMAN.  After they leave the house, Jef takes Em off on some picnic and reads her something he wrote with the help of the conversion camp counselors after he left Prague.  Okay, fine-- it's actually a sweet letter and pretty much the monologue given to every male character at the end of every romantic comedy, BUT Em loves it.  She tells Jef it's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to her.  Guys.  Back me up on this.  I think Jef is the frontrunner.  Em has no gaydar, but it's okay because Little Ricki scores a gay dad which is basically a gay best friend for life.

Next stop on the "shoot me now I have to meet four people's families" tour is Scottsdale, Arizona.  Arie and Hood Rat meet at the race tracks and even though he looks slightly hotter in a race car jumpsuit thingy, I still don't think he's that hot.  Sure, he's got a swagger about him and he's got that sarcastic witty side that basically trumps everything else for me, but...okay, fine.  He's stupid hot.  He takes Em for a spin in his Indy car which is really different than a NASCAR which means that he and Big Ricky actually had two totally different careers and there's no eerie weirdness about her getting engaged to a guy that has the same career as her late fiance who died in a plane crash on the way to a race.  Nothing weird about any of that at all.

Arie and Back Woods hang out at a park and he tells her--- wait for it--- that his parents are really European.  See!  Even Arie knows that Emily is a member of the KKK!  He's totes scared that she's not going to be able to handle a bunch of foreigners.  BUT...Arie's parents aren't just any foreigners.  They're rich dutch people.  We find out that Arie's dad won the Indy 500 in 1990 and 1997.  That's like a big deal, right?

Anyway.  Arie takes Emily home and he has three really awkward siblings, including one sister that did not say a single word.  His mom is kind of a European bombshell and should seriously be the next Bachelorette.   And is it weird that I thought his dad was really hot?  Like stupid hot?  Like I know he's old, but I'm more attracted to him than I am to Arie?   Here's an old picture of my new boyfriend, Arie Sr.:
Also, side note.  As I was looking for this photo, I came across Arie's mugshot.  Google that shit.  He has a criminal record!  Okay, fine.  It's for a suspended license and no registration or something-- but what kind of race car driver has a suspended license?  Okay, back to the hometown date.  At one point, Arie's mom starts speaking Dutch and Emily gets really uncomfortable that she's speaking in third world tongues.  Sure, this is kind of rude.  But what's the point of being able to speak a foreign language if you can't talk shit about people right in front of their face??  Arie translates and tells Emily his mom was asking him how things were going.  Right.  She was really asking him why Emily can't move her face at all and if he could ask her who does her botox injections.  Arie's mom takes Hood Rat aside and becomes my new personal hero when she tells Queen Em she watched Brad Womack's season and wants to know how she went from getting engaged to being the next bachelorette.  Em says some bullshit about not asking the right questions and basically steals a line from Gay McFly's brother about fundamentals and foundations.

Anyway, the hang out with Arie's rich parents ends up going well, and even though Arie tells Hotter Arie that he wants to marry Emily, I still feel like the gay guy has an edge.

Last but not least, Emily goes to Dallas, TX to visit red-faced Aryan Nation.  They stroll through the park together with Sean's dogs and Sean blushes and Em tells him he's perfect and they throw a frisbee around.  At this point, Arie and McFly have it in the bag--- but the remaining rose is really between Sean and Chris.  Until we meet Sean's family and then I'm pretty sure Chris is getting kicked to the curb.  First of all, they're really white.  And they are from the south.  And they have accents, but the right kind of American accents.  Not to mention they just seem like extremely nice people.  Especially Sean's dad.  I just want to hug the guy.  But my favorite member of this family is hands down little Kensington (AKA Sean's niece.)  She's super cute.  You heard it here first-- Little Kensington is the new Little Ricki.  In fact, they need to recast Little Ricki, stat!

Here's where things get really stupid.  Sean gets all nervous and says he needs to tell Emily something.  He still lives at home.  Tanks to Gods!  Chris still stands a chance after all.  I'm a little confused as to how Emily didn't know this about him before.   He takes her to his bedroom and it basically looks like a ten year old's room.  It's super messy.  He has stuffed animals that he's named.  He even says that he wishes his mom would have picked up a little.  Okay, this is embarrassing and I may lose all credibility as a bachelorette recapper-- but I totally bought this shit.  Not only that, but I paused my DVR and made my husband watch the whole thing.  It was literally the best thing to happen on the show all season...and it was just a big fat joke.  Not sure whether it was orchestrated by Sean or the producers, but at least we know the guy has a sense of humor, because I was this close to crowning him and Emily Mr. and Mrs. Boring.  Anyway, Sean and Hood Rat say their good byes and for the millionth time, he has a love affair with her upper lip.  Em gets in the car and drives off and in a romantic move inspired by some Nicholas Sparks novel, Sean chases down the car so he can kiss Emily's upper lip again.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!  Em is super emotional, because *spoiler alert* she doesn't want the Polish mob to come after her when she doesn't give Chris a rose.  Chris Harrison makes an appearance to tell her to suck it up and hand out roses already, he's got a three-way waiting for him back at his bachelor pad.  Side note: I was totally not listening during this scene.  Side note: there are rumors that Emily and Harrison are boning!!!

So: Arie, Sean, and Jef are the three guys Emily chooses to stick it in her in the fantasy suite.  This could really make it or break it for Gay McFly.  Em walks Chris out and he's really pissed off and not very nice to her which just makes me love him more, even though it makes him look like a child.  But to be let go at this point in the process does kind of suck.  You have to stick around this long and then you don't even get laid.  And you've been on the show too long to nab a spot on The Bachelor Pad, but you're leaving too soon to be the next bachelor.  It's basically a mind fuck.

Next week, Queen Emily and her three men go to the Carribean where probably nothing happens.  I'm guessing if Gay McFly remembered to pack his viagara, Jef and Arie will get roses and Sean will get sent home.  Stay tuned!


  1. I was totally shocked at how rich all these guys are. Of course Chris got sent home, he was practically destitute in comparison. Isn't it supposed to be easy for rich white boys (gay Jef excluded) to get a date?

    Did anyone else notice that Jef explanation that his parents were off doing "charity work" was obviously ADR? Like maybe he said the name, but the charity protested being linked with the super rich polygamists so they had to rerecord it? I agree it is very shady.

    I'm going with Aire or Sean for the final two; I still can't believe her gaydar isn't going to kick in at some point.

    1. OMG, I did not notice the ADR, I'm going to do some research on this and see if I can find out who Jef's parents are. Stay tuned!

    2. his parents are on a mormon mission in south carolina:

  2. You are hysterical! You hit the nail on the head with every recap.

  3. I have been sucked into this stupid show by my gentlewoman caller, and then I continued to watch because the next shows were in Dubrovnik and Prague - two cities I visited last summer - and now I'm f*cked, because I've been watching twenty minutes of recaps at the beginning of every show since - and twenty minutes of contemplation at the end.

    Did you really think Chris was going to win this thing!??! His nickname from you should've been goofy bobblehead. The guy just couldn't keep his stupid head still. He almost printed out his poon-tang dance list for life if he hadn't blown it with his immature post-breakup responses in the car. It was amazing the show even made him see sympathetic before that.

    She's had the best moments with Jef and the most carefree makeout sessions with Arie.

  4. but don't you think Jef is gay and looks twelve?!

  5. Haha, yeah, but I live close to hipster central - SF. Plus, she keeps saying she's looking for a guy with "edge". And I know she doesn't ever really want to work in her life and doing anything more than look pretty. So, an insurance agent, and a no-name race car driver isn't going to cut it.