Wednesday, July 11, 2012

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

GROSS!
Everytime anyone said "Curacao" (Cur-a-sow) on this week's episode, I thought they were saying Kurosawa and that they were all actually in Japan filming the sequel to Roshomon.  Seriously, Curacao-- if you're reading this, I think you should be pronounced Cur-a Ka.  It sounds much more tropical and beachy.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way....let's discuss the most disappointing fantasy date episode of any bachelorette season.

The show begins with Queen Emily--after hours of hair and make up-- walking on the beach and contemplating whether or not she should let any penises into her royal vagina.  We get yet another recap on the remaining three guys.  The best thing Sean has going for him is that he would be a good dad.  BUT that pales in comparison to Jef who has good style and edge.  HOLD UP.  What kind of world are we living in that Jef has edge?  The edgiest thing about him is that he dropped the second F in his name.  He looks twelve, I don't understand.  She keeps saying that no one else makes her laugh like Jef.  Well, guess what?  No one else makes me laugh like Jesse, Ross, and Karl, three of my favorite gay men.  For some weird reason she starts crying when she talks about Arie, even though Gay McFly is clearly the front-runner.  Let's get real here, folks.  Arie is prime Bachelor real estate.  No way is ABC letting Emily end up with him.

The MOST shocking part of this episode was when Emily spelled her name in the sand.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I honestly thought the girl was illiterate, but she knows how to spell her own name, in sand no less.  She then proceeds to say all the same shit we always hear at this point in the season: I never thought I'd feel this strongly about three guys.  One of these men is my husband.  Blah, blah.  Next week, we'll get lots of "I'm in love with two men."

Side note: I really want to see the movie Hope Springs for some reason.

So...Em's first fantasy suite date is with Aryan Nation red-faced Sean.  Which means he just scored the cleanest vagina!  He gets to tap that before Jef and Arie do. That's not the only thing he scored.  He also got the first helicopter ride of the season.  Clearly, the show is spending all their money on Emily's wardrobe, because this is the only helicopter they were willing to spring for.  I guess in these hard economic times, these are the sacrifices we have to make. Fucking Obamacare (um, you know I'm kidding and would give Obama my final rose).  Anyway, the big issue here with Sean is that he's the only sane rational man that hasn't told Emily he loves her and apparently that's a deal breaker for her.  They take the heli to some private island where there's no swim up bar and Hood Rat basically peer pressures him to say "i love you" but he smoothly evades with the oldest trick in the book: "I forgot what I was going to say."  We find out that Sean's past girlfriends have all been more like buddies.  Here's the deal.  By the end of this episode, I nearly left my husband for Sean-- but at this point, I just felt like he seemed a little immature.  He has a hard time putting sentences together and he blushes too much and he still acts all star struck around Em.  I feel like he's probably only had sex with one person in his life and still plays video games and watches Saturday Morning Cartoons.  They go for a swim and we're subjected to Emily's humongous rack.  Are those things for real?  I'm not sure, but I don't remember them being that HUGE in Womack's season.  Luckily, they are a little saggy so there.

Dinner time!  Sean finally realizes that if he does not tell Emily he loves her, he's going to get sent home.  And not only does he bloat her ego even more by telling saying the L word, but he also reads the sweetest letter to Little Ricki.  Weirdly enough, I actually feel like when Sean talks about Little Ricki, it's not a ploy and he's being genuine.  With Jef, I feel like he knows Little Ricki is his ace in the hole.  And with Arie, well, I seriously think Arie forgets Little Ricki even exists some time.  Plus, Sean always shows respect for the Late Big Ricky.  I'm pretty sure that in twenty years when Little Ricki has been reeling from her stepdad coming out of the closet, she's going to watch this episode and seriously resent her mother for depriving her of what could have been the best dad in the world.  The kind of dad that would play video games with her and watch The Smurfs.  Sadly, Sean doesn't realize this, but the  the first time Little Ricky hears his letter, she'll be a twenty-six year old stripper living in a trailer park.

Um, okay.  Per usual, Chris Harrison painstakingly wrote out three fantasy date cards, but they were a serious waste of his valuable time, because Em won't let Semi-Virgin spend the night with her!  First of all, her and Sean's fantasy suite was totally ghetto.  They get in the hot tub together, make out, and then she kicks him out.  All because she's trying to set a good example for Little Ricki.  Wait.  Is she seriously going to get engaged to someone without boning them first?  That is really irresponsible.  And honestly, it's a little late to worry about setting a good example for Little Ricki.  That ship sailed when Queen Em agreed to do a reality show where she spent months away from her daughter to date 25 douche bags.  Sigh.  I feel so bad for Little ghetto-fabulous Ricki.  I'm totally going to find a way to sue for custody.

The second lame fantasy suite date is with Gay McFly.  Okay, I'll admit.  He's starting to look a little more attractive to me, but I would have never thought after that uber-cheesy skateboard entrance he would make it this far.  And he still looks like he's about ten years younger than Hood Rat West Virginia.  Maybe his boyish charm reminds her of Big Ricky.  I don't know.  I'm grasping at straws here people.

Side note: Sometimes I get really sad about big Ricky dying.  I'm not kidding.  What happened to that family is so seriously tragic and it just upsets me that his parents now have to see Emily try to find love on a reality show.  It just isn't right.

I honestly don't even remember much about Emily and Jef's daytime date.  I know they got on some boat.  Maybe went snorkeling?  I know he tells her that his parents want to meet her after all this.  Honestly, is this guy really considering proposing to a woman that his parents have never ever met?!  Poor Jef.  If his parents can't accept him dating someone he met on a reality TV show, then they are never going to accept him when he finally comes out of the closet.  Mormons are the worst!   The best part of all of this is when McFly asks Emily if she thinks he'd be a good dad to Little Ricki.  Guess what this bitch answers?  Yes, because she saw him playing with the kids at the playground.  WHAT?!?! Do you guys remember how she put Womack through the ringer on his season about how being a dad is hard and it's a huge responsibility and it's not fun and easy all the time and blah blah blah?  Is it just me or has she been super lax with all these dudes about what it would mean to raise Little Ricki?   Oh, and I can't remember if this conversation happened during the day, but Em is way too willing and eager to move to Salt Lake Shitty.  Didn't she already move her poor daughter to Austin for awhile when she was dating Brad?  And how could Em just abandon her mom posse like that?

Also, I can't stand Jef because he says things like "I can see the masterpiece that is being painted."

The best part about the dinner date with Jef is that is suddenly seems like he's The Bachelor and Em is the contestant.  Maybe this is secretly his way about auditioning to be the bachelor, but he starts grilling her about all her failed relationships and she gives some lame excuse as to why they didn't work out which didn't include the following: none of the guys wanted to deal with Little Ricki's giggles and that they all found Queen Emily snoozefest boring.  And then Emily says that last time when she was home with Little Ricki she pictured Jef with them.  Um, game over.  Jef just won.  Let's end this horrible show right now, please!

Then, Emily presents Jef with Chris Harrison's super creepy fantasy suite date invite.  Super sly McFly totally beats Emily to the punch and rejects the fantasy date card, because of their families (i.e. MORMONS 4-EVA).  Em's last minute prudish-ness is basically the best thing that could have happened to Jef.  I took him out of my bracket after fantasy suite night, because I figured his lack of erection would be a red flag for Emily and she would send him home.  And now that he's dodged that bullet, he's totally gonna win this game for reals.

Further proof that Jef is gay:  Only a gay man pretending to be straight would say things like "bridle the passion."

I find it kind of hard to believe that Emily really isn't going to have sex with any of these guys.  Do you think this was just part of her clause with ABC and once the cameras turned off all three guys showed up to her fantasy suite along with Chris Harrison and that producer Cassie Lambert and they all had a serious orgy, except Jef kept trying to slip off with Arie?  Or do you at least think Emily remembered to pack her vibrator?

Arie gets the last fantasy suite date and he's still not looking very hot to me.  Apparently, whenever Big Ricky 2.0 and Emily are together, they make out a lot.  So, that's pretty much all they do on their day date.  Then, they end up swimming with these poor adorable dolphins who are far too intelligent to be props on some terrible reality TV show with a hood rat backwoods West Virginia girl.  Also, is it just me or does Emily look like she got some serious botox between her dates with Arie and Jef?  Her face looks way more plastic and frozen than it did before the commercial break.  I mean, the woman can't even cry.  All she does is make super repetitive sniffle sounds.

At dinner, the conversation between Emily and Arie gets real and deep.  Like...for example...Arie tells her what he does on an average Tuesday.  This is basically the kind of discussion you have on a first date.  Or a first text exchange.  I can't believe they're talking about shit this surface and mundane.  Then Arie starts saying how the best thing to do with a kid is to be their buddy first, blah blah and Em is like totally mesmerized by this pretty sub-standard philosophy.  I'm sorry, but if that shit came out of Brad Womack's mouth a year ago, she would tell him that he's not ready to be a father.  Em doesn't even bother giving Arie the fantasy suite date card, because he's so hot that she doesn't trust herself in a fantasy suite with him.  WHAT?  Come on!  There are cameras around the whole time until she sends him home.  She's totally afraid she'll end up making an amateur porn with Arie!  And that's pretty much what we get in that weird closing scene of Arie kissing Emily and dry humping her hair with his hand.

For reals though, how disappointed do you think Arie and Sean were that they didn't get laid in Curacao?  I mean, they suffered through all this, and they don't get to hump Queen Emily?  Were they warned about going in?  That's like, breach of contract right there.

After Emily's date with Arie ends, I'm seriously shocked because it's only 930pm and that means there are thirty more minutes left before Emily actually gives the last two roses.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.   Basically, Emily and all her dates are so freaking boring that the producers needed some serious filler for the end of the show.  Here's what those assholes made us sit through:

Emily wearing that weird fake ponytail that looks like a tassel and some sparkly skirt with a wife-beater.

Emily crying (AKA making sniffling sounds while her face stays frozen) to Chris Harrison about how she doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Emily feeling super sorry for herself during an on camera interview.  No, she's not crying about the 17,000 people dead in Syria.  She makes it seems like she's sad about sending someone home, but what she's really sad about is that in two weeks, this show ends.  That means, no more hair and make up, no more feeling like the "talent", and going back to po-dunk Charlotte and dealing with Little Ricki's bull shit.

Then, to fill up more time, the show forces Emily to watch three taped pieces of her remaining dudes telling her how much they love her.  She literally looks like she's holding back diarrhea in her mouth when she watches Sean's taped piece, which is just further evidence that she's going to send him home.

FINALLY, after all this, we arrive at the rose ceremony where Sean and Arie are still getting over an acute case of blue balls.  But not Jef, because he found an adorable Caribbean cabana boy to unbridle his passion.  After handing out roses, the last two men standing are Arie and Jef, which means Sean has to take some time to say his good byes.

Listen, I know a lot of you were shocked by Sean getting the boot, but I wasn't.  And not just because I read about it on Reality Steve.  Emily has shitty taste in guys.  Sean was hot, sweet, had a great family and he would have been the best dad for Little Who Cares.  BUT, he had no edge and he's way less rich than Arie and McFly.  This is a girl whose first love was loaded and whose life has been totally bank rolled by his parents.  She's not going to marry an insurance agent.  I felt awful for Sean when he left the show, because he ended up having to comfort Hood Rat while she went into the ugly frozen cry. He was super sweet and thoughtful and sad in his exit interview and it totally tugged at my heart strings, but he's WAY better off not ending up with Emily.  Trust.  It's just too bad that he didn't even get a little bit of sex out of it.  I'm pretty sure KCB or Nikki from Ben F's season will be all up in his grill.

Anyway.  Don't forget to watch on Sunday, July 22nd as Emily decides to spend the rest of her life with Gay McFly.  The promos show her going through some sort of freak out where Chris Harrison gets all melodramatic and says "then, you're done with all this" or some shit like that.  Some of you think this means she picks no one.  Some of you think this means she regrets letting Sean go.  I think it just means she tells both men she's not ready to get engaged (um, pretty much a win-win for the guys), And that she'll ultimately still end up with McGay.  I mean McFly.  But they'll just what?  Decide to have an LDR?  Fuck that.  As for Sean-- well, he's really the one that got screwed, not Polish Chris who got eliminated last week, because it turns out, he did snag a spot on the Bachelor Pad.  Sean didn't get laid.  Sean put his family on TV.  Sean got eliminated too late to get on The Bachelor Pad.  Sean got eliminated too soon to be the next Bachelor.  Somebody please throw this guy a bone and give him Chris Harrison's job or let him be Little Ricky's adoptive father.  She can ditch Em and move to Dallas and be besties with Little Kensington.  And when they become meth-loving teenagers they can plot Emily's murder together.  Okay.  That was probably taking things a tad far.  But like, honestly, if they were gonna plot her murder...I'm hoping it would be death by botox or country music or sparkly dresses.  

4 comments:

  1. I don't even watch the show but this is HYSTERICAL! Is this what you were hiding behind the iPod and New Yorker on the treader next to me? You were holding out all this time!

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  2. There's only so much we can discuss between intervals! It's so funny that you say that because I spent about an hour on your blog yesterday and i LOVE IT!

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  3. Since you're grasping at straws here, Gay McFly represents a lost youth for her. She had a child during a time when she should've still been acting like a child. Womack was way too old and would've furthered that lost childhood. Sean just isn't fun enough. Arie just isn't rich enough and his foreign family ruined it for him (aka Mom). Gay McFly may seem 10 years younger than he is, but that is what makes Emily feel young again - plus he's a "CEO" who can support her.

    Remember when Renee Zellweger says in Jerry Maguire, "Most girls my age are trying to get a man. Trying to keep a man. Not me, I'm trying to raise a man." Renee Z just wanted to feel like a girl again and make some dumb mistakes, just like Emily does here. So, there, you no longer need to grasp at straws!!!

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  4. Um, holy cow SVB. That is genius!!!! You are totally right!! BUT: HE'S GAY!

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