Thursday, July 5, 2012

glossary of a BLOW OFF: 2012 summer dating terms from a dude

I went to my most trusted twenty-three year old male source to bring you guys some hip new dating terms all the young people are saying.  Let's all try to use these in a sentence today at least ten times so we can commit them to memory.  My comments in italics.  

He's wified up-  this means your buddy got himself a girl and he's in deep.
 SO, I'm guessing the female version of this would be "she's hubbied up".  OMG, I'm so using that all the time. 

Tig Ol' Bitties- stacked rack.
Which in case you are really, really, old-- a stacked rack means big boobs.  OMG.  I just got it.  Tig Ol Bitties = Big Ol' Titties.  hahahahaha.  That's genius.  So, if we're applying this one to a guy it would be dig ol' bick. or kig ol' bock.  You guys decide.  

Certified Bad One- this female is a dime piece.
 I had to go back and ask my source what a "dime piece" is.  Yes. this is what happens when you stop watching MTV and start watching BRAVO.  I felt like a big idiot when he told me it's a girl that's a 10.  Duh!

In There like Swimwear- dude you're golden. you've got this female in the bag.
This might be my favorite one, but I think it should be more like "you're in there like a tampon."  I know it doesn't rhyme.  Maybe you're in there like period wear? 

Cheaters- those huge shades chics wear that hide their entire face and make them look automatically attractive.
Shit.  I wear these.  And they do make me prettier.  I'm a cheater!!!! But it's cool, cause they take me from already being a certified bad one to a certified badder one.  

She's Beat- this female was potentially attractive once, but has taken so much male genitalia over her lifetime that her beauty is a distant memory.
Wait, I'm confused.  Is her face beat or her vagina beat?  Or both?  Or does her face now look like a vagina and her vagina looks like a face?  Discuss.  Also, um-- this is not really new slang. 

She's Buck- this girl is buck nasty.  Unlike her beat colleague, she was never pretty. ever.
I would like to improve upon this one for us ladies.  When we see a guy that fits this description, let's call him an Uncle Buck.  

Slump Buster- Okay, this one I actually heard on the second episode on that new Charlie Sheen sitcom.  It's what happens when a sports player is going through a bad playing streak and they have to have sex with an ugly girl to break it.
I think we can also apply this to any of our dry spells.  I've definitely been with one or two slump busters in my day.  If you're reading this and I've hooked up with you, then yes, you were nothing but a slump buster.


  1. "you're wifed" is the girl version of wifed up.

    "So Abby you're telling me that you've been dating this guy for 7 months and he moved in with you? Yea, you're wifed."

  2. also, have you been a victim of internet stalking?