Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Jordan Catalano, Troy Dyer, Mr. Big, and Hank Moody Ruined My Life

Thanks a lot Hollywood. You've successfully brainwashed me and the other ladies of my generation. You really fucked us this time. You've made us fall in love with these selfish, slacker, self-involved, flawed bad boys who we think have potential and can change. Well, they can't and won't. They aren't beautifully broken, they are just assholes.

"Why are you like this? "
"Like what?"
"Like how you are." Jordan Catalano and Angela Chase- My So Called Life

What the fuck does that even mean? Why are you like this? Like how you are? What else can I expect though from a television character that can't read. I feel like now I'm programmed to go for these somewhat lovable losers that make us think that they will someday blossom into good men who don't hurt us and like us even when it isn't convenient for them.

Pop quiz hot shot...what would Jordan Catalano be doing now 17 years later if the show had gone on for more than one glorious season. Well he'd probably be fat, just mastering Dr. Seuss, and cheating on you with the local bar maid (who's fat by the way) while you're at home tucking your kids into bed. You would be the main breadwinner while he locked himself in the garage working on his car, Red, every Saturday afternoon.
Troy Dyer... you think you're any better? You totally shat all over Lelaina until the last ten minutes of the movie and something tells me you continued to do it.

Mr. Big...first off YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE. Excuse me, first you jerk Carrie around
for two years and then marry that waspy waif. As if she doesn't have enough troubles you pop into her life just when she's happy but she always takes you back. Gee, I wonder why me and all of my friends forgive any attractive man with puppy dog eyes...

Last but not least Hank Moody. Ok, you're hot. No, you're sexy. But you're the eternal fuck up. We all keep hoping that one day you will get the point but you never do. You fuck someone else? Somehow we forgive you and that makes you even sexier and more lovable (and you keep profiting dollars).

Well, thank you to the world of entertainment. Because of these leading male characters that you've poisoned my brain with, now I have to pay a doctor $175 an hour to listen to why I choose the wrong men. You owe me a refund. And a good boyfriend for once.

That's all.

5 comments:

  1. Hahaha, LOVE this post.

    "...now I have to pay a doctor $175 an hour to listen to why I choose the wrong men. You owe me a refund. And a good boyfriend for once."

    lol right there with ya.

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  2. I totally agree with you RE: all of these guys! I got so over Hank Moody that I had to stop watching Californication. I also read that in the original script for Reality Bites, Lelaina doesn't end up with either guy, but they changed it. Angela Chase would totally be pining for Brian Krakow as an adult, who would have probably gone on to invent Facebook. Also, I love that Mr. Big's redeeming quality in the first SATC movie was building Carrie a really big shoe closet and sending her emails of poems written by other guys. Uh, what?

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  3. THE REAL TROY DYER HAS A FEW THOUGHTS... As you might expect, women perceive men as "the problem"... When in fact we are all responsible for our own decisions, lusts, manipulations, and relationships with emotionally unavailable people. It takes one to know one. Humans are imperfect. Men are programmed to mate. Women are programmed to nurture. Men are programmed to hunt. Women are programmed to commune. As for the characters... They are simply that... Not real people. The actors who played them, and the writers who wrote them are real. I am real. No movie, TV show or soap opera can MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE with slacker, asshole losers in real life. That is your choice. Best to you in making better decisions in the future, and NEVER blaming others or the arts for such issues only you can manage.

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  4. HOLD UP. The real Troy Dyer? Please explain. Are you the guy the character was based on? Cause I know you can't be ethan hawke. Or are you just a real "troy dyer" type? We have devoted more than one post to troy dyer.
    http://www.theblowoff.com/2009/12/glossary-of-blow-off.html

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  5. I agree. No one can make you fall in love. My post was basically about saying that movies and television DO romanticize falling in love with those types of men so when impressionable young women watch them they sometimes subconsciously start to look for or want men who fit that archetype and it can lead to bad dating patterns. I appreciate the male point of view on this and also want to know how you're the real Troy Dyer. Because I might in fact be in love with you.

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