Thursday, July 12, 2012

The My Boyfriend Went To Rehab BLOW OFF

Yes, I live in Los Angeles. Yes, it is considered normal to know at least one person that's currently working through their issues while staying in Malibu, getting daily massages and eating a well prepared macrobiotic diet- or at least in the hospital for exhaustion. But this isn't the typical "my boyfriend has issues" story. I'm a woman. All women think we can help guys with their problems. We think that our caring nature can bring them back from the edge...but what if they don't have real problems?

A few years ago I was totally into this guy. He was really hot and I was on a mission to make him mine. We started sleeping together and I thought it was in the bag. Sure, he'd told me he had a variety of emotional issues (we went to the same psychiatrist- completely by coincidence), but I egotistically thought that he would change his mind and magically be fixed by being with me. Long story short, we ended up in a relationship and I thought I was the shit for successfully turning casual sex into a relationship. Not so fast there...

About two months in, I'm taking a nap and I get a phone call. He tells me he can't be in a relationship and hangs up. WTF, right? I call back. No answer. I text. No answer. What a pussy. After drowning my sorrows in more than a few vodka sodas over the next few weeks on girls nights out I started to make my peace with the situation. If only the story ended there. I broke down. I texted him just to see how he was doing. As if any girl has ever texted a guy to just find out how he is. I was secretly hoping he would say he missed me or he made a mistake or at least respond to give me some closure. Well, he responded and I kind of wish he hadn't. His reply to my informal question? "Hey babe, I'm checking into rehab. Sorry about it." I was immediately hooked and couldn't resist finding out more information. He rarely drank so he wasn't an alcoholic. He was way too preppy to be doing heroine and didn't have enough money to support a cocaine habit. After some Girl With The Dragon Tattoo style sleuthing I found out that he checked into rehab, that was $30,000 a month, mind you (he didn't have money but his family did), for an addiction to RITALIN. Are you fucking kidding me? Who in god's name spends that kind of money to kick an addiction to Ritalin? Yes, I get it. It's an amphetamine, but can't you just break it in half and ween yourself off??

Since all of my friends were aware he had gone to rehab, through many nights of sobbing and over analyzing every moment of our short relationship and where I must've gone wrong, I got follow up questions. "Did you ever find out what happened?" "What's the scoop on Boy X". And then I did it. I LIED. How could I tell people that respect me that I dated someone who went to rehab for something that half of American teenagers are prescribed on a daily basis? As I feel like this said much more about me than it did about him, I made up countless stories about him having some sort of problem with harder drugs and a "close call" one night. And you know what? I'm not sorry. I hope HE lied about why he was in rehab to the other patients! Can you imagine being around a group of people that are really detoxing and then saying that you take too much Ritalin? If he didn't lie, I hope some musician heroine junkie beat the shit out of him.

Regardless of the fact that this guy was not a drug addict and probably needed to be in a facility for just his mental problems, it made me feel better about the break up. And at least I have a cool story to tell now...even if some of it is a lie.


  1. oh. my. god.

    i dont want to laugh but this is kind of hilarious.

    and i totally would have lied too.

  2. Please laugh! It's so ridiculous...if only it wasn't true

  3. omg, i love this story. And seriously, Ritalin aside, what a jerky way to break up with you. He might as well have said "I'm choosing to be vague so you can drive yourself completely crazy for months." Also, this kind of reminds me of when Rachel Uchitel was on Celebrity rehab for being addicted to love. Um, wtf?

  4. i feel like i should write a follow up to this. when he called me a year later i was so vindicated. you guys wouldn't even guess what his next job was...

  5. Please do! That is the best part of the story :)