Monday, July 2, 2012

RIP: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

This might make me sound really naive, but I was actually surprised when I heard Katie Holmes filed for divorce.  It's not because I didn't believe TomKat's relationship was a sham to begin with or that there may have been some sort of contractual obligation involved...but it's because I thought Mrs. Cruise had been properly indoctrinated.  Clearly, someone at the Scientology Celebrity Center dropped the ball.

I remember reading an interview with her back in the day-- post-Chris Klein/pre-Tom Cruise where she talked about recently getting her own apartment and moving to New York and how excited she was about being single and living on her own, etc. etc.  Why would I remember reading this?  Um, because I'm crazy and 90% of my brain is filled with useless knowledge about famous people.  But also because (and my college roomie will attest to this) I was a huge Dawson's Creek fan back in the day and had a girl crush on Katie Holmes.  And I was also living in NYC so I liked to imagine us becoming besties and hanging out in the west village eating cupcakes and talking about boys.

But then, literally a week after reading that article, she was parading around with Tom Cruise.  Showing up on Oprah.  Riding on the back of his motorcycle.  Gushing about how in love she was.  Having this creepy faraway look in her eye.  Gaining some random new Scientologist best friend.   Getting pregnant with "Tom's" baby.  Going through that whole shitty silent birth.  Doing some really bad movies.  Getting married in Italy in front of her closest friends: Jenny McCarthy and Brooke Shields.

So, anyway.  Back to why I'm surprised.  If this really was a contract situation, then don't you guys think Tom Cruise would be the one filing for divorce?  Think about it.  When he and Nicole Kidman split up it was totally orchestrated as though she had wronged him and he had left her.  Which is not surprising since it can be perceived as emasculating to be left by your wife and for obvious reasons, Cruise does not want to be seen in that light.  That's why I find it a bit odd that Holmes is not only the one filing for divorce, but she's also asking for sole custody of SURI.  Awww shit.  Something tells me this was not part of the break-up plan.

Please, please, please let my fantasy come true.  Katie Holmes is going to be the "Scientology/Tom Cruise is really gay" whistle-blower.  She's going to channel her inner-Joey Potter and do what even Nicole Kidman wouldn't do.  We're talking tell-all book, Oprah's Next Chapter, a two-part Diane Sawyer interview, and a Disney Channel series contract for Suri.  Sure, she might be breaching some sort of contract, but would Cruise really want all the shit that's in the fine print to be exposed?  And if Holmes mysteriously turned up dead, that would be super suspicious and would probably up the ante with the whole federal investigation into Scientology.

Come on, Katie.  You can do it.  You'll be a hero.  You will make an acting comeback.  You can rebound with someone like Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Gosling or whoever Suri tells you to date.  Most of all, you can get properly laid for the first time in 6 years.  Call me.  Let's get together and discuss this all over cupcakes.

Brilliantly posted on Facebook by Ross:



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